On the Wings of BORING!

I am glad that Reba wasn't around to see this show go from bad to worse. It's a good thing Africa doesn't have ABC because she would be seriously depressed having to write about this. Instead, I'll fall on the sword and recap two tortuous hours of misery from last night.


So we're down to the final nine ladies and because the bachelorette house seems to be making everyone crazy, Chris Harrison has something even better up his sleeve: two pimped out RVs!! The ladies start cheering and clapping and I'm thinking, "Really? You guys are really excited about this?" It must be all for the cameras. Then Ella mentions she's excited about "rolling down the highway of love" and I know this is going to bad! Then the camera flips to Jake riding his bike on the PCH and I keep thinking, that just doesn't look right. What is it that makes me want to knock him off the bike and stick him in a Tahoe? Anyway... the group ends up at some vineyard and I'm wondering if last season's vineyard bachelor Jesse is going to make an appearance (and if he's still single). Sadly, he doesn't. We just see the RVs parked in the middle of the vineyard while Jake sets up a two person tent about 100 yards from the group. This could be interesting.

One on one date:
Gia finally gets selected for the one on one time with Jake, and it's actually pretty endearing. She's really excited and hurrying to get ready for the big date. She's all NYC so she gets dolled up for the motorcycle ride in three inch stilettos. They drive off and end up in another vineyard (at least I hope it's another one). Gia is giggling, throws off her shoes and decides they should play hide and seek. Now that could have been fun except for the fact that the vines are all three feet off the ground so you can't really hide. Jake doesn't seem to care and finds her in about half a second. Then she throws herself around him like a pretzel and he carries her over to *surprise* a picnic that's already been set up. ABC seriously needs to come up with some new ideas. After downing a few bottles of wine, Jake and Gia open up about their pasts: Gia was a loser and no one liked her and Jake's high school nickname was "Mr. Dateless." Then we learn Jake didn't kiss anyone until he was in 11th grade. Just when we start reminiscing about "16 Candles," Gia suggests they play "spin the bottle." Surprisingly, they end up making out, and I can't help but look away. I think the botox has paid off!

The evening part of the date comes along and Jake has in mind a camp fire, grilling hot dogs and s'mores and cuddling by the fire. Now I would love to do this, but I'm curious how Merideth Grey, I mean Gia will like it. I'm pretty sure she was never a girl scout. Jake gets the fire going thanks to the lighter fluid some ABC intern drenched the wood in and they cuddle under a blanket. Gia is loving it! Jake asks her how she thinks this whole thing will end and Gia says something that surprises me. She wants kids and to adopt a baby from China. Really Gia, I didn't know you had it in you. Then she follows up with, "I also want a pig." Now that's what I was expecting. Then Jake heads off to get the rose and Carrie, who is one of my friends watching with me, asks, "I wonder where he's going to hide it." That was really the highlight of this one-on-one date for me. The evening ends with the girls making coyote noises, which Tenley was pretty good at, and it's time to end it.

Group Date:
For the group date we have Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Vienna, Corrie and Ali. Jake tells the girls to plan to get dirty. Because Rozlyn's gone, we all know this actually means dirty. Jake and the girls go dunebuggying and sand surfing. I imagine this to be fun to do but definitely not to watch. Jake tells us he's "drawn to Tenley" as they roll down a sand dune together and Tenley eats it. We actually get to see a little of Corrie as well since she makes an effort to get some alone time with Jake. They roll down a sand dune. Boring!

They finish off the day at the Madonna Inn where everyone gets to clean up and Jake has some one-on-one time in a different hotel room with each girl. I can't tell for sure if the DVR stopped and we start watching "pimp my hotel" when Jake and Ashleigh end up entangled on a love seat in the first room. While she's getting really physical, Jake is fairly aloof and it's obvious she won't be around long. Then Jake and Ali end up on another loveseat, and I wonder whether they've dated before the way she acts around him. She's definitely the most comfortable with him and let's him know that "she supports whatever decision he makes." I think she meant to add "except if you keep Vienna around" but she's not quite as confident as I thought. The show skips over the rest of the girls because no one is saying anything remotely interesting. Jake ends the round with Vienna, per her request, when they have a little heart to heart in front of the fire. Vienna can't understand why the girls all hate her and Jake calls her out and says it's because she eggs it on. While I appreciate Jake being honest with Vienna, this show is called the Bachelor, not "my best guy friend". Let's get on with it! The evening ends with Jake giving out the group date rose to Tenley, for being patient with him. The bachelorettes are all pissed and shocked, and while we all agree that they may actually be a great match, we're bored and ready for something else to come on.

Two on one date
Kathryn and Ella end up on the two on one date, and we know there's tension because one of them will be getting the boot tonight. While this would have been a whole lot more interesting if it had been Vienna v. Ali, at least there's some made up drama to watch. The three of them sit down to eat and Kathryn turns into a fly on the wall for Jake and Ella's date. Ella isn't messing around, and Kathryn can't seem to get a word in edgewise. Even she admits that she feels like the third wheel which is pretty true based on the editing. Jake then spends some time alone with each of them and the watching party starts talking about what would make this more interesting. Someone mentioned how great it would be if Michelle were to show back up, Reid-style, at the end and someone else mentioned if she came back with red eyes it would be even better. We laughed until we realized the show was still going on and it wasn't a commercial break. As we all wait impatiently for Jake to hand out a rose, Jake asks Ella if she'll go outside with him. Boo-yah, Ella's getting the boot. Jake goes through his standard "kick ya to the curb" schpeal of thank you, you are great, i really appreciate you being here and putting your life on hold for me, blah, blah, blah. Then he literally turns around and Ella's stretch limo is two feet behind him, so he opens the door and kicks her out. At least they aren't stopping a train in the middle of nowhere. When Jake comes back in to see Kathryn rose-less, we start to get suspicious. Then he drops another bombshell, she's history too! Kathryn tries to argue her way out of it but there's already another car outside to take her away too. Kathryn protests, Jake goes through the exact same breakup monologue and she leaves. Then Jake takes the rose outside and burns it in the firepit. And that's about all the drama we have so far.

It's at this point in the evening when Carrie suggests they need a "cameraman tell all" show. We can hear from the staffer that hooked up with Roz and the guys that fell asleep while having to endure through this episode. I kind of like the idea.

Cocktail party/Rose ceremony
We make it to the cocktail party where nothing interesting happens. We see a bit more of Corrie and everyone decides she's the dark horse. Jake and Ali have nothing to talk about (because they are so boring) so they just kiss under some mink blanket. We hear the first words from Jessie and unfortunately she wastes them on telling Jake that Vienna isn't right for him. Don't these girls ever learn!! It's the kiss of death around here. Finally we get to the rose ceremony and with 20 minutes left in the show, we know something's up. They don't waste any time in the deliberation room so did Jake even deliberate? He starts handing out roses and it's obvious that Ali will get the first one. Next, Corrie gets hers and it's confirmed that she's definitely the dark horse. It's at this point Jake can't go on and the show gets interesting. Jake leaves the girls standing there with two roses to hand out. The camera man is chasing him through the house and he's on the hunt for Chris. Some producer's assistant, in a very cool LA outfit, meets him first and alerts the crew that they have a loose cannon here. Jake runs outside looking for Chris where we see him talking to Jorge Garcia from Lost and some other crew member who shrink into the background and run off the stage. Jake babbles about not wanting to give out two more roses and Chris tries to talk him off the ledge while listening to his earpiece as to whether the producers okay this. Can they kick off two more girls and still have enough footage for enough episodes? The producers must okay it since Chris affirms that this is allowed because "Jake is looking for this wife." Does this mean that everyone else was just looking for a good hook-up? Chris then holds Jake's hand and walks him back to the rose bearing pedestal. Chris tells the ladies that only one more rose is getting handed out so be ready. Then the biggest surprise of all, Jake gives the last remaining rose to...VIENNA!!! Shocker! I think Ali almost throttled her but instead begins to plot her demise. Even sweet innocent Tenley is looking a bit out of sorts over this revelation. Jessie leaves graciously and we see more from her on the exit interview than we have all season. Ashleigh isn't quite as poised as she spits out that she "can't believe he chose Vienna over me." Believe me girl, you weren't right for him but I sure can't believe it either! If nothing else, at least we have the "Vienna hate" to look forward to next week. Peace out friends! Until next week!

