If At First You Don't Succeed...Try, Try Again!

Here we are again – another season of the show we hate to love (or love to hate?), The Bachelor. Full of new beginnings, new opportunities, new people…well two out of three I guess. Bachelor Brad Womack is back and since I didn’t see his first turn handing out the roses he’s getting a clean slate from me.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news…even if it is only bad news for the handful of you who are still faithfully checking in on the Breezy Blog. But this season I’ll be sitting out on the Bachelor recapping. I’m in the process of changing jobs and will be missing episodes 3 & 4 while I’m living out my very own meet-the-family date in England. (fingers crossed for a rose!) So with all that going on I’m afraid the blog writing is taking a backseat for a while.

I’m sad to miss out dissecting this season on the blog because last night’s premiere was excellent and I think this season promises to have plenty of “oh-no-she-didn’t” moments. So, there’s a chance I’ll check in and offer thoughts occasionally on things that I can’t resist from venting, I mean - sharing about. For instance, I might not be able to resist discussing the craziness of a “lady” who may or may not have had her teeth shaved to look like a vampire.

There are lots of other great blogs to check out for recaps – I recommend reading Kristen Baldwin at Pop Watch, Lincee on Ihategreenbeans and of course our host Chris Harrison on Entertainment Weekly. Here’s to a great season – and remember if you think there’s a chance the person you’re dating believes that he/she is a vampire, it’s probably best to not keep dating that person.

5th of July Fireworks (Brought to you by Jake & Vienna)

The Break-Up Special started very tranquil. Our Host Chris Harrison came out and explained while The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has produced many successful couples (including the golden couple who are happily married with kids) it has also produced some vicious breakups, not the least of which we are about to witness.

Jake came out and told Chris he wanted to fight for the relationship but it got to a point where he empathized with REO Speedwagon because he’d forgotten what he started fighting for. Except kind of the opposite because he couldn’t remember why he wanted to be with Vienna in the first place, that’s why he quit fighting. And he was sad to stop fighting for the relationship as you can see from his sad face here:
Vienna joined Jake and Our Host and told Chris what she’d already told Kevin from Entertainment Tonight as well as several tabloids – that Jake didn’t pay any attention to her at home and he had a bit of a temper. Jake then told Vienna, “I’m so mad at you – I’m so disgusted with you right now.” And then the fireworks started! A back and forth of accusations and insults began. With that – I present my top 10 quotes from the slugfest:

Vienna: “Can we get a polyOgraph test here!? Does anyone have one of those machines?”

Our Host: “Clearly this was going to hell in a hand basket in a hurry.”

Jake: “Just let me know when you’re done, then I’ll start”

Our Host: “Was Dancing with the Stars a bad thing?”

Our Host (to Vienna): “So after this interview will you disappear?”

Jake: “I didn’t ring this bell Chris, but I’m forced to be here because it’s been rung.”

Vienna: “How can you get sick of someone in 6 months?”

Vienna (while interrupting Jake): “What’s undermine – what is that, can you give an example?”

Vienna: “I’ve never even picked up a tape measure- I don’t know what a tape measure is”

Our Host: “We don’t really care about the dog.”

Vienna eventually stormed off and quit the interview. Emily at the watching party thinks the whole thing was staged but I’m not so sure. I think what really happened is this…back when Jillian was the Bachelorette an aspiring actor named Jake Pavelka applied to be on the show because any TV time is good TV time right? He told producers he would rat out evil Wes in exchange for the title of the next Bachelor – thus even more TV time. He went through the motions on The Bachelor but knew all along he had to pick the most controversial contestant to further his 15 minutes of fame. So he picked Vienna who I think actually liked him for some reason and who I believe was genuine about who she was with him the whole time -- bless her heart. So after he picked controversial Vienna he got the Dancing with the Stars gig and kept Vienna around long enough to make it believable and then agreed to this break-up special to get more TV time and to highlight Vienna’s craziness.

That’s what I believe happened however I have no evidence to support my theory. Regardless, I've come to the conclusion that both Jake and Vienna are crazy…as is anyone who signs up for this show. But then you gotta love them, right - because what else would we watch!?!

Hiatus

So The Bachelor ended and apparently that meant by blogging days ended! I apologize for the lack of posts lately and I'm not even going to bore you with excuses. Since I've been on an unplanned hiatus many exciting Bachelor events occurred. The After the Final Rose special where we learned Vienna & Jake are still annoying -- I mean together, they're still together. And of course that he will be a contestant on Dancing with the "Stars" (emphasis on the quotation marks around stars). Then there was the announcement that surprised no one - Ali will be the next 'ette. After all that excitement we were treated to Jason & Molly's wedding and then a 20/20 behind the scenes of the Bachelor special. Clearly I went on hiatus way too early...

Even though we are way past all of these events now and no one really cares about these people anymore I just don't feel right leaving these comments untyped. I need closure. So, here are some thoughts on the ATFR and the Wedding of the Century:

After the Final Rose Observations in no Particular Order:
1) 10ley was sporting a one-shoulder dress like many of the women have this season. I'm predicting this will be a big trend for spring/summer. Is it wrong to get trends from The Bachelor?

2) The entire interaction between Jake & 10ley was painful not because we were witnessing the conversation between two ex's but because we were witnessing the conversation between two ex's who use terms like "my heart still cries for you" and "you will always have a life friend." Gag.

3) Chris Harrison's acknowledgment of Jake's several "half-mesnick's" this season was classic. This is why we love Chris Harrison!

4) Thank goodness someone got a hold of Vienna's roots- she looks way better with properly dyed blonde hair.

The Wedding of the Century...Brought to you by ABC
1) Love that Chris Harrison opened the wedding by telling us Jason & Molly were about to follow in Trista & Ryan's footsteps...you know the most successful couple in history ever.

2) We had to relive the saga AGAIN of Jason picking Melissa then dumping Melissa on TV then asking Molly out on TV...my favorite part during this trip down memory lane was imagining what direction Jason received before each shot - "Now Jason sit on this bench we've set up in the middle of nowhere and look sad, like pretend you are the most hated man in America"

3) Loved the catch up with previous Bachelor/Bachelorette couples still together:

Jake & Vienna: Jake tells us they're big Jason & Molly fans and they hope to follow in their footsteps...they they eat a single noodle and meet lips in the middle, you know like on Lady and the Tramp...only this time the lady was the tramp, you know what I'm sayin'? I know, buuurrrn...that was for you Amy P.

Jillian & Ed: Still together and planning a wedding that has no date yet...

Charlie & Sarah: Who are they again? Oh yes, the on again off again couple - they're on for now but judging by her declaration for a ring I'm thinking they'll be off again here shortly.

Trista & Ryan: The golden couple - Trista tells us all of her dreams have come true...although I'm thinking her dream of rocking the bangs fell short because I'm not liking her new hairstyle.

4) The only highlight of the Vegas bachelor/bachelorette parties was Jason's friend toasting, "Of all the women Jason has proposed to Molly is my favorite." Love it - definitely reminded me of Ross from Friends...

5) Loved seeing all the former bachelor and bachelorette people - Stephanie in her pink fur was classic...Nikki was definitely strategic in sitting next to Kiptyn...Kiptyn was still hot...Deanna is dating breakdancer Michael's brother - very odd.

6) I admit I really felt bad for Jason & Molly that it started pouring rain during their wedding. It looked miserable and cold to me. I am very curious why ABC didn't allow Jo the wedding planner to have Plan B. She was clearly annoyed as well....maybe the lighting outside is better? Maybe Jason Castro had it in his contract that he must sing outside during rain so that a rainbow would appear as he sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow?

As for the 20/20 special....I haven't watched it yet! I know, what kind of blogger am I? Oh right, a blogger who doesn't get paid for blogging and does this in her free time. It's on our DVR so I plan to get to it soon and can't wait to see Reid again!

Now for a confession: I admit, I did watch Jake on DWTS Monday night even though I had no intention of doing so. What can I say - it's hard to find something else on Monday nights. (Although we did switch over to Bravo for the last 15 minutes of A Few Good Men - you can't handle the truth!) Anyway, Jake was not so great in my opinion, very stiff and unnatural. I think he should just stick to reality TV dating game shows. Although...he wasn't very good at that either. Vienna was in the crowd of course but Gia was there with her -- I guess they are friends? Isn't that kind of weird? I mean they both dated and supposedly fell in love with the same guy who is now engaged to one of them. Interesting...

