Portugal: The Land of...Castles

This week’s stop on Ali’s journey around the world to find real life love is Lisbon, Portugal. The five remaining guys walk up to Chris Harrison in a town square – Frank in a t-shirt with a very large anchor on it, Chris L. in one of his many Element t-shirts, and Ty in a v-neck again to show off one of his many sweet necklaces. Our Host explains there are 4 dates this week; the guys quickly do some math to conclude that there must be a 2 on 1 date this week. Chris confirms they are correct but explains no roses will be handed out until the rose ceremony and reminds them if they do get a rose this week that means they get a hometown date next.

They head to their hotel and read the first date card which goes to…Rrroberto!

One on One Date: Rrroberto
“Come be the King of my Castle”
Ali has chosen to wear a very mini sequined skirt for her outing in Portugal with Rrroberto. Of course. This season of The Bachelorette must have Canon as a sponsor because yet again we have a date that consists of taking pictures. Ali and Rrroberto jump off benches and take pictures of each other. Then they stop in the middle of the street and start making out while the people of Portugal shake their heads. Ali tells us, “Life may not be a fairy tale but I’m starting to think love can be.” The people at the watching party shake their heads.

Ali takes Rrrroberto to “her” castle next. They sit on the steps and talk about how much they like each other. The consensus at the watching party is that she is still intimidated by Rrroberto’s hotness. She asks questions about his family since she’s planning on meeting them next week. He says his mom will cook Spanish food. She says she needs to learn how to cook food. I tell her to read the Pioneer Woman. The date concludes with the happy attractive couple looking over the sunset from their castle.

Two on One Date: Frank and Ty
“Let’s Find our Future in the Past (at a castle of course)”
Ali stands in an open field and explains the 2 on 1 date could potentially be awkward at this point. Potentially must mean definitely in her mind. Frank and Ty walk up to her and – wait, what’s that on the back of Ty’s shirt?!? The watching party gasps in horror at the black button down that Ty has chosen to wear when some sort of large screen-printed design is revealed on the back. The Affliction clothing worn by UFC fighters came to mind...Ed Hardy also came to mind. Neither one are good things to have in your mind.

Frank, Ty, and Ali hop in a helicopter and head to yet another castle in Portugal. Emily at the watch party notes that Ali seems to have completely conquered her fear of flying. So now ABC can add “overcome phobias” to the long list of benefits that being on this reality TV dating competition show provides.

Once at the castle they walk around and Ty spots a deer. Since Frank is closest to him he grabs his arm to stop and look at the deer and then Ali comes back to see what the two are looking at. Not uncomfortable at all. Three’s Company then sit down for dinner and awkward silence takes over. Ty even labels it as “wow…tension.” They struggle through dinner and then Ali takes Ty away for some one-on-one time.

She asks for further clarification on his traditional views and what his family will think of her having her own career. Ty responds with, “It tickles me that you have a plan and ambition and know what you want.” Ali isn’t pleased that the fact that she wants to have a job “tickles him.” The watching party isn’t pleased with the very large almost choker style necklace Ty insists on wearing.

Frank gets some one-on-one time next and as they sit in a tree she asks him questions about his family. He takes this opportunity to tell her that he’s really close with his family…not just emotionally but literally very close because he actually lives with his parents. He quickly reminds her that he was adventurous and spontaneous when he quit his job to move to Paris for 6 months. While that was a romantic idea it maybe wasn’t the most practical seeing as he now has to live with his parents and work at Banana Republic to make some money. He didn’t tell her this prior to tonight because he didn’t want her to “pre-judge” him. She is totally okay with the fact that he’s living with his parents and then starts either playing with the buttons on his shirt or actually unbuttoning them. I had to look away. When I looked back the camera had zoomed in on Frank and Ali holding hands so we got a nice shot of his sweet thumb ring for the fade to commercial.

One-on-One Date: Kirk
“Once Upon a Time”
We see Ali waiting in another town square for Kirk. Amy P. accurately describes Ali’s outfit by exclaiming, “Whoa – that shirt has a necklace built in!” Kirk and Ali sit at an outdoor table drinking beer and discussing what Kirk’s family will be like if Ali meets them. Ali is visibly distracted which Kirk thinks is because she has such an important decision to make this year. The watching party thinks it’s because she’s hungover.

A horse drawn carriage then pulls up by their table and Ali tells Kirk their ride has arrived. They hop in the buggy and swap their beer for wine. Their final destination is yet another castle for dinner. Ali emerges from the castle wearing a sequined strapless dress with a white blazer. Comments start flying from the watch party:

Aimee: “Whoa – Dr. Quinn!”

Emily: “This is Portugal not Miami Vice”

Amy P: “Don Johnson wants his jacket back”

Needless to say the white blazer was a very questionable choice…although you know Jonathan the jacket-loving Weatherman would have been all over that. During dinner Ali’s insecurities surface again; she tells Kirk, “I struggle…” and Amy P finishes her sentence with “…drinking.” Which actually would have been a very appropriate sentence.

But Ali instead shares about her struggle to believe that she’s enough. Thankfully Kirk channels his inner Chris Harrison counselor skills and tells her that he knows who he is, knows he’s deserving of love and is confident that she is as well. Ali’s fears disappear and they head downstairs to hear Sophia Loren serenade them while they make out.

One on One Date: Chris L.
“Love Gets Better with Age”
For her final date of the week the watching party is hoping that Ali will get to see some other part of Portugal that does not involve a castle. Ali is excited about this date with Chris but also has high expectations for him to open up because she feels like their relationship has progressed slower than the other ones in the 6 weeks she has been dating all these boys. She’s worried Chris is getting stuck in the friend zone.

Ali walks over to a moped scooter parked on the side of the street and explains to Chris L. that this is their ride for their date. Chris gets visibly nervous and tells the camera, “I’ve never driven one of these things - I can’t be the dude that kills the bachelorette- that’s not gonna look good at all.”

They fasten their helmets and are off…well, slowly off anyway. Chris L. drives very slow along the streets and gets passed by many cars as they poke along. Ali laughs at his caution and CC notes that the scene looks very familiar to this one:

They finally pull over near the top of a hill to switch places so Ali can drive. She peels out as Chris hangs on for dear life. Eventually they end up at a winery (points to CC for calling it based on the date description card). Unfortunately the motorcycle helmet did something to Chris L.’s hair so he’s got a little bed head look going on. Ali asks more questions about his family and then suggests they get a bottle of wine for his dad. I’m thinking Chris L. is getting a rose…

Chris tells Ali that he has a gift for her; he’s actually had it since the beginning but since it’s a sentimental gift he wanted to make sure he actually liked her before just handing it to her upon meeting. He pulls a cloth jewelry case out of his pocket and tells her his dad’s friend makes bracelets and actually had made one for his mom as well which is why it’s meaningful to him. He presents her with what he calls a “Dennis Bracelet” and then struggles to put it on her wrist because he’s clearly nervous. So cute. Ali loves the gift and loves that he waited to give it to her. Major points.

They walk outside and then the next shot of them is with their legs intertwined while lying in the grass. Chris has definitely moved out of the friend zone.

The Fastest Rose Ceremony Ever
I hope that ABC realizes 1.5 hours is plenty of time for an episode because I loved cutting to the chase at the end of this one. No cocktail party again, no deliberation room – straight to the roses. Our Host Chris Harrison must be trying to embrace culture or something because in a rare bad fashion choice he’s wearing a tie with what appears to be purple hydrangeas on it.

Ali emerges wearing a horizontal stripe dress and tells the guys how hard the choice is for her… yada yada yada…how great they all are…yada yada yada…it’s not you it’s me…yada yada yada. Roses eventually go to:

Chris L.: He’s into dressing down for rose ceremonies – wearing jeans again

Frank: Hope Ali’s ready to live with his parents

Rrrroberto: Of course

Kirk: The speech must have sealed the deal

Ty “takes a moment and says his goodbyes” (as Chris Harrison always says). It’s actually sad to see him say good-bye to the other guys because you get a sense that all 5 were actually friends. They hug and wish him the best and then Ali walks him out. For dramatic effect ABC makes Ty and Ali stand in the rain as Ali makes the pouty face that Aimee finds unbecoming. Ali explains that she couldn’t see it working in the long term. Ty is disappointed but maintains his composure as he hands Ali a card. We don’t get to know what the card said but I’m sure it was some sort of song he wrote for her. Of course.

Scenes for next week show hometown dates – Kirk’s dad is the taxidermist, Rrroberto is wearing his baseball uniform, Chris L.’s dad looks as sweet as Chris L., and Frank the Tank is hugging another girl!? Oh the drama! And let it be known that if Ali doesn't get her roots fixed soon, Emily at the watching party may fly to LA and fix them herself...

Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog and ihategreenbeans.com for more recap fun! And yes, I did make it through the Jake and Vienna break-up special although it was as painful as I expected. Very minor recap coming up on that shortly…

The Same Old Song

This week’s Bachelorette episode is brought to you by the musical stylings of one Wes Hayden. I'm sure you've heard of him since his plan for fame worked out so well that Rated-R Justin decided to follow in his footsteps...