Bachelor recap coming soon/cameo appearance

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure this guy was on the set during the rose ceremony. And that's about the most exciting thing that happened during the show. I'm going to get a good night's sleep and hope I remember something worthwhile to share tomorrow.

On the wings of CRAZY!

Well, last night's episode did not fail to disappoint in this train wreck we call "The Bachelor" so let's dive right in.

We start off the show with our host Chris Harrison looking very Miami Vice with his v-neck t-shirt and blazer talking with our favorite group of ladies. It must have been really early because they were not looking too cute with some serious bedhead and no makeup on. It does give me a little comfort to know even our model friends here look pretty rough first thing in the morning. It's also important to note that we have finally found the women who actually wear the pajamas from the Victoria's Secret catalog. Good call Carrie!

The date card arrives and Vienna (aka Paris) is up for the first one-on-one date. I love the quick pans to "borderline personality disorder" Michelle throwing daggers from her eyes at Vienna. I do wonder what that girl is thinking and exactly what she's capable of. But let's move on...

One-on-one date
Vienna and Jake head off to some overlook holding hands and mumbling about something. Call it foreshadowing when Jake asks Vienna about the craziest thing she's ever done. Oh girl, you just wait! All of the sudden the token helicopter appears. Do you ever wonder why they look so surprised when you know they can hear the thing a mile off? Anyway, they hop aboard and head off to my personal nightmare. It's all fun and games until that actually see what's next: bungee jumping hell! For the next half hour we watch as Vienna, and especially Jake, deteriorate into genuine panic attacks. It's an agonizing process as they realize they really can't get out of this situation without jumping, then they get closer to the edge, and peer down at the terrifying boulders 120 feet below. Then Jake essentially has a nervous breakdown on Vienna's shoulder/neck before she finally loans him a pair and they jump. It's extremely painful to watch and not just because I was having my own panic attack. The bungee cord looked like it was jerking them around like rag dolls, and it was not a pretty site. As Jake & Vienna hold on to each other for dear life screaming bloody murder and desperately making out, I flash back to Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in "Speed" when she tells him that relationships that start under intense circumstances never last. We'll just see about that.

Next we move on to the evening with Jake & Vienna still on an adrenaline rush drinking out of the tallest wine glasses ever and recapping their shared intense circumstance. Shockingly they make out and somehow end up in a swimming pool. Not surprisingly though, Jake picks up the rose and provides another 10 minute monologue before finally giving Vienna the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the tiger's lair the next card arrives and the following get selected for the group date: Elizabeth, 10ley, Ali, Ashleigh (who spells her name wrong), Michelle (this aughtta be good), then the randoms: Kathryn, Corrie and Jessie. The ladies catch on to the clue that they are heading to the Comedy Club. Little do they know what else is in store, let the excitement begin!

The Group Date:
So we begin this group activity with the ladies walking down the random bachelor street holding hands (at least that's what I think I saw) when Michelle sees Jake first and runs to him. I can't take my eyes off of her just wondering what psycho thing she'll say or do next. They all end up at the Comedy Club where Jake reads off the teleprompter and introduces Jon Lovitz. I'm guessing Seinfeld had better things to doi. When Jon tells the ladies that they are actually going to do the stand-up, I think I see a few of them hurl. The main person to breakdown is Ashleigh H. which is surprising to everyone. Supposedly she's really funny, but now she's a nervous wreck. Add a little alcohol to the mix and this is downright fun!

And now for the stand up routines:
Ali starts off with something that she thinks is funny but is obviously not very memorable, 10ley shows us her best stupid human trick and Kathryn gives us her best bleep, bleep routine. For the most part though, the crowd actually seems to be laughing. Then Michelle gets up and the train wrecks again. She starts off with some weird connections between the palm trees and her coconuts and rambles her way through some freaky analogy about the putting green, a hole and some one-on-one. Crickets...Thankfully they move on to Corrie and her impressions of the girls in the house. Her first impression is of 10ley as a dingbat (really?), then of Kathryn and her potty mouth (which Kathryn finds hilarious by the way). Next we see her Vienna impression. It's not pretty, the girls are loving it and Jake is very confused. Poor Vienna, she doesn't stand a chance with this crowd. Next we discover than Elizabeth has a raunchy side and Ashleigh finally gets drunk enough to tell three dumb blonde jokes. Finally this pathetic date is OVER! By the way, does anyone remember Jessie going on? I don't even remember that girl.

We move on to the after-party where things just keep unwinding. 10ley finally breaks down and tells Jake about her divorce and her unfaithful husband. I thought Jake handled it really well, but what fun is that really? Jake's obviously been practicing (or watching a lot of youtube videos) because there are no more lurch kisses. Then Ashleigh uses her one-on-one time to tell Jake how awful Vienna is. No sweetie, don't do it!
We break back to the girls at the pad where Gia and Vienna have their claws out. ABC must pump estrogen into that house because the girls there are CRAZY! After some tearful yelling and accusations, Vienna storms up to her room where she starts writing a "Dear Jake" letter. I think she must be the one who eventually leaves because as you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances never work out.

Meanwhile back at the after party, Michelle and Ali start to have their own little cat fight. Ali definitely likes to stir the pot, and Michelle is such an easy target. Michelle has her video monologue, and we see her borderline come out yet again. "I'm here for love and it's my turn to get married. Everyone in my family tells me it's my turn, and I know it is." Careful Jake, hide your bunny. Elizabeth pipes in telling us what we've known all along, "Michelle doesn't need a husband. She needs a therapist first. That girl needs some help." You'd better believe it! Michelle finally gets her one-on-one time, and she tells Jake once again that she's here for love. Then she makes Jake kiss her. It's awesome to see the terror in his eyes as you know he definitely does not want to do this. Sorry buddy, that's the price you pay when you date 12 women at one time. Remember that for next time. Even better, Michelle threatens to leave again and Jake mans up and kicks her butt out! You go Jake! After kicking her to the curb, Jake tells the other ladies that he's not handing out any damn rose but instead he needs some alone time. I'll bet he does. Exit stage Jake.

The second one-on-one date:
I must admit that by this point in the show, I'm ready for the rose ceremony. There's been so much drama of so little interest that I need a break. Guest blogging is HARD, but the show must go on.

It's a new day and a new date with Ella. Jake shows up and the helicopter lands on the pool I think. They fly around the city and finally end up at Sea World where Jake has another surprise: Ella's son, Ethan. I did feel a little awkward watching this part of the show. Something didn't feel right about Jake having his first date with Ella and then having her son show up. Fortunately Ella was thrilled, and Jake has enough character to handle the situation with class. Ella then tells us in her best twang that she's ready to be in a perfect family, like Trista & Ryan. Really?? That's the best you can do? I'm thinking ABC paid her for that line because I sure hope she has better role models than that. Finally the date ends and they send Ethan back home. Eerily, it looked like Ashleigh H. in the front seat when they were driving away. Not sure what that was about... Jake, of course, gives Ella the rose and it's time to move on. The most memorable thing about this date was learning that it was originally intended for Rozlyn and her son. Ooo, I guess they had to improvise after someone had inappropriate relations with a staffer. Holla!

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
So we finally make it to the cocktail party which I expect to be pretty boring. Now that Michelle was sent packing, we don't have any crazies left. Enter, Elizabeth! Who knew that Lizzy had a little crazy in her, and that Jake would start channeling Dr. Phil? Mix some confrontation with a little rejection, and the nanny doesn't do so well. At one point I thought she might even take a swing at Vienna. The poor girl is obviously not used to being called out, so she didn't know what was going on. And now it's time for the rose ceremony. Finally!