Something to get you pumped for the next season: Ali in her prom dress and chucks...let the drama begin!
I feel better getting those thoughts out of my system...if I have any other comments after watching the 20/20 special I'll be sure to post those too. Until next season the Breezy Blog will continue with the Bachelor-offseason random postings...I know you're excited. :)

On the Wings of Lust...

I think the finale of The Bachelor Season 14: On the Wings of Love can be summed up through the following cloud-related pictures:


Before the most dramatic finale ever even started last night there were several hilarious comments voiced at the watching party..."I feel nauseous already" was probably the most accurate.

We open the show with Jake telling us "I'm on the edge of finding my wife". What's keeping him on the edge though is that he's so in love with both of these couldn't-be-more-different women. Minor details...

Jake sports a pastel pink shirt to go see his entire family who "shut down their lives" to fly to St. Lucia and help him find love. Hey Jake I know we're not really good friends but I just want you to know for future reference that I'd shut down my life for an all expenses paid trip to St. Lucia too. I mean, for you of course - to help a friend find love -- not only because of the free vacation. We meet the family and Amy P. notes that Jake definitely got the looks from the gene pool. About 4 minutes later approximately 80% of the family members are crying. Already?!? This is gonna be a long night.

The family asks Jake to describe these very different women and he tells them how 10ley is perfect and how all the other girls didn't really get along with Vienna. Jake's mom Sallie interjects and says, "Is she the one that everyone hated? Because you know Jake sometimes there's something to that." Now we understand that Sallie is the voice of reason in the Pavelka family. Jake then starts to backpedal and tries to tell them all of Vienna's positive qualities. Like....hmmm...she's...smart. I'm sure that's the first positive quality that came to his mind...

The Family Meets Princess 10ley
10ley walks up to the Pavelka family free vacation home carrying a very large arrangement of tropical flowers as a "please like me" gift. The family asks 10ley the usual questions and not 5 minutes into her answers Jake's dad is in tears again. Mom and 10ley leave the weeping bunch and go outside to have a chat. Sallie wants to know how 10ley handles conflict with women because it's important to her that her "daughter-in-laws" (incorrect grammar, see post below regarding my anger toward this) get along well. I'm gathering that the current daughters-in-law don't necessarily see eye-to-eye on everything, hence why Sallie is looking for a peacemaker. The set up for Vienna is unreal...

10ley takes this opportunity to share her previous divorce and how it is so important that for the next marriage she really gets along with all in-laws. Then she says "Jake is beautiful" and with that Sallie is won over. Next up is 10ley and the weeping man - I mean Jake's dad. 10ley goes on again about how much she respects their marriage and what a gift it is to their children. She says many more complimentary things and then Dad's chin starts quivering and you know what's coming next. They hug it out and Dad tells us that he feels like he's met his future daughter-in-law today.

Back inside the free vacation home Sallie gives Jake her glowing approval of 10ley and says this other girl who everyone hates has a lot to live up to. Jake says his issue with 10ley is that he hasn't been about to "rough house" with her like he does with his brothers. He gives an example of what he means, "Like if she was on the edge of the pool she needs to know that I'm going to push her in." Really Jake? As Amy P. said (quoting Liz Lemon) That's a Dealbreaker!

Jake and 10ley have a chat outside about how things went and then he says, "It's hot, let's get in the pool!" In an act of forced spontaneity, the tear off their microphones and jump in the pool. Just when you thought it was at the awkward limit here come the brothers to jump in the pool with their clothes on too. Oh you are so fun Pavelka family. The sisters-in-law dip their feet in and look on as the rough-housing brothers give 10ley a group hug in the pool. Everyone loves 10ley and all is right in the world...and I cannot wait for Vienna's visit.

The Family Meets the Opposite of 10ley
Vienna approaches the free vacation home sporting a 5-7-9 sundress and carries a fruit basket as her "please like me more than 10ley" gift. The family greets her and then start the questioning to get to the bottom of this girls in the house conflict issue. Unfortunately Vienna thinks joking about the situation and lightheartedly blowing it off as not a big deal is the best way to handle it. She tells the family through giggles that the other girls hated her from the beginning. The sweet family looks on confused as to why it would be funny to have a group of people hate you. Sister-in-law Laura tells us "there's not a lot of class in the way Vienna speaks about the women who hate her." Jake wishes the family would just notice her positive qualities (...she's "smart") and accept her.

At lunch the family continues to question Vienna to find out why she is so unlikeable by other women. Laura asks Vienna why she thinks the other girls didn't get along with her. Vienna says it's because she is "brutally honest". The family then challenges her with some questions that could cause awkwardness if answered unfavorably yet honestly. Laura asks Vienna if she thinks she is pretty to which Vienna smartly replies yes. Unfortunately Laura takes it a step further and asks, "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?" to which Vienna is regrettably brutally honest and says "Kind of." Awkwaaaaaaaard! Laura then comments, "You really are different from 10ley". Vienna smirks and replies, "Yeah, I'm not a robot." I'm guessing that whole exchange is a giant clue for the fam as to why it takes a little longer to warm up to Vienna.

Voice of reason Sallie has heard enough and decides it's time to give Jake a motherly talking-to. She pulls him aside and tells him her concerns over Vienna's brutal honesty and points out that it could cause conflict in the future with the "sister-in-laws" (insert eye roll here). Jake gets defensive and then tells the camera he feels like he is trying to talk people into Vienna. Maybe it feels like that because that's what is actually happening...just a thought.

Jake's brothers confront him as well and tell him that the whole "brutal honesty" line really seems more like an "immature defense mechanism." Meanwhile the sisters-in-law sit down with Vienna to continue the questioning. Vienna shares that Jake appreciates the fact that she is not a "yes-girl" like some people (i.e. 10ley) and that they challenge each other in their relationship. Also she can't imagine her life without Jake and she is 100% positive that he is picking her. If nothing else she sure is confident. Somehow the sisters-in-law are won over and tell Jake that they rushed to judgment on Vienna. Laura even starts crying (pulling a Jake's dad) and feels ashamed that she judged her so quickly. It's possible the 5-7-9 sundress had something to do with the judging.

Sallie and Vienna finally have a chat alone together - Sallie confronts Vienna once again about her issues with the other women in the house. I don't know what Vienna said or what was different about her answers this time but somehow Vienna was able to win the lone voice of reason in the house over and so by the time she leaves the free vacation home everyone feels guilty for judging her based on her lack of tact and bad roots that desperately need to be colored.

Vienna and Jake Have a Date Not Suitable for Public Television
Next up it's final date time for each of the ladies. Vienna is first and Jake takes her to some outdoor natural spa/hot springs mud place that's actually sulphur springs. Vienna isn't too excited about this idea especially considering that according to her it smells like "rot eggs". I have to side with Vienna on this one because I have some personal life experience with sulphur. No -- I've never rolled around with a guy in a sulphur springs mud pit before. My freshman year of college I had to take a field trip with my Geology class to the town of Sulphur, Oklahoma which as you might guess reeks of sulphur. I have no idea how people live in this town that definitely smells like rotten eggs (or rot eggs as Vienna would say). I didn't even want to get off the bus. Oh memories...

Sorry for the sidetrack - back to the show -- So once Vienna saw the mud and understood they would be wrestling in it she seemed to forget about the rot eggs smell. The next few minutes were very awkward and uncomfortable for the viewers. There was even one point that Vienna's rear end was blurred out by the camera. Julie at the watching party said it best, "I feel like I'm watching something I shouldn't be."

After the mud pit Jake went over to Vienna's "place" (her free vacation home) for cheese & crackers and wine. As they talked a very annoying bird squawked in the background. Jake then said, "Can I ask you a question? (dramatic pause) What was it like being married for 3 weeks?" The watching party erupted into laughter at the question. Vienna answered that it was horrible and she hated it and it was a mistake made when they were stupid kids. You know...5 years ago.

Vienna then takes Jake to the bedroom where she presents him with her gift. She gives him a homemade box with her "I won't elope again" ring that her dad gave her and a note explaining why she wants him to have it. He doesn't know how to respond so he kisses her. Making out ensues and then Jake says, "I can't believe this is our last date." To which Vienna panics and responds, "This is our last date?!" Jake backpedals again and clarifies - "I mean on this journey". Could this be foreshadowing? Cue the dramatic music and Vienna telling us how scared she is.