Ali casually walks through the streets of Istanbul and tells us she’s excited about the 7 boyfriends she’s narrowed it down to. She honestly thinks that nothing could go wrong – and to be fair she has a point, I mean she’s traveling around the world on ABC’s dime with 7 men chasing after her. However, as we know from Reality TV Foreshadowing 101 as soon as someone says nothing can go wrong something inevitably does go wrong.

Cue a knock of doom on Ali’s door which she opens to reveal our host Chris Harrison looking sharp in a magenta shirt and corduroy jacket. He tells Ali he has some news for her, but doesn’t want to tell her himself. Instead, he wants her “friend” Jessie from last season to drop the bombshell on her.

They walk over to a phone that I’m pretty sure we had in my house in the 1985 and dials Jessie’s number. After many rings Jessie finally picks up and we see that Jessie is in her tube top ready for a night on the town in Toronto. Or ready to be on national TV again. Jessie and Ali small talk for a while and then Jessie cuts to the chase:

Jessie: I know someone is not there for the right reasons. Somebody has a girlfriend back home and…it’s Justin.
Ali: (crazy angry eyes) What!?
Jessie: Yep, he has a girlfriend – we were just about to go clubbin’ together which is why I’m really dressed up and so she’s right here next to me.
Jessie hands the phone to Justin’s girlfriend Jessica who starts crying on cue.
Jessica: Justin and I have been dating 2 years, he told me he was going on this show to help his awesome entertainment wrestling career which I didn’t agree with because I thought his career was doing just fine – I mean he’s Rated-R, who hasn’t heard of him before, right!? Anyway, a few days after he left I found out he has another girlfriend here in Canada.
Ali: OMG – is it Jillian?
Jessica: No, Jillian is somehow still happy with Ed and his short shorts

Ali hangs up the phone and sits back down on the couch with Chris Harrison. Chris conveniently has Justin’s iphone which has a picture of Justin with his arms around Jessica in the pool. He assures Ali that he knew nothing about this prior to the previous night when Jessie contacted them to get on TV again (nevermind what the casting department knew). Ali tells Chris she wants Justin gone immediately.

They head to the guys’ suite so that Ali can confront Rated-R. Before entering Chris tells Ali to take a deep breath. Tension is high; the watching party takes a deep breath as well. Ty opens the door and gives Ali a hug. The guys know something is up because Ali and Chris are not to be in the room together outside of deliberation rooms and rose ceremonies. Chris calls all the guys to the living room and Ali begins…”I know it’s been a hard road for everyone to get here…it must have been especially hard for you Justin, you know because you have a girlfriend back home in Canada.” Zing!!

Rated-R Justin calmly looks back at Ali and then gets up and starts getting a bag together. He reenters the room and heads for the door. Ali says, “That’s it – this is how you’re going to go out, you’re not even going to talk to me about it?!” Rated-R tells her he’s got his passport and his wallet and that’s all he needs. Farrell at the watch party thinks he’s going to regret leaving his True Religion jeans.

Rated-R heads for the stairs with the cameras following. Ali takes the stairs after him while still questioning why he’s running instead of explaining himself. Justin tries to get back in the hotel but is thwarted by a waiter who holds the door shut. The watching party laughs. He has to confront Ali as she standing in his way. She puts her hand on his chest and asks him to talk to her. He replies with, “Don’t touch me – I’ll be glad to talk to you without the cameras.”

Then he walks around her and starts a very bazaar exit route by walking over fountains, through plants and flowers, and on walls to get away from Ali and the cameras. Unfortunately for him it’s all captured on camera.

Ali and Chris Harrison are sitting on a ledge talking when Justin starts walking back toward him. I’m thinking he either came to his senses and realized he wanted his True Religion jeans back or was forced to come back because of contractual obligations.

Chris Harrison leaves and there is awkward silence. Ali asks him if Jessica is lying. He says some words that don’t make a complete sentence…something about how Jessica wasn’t his girlfriend before but through this process he realized he wasn’t into Ali and was into Jessica. The watching party laughs at his attempt to somehow spin this. Ali reminds Justin that she just left crazy tattooed Kasey literally standing in the cold because she chose him instead. Justin tells her he ironically has that rose in his pocket if she wants it back. Ali tells him it’s too late – they’re in Turkey now, no way she’s going back to that freezing glacier to get Kasey. Then she reminds us again that she gave up everything to go on this journey of love.

As Justin walks out of the hotel his voicemail messages that he left for Jessica are played for us (with subtitles of course). He left several messages declaring his undying love and reminding her that though he’s away on a reality TV dating show she’s the one he wants to marry. How sweet.

And with that The Bachelorette season 6 episode 6 controversy ended. The watching party concluded that the whole thing was so fake that it was real. I mean if ABC set it up we think they could have done a much more realistic job than what was shown. Jessie sitting with the girlfriend? The girlfriend who learns about another girlfriend? The chase scene through the hotel? Yes, it all seemed so staged and scripted that we believe it was actually real. “Too fake is the new real” was the phrase that was coined to sum up the whole Rated-R situation.

With so much excitement during the first 20 minutes of the show you knew we were in for a long remaining hour and forty minutes…

Ty: One-on-One Date
“Let’s Get Steamy”
Ty was lucky enough to receive the one-on-one date after all the morning drama. Ali waited for him near a fountain while wearing her DJ Tanner inspired vest. They went sight seeing around the city and then ended up in some sort of Turkish bath/spa house thing. They emerged wearing some plaid cloth and wooden shoes. Then it got steamy for sure – there was lots of touching. Ali commented on the steaminess saying, “It’s getting hot in here.” Thankfully Ty didn’t sing the rest of the Nelly song…

After the bathhouse they went to dinner near a river. Ty tells Ali what he likes about her and then asks that she return the favor by sharing what she likes about him. Aimee at the watching party answers for her, “…not that necklace.” Well said.

Ali asks for more details on his divorce. He says family is important to him and he wasn’t used to his wife working. At least I think that’s what he said – I couldn’t really follow what it was about his wife that made him decide it wasn’t a good fit. Ali became visibly worried that Ty was saying he expected her to be the traditional stay-at-home mom because as she said, “Traditional is the last word I would use to describe myself.” Somehow Ty turns it around to say he learned that ambition is a good thing for women to have and she gives him the rose but not without saying she has some fears about him.

They get up from dinner and dance to a conveniently placed Turkish band. Ty says it is the most romantic dance of his life. Nevermind the first dance at his wedding reception…

Group Date
“Love Conquers Olive”
Kirk, Rrrroberto, Chris, and Craig head out for the group date meaning that Frank the Tank is the is the first to go on multiple one-on-one dates while Craig has yet to go on one. Things are not looking well for Craig. The guys meet Ali in some sort of Turkish castle and she tells them they’ll be participating in many Turkish traditions today. They’ll also have the opportunity to fight it out for some alone time with Ali.

Four Turkish men covered in olive oil and wearing black leather capri pants then emerge which I thought meant Festivus was beginning on the group date and we were about to witness the Feats of Strength competition. I was slightly confused because the airing of grievances is usually first in Festivus…although I guess Ali did air some grievances with Justin to start the episode so maybe the Festivus pole is coming out at the end.

The four Turkish men easily pin each of the guys and Chris summed it up best saying, “This is not fun.” Ali announces the Feats of Strength contest isn’t ending there. Next the guys will wrestle each other to determine who gets to spend the rest of the date alone with Ali. Chris wrestles Craig first and to everyone’s surprise Craig is able to somehow beat the much larger Chris. Then Rrrroberto wrestles Kirk and after 2 seconds Rrrroberto wins. So for the final its Rrrroberto in one corner and Craig in the other. Odds are on former baseball player Rrroberto but that doesn’t phase underdog Craig. After many awkward positions and a lot of slippling and sliding Craig emerges the shocking winner. Ali looks mildly amused and presents him with a mini black leather pants trophy.

The rest of the guys go back to the hotel and analyze how the lawyer was able to beat them all while Ali and Craig go for a boat ride. Craig tells Ali he’s never met anyone like her. To which a viewer at a remote watching party (who shall remain nameless for now) texted me with, “He’s never met anyone like Ali? He’s never met a blonde bimbo with a flair for dramatics?”

Craig and Ali then watch fireworks from the boat but everyone except Craig can see there aren’t any fireworks between them so it’s concluded things are still not looking well for Craig.


Frank: One-on-One Date
“The Road to Love is Bazaar”
Frank the Tank is pumped that he gets to go on a second one-on-one date with Ali because he feels like their initial connection from the Hollywood sign has faded. Ali and Frank head to the spice bazaar and look at all the different Turkish things they can buy. They stop at the aphrodisiacs table and Frank buys something in economy size. Then they stop at a Turkish clothing stall and of course Ali takes this opportunity to try on a belly dancing outfit while Frank tries on a Sultan hat.

Their last stop is at a rug and carpet shop and Frank is determined not to buy a rug seeing as he would have to carry it around for the rest of the date and they are still traveling around the world on this journey of love. However the former used car salesman turned rug salesman wins him over and we see Frank and Ali leaving the shop with a rug over their shoulders.

They head down to a Turkish cistern that is pretty amazing. Ali points to a platform in the middle of some shallow water and tells Frank that’s where they’ll be eating. Frank is secretly worried about getting his new magic carpet wet but throws it over his shoulder and wades through the water with Ali. After dinner Frank tells Ali that she’s beautiful inside and out. Then there was some awkward silence followed by Frank telling Ali he is only going to propose once in his life so it makes him a little nervous that she’s currently dating 5 other guys. Ali and Frank agree that their chemistry scares each other. Then she gives him the rose and they make out.