As Jake hand out the roses to the ladies, I have some advice for those sticking around:
Ali - quit worrying about Vienna and start paying attention to your man. I think your front runner status may be in jeopardy.
Ashleigh - ditto. Enjoy this week because I think you are about to be heading home.
Ella - keep doing whatever you are doing because while it drives me crazy, Jake actually seems to like it.
Gia - load up on some more botox and keep applying the lip gloss because it looks like your turn on the Jake-love train is coming.
Corrie - your stand up routine was a wake up call for Jake, but you might have rocked the boat a little in the house. Sleep with one eye open.
Vienna - get those claws sharpened, baby, because you are going to need them.
Kathryn - I guess channeling Gretchen Wilson is working out for you pretty well so far.
Jessie - keep wearing that bumpett thing so we can recognize you each week
10ley - bless your heart!

I'll end this post with my personal highlight from the evening. It actually came after the show in the form of an email from my older brother, who is a pilot and apparently is watching the show. And I quote, "I am embarrassed to be in the same profession as this tool rod! Worst bachelor EVER, which may explain why it's the worst bachelorette crew as well. The ratings are likely to plummet quicker than Obamas!" Ah, the emotions this train wreck stirs up in all of us. I love it! Until next time...

Bracket Time! (And an Announcement)

We're down to the top 12 and if you attend the infamous watching party you know that means it's time for the friendly competition to begin! The second annual Bachelor/Bachelorette Bracket Competition (the "other BBC" if you will) begins tonight. If you want to host your own competition I've included the bracket above for you to print out and play along with your friends...or by yourself - there's no judging here if you decide you just want to see if you can read Jake's mind and fill it out for fun! To aid you in your completion of the bracket I've also included a little cheat sheet of the remaining contestants:
I hope those all print out okay for y'all - you can click on the images to make them bigger if that helps. I briefly thought about having an open competition among breezy blog readers but then I thought that would get too crazy because there would be like thousands of entries, right!?!

And speaking of the millions of readers who read this blog daily, I have a big announcement: I'm going to Africa tomorrow for a mission trip with an organization called Sports Outreach Institute. I am super excited about the trip however I've been told that the people of Africa don't have DVR...or cable...or TV...or electricity. Sooo that means I will miss watching The Bachelor next week and that the breezy blog bachelor recaps will hopefully be written by some very special guest bloggers - I say hopefully because I am still trying to talk these special guest bloggers into taking over during my absence. I encourage you to check back AND to encourage these ladies if/when they do accept my request by commenting on their post(s).

As a side note I just want to say thanks for visiting and for your positive comments; this is a fun little distraction for me and I'm just glad there are people out there who enjoy it as well! I'll be back in February to catch up on the most dramatic rose ceremonies that I missed while I was gone!

Greatness

My friend Kelli sent me an email yesterday with the following link. According to People.com:

Old rivalries and dramas from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette will get new life this year as ABC is creating a spin-off show in which former contestants will live and compete together in a Big Brother-style house. The show, titled Bachelor Pad, will bring back 20 memorable contestants from the previous 13 Bachelor and five Bachelorette seasons, according to The Hollywood Reporter’s Live Feed blog. It’s expected to premiere in late summer.

“All these people have been friends, been enemies, they date each other and bring all this great backstory to the show,” says executive producer Martin Hilton. “It seemed like there was an opportunity to combine that world with a new competitive reality show.” The contestants haven’t been revealed, but Hilton said top players and former winners are on board. The show will feature various challenges, some inspired by incidents from past seasons. Contestants will be booted from the house at the end of each episode. And Bachelor and Bachelorette host Chris Harrison has signed on to emcee.

In the words of Chandler Bing, "Could I BE more excited!?!?!" I love this idea and I love that our host Christ Harrison is on board as well. While I've never been able to get into Big Brother I'm thinking this will be different because:

1) We'll know the history on these people (unless they choose people from seasons 6-9 when I boycotted show thanks to the terrible picks for Bachelor - uber tan Byron the fisherman? Jerry O'Connell's brother? No thanks...)

2) They have such a large pool of crazy people to choose from. Crazy people = good TV.

3) "Some of the various challenges will be inspired by incidents from past seasons." Love this! Just think - if Wes is on board there could be a karaoke contest, with Tanner P you could do a toenail painting challenge, or for Channy there might be a 'come up with the dirtiest phrase in a foreign language' contest.

4) The world really needs another competitive reality TV show, don't you think?

Jake Finally Learns What Wes Meant...

Episode 2 of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love
Oh the drama! The controversy and heartbreak has really reached new heights this year...I guess that's what happens when a pilot is the bachelor!! (Making airplane/flying pun-like analogies is actually very fun...I think that's way so many people did it in this episode)

We begin as we always do, with the ever delightful Chris Harrison entering to give the ladies the rules and game plan (guess he left out one important yet seemingly obvious rule...but we'll get to that later). He tells the ladies that there will be 3 dates this week, 2 group and 1 one-on-one however not everyone will receive a date this week. Camera shoots to crazy Michelle who immediately goes panic crazy-eyed. He leaves the group with a date card which Ella opens and reads - Rozlyn, Gia, Valishia, Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh H. are all invited on the date which includes this clue on the card, "A picture is worth a thousand words." Squeals commence as the ladies try to figure out what this mysterious clue means...

Everyone's a Model!
Jake arrives at the house to pick up his women and in the process he chooses to unbutton one too many buttons on his cobalt blue shirt. Seriously Jake? Why not wear a v-neck if you were hoping to show off your waxed and fake-tanned chest? Not that I'm condoning a v-neck but you should know the button on that button up shirt is strategically placed there for a reason.

With the ladies in tow Jake struts down the sidewalk doing his best runway walk while the top of his button down shirt flaps in the wind revealing more of the bare chest. Ashley at the viewing party tries to give Jake the benefit of the doubt and points out that the button may have popped off. But we all know Valishia the homemaker could have sewn that thing right back on if that was the case. Jake tells us he's on cloud nine - the first of approximately 347 references to could nine during this episode.

He reveals to the ladies that they will be participating in an InStyle fashion shoot for the date and lets his "friend" Hal explain the details. Corrie is ecstatic because InStyle is her fashion bible, Rozlyn's head grows even bigger since you know - this is what she does, and Christina declares she would rather be doing a math test. Hate to break it to you Christina but I don't think math is really your strength either...I'm thinking your talents would be better shown off in something like a flip cup or beer pong themed group date.

Roz is up first for the photo shoot and wastes no time literally throwing herself at Jake. As she drapes her leg across his torso the censorship blurred picture is used while Christina and the other girls drop their jaws. Christina comments that she thinks she just saw her "cha cha"...where is Channy with the Cambodian phrases when you need her!? Roz tells us that Jake is "really cute...I wanna bite him." Red flag #1, she already wants to hurt him.

Christina continues to hate on herself during the photo shoot but I don't really remember everything she said because I was so distracted by her hair during her interviews. I still don't understand what was going on there. It was in sort of an unfortunate 50's style updo and I was relieved for her sake when she put her hair down for the actual shoot. After trying to convince the photographer to doctor the photo to her advantage Jake steps in to try to calm her fears. He pulls his best Tim Gunn and says, "look at what that dress has done to your eyes girl!" Once her prince has rescued her from the photo shoot that he made her endure Christina is thrilled that Jake is the man she dreamed up in her mind. (she does know he's been there the whole time, right?)

Part two of the group date begins and you know that that means - there must be a body of water nearby so the girls can get in their bikinis! Jake takes the ladies to a fancy hotel where they just happen to sit outside near the pool. He asks Gia for some alone time first, I'm not sure what they talked about because I was distracted by the pencil she used to put her hair up in a bun which then made it look like she had an antenna sticking out from both sides of her head.