10ley Tries to Bring the Heat
Jake tells us it's tough being in love with two people but he's just going to try to focus on 10ley today. Yes we really feel sorry for you Jake. He runs to greet 10ley and the watch party notices how genuinely excited he seems to see her. They walk together to a big boat and then 10ley asks in her best princess voice, "Are we going on this boat!?" Jake says yes "he" chartered the boat and they're going to a few islands and snorkeling. There's a few obligatory underwater camera shots of the happy couple snorkeling and then they find the Titanic.

Once on board the boat again 10ley senses something is off; Jake says he's just tired at first but then starts down a road that does not end well. He tells her that on the first night they met when she read the "10 things about 10ley" to him she captivated him deeper emotionally than he ever had been before. Seriously Jake? Through a top 10 list? He continues saying he feels their emotional chemistry is greater than the physical chemistry. 10ley is visibly shaken and tells him, "I think we have heat but are you not thinking that?" Jake feels immediate guilt for hurting the feelings of a Disney princess and tells her he does think that but that "it's building slowly". 10ley thinks that's the way it's supposed to be. It's at this point I think that all of America knows who Jake is choosing.

After the boat ride Jake heads over to 10ley's "place" (her free vacation home) where 10ley has lit about 52 candles so that Jake will hopefully feel the heat. She immediately asks him for more clarification on what he brought up on the boat to which he apologizes for hurting her feelings and gives her some lines about how he likes her smile and personality. Yep, this chick is going home. 10ley still believes she's in the running and so she presents her gift to him which is a shadowbox she made full of pictures and memories. Julie at the watching party wonders aloud if Jake & Vienna will hang the shadowbox of memories in their home together.

Deliberation Without Chris Harrison
Jake gets out of his canopy bed wearing some karate pants and no shirt (of course). He looks out over the water and considers his choice today between the two ladies left. We see 10ley open the doors to her balcony and sing to the animals while we see Vienna in her bikini making a heart in the sand.

Neil Lane - yes, the actual Neil Lane himself - arrives at Jake's free vacation home to let him pick out a ring. Jake says he doesn't know which ring he wants yet because these two girls he's flip flopping back and forth on want different cuts. Neil understands that this is a difficult choice so he let's Jake take both a princess cut (for Vienna) and a round cut (for 10ley) and advises Jake to "Let the ring speak to you". Whaaaat?? What kind of advice is that? Where the heck is Chris Harrison?

Jake does some more soul searching by the pool in his rolled up karate pants and then finally decides which girl "has a little more of his heart" than the other one. So romantic. He is distraught over the thought of breaking someone's heart but knows it must be done because he checked his contract and polygamy is not an option.

The Final Rose Ceremony
The ladies board separate helicopters to fly to wherever Jake is with the final rose. No limo this year - I'm guessing it's because we've seen much less of helicopters this season and they had to meet their quota. The first helicopter lands in an open field where a very wind-blown Chris Harrison is waiting. He opens the door to the helicopter and out steps....10ley. Pretty much to no one's surprise at this point but still disappointing to know what she is about to endure. She's wearing a beautiful gold strapless dress so at least she'll look good while getting her heart broken, right?

She walks up to Jake who is wearing an unfortunate paisley tie and tells us that she's ready for him to get down on one knee when she sees him. The tension is think and Ashley at the watching party is in distress for this poor girl. So much so that she has to run out of the room knocking everything in her path out of her way on her mad dash out. Jake gives 10ley a fake smile and tells her again that he loves her "smile and positivity". He thinks she's just perfect but there's something missing and he just doesn't know what it is. 10ley cries. Jake cries. I think Ashley cries from upstairs. Somewhere Jake's dad cries.

10ley responds with grace and composure as I'm sure any Disney princess would if their fairy tale ended with prince choosing the evil step-sister instead of the princess. She thanks Jake for showing her how to to love again and letting her know what she could have. Oh girl you could have so much more than this kid! He wipes her tears and the watching party gets defensive of our girl 10ley and yells at him not to touch her. They walk down the stairs and 10ley says through tears that she's not ready to say good-bye. Then Jake stops....is he going to change his mind!?! He pauses....and then says...."God, I'm never going to forget you." The watching party participants groan and throw things at the TV in disgust. 10ley enters the rejection SUV still heartbroken...I'm guessing the lyrical dance of her heart is going to be more on the dark side now rather than set to wedding music.

Jake turns around on the railing and pulls a "Mesnick" -- sobbing over the heartache he just caused. After he composes himself it's time for his lady Vienna to arrive. She steps out of the helicopter in a turquoise blue one shoulder dress which is possibly her best rose ceremony dress to date. Ashley has rejoined the watching party and announces that Vienna is wearing way too much bronzer. As Vienna walks across the bridge and up the stairs to Jake she tells us that she's going to be completely lost without him if he doesn't pick her. Amy P. appropriately reminds her that, "You got Vinnie!" Vienna tells us "When I found him, I found myself." I feel the girl scout cookies I've been snacking on throughout the show start making their way back up.

When she makes it to Jake she tells him again how much she loves him and how she can't imagine her life without him. She finally stops talking and Jake says he needs to give her the "I promise I won't elope again" ring back because it means so much to Vinnie and her. Vienna looks distraught as she believes this means she's out. Then Jake says, "There's something I want to say that I don't want you to ever forget," he flashes a mega-watt smile and continues with, "I love you!" Vienna is relieved and thrilled. Jake drops to one knee and says, "Vienna I don't know your last name but will you marry me?" Or something like that....

Then we get to see a memory montage clip of their relationship which means we get to look back on all of Vienna's outfit choices. Sequins...one shoulder shirt....80's outfit...Daisy Duke shorts....80's neon outfit...teal bikini...prom dress...rhinestones...bows....etc. Jake presents Vienna with the final rose which she accepts of course and then they make out. It's here that CC at the watching party appropriately came up with the title of this post and what I think the whole season should be renamed....It's the end of The Bachelor Season 14: "On the Wings of Lust".

Be sure to check out these other blogs - Pop Watch, Chris Harrison, and I Hate Green Beans. I'll provide some brief thoughts and notes from the "After the Final Rose Special" later today although I can tell you right now the only highlights were the live concert of On the Wings of Love and seeing Ali get a one-up on Vienna.

Grammar 101

Before we get to the finale recap I have to clear something up that extremely frustrated me throughout the entire family visit portion of show last night. I'm sure that the Pavelka family reads this blog so to those family members reading today, please note that the plural form of sister-in-law is SISTERS-IN-LAW, not sister-in-laws. I understand you may have missed this lesson since there is not a Schoolhouse Rock song explaining the rule but trust me (and dictionary.com) that this is the correct use of grammar.

Recap coming at some point today...maybe later than usual (sorry!)

Riddle Me This...

What do you get when you combine footage of Bachelor franchise alumni making out, multiple awkward hot seats, excessive memory clip montages, and a 15-minute attempt to clear up the scandal of scandals??
Answer: A very anticlimactic Women Tell All episode that leaves you with the facial expression shown by Jake above. This year it should have more accurately been renamed "Women Tell Things You Already Know."

As far as I'm concerned the best thing about the Women Tell All (WTA) episodes in general is that Chris Harrison is center stage. This was especially true this year since that meant Jake was only on for a few minutes at the end. It's taken me all season to wholly decide this but I have unequivocally reached the conclusion that Jake is one of my least favorite bachelors. The cheese factor is over-the-top and what he wants to appear as (the good guy) is not really who he is (the guy who uses something other than his brain to make decisions).

Let the Clip Montages Begin
So we start with Our Host Chris Harrison stepping out on stage with a "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" logo on the screen behind him. Below the logo is an image of a motorcycle in the sunset...they're clearly not ready to give up on this Top Gun theme. Chris reminds us (just in case we forgot) of the biggest scandal ever in bachelor history and maybe even the biggest in reality TV history and actually likely the biggest scandal ever in the history of the world - Roz "cheating" on Jake with an unnamed producer.

Chris tells us that he got to sit down with Jake and talk about all the crazy events of this season. But first, we get to relive the scandal with a memory clip montage of how it all went down. Chris confronts Roz and then Jake & Chris tell the ladies Roz is out and then the ladies all start crying (still not sure why). After the flashback Jake tells Chris his first thought after the scandal was that "going on a reality TV show to find love was a mistake." I'm thinking he changed his mind on that stance after making out with multiple women.