The Most Predictable Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali looks over the pictures of the guys in the deliberation room when Chris Harrison walks in prepared for another counseling session. Ali tells him she doesn’t need counseling or a cocktail party – her mind’s made up this week, she already knows who she wants to send home and therefore wants to go straight to the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison stalls because they need some more footage for this boring episode so he asks her multiple times if she is sure she’s made up her mind. She continues to say she knows who is getting the boot this week.

Some viewers at the watching party thought the editing was trying to make it seem like Craig was not getting a rose so that she could then give him a rose in a dramatic twist but looking at the other 5 guys he was up against it was pretty clear the chemistry between Ali and Craig was the weakest.

Chris Harrison gathers the guys together and tells them Ali’s ready for the rose ceremony with no cocktail party. They guys follow Chris into the rose ceremony room and we see that Chris has chosen to wear Air Jordans with his suit this week. Interesting.

Ali enters and in a sappy voice explains that all relationships moved forward this week which made it clear which guy needed to go home. Farrell had some issue with her semantics seeing as if ALL relationships moved forward the choice wouldn’t be as clear since they would ALL be more progressed.

She hands roses out to:
Rrroberto: Of course
Chris: Just a minor strike for the shoes
Kirk: He’s gaining ground as a front runner

Which means that Craig is sent home…to no one’s surprise. Ali walks him out and tells him she felt the romance was missing between them. He stays classy and wishes her well and then once in the rejection minivan he tells us he’s shocked. I’m guessing if he’s watching this season now he’s likely not quite as shocked.

Ali tells the guys they’re off to Lisbon, Portugal next and then the scenes for the rest of the season are quite revealing. Ali gets to meet Frank’s family, Chris is strangely missing from most of the clips, someone’s dad is a taxidermist, and Frank delivers some sort of bad news that causes Ali to look like this:
There’s also a special next week on Jake & Vienna’s breakup that I’m not sure I can bring myself to watch…the 2 minute clip of her interview on Entertainment Tonight nearly did me in.

Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog and the hilarious ihategreenbeans.com, see you next week for a hopefully much more dramatic rose ceremony and more chase scenes!

Ice Ice Baby

Major Bachelor Breaking News today! I’m sure you’ve read that America’s Sweetheart couple Jake & Vienna have called it quits. And not very amicably. I know you’re shocked and likely experiencing some denial. But don't despair people! The silver lining to this tragedy is that we can put our hope in Ali – here’s to her following in the Golden Couple’s footsteps to find love! And with that let's see how last night went for our fearless leader...

Fire & Ice...but sadly, no James Taylor
The gang is in Iceland this week and unfortunately Ali’s cold weather clothes aren’t much better than her California wardrobe. We see her in a hot pink jacket, very large gloves, and an even bigger furry hat (see above). Ali is excited about continuing her journey of love in this freezing country.

The guys walk up to Chris Harrison outside in some sort of plaza – Our Host looks dapper as usual. The guys were prepared for a blizzard in their outdoor gear which also included Russian Fur Hats for almost everyone. Those must be the trend for this season…

Chris Harrison tells the guys they have the opportunity to earn a one-on-one date with Ali this week. They have one hour to come up with a love poem and then will perform their poem for Ali…with all the other guys watching. And bonus points may be given if Icelandic words are used. Ashley at the watching party shouts out, “Ikea!” I know you're likely thinking that's a stretch because Ikea was founded in Sweden and the headquarters are in Netherlands…but they do have an Ikea store in Iceland…

The guys split up to work on their poems – some resort to asking strangers for help with Icelandic words while others rely on their own writing ability. Then it comes time for performances, here were the highlights:

Craig R.: made up something that sounded Icelandic and then confessed he totally made up the words. Later said he thought his poem was outstanding.
Kasey: I am sincere…mutter something quietly…insert cliché…mumble, mumble…guard & protect your heart…mumble, mumble. Ali was confused, as were the guys and the watching party. I think the hoodie wrapped around his neck may have had something to do with the low talking.
Chris N.: First two lines ended with the word “out” – don’t think that counts in poetry, aren’t you supposed to rhyme not repeat words?
Kirk: Learns from Rrrroberto himself and actually walks near Ali and tells her he loves her “rich root beer eyes”…
Frank: Also learns from Rrroberto & Kirk and walks near Ali and sits on the bench with her. He loves writing poems so he thinks he aced this test.

None of the other guys really stood out and in the end Ali chose Kirk for actually speaking to her instead of yelling across the plaza.

Kirk: One-on-One Date
Matching Sweaters equal Matching Hearts
Ali sits near a fountain and waits for Kirk. He walks up behind her and since she doesn’t turn around when she hears footsteps he conveniently scares her and then the laugh about the fake scare that the cameramen suggested.

They head out to an Icelandic sweater shop and try on all sorts of cultural clothes. Many of the sweaters look very large and itchy. We see Kirk’s playful and funny side when he asks Ali how attracted she is to him while he’s wearing a women's sweater. They emerge from the sweater shop wearing the exact same zip up sweater…of course.

They feed some fish and ducks and then go inside to enjoy some sort of hot beverage. Over their drink Ali asks Kirk about his past relationships, he tells her he hasn’t dated anyone for over a year and this makes her worried. Really Ali!?! You’re keeping the ENERTAINMENT WRESTLER around and the guy who spontaneously makes up horrible songs yet THIS is what gives you a red flag?! I feel it would be beneficial for you to read my open letter to Jillian Harris.

Back at the hotel Chris L. receives the group date card and reads the participant names aloud: Rrroberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank the Tank are all winners which means that Kasey and Justin are losers who have to go on the 2 on 1 date with one of them being eliminated. Tension rises as Justin morphs into his Rated-R character and decides his sole purpose in life is winning this challenge against Kasey. Kasey looks sadder than usual as he looks down at his tattooed wrist…

The matching sweaters are now eating dinner and Kirk decides to give Ali the full story on why he hasn’t dated someone for over a year. (Does there have to be a story? Am I totally missing something here?)

Basically he got really sick about 5 years ago with a strange illness, he had trouble breathing, lost a lot of weight, started losing hair – very odd things. He saw over 40 physicians and no one knew what was causing the illness or what it was. His mother was diligent in research and found out after a year and a half that the house he had moved into with friends in college was actually a condemned house so he was suffering from breathing in mold and asbestos. Crazy story for sure.

The watching party agrees with Julie’s assertion that Ali’s not the best listener because while Kirk is sharing, her facial expression frequently rotates between confusion, worry, and shock. She offers Kirk the rose after his story and he gladly accepts. Then they kiss because she’s had enough of this talking and listening for the night.

Back at the hotel Kasey is slowly losing it over the 2 on 1 group date with Justin. Frank tries to give Kasey a motivating pep talk while using a wrestling pun of course, “''I think this is your time to shine. I think this is your time to send the wrestler home, back to the ring” Sadly Kasey can’t be motivated because he has already lost it. He tells Frank, “If I’m not here for love what am I here for?! I’m not trying to just stick around – I’m trying to be the man of her dreams. Physical pain is nothing to me – that’s why I got this tattoo, to be a man, to be a man for that woman.” Frank slowly backs away...

Group Date
Activities That Sound More Fun Than They Actually Are
The guys pull up to a mountain where Ali is holding 8 horses and silently cursing the ABC staffer who came up with this idea for a group date. The guys hop out and relieve her of having to hold the reins for the 8 horses. Southern Ty is already in his zone because he has ridden a horse before which puts him at an advantage against the rest of these Yankees. He helps everyone with their saddles and then the group is off on a horse ride through the freezing cold mountains.

While the scenery was pretty, Julie at the watching party said it best when she noted that "This is one of those things that sounds more fun than it actually is." We all agreed when we saw the wind pick up and Ali’s lips turn blue.

The gang stops at a cave and Ali informs them they’ll be rappelling down into the hole to go exploring. Chris L. – the true Massachusetts boy sums up his impression of the date, ‘We’ve ridden horses, now we’re going down in a cave – what’s next, playing with snakes?” Since he had a little trouble on his horse he figures he better try to get some man points back and volunteers to go down in the scary cave first.

He makes it down and Ali goes next so they have a few minutes of alone time. Ali mentions her fingers are cold and he gives her his gloves – more man points. Everyone explores the cave and then they walk out of another opening and have a picnic on top of the glacier. Neat-o.

At the hotel we see Justin leaving on his crutches. He’s talking about winning the battle and stepping it up or something like that. Then we see him enter a doctor’s office and exchange his cast for a boot. He puts his crutches in a conveniently placed trash can upon hobbling out crutch-less and tells us, “This is one small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R.” More morphing into Rated-R…Justin has officially left the show.