The camera cuts back to the group of ladies and that's when we hear Valishia say, "I teach women's bible studies but I don't get paid for that." What? Very random comment but after much discussing at the viewing party it was decided that since Valishia's occupation is a homemaker and she is not married the girls must have been trying to figure out how she has income. Scratch "gets paid to lead women's bible studies" off the list ladies - back to the drawing board!

Ashleigh H. then decides it's time to pull an Ashley E. and use a costume to distract Jake from the other women. Instead of a costume she goes for a string bikini though and wouldn't you know it - that worked too! Poor Gia didn't stand a chance next to the scantily clad Ashleigh. Jake goes behind a curtain to change into his swimsuit and I silently prayed he would not have on Ed's shorty green shorts. He pulls the curtain back to reveal swim trunks down to his knees and I breathe a sigh of relief - he must have noted how silly Ed looked when Chris Harrison gave him that game tape to review.

Cut back to the house where the doorbell rings which means the girls react like Pavlovs dogs with shrieking. They bring in a date card which says this gift is for the woman who has the one-on-one date with Jake. The gift is what else? Diamonds! More shrieking ensues. Crazy Michelle tries to put the necklace on which makes the other ladies scream "It's tainted" - apparently they are afraid of getting Michelle's crazy cooties on the necklace. I'd be afraid too actually...

Back at the playboy mansion - I mean group date in the pool - all the ladies have joined Ashleigh & Jake in the pool. Christina tries to get some alone time with Jake and show him her talent of how well she holds her alcohol. After singing the twilight zone theme song and making lots of random sounds it appears that plan didn't go exactly as she hoped. Roz shakes her stuff to interrupt the duo and steals Jake away. Christina looks straight up pissed but again has a plan, "We need a shot!" Anyone else think Christina's next reality TV show appearance will be on A&E's Intervention?

Roz takes Jake up to the roof and wraps him up in a blanket while asking if he's having fun. Jake responds like a 12 year-old boy and says, "Yea!! I'm having a blast!! I'm on the roof with a model in a bikini!!!" It's here we see that Roz has watched some game tape as well. As they discuss how much fun they are having and how attractive they are she pulls the signature Jake lurch kiss on him! And he LOVES it! Jake immediately says, "I'll be right back" and takes the elevator down to pick up the rose in front of the ladies and then take it back up to the roof where Roz has been waiting alone...except for the crew. (Red flag #2!) Jake then sticks the rose down his pants behind his back and tells Roz he's really intrigued by her (intrigued - turned on, same thing right?) . He presents the rose from his pants and she acts shocked before accepting.

Love Conquers Fear
Doorbell rings, cue shrieks and Crazy Michelle runs to get to the card because it seems that someone has told her if she touches it she will get the date. Unfortunately this theory doesn't pan out for her because the card reads, "Ali...come fly with me". Thankfully the girls were able to decipher that cryptic message and realized Jake would be flying Ali somewhere. Ali instantly cries and can't believe this is happening -she never thought she would get a date with Jake. She did know the premise of the show is dating Jake, right?

Jake pulls up on his motorcycle sporting the leather jacket as well of course because today is the Tom Cruise themed outfit day, not the model themed outfit day. Ali emerges in a very adorable short yellow satin dress and the diamond necklace. I'm confused because a) In jeans and a polo Jake is very under-dressed and b) I don't know how she is going to get on the motorcycle in that dress. However Ali apparently has no problem hoping on and straddling the Harley in a dress. Still confused on Jake's wardrobe choice though...didn't the diamonds imply Ali was supposed to dress up?

The mis-matched level of dressiness couple ride up to an airfield and Ali's fears are confirmed - she will be flying. She declares, "I feel like I'm going to throw up in my stomach just thinking about it." Did anyone else think Ali has never thrown up before? I don't think she knows how it works. Jake checks the aircraft before putting on his aviators and tossing his leather jacket over his shoulder for another Top Gun reference. They begin the ascent into the air and Ali masks her fear relatively well. Once they are flying her fears fade away as she feels like she is yes -- "on cloud nine". After one more airplane/relationship analogy (Ali states that the plane took off as their relationship was taking off) the background music is cued and after 3 seconds Farrell at the watching party says she loves this song. I ask her what song it is and she responds, On the Wings of Love!!!, as if I should have known from five notes! Okay, okay...seeing as this is The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, I probably should have known from the first five notes.

The fearless couple land in Palm Springs as Jake declares that "feelings are taking off"...seriously again with the airplane/relationship pun? He briskly escorts Ali to an old fancy car as she runs to try to keep up with him. Remember she's in heels Jake!? You led her to believe this was a dressy date by the diamond necklace you told her to wear...what was she supposed to do, wear diamonds with jeans? (Is that what she was supposed to do?? I'm so confused...)

They drive to a deserted field and walk up to a dinner table in the middle of the deserted field. Jake begins the interview process and asks Ali about her previous serious relationships. Ali says she's dated, a "Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan" so after failing to get on either Jesse Palmer or Jason Mesnick's seasons of The Bachelor she was thrilled when another opportunity arose for her to apply.

Back at the house Valishia the homemaker announces the names listed on the last date card which says something about ups and downs. Winners are Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley E., and Vienna. That means Ella, 10ley and Michelle are the losers who don't get a date this week. That also means Crazy Michelle climbs up another notch on the crazy ladder and starts spouting off statements and threats such as, "I'm not ordinary like the other women...Jake doesn't want to spend time with me? Tough for him!" All the other ladies slowly back away and the on call ABC therapist is paged.

Back at the deserted field Jake has decided to present Ali with a rose which she 100% accepts and then we again see that Jake has really studied the game tape because instead of lurching, he slowly leans in to kiss her. Then he says he's got another surprise for her (nevermind that he likely had nothing to do with these surprises)...cue the band Chicago! A stage is set up in the deserted field for the private concert. Ali and Jake dash 500 yards across the field to the stage - again poor Ali is not dressed appropriately for a foot race. As the band plays "You're the Inspiration" Jake tells us that, "He's never had a moment like that before"...I think they cut off the end of that sentence which was surely, "...except for last year when Jillian and I had that private concert by Martina McBride and I pulled that awesome lurch kiss."

Moving from Airplane to Roller Coaster Relationship References
The ladies on group date #2 show up at Six Flags where Jake is waiting to tell them that their 10 year-old fantasies have come true - the whole park is closed just for them, no lines! Shrieking ensues again. Ashley E. tells us with crazy eyes that "Jake is my man...he just doesn't know it yet." It's here that I first became fascinated by Ashley E.'s crazy eyes...it's later that I grew to love them. The group rides many roller coasters; someone says something about how a relationship has ups and downs just like a roller coaster and suddenly I miss the cloud nine references.

The camera cuts back to the house where we see Crazy Michelle packing. That's right - she'll show Jake for not giving her a date! 10ley tries to talk her out of it while Roz feeds her some line about how they wished she was on their first group date. I'm pretty sure it was the producers who eventually talked her into staying - this girl is ratings gold.

Back at Six Flags, Paris Hilton - I mean Tori Spelling - I mean Vienna tells us that Elizabeth is her fiercest competition. (see the similarities again!)
Just then Elizabeth pulls Jake aside and tells him she wrote him a note. As she struggles to get the note out of the pocket of her painted on skinny jeans she tells us that when she writes notes they are very "her - they're naked, natural". What? I'm so confused at this point - does the note include a naked picture? Elizabeth begins speed reading the note and therefore I become even more confused because I have no idea what she said. I honestly don't think she took a breath. The watching party was able to keep up and told me that she said she doesn't want Jake to kiss her until it's her and only her that he is kissing. Ohhhhh....well played Elizabeth - I'm on to your game! Jake says he is intrigued (again - intrigued, turned on - same thing right?) and wants to respect her values. Elizabeth says she is playing so hard to get because that's what she deserves.