Chris asks Jake about the "ultimate game player" Megan Fox, I mean Elizabeth the Nanny and Jake tells us, "I've had games ruin more relationships than I can count". Yet you went on a reality TV show with essentially the same framework as any other competitive reality TV show except for instead of winning challenges the "ladies" competing win roses. Yea...no games here.

We get more flashbacks of the infamous bungee jump with Vienna and the fortune cookie dinner with 10ley and of course the wailing over Ali's departure. Chris asks Jake what it's going to be like to see Ali again and Jake says it will be difficult...the stage is set for the dramatic reunion!

Bonded by The Bachelor
Once we're back to the WTA stage Chris tells us that nearly 500 men and women have been a part of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Yes - nearly FIVE HUNDRED....we had to rewind at the watching party to make sure we heard that correctly. As Amy P. then said, "That's nearly 500 lives ruined." In an attempt to plug the Bachelor spinoff show (who knew a spinoff of this thing was even possible?), we get to see mini reunions of these former members of the franchise.

The first clips are of one group of Bachelor alumni in Vegas and another group on a cruise - in both locations they're essentially all just making out with each other and talking about how good-looking they all are. I was reminded of Zoolander. Deziray is there from The Prince's season - I didn't watch that season but hearing her speak about judging people while wearing a tiara made me sad that I missed it. I can only imagine the one-liners that this girl provided. Bear-lover Natalie was there and I was so happy they played that clip again of her telling Jason something else important that he should know about her is she loves bears. Classic. Then of course "America's Favorite Villain" Wes was there and said something about how his dating life was great before but now he gets "like 1,000 more nibbles." Classy nibbles I'm sure. Kiptyn and his abs are there and watching party member Emily reminds us that she saw him! He was with a "leggy blonde" when she had the star spot so it's possible it was with Natalie or some other former member of the franchise.

Then we see another group of prestigious alumni members who are taking part in the "Bachelor Gives Back" charity event- clearly a total rip off of American Idol Gives Back but whatever. Amy P. had my favorite line of the night when she said, "What are they giving to people - std's?" We see kids getting off a bus and it's clear these kids had a major let down moment when they learned the "celebrities" they would get to meet were former contestants on the Bachelor. The highlight of the segment was seeing breakdancer Michael again - oh and also when Juan told us that "giving back to the community is definitely man code." Where is angry David by the way? And Ed and Jillian? And Reid!?!? I think there were some oversights in the choosing of alumni. Deanna was there and was trying to recruit some poor child to be on The Bachelor season 42 but he was not convinced although ABC did make him give her a rose at the end of the segment.

Let's Finally Hear All!
Back again on the stage of the WTA - we're now 45 minutes into this show that is supposed to be the "ladies" chance to tell all yet we've only seen them in memory clip montages so far. Finally however, Chris tells us it's time to "welcome the ladies" and he goes through the cast of characters there. From memory I think it was Kathryn, Valishia, Ashleigh H., Corrie, Jessie, Christina, Channy (!), Gia, Ali, Ella, and Crazy Michelle. I'm sure I missed some of the women who were there but that probably means they didn't speak. I'm super glad Valishia is there because I still want to get to the bottom of this unmarried homemaker job she's got going on.

Ashleigh H. clears up what's been causing all of us to lose sleep - her fall into Jake's arms out of the limo was rehearsed. Jessie says something about how she was nervous and Emily at the watch party says that's the first time we've heard her speak. Then we get to see some never before seen clips from the fun that the ladies had in the house. This was definitely one of the best clips of the night because we got to hear some of the ladies well-said thoughts on 10ley. Jessie thinks she "fell out of a Disney movie" (totally agree girl!), Vienna thinks she "dreams in cartoons", and Gia with the line of the night says she thinks "10ley probably s*&$@ rainbows." Classic.

Chris asks why everyone had beef with Vienna and Ella says she is young and immature. Gia sticks up for Vienna and says she's a good person. I'm distracted by the wedding ring that Chris Harrison is wearing - is that bling? Then Chris asks Elizabeth about her kiss me-kiss me not game and Farrell notices that Elizabeth kind of looks like Miley Cyrus now. I can sort of see it...

Elizabeth says watching it back she thought it looked "stupid" and Chris tells her "Yeah, you're never as cool as you think you are." Buuurrrrn! Then we finally get to the "10,000 pound elephant in the room" - the Roz scandal. Gia says "as her roommate something definitely went on because there was a night she was not in the room". Jessie decides to really live up to the title of this show and tells us all. She says she walked in from the pool one day and turned the corner to see the unnamed producer and Roz making out on the stairs. Now we all know why Jessie was kept around as long as she was even though we saw no more than one conversation between Jake and her. Ella reminds us that she's the Southern belle and says, "We were all fixin' to go to bed one night..." and then continues with some story that I still don't understand about how Roz wanted the unnamed producer to tuck her in. She lost me at fixin' to. Chris says Roz is here but we all know that means she won't make an appearance until the end of the show.

Hot Seat Rounds
Chris calls Gia up to talk with him and a pink walking disco ball then gets up and makes her way to the dreaded hot seat. We see the montage clip and Emily at the watching party gives Gia a "Bless her heart" because it's clear that Gia really fell for this guy for some reason. Gia tells Chris that, "Being on the Bachelor was the best experience of my life." I tell Gia she needs to reevaluate her life.

Next contestant on the hot seat of shame is Crazy Michelle. We see the clip montage of all her crazy moments and then surprisingly Michelle answers Chris' questions in a way that I do not think is crazy. In fact she is even credited with saying the most truthful statement of the night when she tells Chris, "Coming on this show is not the true way to find love." Ali (the likely future bachelorette) defends the show and is offended that Crazy Michelle is basically saying you can't fall in love on the show because she did. And then she left it for work - remember that America, don't you feel sorry for Ali - don't you want her to be the next Bachelorette? She thought so...

Speaking of the next Bachelorette, Ali takes the hot seat next and has chosen to wear a brown dress instead of her signature yellow. During the clip montage we see the time during her hometown date when she told Jake, "If you ask me to marry you today I would say yes." To which Emily at the watching party responded, "But if you ask me tomorrow I'm gonna say I have to go to work." Chris asks Ali about any regrets she may have and she tells us that she thought Jake would come after her because you know he's a pilot and he rides a motorcycle and that's what happened in Top Gun and isn't that what ABC was going for? But she took the risk because she once read a hallmark card that said "Life is measured by the risks we take," and she really believes that. It's deep. Also she wants America to know that she is very sorry that she came across as a B when speaking to Vienna - she publicly apologizes to Vienna and encourages her to stay strong even though she's getting trashed in the tabloids. I was expecting her to then say LYLAS but Chris Harrison cut her off to say she had many fans and that was all she came here to do so she finished talking.

Scandal of Scandals
Time for the 10,000 pound elephant to enter. We see Roz being escorted by a burly man backstage. She waits behind the curtain and says aloud "I should have peed first." Has she not learned there are cameras everywhere yet? Chris welcomes her out and assures her he has "no ill will toward her" but just wants to find out "what is true in her mind". He asks her to go through the process of how she met this unnamed producer and the type of contact they had, just so we're clear "in her mind". Roz says the camera crew came to her house to do the interviews with her and she became friends with the unnamed producer but nothing more than friends. The girls start piping in with their evidence and Roz gives them the stink eye.

Jessie swears on her dog's life (because that's the most important thing in her life) that the staircase story is true. Roz ups the ante and swears on her son's life that it's not true. The audience gasps. Ella the Southern mom chimes in and tries to tell that story about bedtime again that doesn't make sense - this time she uses "fixin' to" again but also says, "we were all like what the haail?!" Way to walk right into a stereotype Ella. Valishia the homemaker with no income source (how does she do that!?!) says she was friends with Roz but as the evidence is mounting and also because one time she couldn't find her in the mansion she now believes the general public instead of Roz.

The whole time that the accusations and evidence are flying Roz is saying "Absolutely not" over and over and is giving her best shocked face...
After Chris compares her to his son who makes up stories about "unicorns and magicians" and calls it the truth she moves into major defense mechanism mode and says, "Riddle me this Chris, there were cameras all over the mansion how is it that there is no tape of the biggest scandal in the world?" Chris says they don't tape 24/7 and the unnamed producer would know which rooms were safe for scandalous activity. Roz says it's all lies and then goes after Chris personally saying that the unnamed producer said Chris was hitting on his wife in New Zealand. Wait a minute - the unnamed producer is married?? Way to many twists in this scandal. Chris says he's not acknowledging that comment with a response but he did give a response today on his blog if you're interested in reading more about the scandal of scandals.