Once back in the hotel, Kirk reads the date card aloud to Kasey and Justin, “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice." Rated-R is fired up and says, “The pressure is on Kasey. My hand is twitching. That means my adrenaline is kicking in. You better watch out.” Kasey tries to rebuttal with, “What makes you so confident.” Rated-R tells him, “You are just a hurdle. There is one rose and someone is going home. And that person isn’t going to be me.” Kasey is confused because he thought he already had a rose – he looks down at his wrist to confirm…yep still there behind the shield with the heart…

Meanwhile Ali has decided to treat the guys to a relaxing night since they had to do all that work riding the horses and walking around in a cave. She takes them to this place called Blue Lagoon which is essentially a giant hot tub in a glacier. You didn’t think freezing temperatures would stop ABC from finding a body of water on a group date did you!? Ali dramatically unzips her snow suit to reveal a tiny bikini and the guys change into their swimsuits as fast as possible to join her in the giant hot tub.

She spends alone time with Ty first and tells him she likes how Southern he was today. With Chris L. she asks about his past relationships and then they make out. With Frank she asks why he isn’t swooning over her and he promises to swoon on future group dates.

She rejoins the group and it’s clear by this point that she’s had a few too many of those Icelandic drinks if you know what I mean. She slurs some words together about how amazing their day was. Then she looks down at the rose and tries to remember the name of this guy on her right…”Ty! That’s it – I’m giving the rose to Ty!”

Justin & Kasey: 2 on 1 Date
Crazy vs. Crazy
Rated-R is pumped up for this competition. He tells us, “If Kasey gets the rose today he’s gonna earn it.” Which I think means Rated-R is planning to beat Kasey up...

Rated-R and Kasey walk up to a helicopter and Ali acts surprised to see that Justin has a boot instead of a cast and crutches. The three of them hop in the helicopter and go watch a volcano erupt. As they look down on the flying lava Rated-R continues with the wrestling puns, “I want Kasey to doubt everything. I’m looking at a volcano and I feel a volcano inside me. I’m waiting or the 1, 2, 3 count and waiting for the bell to ring so I can hold the belt…or in this case Ali…in my victory.” How sweet, just what every girl wants to be compared to – a wresting championship belt.

They land the helicopter on the volcano and Ali says, “Stepping out of the helicopter onto the volcano…” and Ashley at the watching party finishes her sentence with, “…is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”

After walking around the lava they head to a cave that has lots of ice sculpted furniture. Ali spends alone time with Rated-R first and tells him how bad she feels about having to let one of them go. Rated-R tells her to think about the goal – the prize at the end and to not worry about hurting Kasey along the way. She holds her chin up and realizes she must press forward in this journey no matter how many hearts get broken.

Kasey sits outside the cave on some ice and looks absolutely freezing. He tells us through chattering teeth, “I’m just gonna do what I do best.”…be cheesy. Ali tells us the only thing that Kasey has to do is be normal. The watching party tells Kasey he is in trouble.

During their alone time Kasey reminds Ali of how she told him she didn’t think he was sincere. Then he rolls up his sleeve and says, “The only way to show you that I will guard and protect your heart is to do something crazy that will stick with me for the rest of my life. So I got a tattoo.”

He reveals the tattoo and Ali’s root beer brown eyes became flying saucers. She stares down at the tattoo and says, “Whaaaa…um…when did you do that?” He tells her he got it in New York and then explains how it’s a cool shield with 11 stones to represent the 11 guys that were left at that time – the shield is protecting a heart – her heart. And there’s a rose at the top so he will eternally have a rose and can’t leave her ever.

She internalizes her freaking-out and manages to smile and says, “Thank you for being you. That tattoo is special.” Special Indeed…

Ali says nice things about Kasey and Rated-R and then tells Rated-R she’s giving him the rose. She tells Kasey he’s a great guy but she doesn’t want to hold him back – there’s some other tattoo-loving girl out there for him and he needs to go find her! But not right now, now he needs to stand on the ice and watch as she leaves with the Entertainment Wrestler. Ali and Rated-R wave goodbye to Kasey as he stands alone in the snow with his tattoo that ironically was not able to guard or protect his own cold broken heart.

Justin tells us the camera “The bottom line is that Tattoo went down. He self destructed and made it easy for me to get a rose. Actually two roses…one to Justin and one to Rated R.” I’m starting to worry Justin thinks that Rated-R is an actual person…

For those of you playing the “guard and protect” drinking game – official count for this episode was 5, hope you made it through the show.

Cocktail Party and the Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
As the guys wait for Ali, Rated-R tells them all about how he destroyed Kasey and lifted Ali over his head in his glory of winning the championship belt. Or something like that…I was distracted by seeing that Kirk is wearing his matching sweater. Cute points for Kirk…

Ali enters the room and Aimee at the watching party provides the most accurate description of her dress, “Seatbelt.” In her defense the one-shoulder look was definitely the trend of last season. However this dress was definitely more in the seatbelt rather than trendy category.

Frank the Tank proves to Ali that he learned his lesson and immediately steals her away for alone time. She tells him she missed that swooning look he gives her. Craig gets the next alone time and tells Ali, “I love the group dates. I’m an expert at them. I was thinking that even in the short time we’ve had together, I’ve felt I wanted to do something to show how I’m feeling…”

He then rolls up his sleeve to reveal a drawn-on tattoo of a heart with Ali’s name in it on his wrist. Ali laughs hysterically…the watching party laughs hysterically. But we still don’t think Craig is staying around much longer…

Chris N. finally gets some alone time (on camera) with Ali and it’s clear there is zero connection here. Ashley’s hope that he was a planted mole starts to fade. Ali asks him what his guilty pleasure is and he answers, “I love Mexican food.” Bless his heart.

Rrroberto takes Ali outside and she tells him he’s so hot that if they were in a bar she wouldn’t approach him because she would have thought he was out of her league. It’s here I think that Chris Harrison decided a self-esteem counseling session was needed. Rrroberto tells her he’s not that hot… she keeps acting like he’s a 10, but he thinks he’s really just a 9.

Our Host Chris Harrison enters and takes Ali away to the infamous deliberation room. It’s the first time we’ve had a chance to see the deliberation and Our Host wastes no time getting to Ali’s hopes and fears. All counselors at the watching party agree he did a fine analysis.

Ali emerges from the deliberation room and I think everyone knew it was Chris N.’s time…unless he was one of her friends secretly disguised as a suitor so he could reveal what the guys were really like. Ali tells the guys they’re all amazing and then roses are handed to:

Frank the Tank: His game is back on
Chris L.: Smart woman
Rrroberto: Easily a 10 in her book
Craig: She likes to laugh

So the mole theory is put to rest another season. Chris N. takes a moment and says his goodbyes and then is very contradictory in the rejection taxi. He tells us, “I’m shattered by this whole thing.” But based on his tone and facial expression he could have just as easily said, “I’m having a tuna sandwich for lunch.” I didn’t really see or hear the sadness…

Anyway, we’re down to 7 men and the next stop on their world tour of love is….Istanbul, Turkey! Scenes show someone calling Ali to reveal that one of the guys has a girlfriend! I can’t believe these guys aren’t really who they say they are – that has never happened in the history of this show before – the horror!!

See you next week at the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!!

Check out other more hilarious recaps here: Ihategreenbeans.com and Chris Harrison’s blog.

The Tattoo Heard 'Round the World

Dear tens of readers of this blog – I apologize for the delay on this post. I only emerged from behind my pillow a few hours ago due to the endless embarrassing moments from Monday’s episode. I’ll try to be better prepared for the awkwardness next time…

Episode 4 starts as any other episode has – with our dear host Chris Harrison. He enters the living room of the bachelor pad and tells the guys that they’ll be going around the world for love, first stop: NYC. They guys are super excited; Chris Harrison tells them to pull it together and pack in an hour.

Ali is already in NYC sporting her trendy yellow hat and purple gloves while casually sipping coffee as she walks the streets. She’s excited for the trip around the world with her men because that’s how you get your relationship to the next level in the real world. Also in the real world you get to be a part of an InStyle makeover and photo shoot.

A mustached man takes Ali’s photos and then the editor tells her that she’s not the only blonde who will appear in the July issue – Ali starts cursing the editor and ABC because she told them she wasn’t dealing with that fake blonde Vienna again; thankfully before things get out of hand the editor reveals the cover girl is Cameron Diaz…not Vienna.

The guys arrive in NYC and receive the first one-on-one date card which goes to Kasey…this was the end of anything relatively normal in this episode.

Kasey
“Let’s Do What Comes Natural”
Ali heads to the suite to pick up Kasey and tells him they’ll be headed on a helicopter ride around the city. For a fear of flying Ali sure is “planning” a lot of plane rides. She tells us, “We’re gonna do things most people wish they had a chance to do.” I’m pretty sure helicopter tours are readily available to tourists willing to pay, Al.

During the helicopter ride Kasey went on about how his view of Ali and the city were equally as beautiful. The watching party kept asking Kasey to cough or something to clear his throat. He did not, but instead told us a story about how Ali was a caterpillar while she dated Jake and all these other guys but now that she was with him she was turning into a butterfly. Then the watching party started made gagging sounds and collective eye rolls.

Kasey reminds us he’s there to guard and protect Ali’s heart and he’s hoping that she is the one who will guard and protect his heart as well. Amy P. at the watch party notes that Kasey must have really enjoyed the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

After the helicopter ride they had a picnic in a field. This is where it happened -- 13 minutes into this show and it was hands down the most awkward, hilarious, shocking, and unbelievable moment I’ve seen in the entire series. Here’s the play by play:

Kasey starts acapella singing a song he made up to a tune he made up with absolutely no melody. Lyrics are: “When I was flying in the helicopter over this amazing city, I looked to my left and never saw something so pretty.”