Vienna takes the opportunity for one-on-one time next and tells Jake her big secret - she dated a preacher's son for 4 years in high school (yes start doing the math - so 14-17 years old), then got engaged at 17; called the wedding off before it happened and then eloped at 18 with a rebound after learning the preacher's son got married a month after she called it off. She then divorced the rebound 4 months later. Before Jake even has a chance to respond crazy eyes Ashley E. interrupts with a fresh drink and Jake leaves with her. Ouch Vienna! Go find Christina at the bar and get yourself a shot!

Ashley E. says something that I wish I had written down but I didn't so I forgot what it was but after Jake agreed with her she responded with, "So we're both cheesy!" And then they both broke out into cheesy laughter. However Jake only gives her a peck on the check and Ashley E. questions the camera with crazy eyes, "How could you not want to kiss me!?!" The camera man mistakenly thinks she was asking him the question and responds that he's already got something going on with another "lady" in the house.

Jake rewards Elizabeth's game-playing "hard to get" routine with a rose and sends the other ladies home in the limo after awkwardly hugging them all. He takes Elizabeth to a bench for a special surprise. Before the surprise starts she smashes her face up to his and asks, "Do you want to kiss me?" Jake is confused and thinks maybe he misheard the note too...she was reading very fast. Elizabeth clarifies, "I want to kiss you - you know that my pact to not kiss you isn't because I don't want to. Because I want to. A lot. I want to." Jake clearly wants to kiss her as well but he's the good-guy and can't go against her values so he just looks longingly at her and then the surprise starts - fireworks! Cut to the girls in the lonely limo watching the fireworks in depression as they ride back to the house.

The Most Dramatic Cocktail Party Ever
The cocktail party opens with Rozlyn in a gold sequin-covered dress telling the other girls she is so glad she has nothing to worry about and telling us, "I have a rose biatch!" Classy. Jake enters and tells Ella he understands it was her birthday yesterday and he has something for her. Ella waits outside and Jake enters with a cupcake on a plate. I'm thinking Ella wanted a rose instead of the calories but she puts on her best Southern face and tells us, "It was the sweetest thang...it's hard not to be on cloud nine!" (welcome back cloud nine references!), Then Ella tells Roz "I got a cupcake biatch!" (not really- but wouldn't that have been awesome!?)

Jake pulls 10ley aside since she didn't win a date this week and begins interviewing her about past relationships. The perfect cue for her to share her divorce history. Alas she lets the cue pass her by and instead answers with an eloquent, "Yeah, those heartbreaks have...yeah, so, you know....what about your family?" Smooth.

Crazy Michelle is telling the other girls what happens when there's too many women in the house and it involves some sort of sound effect and hand motion. Enter Jake and Crazy Michelle does her best Jekyll and Hyde to reveal a spunky smiley person. Vienna tells us it's frustrating because Michelle is usually Debbie Downer all day every day until Jake walks in and then she's all Positive Polly. Vienna doesn't like being frustrated - especially when her dad isn't there to take away whatever is frustrating her.

Jake takes Debbie Downer - I mean Crazy Michelle away for some alone time...brave man! Crazy tells him that she packed her bags and was ready to leave because she wasn't a date winner this week. She tells him she knows that she is here for the same reasons as he is. She also knows many other things about him such as what type of soap he uses, his shoe size, and the type of wax he uses on his chest because she has been stalking him for some time now. Jake tells her he doesn't want her to leave, apparently he likes living on the edge of danger. Christina interrupts the conversation and steals Jake away leaving Crazy Michelle to shockingly tell us, "She interrupted me in the middle of my conversation!?" It seems that Crazy Michelle has never watched The Bachelor.

As Christina tells Jake about her funny drunken stories, Chris Harrison enters the cocktail party and asks to speak to Roz outside. The ladies know something is up - Chris Harrison only comes in to clink the champagne class at the cocktail parties! Outside a conversation between Chris and Roz went a little something like this:

CH: "So this is something we've never had to deal with before...it's very awkward...I'm guess you have an idea of what I'm talking about."
Roz: intense blank stare
CH: "You've entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers
Roz: intense blank stare
CH: "Because of what's happened we believe it's not possible (choked up a little - slight pause)...it's not possible for you to form a meaningful relationship with Jake."
Roz: "So you think no one else in this house has someone back home or feelings for someone else?"
CH: "No - but those are back home (like Ed had), this is here and this is an ethical show, we can't allow that - what kind of program do you think this is?"
Roz: "I mean I don't really think my personal life is anybody's business."
Watching Party: Roar of laughter, several "Is she serious??" comments
CH: (raises his eyebrows) "The staffer has been fired and you need to leave in the rejection van as well. I know you don't have your things packed so please go pack now."

As Amy P. texted from her satellite watching party, "Dang! He's bringing the heat on Roz and she's all 'what's my personal life got to do with this!' Uh, what?! Yeah, it has everything to do with your personal life." Sadly I'm not sure the connection was there for Roz and therefore I've decided to share some of my infinite wisdom with our friend.

An open letter to Rozlyn the model:
Dear Roz,
Is it okay that I call you Roz? Lincee at www.ihategreenbeans.com started it and I think it's catchy. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciated your effort to blame-shift and not admit guilt during Chris Harrison's interrogation. The way you first tried to compare yourself to the other girls who may or may not have boyfriends back home was very clever - way to make the producers think twice about enduring another Ed-scandal! After that was dismissed by Chris you then said one of the best lines I've ever heard on a reality television program.

Now, I'm just curious, do you really think your personal life is no one's business or did you just say that in an act of desperation to get out of further questioning? Because honey I hate to be the one to tell you that when you sign your life away and choose to participate in a reality TV show to find a husband you're pretty much opening up your personal life for the entire world. I'm sorry if you found that out the hard way...it's just kind of hard to believe that it wouldn't have occurred to you before you signed up.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for providing some quality entertainment and wish you good luck in getting those nosy people who watch reality TV to give you some peace and quiet and let you keep your personal life personal. Just one piece of advice- if you and your crew-member lover do continue with your inappropriate relationship and want to keep your personal life personal I would maybe not sign up for a reality show about your relationship. It doesn't seem to always work out so well and as you've no doubt learned it's very hard to get people to leave you alone when you sign up to be taped 24 hours a day.
Your Friend,
Rebecca
P.S. Too bad you had to give your rose back, biatch!

Sorry for the interruption - back to the play by play...so Roz accepts the decision to be sent home and walks back in to tell the ladies she's leaving. She then carefully walks upstairs in her 5 inch heels and packs while wearing her gold disco ball outfit the entire time. The security guard that she did not have relations with makes sure she doesn't go all Crazy Michelle.

The ladies are on the case trying to figure out what is going on. Christina comes back in after Chris Harrison interrupts to break the news to Jake. She asks whats going on and assumes that Rozlyn has gone to talk to Jake when crazy eye Ashley E. delivers my second favorite line of the night. She corrects Christina by saying, "NO...Nooo, we thought it was Jake but it's not Jake, it's Chris." There's no way I can give justice to this scene by describing it. This YouTube clip is the closest comparison to the way Ashley delivered that line. If it's on your dvr I highly recommend re-watching this scene. Classic.

Meanwhile outside Chris tells Jake he has some news about Roz. Fearing she's pulling a Ed and has left for "work reasons" he exclaims, "Don't tell me she's gone!?!" Chris tells him that she is gone because she had inappropriate relations with a staffer. Jake is angry but since anger isn't an emotion nice guys do he goes for disappointed. He paces back and forth outside to try to move from anger to disappointment and then sternly asks Chris if he can get his rose back. Chris says of course but assures him it will be a new rose since Roz's is wilted.