Jake Tells us Too Much About his Heart
After Roz it's Jake's turn in the hot seat. Chris tells us, "Back by popular demand please welcome Jake!" Really Chris? Popular demand? I highly doubt that - in fact I believe there were way more popular options for this position (i.e. Kiptyn, Reid) that must have turned it down leaving you with Jake. Chris asks Jake what this journey has been like and he says something like, "You make some friends...you fall in love with a couple of girls...yada yada yada...it's awesome." Then he has a chance to give closure to several of the ladies. He starts with Gia and tells her, "When you were sitting on that bench, my heart was crying." My heart was crying!?! There was a collective eye roll at the watching party at likely around the world...I had to focus on keeping my dinner down.

Next he tells Ali, "When that limo pulled away I really wanted you to jump out." So basically he wanted her to risk physical injury and she wanted him to fly across the country to pursue her. No drama here. Chris asks Jake if that was the hardest part and he says there are more hard parts that haven't aired yet but "that hit about a 10". He steals a line from James Taylor and tells Ali, "You've always got a friend." Julie at the watching party thinks he means a friend with benefits.

Kathryn confronts Jake and says she didn't think she got a chance to which he says "there was something in my heart saying little things were not going to work between us." At this point I am very tired of hearing about Jake's heart. Unfortunately we're not done because next he tells Christina that when he watched the episodes back on TV he saw a side of her that he didn't get to see and it "broke his heart" that he missed out on seeing her funny side.

Finally we're done hearing about Jake's heart (this week) and it's time for the blooper reel! This season had some good ones for sure - Chris singing "On the Wings of Love" to Jake and using the flight attendant two-finger point, Jake asking Chris how he gets his teeth so white, and 10ley jumping out of the wardrobe trunk to scare Gia were the highlights I remember.

Chris asks Jake if he's happy with his choice to which Jake replies "Yes." Then Chris sets up clip montages of the history of both Vienna and 10ley by saying "Jake will hopefully choose one of these women." Hopefully, huh? Any chance Jake is pulling a Brad Wommack and leaving both women at the rose stand? Scenes for the finale show a lot of wailing over a railing...
Chris Harrison calls it one of the most emotional finales ever...I'm thinking I better skip dinner prior to the show, I'm not sure I'll be able to stomach the wailing.

I'm giving major props to watching party participant Amy P. who made this profound observation: Jake tells Chris the reason he's kept Vienna around despite many women telling him she has red flags all over her is because he decided he can't worry about what other people think. However, as Amy pointed out, Jake was the #1 informant to Jillian regarding the sketchiness of Wes so it's interesting that he is now paying no attention to what these women are saying even though they are doing exactly what he did with Jillian. Oh the irony!!

Be sure to check out the Pop Watch recap and I Hate Green Beans! See you next week for the most dramatic, emotional finale ever. Of course followed the next week by the most cheesy and over-the-top wedding since Trista & Ryan's nuptials.

The Story of "Two Ladies and a Tramp"

The title of this post is courtesy of Farrell at the watching party...I'm sure you can figure out which lady we consider to be the tramp.

So here we are in St. Lucia - yep, we're all here...except apparently for Chris Harrison because again we begin the show with Jake walking around his hotel room telling us he never expected this journey to be so powerful. As he talks about why he loves each woman we are treated to a memory clip montage of the "journey" he's been on with each of the lucky ladies. It's here I remember that since we're down to 3 contestants, the clips of previous footage will increase significantly. Great.

Gia has the first clip montage and Jake tells us that when he first saw Gia he thought "what a beautiful girl." Carrie at the watching party shares that when she first saw Gia she thought, "what is wrong with her face?" When she wears red lipstick references to the joker have been made...that's all I'm saying. 10ley's montage is next and Amy P. & Carrie take this time to ponder what life as a couple would be like for Jake and 10ley. They conclude a typical conversation would be: 'I love you...no, I love you more......dance off time!' Vienna had a clip montage too but all I remember is that I didn't like the dress she wore out of the limo - major foreshadowing for the number she picked for the rose ceremony.

Then we see Ali in what appears to be a hotel room but we are told that it's actually her room. Oh look on her nightstand she has several 8x10 photos of Jake holding roses that she clearly had printed from the ABC website...because that's normal. She tells us she is distraught over her choice of work over love and ironically she can't even work because all she thinks about is love. I'm guessing she also can't work because she's in an undisclosed hotel room instead of her home in San Francisco.

Jake picks up some rocks out of the ocean and then throws them back into the ocean as he ponders this difficult decision. I notice a hammock in the background tied up over the water and immediately know that we'll see this hammock again.

Gia Learns the Hard Way That Jake Has No Rhythm
We see Gia making her way down a rocky path while wearing flip flops and jorts. Jake is of course strategically placed - looking over the ocean with his back toward her. She takes this opportunity to sneak up on him and wraps her arms around him. Jake turns around, relieved that it's Gia and not the cameraman. Then he asks her if she likes boats -- strike one buddy! Don't you remember Gia's boat tour of NYC for you? Clearly not. Gia tells him again that she likes boats and away they go on a boat to some other part of the island.

Jake tells us he's excited that it's, "Just Gia and I and a boat and some great people on this island." Of course he tells us this while wearing an extremely unfortunate shell choker necklace. I would love to meet the ABC stylist who told him this was a good idea. Once on the island the happy couple buy some fruit and random chotchkies. Then they listen to some street performers play music and Gia decides to start dancing. Jake feels like the choker necklace plan to fit in with the locals isn't working so he tries to get in on the dancing too and I apologize but what happened next is impossible for me to describe with words. There was bending of the knees and some sort of hip jarring and bouncing movement involved. Carrie at the watching party had the best reenactment so you should ask her to show you next time you see her. It's a good thing 10ley didn't see this attempt at dancing because I'm pretty sure her lyrical dancing heart would have been broken.

After I recovered from the fit of laughing, Jake and Gia had wisely moved on from dancing and were at another vendor to buy another chotchkie. This time it was an ugly heart necklace that Jake bought for Gia; Gia is flattered that he "gave her his heart" but knows that ugly thing is not going around her neck so she tells him she'll wear it on her wrist for the rest of her life. I see great potential for a future dramatic "ripping off of the necklace turned bracelet" in the rejection limo...

Jake tells us he's ready to make a leap of faith in this relationship as we see Jake and Gia making a leap of faith off the dock into the water. Classic. Then they make out in the water and make things awkward for the viewing audience.

Time for dinner on the island and as Gia walks down a trillion stairs Jake waves up at her so that she knows where he is. When they greet each other she shows off the ugly heart necklace turned bracelet and affirms again that she will never take it off. Over dinner Jake tells Gia he wants to take care of her and Gia's response is something like "Whoa - when did you go and get all deep? I didn't know you had this side to you."

After dinner you know what's next - hammock time!! They're rocking in the hammock when Gia steals a line from Debbie Gibson and tells Jake she gets lost in his eyes. Jake then decides this is the perfect time to break out the "forego your individual room" card and hands it to Gia. She reads it aloud and they race up to the fantasy suite. Then we see the obligatory trail of clothes leading into the bathroom and are forced to watch Jake - STILL WEARING THE SHELL CHOKER NECKLACE - and Gia make out in a bubble bath. Aimee at the watching party appropriately hopes that Gia will rip the necklace off in an act of passion. The camera fades to black and thankfully this date is over.

10ley Learns that Jake Can Lead at Dances That Involve Four Steps
10ley gets out of a SUV in the middle of a field where Jake is surrounded by helicopters. She is super excited to see him and is also wearing some super short jorts. Jake tells her they're going on a helicopter ride so that he can show her his passion since he was forced - I mean privileged to see her passion last week through the lyrical dance of her heart (also known as the most painfully awkward moment ever). Amazingly 10ley acts surprised that they are going on a helicopter ride...I'm not sure how the numerous helicopters in the field didn't give that away for her but whatever.

As they ride over St. Lucia Jake makes up stuff about the island to impress her with his knowledge. They land in a rain forest and have a picnic on some dirt. 10ley asks Jake how he will pursue her once this fantasy world is over and he responds with this gem, "Say it's Saturday night and we're at dinner and we decide let's go to the Caymans tomorrow - we can do that - I can make that happen." So basically he's saying the fantasy exotic location dates are his real life...uh huh.