Pause for reaction from Ali…Ali’s reaction: nervous, uncomfortable laughter.

Clue Kasey should have picked up: stop singing! Action he chose instead: continued singing with, “At the end of tonight I'm not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I'll see and find a rose.”

End of song, pause for final reaction from Ali…Ali’s reaction: confused look and silent questioning as to when Joe and Rose or City and Pretty could be used as rhyming words. Kasey’s perceived thoughts based on Ali’s reaction: “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

Oh you have no idea Kasey…although while it was intense, I think painful is a better adjective. Side memo to Kasey: Please consider guarding and protecting the viewers’ eyes and ears next time before choosing to compose and perform your own little ditty.

After the picnic and impromptu concert they head to the Natural Museum of History where Kasey’s “quirky” side continues to shine. He imitates a monkey, tries to scare Ali in the dark, and runs around the museum with her.

Kasey tells us that he’s decided Ali is his future wife. He knows she’s The One. The watching party decides Kasey is the male version of last season’s crazy Michelle.

Over dinner in the museum Ali asks Kasey how this relationship is different from his past relationships. He goes for the obvious answer and says, “One reason…because you’re Ali…you’re all I’ve ever wanted - I choose you…I hope someday you can choose me.”

Ali sees the red flag emerging and asks. “How do you know if someone’s for you?” Kasey’s answer OF COURSE is, “When they want to guard and protect my heart too.” Ali tells him she feels like he’s reading a story because his lines – I mean answers – are so perfect. To which he says, “It’s just my heart – jump in stay a while.” To which I have no words…

Kasey’s not done yet though – nope, he then takes her hands into his and starts singing another original ditty. “From the night that I first saw you, I was stepping through black glass, and I knew right then first moment that you and I would last. On the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now in New York City, and it’s just you and me. And tonight you got a rose, and I want to feel its thorns, and if you choose me Ali I’ll forever be yours.” At the end of his non-rhyming song with no melody he told her, “I don’t know – it just came to me, I guess that’s what you do to me – you inspire me.” I’m sure Ali was beyond flattered that she inspired…that.

The red flag is still waving in front of Ali and so she tells Kasey she’s not sure he’s really genuine – she thinks he may have borrowed some lyrics from Eminem and so she can’t give him the rose but the producers want him to stay so he’s staying.

Group Date
“Let’s Play”
Rrroberto, Jesse, Kirk, Craig, Frank, Ty, and Jonathan the Weatherman were the lucky 7 chosen for the “let’s play” group date. They head out to Times Square and watch a video on one of the large screens instructing them to find her in the concrete jungle. Oh fun – so this will be like a scavenger hunt type date! The guys turn around and see that the Lion King Theater is behind them and there’s Ali waving from the second floor window. So much for an entertaining scavenger hunt…

The guys run up the stairs to Ali – Weatherman gets there first and gives her a hug. She peels him off and tells the guys she’s not feeling great but is pushing through to go on this group date. Such a trooper. The guys learn they’ll have to perform a song and dance for the directors to decide who wins the actual date with Ali that evening.

The lucky 7 chosen ones emerge from backstage wearing spandex bike shorts and random different colored pastel v-necks. They begin learning the dance from the choreographer and the director’s comments were hysterical. They ranged from, “He’s got it…oh he lost it,” to “that one’s got a crazy leg thing going on.”

After the dancing each guy had to sing a solo of 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight'. It’s too bad we already have our theme song for the season because an Elton John number would have been a good candidate. During the solos we learn that Jesse can actually sing and Rrrroberto should be renamed Rico Suave because he’s always making the moves. During his solo Rrrroberto actually turned to Ali and sang directly to her instead of the piano man.

The director declares Rrroberto the winner based on his courage – the other guys start beat themselves up for not thinking singing to the woman they are all dating instead of the man at the piano.

Rrroberto and Ali start their training immediately while the other 6 guys get to watch in the audience. Kirk notes that Rrroberto gets to put his head in Ali’s cleavage while they perform some sort of Cirque de Soleil routine on stage and the Weatherman gets angry at himself for being such a “schmuck” and not thinking about singing to Ali.

Finally it’s performance time – Ali prepares in her dressing room with a gold star taped up with her name written in sharpie marker. (ABC really went all out on that prop.) Frank tells us the knife in his back is twisted when the guys are forced to watch Rrroberto and Ali’s performance from a TV in the lobby. Rrrroberto and Ali perform and I admit I think it’s pretty cool they got to actually be part of a Broadway show…I’m just glad I didn’t pay for that ticket.

The whole gang goes out for drinks after the show and by this time Ali has gone from feeling bad to officially being sick. She sounds awful but again is pushing through for this all important group date. And what’s the best thing to do when you feel sick? Go outside in the rain for a walk of course! Ali and Frank head outside with umbrellas that aren’t able to sustain the winds and rain. They laugh at their inside out umbrellas and Frank feels confident about their relationship again.

Once back inside Ali chooses to spend some time talking to Craig for some reason and the Weatherman stresses over whether or not to go interrupt their conversation in an attempt to get his own one-on-one time. After much debate he slowly moves closer to their conversation and then goes in for the kill, “Ummm…hey guys – hate to interrupt but ummm…can I talk to you for a sec Ali?”

Craig and Ali exchange looks and then Ali says, “Just a few more minutes – I’ll come find you.” And with that we know this is the Weatherman’s last night with us.

Kirk goes for the caregiver role and tells Ali he thinks she should go on upstairs and go to sleep…oh and he should go with her to tuck her in. She agrees this is a good idea and tells the guys she’s not handing out a rose tonight because she’s not thinking straight. Kirk walks Ali to her room then she asks him to sing her a lullaby and thankfully we didn’t have to witness that. Jonathan the weatherman is not sure what to think about the fact that they didn’t get any one-on-one time…I tell him it means gray skies friend.

Chris L
“Let’s Take a Bite Out of the Big Apple…or Chicken Noodle Soup”
Finally Chris L. gets a one-on-one date! He’s excited to hang out with her in the big apple as the date card clue read and it also happens to be his birthday. It’s nice that his girlfriend took a time out from the other 10 men she’s dating to spend his big day with him. As the date draws near there’s a knock on the door with an updated date card informing him that Ali is not feeling any better today. (maybe something to do with walking in the rain?) So the date is being moved to her suite. Ever the optimist, Chris L. is still excited that they will get to spend the day together…even if she is coughing up mucus.

He shows up at her place bearing gifts – she loves the thoughtfulness of flowers and chicken noodle soup. Point for Chris L.! They talk on the couch about family and he shares more about how he moved back home to be with his mom when she got sick and how close he is with his family. Chris L. is quickly becoming my decisive favorite.

Back at the hotel the guys have discovered that Kasey is missing. They’re worried because Kasey was a little down after not receiving a rose on his one-on-one date. Meanwhile we see Kasey walking down the street talking yet again about how he wants to guard and protect Ali’s heart. He wants to show her he’s serious about this commitment and so he enters….a tattoo parlor! The watching party gasps in horror! Surely Chris Harrison will step in and give him a talking to, right!? Wrong!! Kasey decides to tattoo a shield protecting a heart with a rose peeking out from the top on his wrist…FOREVER.

Ali is feeling better thanks to the magical chicken noodle soup so Chris L. and her go to an exclusive NYC Club that they have all to themselves to enjoy with a platter of seafood. Unfortunately she didn’t have time to do her hair. Ali pulls out a cell phone and tells Chris L. that since it’s his birthday she arranged for him to be able to call his dad on speaker phone. Special.

Ali extends the rose to Chris L. who happily accepts and then they head out to the roof of the exclusive NYC club to find Joshua Radin with a gospel choir. I’m very jealous they got a private Joshua Radin concert; however throwing in the gospel choir was a little random.

Kasey walks back to the hotel with his fresh tattoo that he will have FOREVER. He doesn’t want to show the guys his sweet tat yet so he’s covered it up with a bandage which of course won’t be questionable at all…

The guys ask Kasey where he was and why his wrist is bandaged and he says he had to go to the hospital because he burned his wrist on the oven. Really Kasey, that’s the best excuse you could come up with?! Justin the entertainment wrestler doesn’t buy it and goes on record that he believes Kasey is a “fibber”. I’m going on record that I’ve never heard the word ‘fibber’ used by anyone older than the age of 7.

Dramatic Cocktail Party Time
Craig cracks a joke to open the cocktail party telling the guys, “You know we have a lot of good guys here – with the exception of Justin.” Justin makes a mental note that Craig is a fibber too. Ali emerges wearing a plunging v-neck black jumpsuit that at first glace looks like it could have been velour. Upon further studying I don’t think it was velour but anytime you could be mistaken for wearing velour (and you are not J.Lo) it’s not a good thing.

The Weatherman has decided that he needs to sing to show her his love because that’s what everyone else is doing. So he pulls out a guitar during their one-on-one time and….his voice is less than great. I don’t remember the lyrics because by that point in the show my ears were bleeding. Kirk summed it up best by saying, “You know what we need, we need one more guy to play guitar in this house.” The Weatherman’s voice sounds better to him in his head so he tells us, “Now that I sang, I’d be more surprised if I didn’t get a date.”