Chris Harrison gathers the ladies together with Jake by his side and breaks the news about Roz and the staffer. Many ladies begin instantly crying to which I say...why? As my sister texted from her satellite watching party, "these ladies need to get a grip on reality - are they really upset she is gone?" Jake provides assurance that he is not mad, just disappointed. Michelle assures him she is crazy and is here for the right reasons. 10ley has a Lost-like flashback to the deception and unfaithfulness in her marriage. More crying ensues. Chris Harrison finally stops the madness and tells the ladies, "I'll give you some time now to pull yourselves together before the rose ceremony."

Jake stares at the 5x7 pictures on the shelf in the deliberation room and then picks up Rozlyn's. Instead of throwing it in the fire or dramatically throwing it against the wall to shatter into pieces, he calmly places it back on the shelf...face down. Buuurrrnn! Jake emerges from the deliberation room and gives the usual "hope you're here for the right reasons" speech before handing out the roses. Roses go to: Vienna - the one who eloped, Gia - the one who has a lot of collagen in her lips, 10ley - the one who has yet to tell him about her divorce, Ella - the southern single mom who got a cupcake, Valishia - the one who still mysteriously has an income from being an unmarried homemaker, Corrie - the one who uses InStyle as her fashion bible, Jessie - the one who we have never seen, Ashleigh H. - the one who first sported the bikini on group date 1, Michelle - the one who is crazy, and Kathryn - who is this girl?

That means Christina the jello shot queen and Ashley E. the crazy eyes girl are sent packing. Ashley E. is able to keep it together during her rejection interview and give the contrite, "not meant to be" line. Christina however is haunted by the sound of laughing models still in the house toasting Jake as she tries to respond to her rejection interview and can't keep the tears from flowing. Ten bucks says she paid the rejection van driver to make a stop at the bar on the way to the airport.

And with that the most dramatic episode 2 in the entire history of The Bachelor franchise is over. Scenes for next week show of course more drama, accusations, crazy Michelle scenes, and possibly yet another lady leaving for reasons other than not getting a rose. We shall see!

For your reading pleasure be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog (which provides details of the Roz scandal), The EW Pop Watch recap by Kristen Baldwin (which is always hilarious), Lincee's blog (again always a good one!), and a new link for you - Jake himself is blogging over at People.com. This week he calls Ali a "doll face"...I think I just threw up in my stomach.

Love is More Powerful Than Flying

Here we are again friends, another season of The Bachelor. Since this is my first time blogging about The Bachelor (instead of The Bachelorette) I just want to take a moment and give a general disclaimer that I'm sure all of these women who signed up to pursue one man on a reality TV show are very nice. If I judge one or all of them to be crazy then I'm sure it's the editing and not how they are in real life. However, this blog will recap based solely on what is shown during each 2 hour episode so I apologize in advance if it comes across as catty or mean; it's all meant to be in good fun!

And with that disclaimer out of the way, on to the premiere of The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love!

The Wounded Bachelor
We re-meet our wounded bachelor in his comfort zone setting - the cockpit of a plane. He tells us that flying will always be a part of his life but he's ready for the fairy tale ending to his life of course. Side note: I'm not sure what fairy tales Jake's mom read to him as a child but I don't remember there being one about the "prince" going on a reality TV show to date and make out with 25 women, breaking the hearts of 24 in the process only to stay committed to 1 woman for a few months of publicity. I guess I missed that one.

After the pilot scenes we're treated to the obligatory shirtless Jake shots. Jake continues to talk about his quest for love as he cuts some lumber in his backyard. While this was a bit random I definitely preferred the shirtless lumber scenes over the shirtless shower scenes that popped up later- do we really need to see Jake lathering up his chest ABC? At least not in the first episode...

What's this now? Jake is sporting a leather bomber jacket and is hopping on a Harley? No way that Jake was really into motorcycles prior to being chosen as The Bachelor. I think learning to ride a Harley was definitely part of the agreement that Jake had to concede on in order to be chosen as The Bachelor because the ABC execs wanted as many tie-ins to Top Gun as possible. And thus the Top Gun scene of Maverick riding along the beach into the sunset was born.

Our Host tells us that women from across the country wrote in to ABC requesting Jake be the next bachelor (nevermind that most of these letters came from county mental institutions). So now it's time to meet the lucky 25 who were selected to vie for the position of Jake's co-pilot.

Let's Meet the "Ladies"
First up is Ali, an ad account exec who shares several heartbreaking stories about men who have cheated on her in the past, clearly a reality TV show is where she'll find a non-cheater. Look how well that worked out for Jillian. Next we meet Alexa the entrepreneur who is a self professed adrenaline junkie and has a Harley of her own. Classy. Next scene cuts to a woman doing gymnastics on the beach in a bikini because that's totally normal. The bikini-clad gymnast is Tenley who tearfully shares with us after her gymnastics routine that she was married once and divorced because "there was some unfaithfulness". Again, not sure why she thought dating a guy who is visibly and simultaneously dating 24 other women would help her regain trust in men...

We're then introduced to Elizabeth from DC who is a captain in the Air National Guard. It's quickly clear that Elizabeth from DC is going to be the smartest gal of the bunch and may actually be the ONLY smart one of the bunch. She admits she doesn't have much fashion sense and also is more realistic about it possibly not working out with Jake compared to the rest of the ladies who have all already picked out baby names that sound well with the last name Pavelka.

Cut to a model photo shoot with Rozlyn the blonde model being the subject. Rozlyn tells us, "I've been a model forever - maybe like 10 years." Forever...10 years...same thing. After the photo shoot we cut to Christina talking to herself in the mirror. She's giving herself compliments like "Oh I looove your shoes!". She tells us, "Most of my friends are guys so I don't really get a long with girls - I'm a guys girl so girls think I'm bitchy". Hence why she was practicing giving fake compliments in the mirror; she's going to actually try to be friends with these girls. Her effort was short lived however - more on that later.

Off to Vienna next! No, we're not going to Vienna we are meeting Vienna. Yes, that is her name. Vienna is strolling along in her bikini and heels telling us about herself when she trips. Love it. She tells the camera that the is spoiled rotten, her dad has bought her "maybe 5 cars" and yes to top it all off she has a small dog named Chloe. I know what you're thinking and the similarities are definitely there:

We enter Ashley the teacher's living room next where she is surrounded by packages of gowns and skimpy bikinis sent from her mother. We'll see later that her mom even sent costumes...

Next we cut to Megan Fox - I mean Elizabeth from Nebraska - see the similarities here too!:
She's walking down the beach in what else? A skimpy bikini of course! Elizabeth is a nanny and has been through the ups and downs of love. She is also very competitive and is therefore in it to win it, what's his name again? Doesn't matter, Elizabeth is here for 1st place...2nd place is the first loser.

The camera then pans to signs for Knoxville, Tennessee and you know a Southern accent is about to appear. Ella delivers on the accent as well as the stereotype when she tells us, "Jake reminds me of prince charming. I think it's meant to be for Jake and I to be together with my son Ethan." Ella has a son. Twist! Ella is a hairdresser and ironically has terrible hairstyles. Double Twist!

Next up - Gia who I predicted would be crazy. (I know, way to go out on a limb and predict someone on this show is crazy, right?!) Gia is a swimsuit model who has had only 3 boyfriends her whole life...and that's all I wrote down about Gia. Then we move through one liners from several different women very quickly - Emily is a fit model, Tiara is very fit, Caitlyn is a spokesmodel who thinks that her past pageant experience will help her, Kirsten isn't afraid to "cut a bitch if someone pisses her off"(seriously??), and Michelle who is 25 and ready to be married.

This concludes our preview of the ladies. I got confused for a moment and thought this season was titled "The Bachelor: Which Type of Model do You Want to Date?" because in case you weren't keeping track, in this gang we have the following: Fit Model, Spokesmodel, Swimsuit Model, and good old regular Model. It's nice to see ABC really made diversity a priority this season.