They decide to go exploring after the picnic and find a black sand beach. Of course since where there's a beach there's water, they decide to go swimming and make out in the ocean. Farrell at the watch party asks, "Is this what they meant by exploring?"

Time for dinner on the island! Jake tells 10ley she looks gorgeous and she says she feels so special. Yes 10ley you're special...kind of like a 1 in 3 special. 10ley tells Jake she's falling for him and he has no words to respond so he of course answers with a kiss. After dinner Jake asks 10ley to dance which you know she LOVED. She starts making all sorts of dancing analogies, "You can lead me in dancing...I want you to lead me in life...you can dip me forever." The dip me forever received quite the laugh from the married ladies at the watching party - I'm not sure what that means...

After the dance party Jake hands 10ley the forego card and any hesitations she had melted away while they were dancing so she accepts. But not before reminding us 437 times that she normally doesn't do this. They head to the fantasy suite and look around for a few minutes but then waste no time jumping in their private pool. As the passionate music is cued they begin to makeout again and again the viewing audience is forced to watch the awkwardness until the camera fades out.

Vienna Learns the Hard Way That Jake Finds Eye Patches Puzzling
Eye rolling and grumbling lets out at the watching party which can only mean one thing - time for Vienna to make her appearance! Vienna is wearing a turquoise bathing suit and non-matching magenta cover up - off the shoulder of course, totally 80s style. For having only lived through 3 years of the 80s she sure does love the style. Jake tells her they get to play on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ship for their date and unfortunately for us we learn that Jake's idea of playing is making out.

The two waste no time as they sit on the boat - Vienna actually tries to lick his nose when going in for a kiss and then after he kisses her he licks the side of her mouth. I had to avert my eyes to make sure my dinner stayed down. When I looked back they were still making out on the boat. Then Vienna decides to make Jake wear an eye patch - pirate style. As she puts it over his left eye he squints and closes his right eye. Yes - he now has both eyes closed...and doesn't understand that that's not what you're supposed to do. Vienna tells him to close his other eye and then he laughs and opens his right eye... and then I laughed at him for the rest of the show. I also felt it necessary to write an open letter to Jake just to cover this issue in case he ever encounters a situation where it's necessary to wear an eye patch again.

An Open Letter to Jake Pavelka:

Dear Jake,

I googled "Eye Patch" today and this image of a child wearing an eye patch came up in the results: I just thought you would appreciate knowing that this small child understood that the eye not covered by the patch should remain open. I'll cut you some slack though - maybe his parents had to help him as Vienna had to help you. In the future if you are faced with the tricky task of wearing an eye patch I hope that you'll be able to visualize this cute small child and remember to keep the uncovered eye open so that you can see.

All the best,
Rebecca

P.S. Seriously why are you keeping Vienna around?

After the eye patch incident Jake decides he wants that adrenaline feeling of bungee jumping again so he suggests they climb to the top of the boat - you know because he's afraid of heights. They make it to the top and Jake kisses her while holding a death grip on the pole. As if we haven't had enough of watching them "play" once back on the bottom of the boat he tells Vienna she has to walk the plank. As she walks toward the plank he slaps her rear with a plastic sword knife. Classy Jake...I'm pretty sure 13 year-old boys still try that move too. Then he pushes her off the plank and jumps in after her.

As Jake waits for Vienna at dinner he tells us that he needs to use this time to make sure that there is substance there and that he's attracted to her heart, not just her.... He asks her if she's ready for marriage and she says yes so of course it must be true. Once Jake has that all cleared up he asks her what kind of ring she would like. A little forward! Especially since we didn't see him ask any of the other ladies this question. In an effort to keep her guessing though he then says something about how he is falling for all 3 women left. Vienna then throws all her cards on the table with with the parrot tablecloth (really ABC?) and confesses her love for him along with some tears so that he knows she's for real. Jake responds with the usual kiss instead of words and tells us, "Vienna has made my heart glow."...well crap, there goes my dinner.

Jake hands Vienna the forego card and they race to the room almost before she even finishes reading it. Once in the room Vienna tells Jake that she has a surprise for him and then goes into the other room. The watching party is certain that she'll re-enter wearing lingerie so when she does come back into the room in a tiny white gown it's a little anticlimactic. We see the couple head to the bedroom and then Vienna closes the doors as the camera fades to the moonlight.

Twist!...or Not.
Jake is putting some Oil of Olay product on his face when the phone rings in his hotel room. He answers the phone with his best "bewildered- who could this be?" face and then to no one's surprise we hear Ali's voice on the other end. We see the shot of her in her hotel room - I mean home - and Amy P. notices that she looks a little on the constipated side as she tells Jake that she made a mistake and wants to come back.

Jake tells her he's trying to "process this in his head" and gives a worried look as he holds the phone away from his face - maybe because he needs to let the Oil of Olay dry? We shoot back to Ali who makes those terrible moaning sounds we heard too much of last week. She says she can't focus on work...yada, yada, yada...he says he was forced to move on when she left...yada, yada, yada...she says this is the biggest regret of her life...yada, yada, yada...he finally says "Thanks Ali but I can't let you come back, I've moved on with the other women." Ali moans again and then says, "I will forever regret this decision," to which the watching party responded, "No you will not!". After they hang up we see the disheveled Ali sobbing and telling us through tears how sad she is. Cheer up girl - you get to meet Ellen tomorrow - that is way more exciting than dating Jake!!

To Button or Not to Button?
With the phone call of drama behind him Jake is ready to make the most important decision yet...to button or unbutton the top button on his shirt? He tries both looks and goes for the unbutton and then confidently walks into the deliberation room with our host Chris Harrison. Chris says, "On top of everything else you had going on this week you also had to deal with Ali calling (because we made her) - what was that like?" Jake responds with something about how he needs Chris' opinion on this top button dilemma and Chris rolls his eyes and cues the memory montage clips.

We see Jake thinking about his dates with all the women and I decide that ABC is forgiven of any offenses in my book because they used Jake's horrible dancing with Gia and his misunderstanding of how an eye patch works with Vienna as memory clips. After the deliberation and memory clip montages Chris Harrison says (with a straight face), "The ladies have each prepared a private video message for you from the heart."

In 10ley's video she tells him that she is glad to know she can fall in love again and then drops the baby card on him and says she's ready to have his kids. As her video is playing we see her exiting the arrival limo and I am liking the look she picked for the St. Lucia Rose Ceremony - a short black dress with a yellow flower in her hair.

The watching party decided that Gia is either drunk or really has to go to the bathroom in her video because she delivers her message while sort of curled up in a ball. As we see Gia exiting the arrival limo in a short blue sparkly number CC says, "Forever 21 called - they want their dress back!" Harsh, but true...

Vienna opens her video message with an energetic, "Hey Sweetheart!!" I have no idea what the rest of her video message said because the watching party went into a fit when she stepped out of the arrival limo. I think the consensus was that her dress looked like a cross between a tacky bridesmaid and high school prom dress. Although my sister texted with the ever appropriate, "Hey Vienna, the 80's called and they want their magenta dress with the rhinestone bow back". I think you get the idea...

Rose Ceremony
Jake walks out to the rose podium and tells the ladies, "I'd be the luckiest guy in the world to marry any one of you three." Whaaaat? Is that a compliment? Do you think these women really want to be one of three that would be acceptable to you Jake? I'm thinking Chris Harrison needs to work with our friend Jake on his compliments. After much pause for dramatic effect Jake hands the roses to....10ley....and then....more dramatic pause...Vienna. Gia takes a moment and says her good-byes per Chris Harrison's instruction and then walks out to the rejection bench with Jake.

Jake gives her some lines about how great she is and how she shouldn't settle and I'm watching with much anticipation - this is what I've been waiting for, surely she's going to rip that ugly heart necklace turned bracelet off her wrist and throw it into the ocean for dramatic effect! Alas Gia does not and actually holds it together really well - she delivers a classy rejection acceptance speech about how she wants Jake to be happy. Once in the rejection limo she does let a few more tears flow but sadly my hopes for a symbolic shedding of the ugly heart are not realized.

Jake toasts the final 2 and tells them they're heading to the southern part of the island for the final date. Scenes for next week reveal it's Women Tell All time! Look - there's crazy Michelle! Oooh - and Roz is here too! Channy - are you there? I don't see you but I hope you do make an appearance! It should be a fun time to get the gals back together. Then in just 2 weeks it's time for the most dramatic final rose ceremony ever complete with Jake crying over a railing again....of course.