Justin the entertainment wrestler has decided it’s time to call out Kasey’s fibbing. He tells Kasey he wants to see his burn mark and Kasey’s well-thought out response is, “Umm…what does that have to do with anything – are you questioning my integrity?” Justin the entertainment wrestler badgers him until he finally unbuttons his sleeve and reveals the tattoo. The guys facial expressions say it all…shock, horror, unbelief, confusion.

Kasey tells the guys he got the tattoo to prove his commitment to Ali- he explains he wants to (all together now) “guard and protect her heart” so that’s why he’s chosen a nifty shield protecting a heart design. And to recognize the rest of the guys he also got 11 stones in the design of the shield because they are the top 11 guys. Frank comments, “Getting a tattoo doesn’t prove anything except you’re nuts.” Chris L. very accurately stated, “He’s going to be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of his life. That's going to be his nickname.''

The guys tell Kasey to his face that they think it’s great because of course Ali is going to think it’s crazy once she sees it. Kasey takes her aside for the big reveal but first explains that he was confused by her comment that he was not genuine because he’s nothing if not crazy – I mean genuine. He gave her some candy (sour patch kids, fabulous choice) to make her feel better and then just as he went to roll back his sleeve to show her what else he got in her honor…. Frank came in and stole Ali away!

Poor Ali goes in to the rose ceremony without knowing that Kasey has tattooed an 11-stone shield protecting a heart with a rose emerging from the top in her honor on his wrist – a decision that will be with him FOREVER.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali tells the guys this was the most real week because even though they traveled to New York and were part of a Broadway show and had a museum and exclusive night club to themselves she was also sick so that’s real life. Totally.

Roses went to:

Kirk – The one she likes to kiss
Frank – The one who is the reason she knows nothing about Kasey’s scarring
Craig – The one who is not my favorite
Chris N. – The one who is the potential mole since we never see him
Rrroberto – The one who put his head in her cleavage
Justin – The entertainment wrestler who calls people fibbers
Ty – The country singer you forgot about
Kasey – The tattooed Bachelorette guy

The Weatherman and Jesse say their goodbyes – Jesse didn’t seem too shocked as he had figured out she was a city girl and he wants acreage with cows. The Weatherman feels like Ali didn’t get a chance to know him…odd because I feel like I know him too well.

Scenes for next week show that we’ll be off to Iceland on this journey of real life love. The idea of a drinking game based on the number of times the phrase “guard and protect (my/your/her) heart” is said was thrown out at the watching party. But I’m a little worried we wouldn’t make it through the second hour of the show. Ali’s voiceover saying, “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal” was priceless…here’s hoping for a shocking tattoo reveal next week! Can. Not. Wait.

Run Away

We’re three episodes in and finally got our theme song for this season of The Bachelorette. Last season we were treated to Jeffrey Osborne’s classic and this season the Barenaked Ladies get the honor with their song titled You Run Away. It’s fitting because Ali is running away from her job and into multiple unstable relationships and you, the viewer, are running away from your TV due to the multiple awkward situations on display. Win-Win!

To start the show Chris Harrison enters the living room of the bachelor pad to give his weekly pep talk to the boys. He tells them he hopes that one of them will be her fiancé at the end of this and I have to wonder if he’s really pulling for one of these guys or if he's paid extra to say that. He leaves the date card which we learn is for Rrrroberto! (I like rolling the R on his name and thus will type it how it sounds in my head)

Rrrroberto – “Love is a Balancing Act”
Ali pulls up to the house in a sports car and her best 80s casual outfit – off the shoulder shirt, check! Tight rolled denim capris, check! She tells Rrroberto, “We’re not going by land, we’re going by air!” Cue the first of many helicopter rides to come this season.

Unfortunately Ali still hasn’t kicked that nasty fear of flying habit so she freaks out the whole ride and Rrrroberto takes the opportunity to calm her fears through holding her hand and putting his arm around her. And she LOVES it. Ali tells the camera that Rrrroberto could be the guy for her. Julie at the watching party tries to be the voice of reason that Ali obviously can’t hear and says, “A little premature Al…”

The helicopter lands on the top of a building and Ali tells Rrrroberto they’ll be walking across wires to another building where conveniently a dinner table is set up. They get all harnessed in and Ali explains to us that, “Going through something stressful together shows you who the person is.” Ali must have had an Oprah Aha moment when she watched Jake & Vienna’s bungee jumping date from last season and now believes that facing scary challenges involving heights is the way to get someone to fall for you.

Once halfway through the walk of fear on wires Rrroberto turns to Ali and says, “I want to give you something here.” He turns toward her and then leans in for their first kiss. And she LOVES it.

Safely on the other side and miraculously changed into nice clothes Rrroberto and Ali sit down for dinner. We learn that Rrroberto speaks many languages including the most important one of all, Ali’s love language – hotness. She tells us that she’s not used to feeling insecure about her looks with a guy because she’s usually the good looking one in a relationship. I have flashbacks of Zoolander while Jaws drop at the watching party and Julie again tries reasoning with her, telling the TV, “Even if you think that don’t admit it out loud.”

Ali and Rrroberto snuggle after dinner because a good snuggler is on her 5-point criteria for how to find a suitable suitor. Ali then steals a Spanish line from 2pac and tells Rrroberto to “dame un beso” which means “give me a kiss”. Rrroberto happily obliges and with that Ali gives him a rose and tells him she’s hopeful for their journey. Rrroberto asks that she not forget about him while dating 13 other guys.

Group Date – “Rock My World”
Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Weatherman, Craig, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. are the lucky winners of this week’s group date. The Expedition Limo (because that’s necessary) drives them to a deserted part of LA where Ali is standing in the middle of the street waiting for them. They exit the limo confused because this seems like a shady part of LA where “gangs and stuff” hang out. Then they hear music in the background and start to worry there’s going to be some sort of dance-off like in that Step Up 2 movie. Just before the Weatherman starts crying, Ali leads them under a bridge and around the corner to reveal…the Barenaked Ladies!

The guys are relieved and ecstatic that they get to meet such a cool band! Craig R. is especially excited to make his friends jealous. Ali explains that they will all get to play parts in the video that the band is making for their new song which is actually based on her life. The guys all read their parts – some get kisses, some get slaps, and some get no physical contact at all.

Frank is the lucky recipient of the “slap” scene. At first he’s excited to go first and thinks it’s a good thing Ali feels comfortable slapping him. Nine takes later, he’s not so sure it’s a good part anymore. John C. (henceforth to be known as Buster Bluth because that’s a better star spot than Bert) gets a scene that involves him getting into a bathtub while Ali simultaneously gets out of the bathtub. He’s not sure what that means.

Then it was time for the Weatherman’s scene which required him to kiss Ali. This was a problem because 1) This would be their first kiss, and 2) All the other guys would be watching. The Weatherman was beyond nervous for this kiss and it showed big time. It’s hard for me to even really describe what happened. First he told her she didn’t have to kiss him. Then when it was time to kiss he gave her a kiss on the neck. Then some sort of halfway kiss that Ali had to initiate occurred and it was just painful. So painfully awkward in fact, that the Weatherman actually started crying over his fear. Which then led to more awkwardness – it was a vicious awkward cycle.

After that we went to Kirk’s scene which involved them kissing and rolling around in a bed. I was thankful this scene was not handed to the Weatherman because who knows what kind of emotional breakdown would have occurred there. However, a different kind of awkwardness occurred when the director yelled “cut” and Kirk and Ali kept going at it. Awkward again…The other guys left the room because they didn’t want to watch that and I can’t say I blame them - I was very tempted to leave the room of the watching party.

At the wrap party Chris L. secures some alone time with Ali first and explains that the signature tattoo he has is actually his mom’s signature and he got it after she passed away. Ali was supportive in her response and Chris L. told her he’d talk more about it when there was more time. Have I mentioned Chris L. is my favorite?

The Weatherman interrupts and steals Ali away. Again the Weatherman has made a poor fashion choice for this group date. Instead of his white MJ jacket from last week this week he’s gone with a combination of a green army and bomber jacket. He whispers to ask Ali if she wants to go somewhere and hide so they can have a real first kiss but before she can answer Craig R. comes in to steal her away. The Weatherman tells us that he feels their connection grows each time they are together. Julie (aka Voice of Reason) tells him, ‘You’re calling the weather wrong, son.” And with everything that’s taken place for the weatherman this season I feel it’s only appropriate that I address the situation with him personally so….

An Open Letter to Jonathan the Weatherman:
Dear Jon,
I just realized it’s appropriate that your real name is Jon because a 'Dear Jon' letter is what I fear you’ll eventually receive from Ali in this journey. Sorry if that’s harsh but know this letter comes from a place of respect – I’m for you Jon, not against you. I don’t want to watch these awkward situations any more than you want to live them.

First of all Jon, you’ve got to stop wearing these Mod jackets. You just can’t pull it off. But don’t be too hard on yourself because there’s really only one person who could. Secondly, were you aware that kissing multiple times on camera was a requirement for this show? I don’t know how you could have not known that but since it’s too late to go back now let me warn you of a few things. Should Ali keep you around Jon you’ll be expected to kiss her in front of camera crews and possibly the other guys numerous more times. There will also likely be hot tubs involved at some point. And should you somehow make it to the final 3 Jon, there are these things called ‘overnight fantasy dates’ where Chris Harrison will ask you to forego your individual room. I hope I don’t have to spell out what that means for you…

If you decide to stay I really hope you’ll heed all my advice…but most importantly the part about the jackets. It’s sunny in LA – you should know that, just put the jackets away.