Chris & Jake Discuss the Power of Love
Our Host is standing outside the infamous Bachelor house in LA and tells us it's time for Jake to meet the ladies but first "let's hear it for....it's Jake!" (shout out to Cat Deely). Then Maverick - I mean Jake - rides up on his Harley looking totally comfortable on the two-wheeled vehicle. Ashley at the viewing party makes a brilliant observation when she questions, "Is this season sponsored by cheese-wiz?" Point for Ashley!

Chris Harrison asks Jake the normal questions, how it feels to be in this position, back at this house, does he think he'll meet his wife, etc. Then he asks Jake what would happen if one of these girls is terrified of flying, would that be a dealbreaker? At this moment I would like to congratulate myself for calling it that we would later learn at least one of the ladies in this group is currently afraid of flying. Jake's response was so fabulous that it became worthy of the title of this post. After much thought he told Chris that, "Love is more powerful than flying." And as Amy P. at the watching party pointed out, flying is pretty dam powerful.

Jake Hears the Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever
Finally it's time for Jake to meet the ladies! Rozlyn the model is first out of the limo and tells Jake that her name means "little rose" so...you know...she should get a rose. Smooth. Ali emerges next with what appears to be either a fishing pole or a large feather behind her back. She tells Jake that she is getting over a cold and barely has a voice but she brought him a present. She then reveals the object hidden behind her back and it's a...giant peacock feather!! I don't get it...from the look of Jake's face I wasn't alone. Ali explains, "Do you know what peacocks use their feathers for?" Jake remains in a blank stare. "To find a mate!" I think Jake smiles and gives a pity laugh but I'm still confused. They're not peacocks right? This is on ABC not NBC right? I still don't fully understand how Ali thought that was going to go over but I guess at some point you have to stop asking why with these girls and just nod and smile.

Next we have Jessie in a red & black saloon style dress. She saunters up to Jake and feels his arms while channeling her inner Michael Scott and asks, "Do you have a registry for these guns?" The watching party exploded into a fit of laughter while Jake just gave another pity laugh. Ella emerges from the limo next and as Jake compliments her Tennessee accent she says, "Oh you have something right there, what's that?" as she points to his chest. Jake reluctantly looks down, fearful that Ella is going to pull the old "hit your nose - gotcha" trick when he does. Sadly, Jake's fear is realized and Ella breaks out in a fit of proud laughter over her original joke that always works on her 6 year-old son. Oh Ella...are you really a hairstylist? Do you know all of your hair is on one side of your head?

Caitlyn exits the limo next and tells Jake she is a spokesmodel. I really wish Jake would have responded with, "Like on Star Search?? Did you know Ed McMahon?" Unfortunately he did not. The brains of the group Elizabeth from DC is next and she makes a bet with Jake, she'll flip a coin and heads she stays, tails she leaves. Jake agrees, she flips the coin, Jake calls heads and....hold on to your seats...it's heads!! No way! How did that happen!?! Oh wait, Ella knows - she uses that trick on her 6 year-old son all the time too, it's a double headed coin. These women are tricky!

Alexa is next wearing some unfortunate leather gloves with her party gown. She tells Jake if she gets to fly his plane he can ride her Harley. Bad angle to take Alexa - Jake is clearly only riding the motorcycle to appease the ABC execs. Better luck next year!

Vienna bounces up to Jake next and wastes no time getting to second base - "I want to feel this famous 6-pack of abs I've heard about". Jake lifts up his suit jacket and Vienna grazes the abs. She then tells him he can feel her 2-pack later. At least she kept it in an even pack count unlike Jillian when referring to Kiptyn's infamous "9-pack".

Corrie the wardrobe consultant confidently walks up to Jake and asks, "So, what do you think about kissing me?" Jake inhales sharply, raises his eyebrows and gives a nervous smile while silently cursing ABC for recruiting from the crazy pool. Corrie, sensing his panic attack, quickly adds, "at some point later on." Jake exhales a sigh of relief and laughs nervously as he hurries her inside away from him.

Next out of the limo, my personal favorite - Kimberly the NBA dancer from Norman, OK! I silently prayed for Kimberly to be normal as she walked up to Jake. She introduced herself, gave him a hug and then said, "I'm from Oklahoma and I know you're from Texas so..." Yes! I like this girl, she's going to start singing Boomer Sooner any moment! Kimberly continues, "...I thought we could go ahead and just put our differences behind us so..." Wait, what's this - what is she doing with her hand? Don't do it Kimberly, stay loyal! As Kimberly raises her right hand she lowers her middle and ring finger along with her thumb to reveal what looks like devil's horns and says "...hook 'em horns!" Well way to go Kimberly you just went from first to last in my book - join the other crazies in the house!

After I woke up from passing out over the blatant disregard for school loyalty as exhibited by Kimberly, Valishia the homemaker was putting some dirt from Texas in Jake's hand. Awesome. Next was crazy Gia who forgot the top of her dress so her chest was pretty much just bare. Megan Fox - I mean, Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska - was next. She took Jake's hands and asked him to close his eyes and imagine his favorite place. Jake responds too enthusiastically, "Right here!!" Elizabeth opens her eyes and says, "Seriously dude? Standing outside this house meeting 25 women is your favorite place? Get a life"...or something like that. And then tells him her favorite place is snowboarding. He tries to backpedal and tells her he likes to ski but Elizabeth is still pissed her favorite place trick didn't go as planned.

And here comes Channy! Oops - Channy forgot the bottom of her ballgown...or maybe Channy just wanted Jake to see her fanny!! Sorry I couldn't resist. Channy tells Jake something in Cambodian that he says sounds beautiful. She tells him to find her inside later to learn what she said to him. The best moment of the night ensued when he did find her...more on that later.

Ashley was next and pulled out some sort of twister wheel devise with pictures of Jake and herself modge-podged all over it. Apparently this was the wheel that Jake was supposed to use for his "picker" so he would always pick her. Ashley gave a thank you wink to her mom for financing her wardrobe and for coming up with that clever picker idea.

Oh there's more...Christina next exited the limo with a large basket. Jake asked what the gifts were for and she said that they were packages of sweet candy for all the other girls. Just when Jake starts to assume that Christina is breaking reality TV rule #1 ("Do not go on a reality TV show to make friends and announce that you are not there to make friends as much as possible"), Christina reveals that they are parting gifts since all the other girls will be leaving. Burrrn!! Jake laughs and lets Christina go inside to meet her new friends. Once inside Christina shared her gifts of sweet goodies with the ladies and then revealed the motive behind the gifts. Someone was on to her tricks and commented that the "jellybeans were likely infused with laxatives."

Ashleigh was next out of the limo but as she walked from the limo to Jake she tripped and miraculously fell directly into Jake's arms. The watching party rewound twice and it was concluded that it was in fact a planned trip and fall. (This was confirmed on Chris Harrison's blog on EW). Kirsten told Jake that she wanted to slap Jillian for breaking Jake's heart and that he needs to find her inside because her best friend and her have something they want to show him. Whaaat?? Does Kirsten have an imaginary best friend who she thinks is there??

Stephanie the dance instructor requests that Jake give her the first dance inside. Then Sheila the pilot walks up sporting aviators and reveals that she's a pilot too! And finally (whew!) Michelle emerges from the limo and becomes an airplane as she zig zags back and forth with her arms outstretched while making an airplane sound. When she lands at Jake she tells him that she is ready to be his co-pilot. Jake responds with, "Oh have you ever flown a plane?" Michelle responds with, "I...ummmm....I....er-....I...would....love...to...be...a....passenger...in...your...plane." Hmmm - I'm guessing Michelle didn't think her opening line all the way through.

That Means What in Cambodian??
Once Jake has met all the women Chris Harrison comes outside to make sure that he's not too mad at the level of crazy this season. He asks Jake how he feels and Jake says, "I'm so excited"...Amy P. adds "also a little drunk".