Be sure to read all the other blogs for endless entertainment - Chris Harrison's, Pop Watch, I Hate Green Beans, and our fearless leader (unless heights are involved) Jake's.

On the Wings of...Haven't We Seen This Before?

We open this week again without our beloved Chris Harrison - I'm not liking this new pattern. Instead we see Jake packing for his hometown date tour across America. He tells us it's crazy that he has narrowed the field down to 4 from the original 25 women. This seems like something he might have would understand would happen going into the process that is The Bachelor, but I'm not here to judge. With all of his v-neck sweaters packed he's ready to meet the parents!

Gia in NYC
First up is Gia in NYC, who in my opinion had the upper hand going into the hometown dates because who doesn't love New York? Jake and Gia run to greet each other (of course) and then she jumps on and straddles him (of course). He holds her like a baby as she tells him that the best way to see the city in her opinion is by boat. They board the boat and Jake is disappointed to learn that T-Pain is nowhere to be found so they can't participate in a rap parody. Since he's not there they decide to point out obvious landmarks to each other instead. Then conveniently a camera appears and Gia shows off her talent as a model. Jake shows off his ability to appear as a tourist through posing as the Statue of Liberty. Jake tells us he loves that Gia is smiling which seems like an obvious thing to do in a picture but again - not here to judge. Although I will say it's very hard for me not to judge the choker necklace Jake has chosen to wear for the confessional interviews.

Gia then tells Jake about her terrible previous relationships and asks him how he will handle conflict. Jake steals a line from Elton John and says he doesn't let the sun go down on a problem. Not gonna lie - kind of wish he sang that line instead of just saying it. Gia accepts this answer because it's better than the ex who would "ignore her". Yep I'd say quoting Elton John is better than no response at all.

After the boat ride Jake and Gia go to an Italian restaurant to meet Gia's Italian New York family. Her half brother Dylan, stepbrother Erick, mom Donna, and step dad Tony Soprano - I mean Tony unknown last name (but maybe Soprano) - were all there with their fabulous accents. Donna cries when she sees "her Gia". They all eat pasta and then Donna says she wants to talk to Jake alone. She asks Jake what he sees in Gia and he says, "Gia has a way about her". Then he says something about her being organic and Donna LOVES it. I'm thinking "a way about her" is a pretty weak and generic compliment but again- not here to judge.

During this time Gia takes stepbrother Erick aside to get his opinion. Erick says Jake seems like a nice guy but tells Gia to watch out. Gia agrees that she will be cautious and then in the next sentence says she doesn't want to watch out anymore. Good talk! Carrie at the watching party says aloud the one word that I'm certain everyone was thinking during this conversation, "eyebrows."

Gia and Donna walk in a zig zag down the sidewalk before sitting on a bench to discuss Jake. Donna tells Gia, "I was watchin' him at dinna and I sawl the love en his eyes for ya." Gia thinks it's a little early to definitively say Jake loves her. Donna then gives her girl some advice, "Reach for da stars but with one foot planted on da ground so you don't fall." I'm thinking about stitching that sound advice on a throw pillow for our home.

Meanwhile at the dinner table eyebrows - I mean Erick - threatens to hunt Jake down and break his legs if he hurts Gia. Tony Soprano looks on. Then Erick tells us that he thinks Jake is a good guy and not one of those guys just looking for an accessory to carry around with him.

After dinner Jake tells Gia approximately 32 times that her family is really sweet. Gia picks a stoop for them to sit on and tells him her favorite thing to do is sit on stoops and watch taxi cabs go by. Jake asks her if she's every kissed on a stoop, she says no to which Carrie at the watch party says "Oh - I don't buy that Gia!" They kiss on the stoop and people who live in the building that the stoop belongs to are trapped inside because the camera guys don't want someone messing up this money shot.

Ali in Williamstown, MA
Ali screams when she sees Jake, then they run to greet each other (of course) and she straddles him (of course). Jake tells us he's ready to "get real close with Ali". They sit on a bench outside even though it looks freezing cold. Jake then brings the lurch kiss back and goes in for one with Ali but she's obviously not expecting him to lurch at her so her instincts kick in and she dodges him slightly, causing his lips to land on her cheek. When will Jake learn to stop the lurch kiss?

They talk about the foliage and then Ali says when she was young she used to catch leaves in the wind and make wishes on them. I'm pretty sure that she made that up as a 5 year-old because everyone knows you wish on stars in the sky or coins thrown in a fountain...who has ever heard of wishing on a leaf? That's just ridiculous. Ever the romantic, Jake overlooks her confusion on wishing objects and walks her over to a tree to shake a branch and make leaves fall.

Then Ali tells Jake she wants to take him to the house of her grandmother who passed away right before she left for The Bachelor. I have to say this sounded very odd and creepy; I do empathize with Ali for the loss of her grandmother but really the whole thing was weird. Obviously there's not much humor in the death of a family member, however thanks to the watching party there were a few memorable comments/moments (sorry if you don't get credit for your line watching party members - I couldn't keep up!):

• Jake tripping up the stairs to the house because, "he saw the ghost of Gram!"
• Ali says her Grandma was always waiting in the window when she got home from school - and (cue spooky music) she still is...
• Carrie can't get Allison Krause's Ghost in this House out of her head.
• And Farrell (the ever-loyal Jillian fan) says, "Remember Jillian's grandma - she was awesome!"

When they leave Jake tells us that going on the house tour was "intense...it made me think about life." I think they cut off the end of that sentence which likely was, "...which I try not to do very often."

It's time to meet Ali's family - the couple enters her house and is greeted by her mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. Again Carrie at the watching party says what we're thinking, "What is it with these guys and eyebrows?" Beth tells Jake over dinner that she hadn't heard of him or watched the previous Bachelorette prior to Ali going on the show. So naturally before he came she did some research on YouTube and thankfully for him the clip that popped up showed him talking about how he is looking for heart, not good looks, in a woman. Beth then speaks to Jake alone and proceeds to ask him the easiest questions ever.

Beth: "So what's your view on family."
Jake: "It's extremely important to me."
Beth: "Okay great, you know Ali has strong feelings for you."
Jake: Nods in agreement, "If Ali makes it to the end of this journey with me can I have your blessing to propose to her?"
Beth: "Well since family is extremely important to you, sure!"

Jake and Ali then walk outside to two strategically placed chairs near a fire. They make out. I am distracted by the large embroidered scarf that Jake has wrapped around his neck. Ali tells Jake she would accept a ring if he gave her one now. Then Jake gives her a look of determination and takes off his gloves...he is not getting a ring out of his pocket now is he? He puts the gloves on the bench...is he?? Is this why there is no rose ceremony - he's just going to end it now?? Everyone at the watching party is holding their breath, certain he's about to do or say something significant when...he grabs her head with both glove-less hands and...continues making out with her. Seriously? In the next shot of them kissing we see the gloves are back on because let's be honest - it's too cold for him to continue being dramatically romantic.

10ley in Newbert, OR
We see 10ley walking around in her enchanted forest telling the birds and animals about the prince that she met through this magical reality dating show called The Bachelor. Jake tells us he is excited to see 10ley again because he likes her "core values and goals in life". They run to greet each other (of course) and then Jake picks up 10ley, ready for her to straddle him as is the custom on this show, but 10ley knows princesses don't straddle so she just remains elevated in his arms about an inch from the ground.

10ley tells Jake that her ex-husband wasn't a team player in their marriage so she wants to know how feels about being on a team. Jake says in a marriage you have to be a "We-Unit". To which CC at the watching party responded with , "G-Unit!" I do think it's likely Jake was trying to say that once married they'll be forming a rap group called the We-Unit. 10ley's cool with that as long as she can dance in the music video. Speaking of dancing...

After the enchanted forest they walk into the dance studio that 10ley grew up in. She tells him she wants to dance for him because dancing is "a little bit of her insides." (whaaat?) She changes into a contemporary dance outfit and then tells Jake she has choreographed a dance specifically for him - it's the "dance that's in my heart." She tells him to push play and then sit on the stool for the awkward presentation of dancing. He pushes play and to the horror of the watching party the wedding music starts playing. Noooooo! The next few minutes are a blur because I really had trouble watching this "lyrical routine"...it was crossing over into the Michael Scott painfully awkward category for me. I'd like to think this whole thing was a back-up plan crafted by 10ley so that if she gets the boot she'll follow in Melissa's footsteps and be the chosen for "Dancing with the Stars". That's the only way I can continue to look at her with respect.