Your friend,
Rebecca

Okay back to the group date – Kirk and Ali continue the hormone charge and decide to change into swimsuits for their one-on-one time and take it to the pool. They talk and make out but mostly make out. Ali tells us of Kirk, “I know he’s here to be with me…” Carrie ends the sentence for her with the word “Physically.”

Frank has been increasingly jealous on this date as he’s watched her kiss almost all the other guys so he decides to jump in the pool to break up the make out session and is promptly followed by the other guys. Ali gathers them around and awards the rose to Kirk…shocker. Then she surprises them with the debut of their music video which I hope for the Barenaked Ladies sake is not the actual video for this song.

Rated-R for Red Flags
The next day at the house Hunter is prepping for his one-on-one date while Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER ponders Chris Harrison’s pep talk from earlier in the week. He decides by Chris saying, “take advantage of every opportunity you have with Ali” he really meant, “walk up to her house to see her unannounced”. So he sneaks out of the house and hobbles along the shoulder of a highway for what is edited to look like miles but in reality is actually 1 mile.

He limps up to the house as Ali is talking about why she picked Hunter for a one-on-one date. She is shocked to see him and LOVES that he walked all that way on crutches just to see her. She tells us, “No one has ever done that for me.” Justin brought photos of his family so she could get to know the other women in his life. He talks about how he loves his mom and grandma and how he can’t wait to be a dad and you can almost hear Ali getting wrapped around his pinky.

She gives him a ride back to the house and then comes in to pick up Hunter for their date who notes it’s starting later than the previous one-on-one dates. Poor Hunter…

Hunter – “Home is Where the Heart is”
Ali and Hunter go back to her house for what is the most boring date I’ve ever seen on this show. Because of this the recap will be very short; here’s basically how the date went: Ali and Hunter cook 20 hamburgers and hot dogs, Hunter interrupts Ali as she talks about why career is important to her and Ali mentally notes that she is done with Hunter, Hunter calls her ‘Baby’ and ‘Darin’’ approximately 17 times, they swim in a pool and awkwardly look out of the infinity edge in silence, he kisses her shoulder in silence, they decide to make s’mores in silence and then Hunter points out there’s a rose sitting next to them which Ali then says she can’t give to him. Hunter leaves in a taxi and reminds us he usually doesn’t move that fast with darlin’s.

Meanwhile back at the house Justin is underhandedly talking to the other guys about how he would walk for hours just to see Ali and how cool it must be for Hunter to get to see her house since ‘none of them have seen it before’. Because of this and also because he appears to be wearing his black t-shirt inside out it’s here’s where most of the red flags were handed out to Rated-R for me. I have a very suspicious feeling about him…he sort of reminds me of this guy:

Just as Justin is going into a spiel about how he would give up his lucrative career in Entertainment Wrestling for Ali the bodyguards come in and dramatically take Hunters bags away. The guys are stunned and Justin is a little too excited to see him go – again red flag thinking he had something to do with Hunter’s exit by bumping the date back a few hours.

The Most Dramatic Cocktail Party Ever
Ali enters the cocktail party wearing what I have to assume is an old bridesmaid’s dress that she’s trying to get a second use out of. She adjusts her rhinestone belt and then gives a toast in Hunter’s honor. Chris L. gets alone time in which they discover more common interests – they both love flip cup. Justin gets some alone time again and Julie (voice of reason) tells us she can tell, “He’s definitely a clubber – he goes clubbing a lot.”

Steve tries to heed Chris Harrison’s advice about taking advantage as well and sets up a blanket and candles at the front of the house to create some ambiance while they talk. Unfortunately he has some trouble opening the champagne because he has sensitive hands and Ali needs a man who can open her liquor so she mentally notes Steve is out.

Rrroberto and Ali get some alone time in the room with the wall of a thousand candles. He unfortunately takes the opportunity to chime in with the rest of the guys and tell Ali Justin isn’t here for the right reasons. She inadvertently spills the beans about him walking up to her house and tells Rrroberto she knows he’s here for her because why else would he do that?

Rrroberto goes into the living room to tell the other guys his juicy information. Before he does though, I’m distracted by Jesse’s choice of a ‘denim on denim’ outfit. Yes, he’s chosen to wear a blue denim button down shirt with blue denim jeans. I really wanted them to pan down to his shoes because if he was wearing blue denim Keds then he would have had on the exact same outfit I wore for my 6th grade class picture. Sad but true…

So Rrrroberto tells the guys about Justin’s walk and they are livid. They confront Justin who admits he did go see her because Chris Harrison told him to take advantage of the time. They put the pieces together that Justin is to blame for cutting into Hunter’s date time and decide to eternally shun him. Justin is only used to playing the villain as his alter ego Rated-R in the ring and therefore doesn’t know how to handle conflict as himself. He walks out to the pool and cries in the shadows. Craig R. predicts that “Rated-R will stand for retired tonight – he’s not getting a rose.” I tell Craig R. it really stands for Rated Red Flag and he agrees that’s more appropriate.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali re-ties the bow on the back of her bridesmaid’s dress and then hands out roses to:

Chris L. – The one who’s my current favorite
Chris N. – Seriously who is this?
Craig R. – The one who likes to guess what Rated-R stands for
Jesse – The one wearing the outfit I wore in 1992
Kasey – The one who goes crazy according to previews
Frank – The one who is becoming more jealous
Ty – The one with the southern accent
Jonathan – The one who hopefully read my letter
And…Justin/Rated-R – The controversial “'right reasons" one

Unfortunately that means Steve and John C. (aka Buster Bluth) were sent home. Steve is shocked and Buster just wanted some juice.

Scenes for next week look like this week’s “awkward” theme will be replaced with a “crazy” theme as Kasey tries singing and inflicts some sort of personal injury. Don’t worry though – I fully expect Chris Harrison to step in and save the day. See you at the next most dramatic rose ceremony ever!

Stranger Danger

Last night in a strange twist ABC decided to pull in “Lost” fans by giving us a flash-sideways episode. In the flash-sideways world Angry Dave from last season’s bachelorette is actually Craig M. and Man-Code-Breaker Juan is actually Weatherman Jonathan. See the similarities?:

As a Lost fan I am embracing the flash-sideways and running with the similarities; which means that (Spoiler Alert!) Matthew Fox, a.k.a. Jack Shephard, will actually be the chosen one in the end.


We open the show with the Jacob of The Bachelorette, our host Chris Harrison. He tells the guys (who are drinking morning mimosas apparently) that not everyone will get a date this week and then delivers the card for the first one on one date which goes to….Big Personality Frank!

All Signs Point to Love...or Hollywood
Ali gets ready for her date wearing a tank top in her signature yellow color and tells us she’s ready for her second chance at love. She walks into the bachelor pad to pick up Frank and finds that all the other guys are out by the pool. The Lost tie-ins continued because upon seeing weatherman Jon’s gray swim trunks pulled clear up to his belly button I had a flashback of Ed’s terrible shorty green shorts.

Ali tells Frank she has a surprise for him and then escorts him out front to the driveway where a cool old car is waiting. She then tells him she’s driving – fun surprise! Our happy couple is driving along the congested highways of LA when Frank perfectly foreshadows trouble ahead by saying, “I’m in a beautiful car with a beautiful girl – what could go wrong?” I’ll tell you what could go wrong Frank; the ABC masterminds need as many dramatic twists as possible so they’ve rigged the car to ‘suddenly’ break down. Twist! Ali and Frank sit in the car for a while talking about how strange it is that it broke down and how they don’t know how to fix it from inside the car. Then they decide to ditch the cool old car and walk along the congested highway to find other transportation.

They take a cab to Hollywood and then are stalked by paparazzi. In another twist they decide to join in with the paparazzi and take pictures of each other making silly faces. Crazy kids.

Back at the bachelor pad drama continues as Craig R. takes issue with Rated-R Justin again because he thinks he’s (all together now) not here for the right reasons. Craig R. tells us he’s going to call him Rated-‘I don’t believe what you say’. Catchy.

Ali and Frank hop out of a cab near a trail and Ali explains to him in a low voice for some reason that, “no one gets to do this!” They then hike down to the Hollywood sign which I did think was actually pretty cool. Frank wins the first kiss of the season as they sit near the bottom of the sign. I’m thinking Frank is staying around a while…which is not good news for Emily at the watching party seeing as his explosive energy makes him her nemesis.

As evening approaches they share some cupcakes on the hood of the old car that has magically been fixed and transported to them. Ali presents Frank with the rose which smells dramatically as she tells us in a voice over that no matter what happens this season she’s already met a guy who made her believe that everything she’s looking for is possible. Anyone else think Ali’s moving a tad fast here?

Calendar Boys
Again back at the bachelor pad we learn it’s time for the group date announcement. We also learn as Aimee at the watching party noted that there are lots of necklaces with this season’s crop of bachelors. Winners of a group date are: Craig M., Jonathan, Ty, Tyler V., Hunter, Craig R., Steve, Kirk, Rated-R Justin, John C., Chris N., and another guy I can’t remember. Craig M. then makes fun of Jesse’s tattoos and a near fight has to be broken up by the other guys. It’s here I started having the flash sideways to Angry Dave from last season…

Ali is waiting for the guys in Malibu while wearing a bikini top and pants…because that’s a completely normal outfit. The guys jump out of the van and Ali takes them down the beach for details on their date. Unfortunately Rated-R Justin has to hop all the way down on one foot since his other foot is in a cast. Once down at the beach Ali tells the guys they’ll be posing for a photographer to have their picture included in a calendar with proceeds going to charity. After the 5 minute announcement they head back up the beach and we see poor Rated-R Justin hopping back up the beach.

The guys learn they’ll be wearing swimsuits that are worse than green shorty-shorts. I know - I didn’t think it was possible either but I guess that’s what I get for complaining. Most are in speedos or some form of swimwear with way too little fabric. Weatherman Jonathan rightfully has major anxiety over wearing, as he put it, “the bottoms to Ali’s bikini top.” To deal with his nerves though he keeps the weather puns coming by saying, “The forecast for today -- a 100% chance my crotch will show.”

And speaking of the weatherman does anyone else think he looks like Tom Cruise from the A Few Good Men years? And maybe sort of acts like him in that “appears normal but really not all the lights are on upstairs” kind of way? Judge for yourself…

Craig M. continues his quest for the title of “most self-absorbed bachelorette contestant ever” as he models during his photo shoot with a sweater over his shoulders and drink in hand. During his shoot with Ali, Ty pulls out his guitar and serenades her on the beach. The other guys have flashbacks of Wes and call him cliché among other things…but we all know they’re secretly jealous.

After a fun day of taking pictures at the beach it was time to get dressed up for cocktail hour. The guys walk in to the bar and…wait…rewind the DVR, who is wearing a cinched waist white members only jacket? Weatherman!? After further studying the jacket it’s decided that a more accurate description would be a blend of: a members only jacket, a bomber jacket, the white Gap denim jacket I owned in 1992, and one of Michael Jackson’s jackets. Not a good combination, see samples below:
Ty got the first one-on-one time and used it to tell her about his previous marriage that ended months ago. She knows a few months are all you need to get over a divorce because look how well that turned out for 10ley.

Weatherman Jon in the horrifying white jacket with the collar popped explains again why he does not care for Craig M….using weather lingo of course. “Craig M. is a category six a$@#*&%,” he tells us. Then he tells us that while he is a martial arts master, he doesn’t want to get in a fight because, “This is my money maker y’all!”, while pointing to his face. It’s here I decided that both the Angry Dave and Juan reincarnates need to go.

Weatherman gets some one-on-one time with Ali where he tells her that Craig M. is dangerous and wants to be in a fight. There are a lot of words I would use to describe Craig M. but I can’t say that dangerous is on the list. I'm thinking he used 'dangerous' because this MJ song was likely on his mind while wearing his Thriller jacket. However it doesn’t really matter as Ali is not focusing on what Jon says anyway because she can’t stop staring at the atrocious white jacket.

Meanwhile back at the bachelor pad another date card comes with a gift and we learn through reading the initials engraved on the cufflinks gift that Jesse is the winner of the final one on one date. That means Chris L., Roberto, and Kasey are dateless this week.

The one-on-ones at the group date continue with Rated-R Justin hobbling down stairs to find Ali. Similar to how I can’t focus on anything Weatherman says while he’s sporting the '92 Gap jacket, I can’t focus on anything Rated-R says while he insists on keeping the soul patch below his lip.

Ali and Justin come upstairs and she decides it’s time to hand out the rose. Ty the guitar guy cliché is the winner and Rated-R Justin tells us, “Ali’s a sharp cookie – she’ll see through the guitar guy.” To which I would like to respond, really Justin!? She’s gonna see through the ‘guitar guy’ but doesn’t have anything to see past with you the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER with the ring name “Rated-R”?

Vegas Baby! (or in this case, Vegas with a 24 year-old Baby!)
Jesse applies gobs of hair gel in preparation for his date while reminding us he owns just the one suit he bought days before coming to The Bachelorette. He meets Ali at an airport where she tells him they’re getting on a private jet to fly to Vegas. She reminds us that she still has the fear of flying that she had months ago with Jake but thinks Jesse will save her should the plane go down.

They arrive safely in Vegas and Ali says she’s “pulling out all the stops for this date” as they climb into a Ferrari waiting for them at the end of a red carpet. People pretending they organize these dates when everyone knows ABC is the one pulling out all the stops is climbing higher on my list of pet peeves.

Ali and Jesse get to swim by themselves at an exclusive pool yet to be opened in Vegas…of course. She tells us, “If I like Jesse then he comes back to LA with me, if not I guess he has to stay in Vegas.” Harsh! After swimming Jesse gets dressed up in his second suit to ever own complete with charming skinny tie and cufflinks (again note thanks to ABC, not Ali). He goes to Ali’s suite where she comes down sporting a dress she surely bought at Caesars Palace…as Aimee at the watching party said, “Oh holy Greco…”

Back at the bachelor pad Craig M. is stirring up drama yet again. He comes downstairs where the guys are and presents a “weatherman fashion show” by wearing Weatherman Jon’s gray swim trunks hiked up to his belly button, his purple button down shirt, and the infamous white jacket. He then strips off the jacket to reveal large sweat stains under his armpits. The guys think it’s hilarious, Weatherman Jon is fearful that he can’t wear those spiffy clothes again because, “who knows what diseases Craig has?”

Speaking of sweating, the one-on-one date continues as Jesse sweats profusely through dinner. There was some talking, I think, but Lauren at the watching party summed up the date perfectly by commenting, “They have to be bored because they’re boring me.” Ali gives him the rose and then they head to a private club where Jamie Cullum is performing a concert exclusively for them. I do commend ABC (not Ali) for the singer selection this year.

The Most Dangerous Cocktail Party Ever
Time for the cocktail party and Ali has chosen a cute white mini dress for her second one of the season which is substantially better than her first cocktail party dress selection. She was also smart in choosing accessories by selecting the largest ring ever in case she had to throw a few punches in breaking up a Craig M. and Weatherman fight.

She spends time with the dateless guys for the week – Chris L., who again talks about how close he is with his family, Roberto, who renders Ali incapable of forming a complete sentence and also played catch with her, and Kasey who…was interrupted by Frank before he completed a sentence.

Craig M. is hassling the Weatherman again when Ali walks in and asks to see Weatherman Jon outside. Weatherman tells us he was, “like woohoo!!!” when Ali asked for alone time. Then he says, “I’m just keeping my eye on the prize… and Ali is the prize… and the rose is the prize.” Apparently there are a lot of prizes in this Bachelorette game.

Craig M. tells some of the other guys something about calling in sick again for work. His whole storyline is confusing to me and frankly so over the top I found myself on more than one occasion thinking he was a hired actor by ABC to stir up the drama. I know there are some genuinely crazy people out there but there’s something just sort of not believable about Craig M. When he does get alone time with Ali she confronts him about whether or not he is here for her because the other guys stare at her and he doesn’t. Plus someone told her that he was dangerous. Craig M. is livid that someone thinks he is dangerous and once free from talking to Ali he calls all the guys in the room to figure out who the fearful tattletale was.

“Somebody called me dangerous,” he says, “and it made me feel pretty down.” Really!? It made you feel pretty down? See what I mean – who says that? Is this real? We’re in a flash sideways, aren’t we?! He accuses the Weatherman and then the dramatic music is cued as Weatherman stands in the shadows while Craig M. walks by. Weatherman tells us, “If Craig M. gets a rose tonight then I know for sure there is no God.” With that sentence I forgave ABC for hiring Craig M. because it was totally worth it.

When I was able to stop laughing from Weatherman Jon’s qualification statement for God it was time for yet another rose ceremony. Ali gives the usual speech that she likes them all and if someone doesn’t get a rose it’s not personal even though in reality it’s nothing but personal. She gives roses to:
Kasey – Dateless this week and also…frog in throat
Hunter - Don’t remember him
Roberto – The one that makes her blush
Chris L. – The one that’s close to family and says Wicked
Justin – Rated-Soul Patch
Steve – The one that looked the best in the speedo
Kiik – Don’t remember him
John C. - Bert
Craig R. – The one that doesn’t like Rated-R
Chris N. – Don’t remember him
Jonathan – Things were finally looking rosy for the Weatherman

So with that the Craig M. – our Angry Dave wannabe is gone. But not before telling the cameras that Ali “missed a huge opportunity giving this up” while pointing to his poofy hair. Maybe he is dangerous – doesn’t everyone feel so much safer with him gone?

During the credits we got to see someone (I can’t remember who but I want to say Weatherman Jon because I’ve been conditioned to think that he says all cheesy things) make fun of Rated-R Justin’s ring name by calling him Rated-Aaarrgh…you know, like a pirate sound. Then whoever he was (likely Weatherman Jon) shared the obvious, “It’s more like Rated-PG” joke. No way Weatherman makes it past next week…

Scenes for next week show more drama and more private concerts…of course. I recommend reading Chris Harrison’s blog and of course Lincee's recap at www.ihategreenbeans.com. See you at the next Most Dramatic (but safer) Rose Ceremony!