After So You Think You Can Dance is over, the couple moves to 10ley's parents house where her mom Beth, dad Robert, and sister Carly are there to greet them. 10ley's family is happy she's happy and they all enjoy a happy dinner together. Then Robert takes Jake upstairs to have a chat. It's here that Robert shows his bravery in admitting that he has in fact watched The Bachelorette before. He saw Jake on TV and noted to his wife that 10ley should find someone like him. (note - not specifically him). Jake says he's a good guy because he was "raised to do the right thing". After a manly handshake the men head back downstairs.

Robert has a very candid moment with 10ley at the table and you can tell he's just a good guy - I knew I liked him when he said he watched The Bachelorette! It's now Beth's turn to talk to Jake. She says it's been a hard year since the divorce - and the watching party in unison says, "It's only been a year!?" But Beth assures Jake if anyone can be ready to jump into another marriage it's 10ley.

The family gets back together downstairs and points fingers at who made them each cry first. Then Robert and Jake go out on the porch for round two of the questioning. Jake asks for permission to "beg" for 10ley's hand in marriage if she's the last one standing. Robert says, "I could give my blessing to someone like you." Jake overlooks the "like you" part and assumes he meant specifically him, not someone with similar qualities.

10ley walks Jake to the car and says, "Thank you for taking the time to meet my fam---" the end of the sentence is cut off by that darn lurch kiss Jake keeps bringing back. Chris Harrison seriously needs to talk to him about this.

Vienna in Sanford, FL
The Bachelor is interrupted by a commercial for the Dukes of Hazard - and look there's Daisy in her signature shorts. Oh wait - no sorry, this is still the Bachelor; that's just Vienna in the shorty shorts and off the shoulder 80s shirt. They run to greet each other (of course) and before Vienna can straddle Jake sets her back down. Interesting observation. Vienna says they're going on a boat ride and Jake rejoices at the chance for T-Pain to be on this boat since he wasn't available in NYC. Sadly there's no T-Pain on this small river boat either. However, there is again, the pointing out of obvious things. Except for this time instead of landmarks it's animals; we've really come full circle in this episode. Vienna tells Jake her dad hasn't liked any boys she has brought home or rebound married so good luck!

After the boat ride they head off to meet the family. They are greeted in the house with lots of crying and hugging by Vienna's dad Vinnie, mom Lisa, sister Kayla, and small dog Chloe. Can we just pause for a moment and acknowledge that Vienna's dad's name is Vincent (Vinnie)? Vincent...Vienna....anyone else wonder how Kayla feels about her place in the family? Vinnie takes Vienna aside and asks how she for real feels about this guy. Vienna answers "I'm really falling for him and he's exactly the kind of guy you told me to find."

Then Vinnie takes Jake into the garage and starts telling him the way it's gonna be. He says, "Vienna is a princess and that's what she deserves to be treated like. You'll find that if you treat her as a princess she'll do the same for you - you'll come home and the house will be clean and she'll raise your kids right." I find it ironic that Vinnie thinks his princess Vienna would do something as lowly as clean a house. Jake has some response about how he believes she is a princess too but what stands out to me here is that he's laying on the Texas accent way more than he did in the other hometowns. I'm thinking our boy Jake has been a bit of chameleon to win approval from the respective families...

Over dinner Jake tells the family how the other women he's been dating have been jealous of Vienna because of the connection they have. Vienna's mom (who is sporting Vienna's natural hair color) tells Jake that it's been like that her whole life - the other girls are always jealous of Vienna. It's always something wrong with the other people, there is of course nothing wrong with their princess Vienna. Then they talk about how many cars Vienna has wrecked and laugh the night away.

Vienna takes Jake back inside for a goodbye make out session when Vinnie does a "knock and walk in" on them. Awkward! Vienna then tells her dad to give them a few more minutes. SO AWKWARD!!! Vinnie says something about being just outside the door and I silently hope this date is over.

Deja Vu Begins
Back in Beverly Hills we see Jake in the same hotel room that Jillian was in when Ed knocked on the door and said he had to leave for work reasons. That's odd that we're revisiting this place, I wonder why. Jake is talking about how he loves 4 women when all of the sudden there's a knock on the door! Jake opens the door to find....(after a dramatic pause)...a visibly upset and crying Ali. She enters the hotel room and Jen at the watching party has an ingenious guess, "She's pregnant! It's morning sickness!" That would be an excellent dramatic twist! Through tears Ali tells Jake that she has to choose between her job and staying on the show. Seriously ABC? This storyline has so been done before.

Ali tells Jake she needs help deciding...yada, yada, yada...Jake talks about minimizing your life regrets...yada, yada, yada...Ali cries more and wants a guarantee to stay...yada, yada, yada...Jake says Take a Chance on Me (and I start thinking again about how much more fun it would be if Jake sang the song instead of said the line). Ali says she'll let Jake know her decision at the rose ceremony, he walks her the door and then she gives the most pitiful puppy dog face and waves goodbye before slouching and stomping down the hallway. Once she's farther away from Jake's door she does the "Drop and Sob" as CC calls it which might sound similar to the "Bend and Snap" but has much less effective results.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever...or Not!
Chris Harrison and Jake walk down a fancy hallway into the fancy deliberation room with determined expressions - they've got some serious things to deliberate here. Jake starts telling Chris how torn he is for Ali and this decision. Laura at the watching party questions aloud if he is going to start crying to which CC responds, "No, there's no railing or balcony for him to lean over dramatically." Jake says he'll do a back flip if Ali stays which really makes me want Ali to stay because I'd like to see that actually.

As Jake deliberates, we see the ladies arriving and exiting the limo. Vienna is in an unfortunate satin purple number, Gia is convinced that she looks good in red clothing paired with bright red lipstick, 10ley has on a very cute ensemble, and Ali looks like at any moment she is going to be sick all over her shoes that don't really match her dress.

Once all the ladies are in Rose Ceremony position Ali asks Chris if she can talk to him for a second. The other ladies look shocked and confused as Chris says yes and escorts her away to see Jake. Ali goes for her best "bewildered look" as she is escorted into the sacred deliberation room by Chris. Jennifer at the watching party suspects this is all an act and I have to say I questioning it myself because it's hard for me to believe someone is capable of this level of pouting. She sits on the couch and begins saying words that do not form coherent or complete sentences. Jake tries to calm her down by draping her legs over him - you know, "Gia's thing".

Ali sounds like she's getting over a cold as she makes some moaning sounds. Jake tells her that he doesn't want her to go and she wasn't on the chopping block tonight. Ali then messes up her hair more and tells him she loves him. They make out and Chris Harrison comes back in and asks if she's made her mind up because frankly it looks like she's decided to stay. Ali begins weeping and says she needs more time. Chris Harrison gives her a, "Are you serious right now?" look and she then tells Jake that she has to go. Jake channels his inner soap opera character and says, "I feel like you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." He tries one more lurch kiss which pretty much seals Ali's decision to leave.

He walks her out to the limo and they hug goodbye. I'm pretty sure she wiped her nose on his jacket before releasing from the hug. She gets in the limo and Jake emphatically shuts the door. Ali questions aloud to the ABC therapist in the car if she made the right choice. Jake turns around and sees a stair rail...yes- his emotions can be released! As Farrell said, "Where there's a railing there's a wailing!"

Jake pulls himself together and reenters the rose ceremony that is no longer a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison tells the ladies that Ali has left and so therefore, "for the first time ever in the history of the franchise that is The Bachelor, there will not be a rose ceremony tonight." The ladies can't contain their joy over the exit of Ali. Jake calls them down to pick up their roses and you just have to wonder who was on the chopping block tonight if it wasn't Ali....add that to the list of burning questions we'll never know the answer to about this show.

Chris announces that the group will be heading to St. Lucia next week for the fantasy suite dates and then the camera switches to Ali in the limo saying aloud, "What did I do?" I'm hoping the therapist was wise and told her, "You got out of that crazy situation on your own - good for you girl!" However, I'm guessing that wasn't the response seeing as the scenes for next week show Ali calling Jake on the phone...and also Jake pondering life while overlooking the ocean in his karate pants. And the drama continues (of course)!