Inside the house Jake first steals Ali away and it's clear that the cocktail party has already been in full gear for quite some time because she trips on her dress outside going up the steps. It causes her dress to rip slightly at the bottom and clearly embarrassed she tells Jake, "Oh my gosh - I am THAT girl!" No honey, you're actually the third girl we've seen trip in this short hour although you are the first to rip your dress." Corrie steals Jake away from Ali to ask him about his priorities. But it's not long before Channy enters to steal Jake away!

Once alone, Channy again says the Cambodian phrase to Jake. He again says it sounds nice. She then takes his hands into hers and says, "What I said to you was, 'You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.'" WHAAAATTT???? The watching party again exploded into laughter and jaws dropped at Channy's aggression. There were then several comments made regarding Channy being either Brazilian or Cambodian...we'll leave it at that.

Costumes and Football
Ella steals Jake away from Channy and I don't think I've ever seen Jake look more relieved. She reveals to him that she has a son and he wants to be a pilot when he grows up too. See how that's perfect? Cut to Ashley the teacher taking out a flight attendant costume from a suitcase in one of the rooms. That's right -she's dressing up as a '60s flight attendant complete with short skirt to get Jake's attention. Ashley thanks her mom again for the great idea and then says hi to her students as the camera pans in on how short her skirt is. She steals Jake away from Ella and then shares with Jake that she must have a big head because the flight attendant hat doesn't fit her. Jake says sarcastically, "That must mean you're smart." Ashley doesn't detect the sarcasm and enthusiastically says, "Yes! That's it - it's my big brain!!"

Enter Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska with a football in her arms. She asks Jake if he wants to throw it around in the front yard. Jake has to take a deep breath and seriously consider this because if he accepts he's fully aware that he will no longer be able to hide the fact that he actually doesn't throw a football very well. He decides if women start to mock the way that he throws the ball he'll just take off his shirt and reel them back in with the power of his abs.

Elizabeth and Jake are throwing the ball around - correction, Elizabeth is throwing the ball, Jake is sort of flailing the ball - when all of the sudden the rest of the girls come out in their gowns to play a real game - Blondes vs. Brunettes of course. I want to commend the makers of Hollywood Fashion Body Tape because thanks to their product everything stayed in place as the girls ran and jumped for the ball. The game ended with Jake running the ball inside, chased by 25 women of course.

Blast from the Past
Chris Harrison enters and announces the first impression rose is on the table and up for grabs. This increases the level of tension and thus the level of crazy in the house. Michelle states, "It will kill me if I don't get the first impression rose. I deserve Jake." Rozlyn the model compassionately tells her, "I hope that works out for you." Vienna steals Jake away to feel her heart and then her leg but is interrupted by Stephanie who has come to teach Jake how to two step. Meanwhile Michelle continues her mental breakdown and begins crying because she has not had enough one-on-one time with Jake. Once Michelle pulls herself together in the bathroom she makes her way to Jake and lays it all out there. "I am here to be the one - the copilot, I am here for love," she says in a tone that sounds very fatal attraction-ish. Jake tells her that's sweet to which she responds, "No, it's not about being sweet, it's about being honest." Red Flags all over this girl!!

In honor of the Red Flag King Wes I pasted Michelle's head over his pic from last season

Our Host enters the room once again and announces that some of Jake's "old friends" are here to help Jake make his decision. I silently hoped for it to be Reid and Kiptyn but alas, Ed & Jillian then entered the room. Jillian in a recycled dress she's already worn on a TV appearance and Ed looking how Ed always looks...surprised to be there. Chris Harrison announces that "our successful couple" will be interviewing the girls and giving Jake their thoughts. Do you think Jake really wanted thoughts from this guy?
While Ed & Jill interview the couples outside Christina takes this opportunity to play airplane with Jake. Tenley then steals him away and recites "10 things about 10ley" so that Jake can get to know her. I think it was when she got to "I"m a cuddlebug" that I threw up a little in my mouth, Number 10 was, "I'm a great kisser" which was followed by her asking if she could give Jake a peck to show him how true it was. Jake agreed to the kiss and then 10ley immediately regretted it because she felt like ti was too awkward and she had only kissed one other guy (her ex-husband). Which begs the question, how could she declare herself a good kisser if she had only kissed one other guy? That's a pretty small sample size to be declaring yourself good at something...

Ed & Jill gave their thoughts to Jake which went something like this, "Elizabeth from Nebraska is the hottest - give her the first impression rose. Michelle is crazy stalker, get rid of her." Proving that they are not in fact old friends Jake chose to disregard both pieces of advice. Instead he gave the first impression rose to 10ley.

Deliberation Room
Chris Harrison enters which means it's time for Jake to deliberate. They enter the deliberation room which this year has them sitting on some sort of couch chair thing that forces them to basically same-side-sit. Awkward. Jake says that the fake flight attendant is perky, Channy is aggressive, and even though Ali is scared of flying - again, love is more powerful than flying. (tear)

Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Jake begins his first rose ceremony on the other side by saying, "If you don't receive a rose tonight just know it's not personal." How is that not personal? Is he trying to give them the "It's not you, it's me line?" I think that only works when you're not still dating 15 women and excluding 10. Roses are handed out to: Ella the single mom from Tennessee, Elizabeth the competitive nanny from Nebraska, Ali the one who is scared of flying and ripped her dress, Vienna the one who is spoiled rotten, Christina the guys-girl, Gia the crazy swimsuit model, Ashley the teacher who dresses in skimpy flight attendant costumes, Rozlyn the model who gets by on her good looks, Jessie the gun show line girl, Corrie the kiss me now line girl, Valishia the girl who put dirt in Jake's hand, Ashleigh the fake tripper, Kathryn the real flight attendant in the purple tutu, and Michelle the stalker (who kissed her rose when she received it - anyone else think of Gollum and his precious?)

And finally with that we have the end of the season premiere! Sorry for the length of this recap, there was just too much crazy to leave any of it out. As our friend Carrie texted from her own satellite watching party, "This could not be more over the top if we were at 37,000 feet!" So true Carrie! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog, the always hilarious Pop Watch recap, and the incredibly funny Lincee's blog. See you next week for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!

Prepare for Departure

Fasten your seat belts - as I'm sure you know, the season premiere of "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" is upon is. Can you contain your excitement? To be honest I'm struggling to keep my eyelids open at the moment so my excitement level isn't quite what it usually is for these types of premieres. I'm hoping that as the hour draws near the adrenaline will kick in. :)

So as promised but very late from the original date promised, here are some random thoughts and predictions on the "ladies" this season:

First, an interesting observation. There are two Elizabeth's this season however instead of using the first letter of their last name to distinguish between them they used their respective cities on the website. I'm thinking either they have the same first letter of their last names or one of them is leaving tonight thus there will no longer be two Elizabeth's in the house. My prediction is that Elizabeth from Nebraska stays and that she actually stays around a while. She has the brunette All-American look:

Second, I'm very interested to hear the history behind this lady's name...meet Channy:
I am assuming that her name is pronounced like "fanny" but with a Ch instead of the F. Although I guess the ch could also have the K-sound so it could be pronounced K-anny. Either way I like Channy's necklace and I like to type her name because it makes me smile. If Channy makes it through tonight prepare for me to type her name several times on this blog.

Next up we have Valishia who is a homemaker by day. That's right, her occupation is listed as homemaker. Valishia is now my hero because I've been trying to find out how to quit my job and be a homemaker on no income for years. I truly hope Valishia shares her secret with us tonight.

Wait a second, forget Valishia's homemaker job! I'd rather hear secrets on how Corrie became a "Wardrobe Consultant" as well as who exactly is paying her to consult them. Especially after considering that she chose this Victoria's Secret pajama-like tank top number for her profile pic.

Finally, based on profile pictures alone I am going to predict that the following contestants are either extremely crazy and/or are "here for the wrong reasons":

Gia: definitely looks like she has crazy/glaring jealous eyes.

Kirsten: I'm betting she thought she was auditioning for Miss America, not The Bachelor.

Ashleigh: Definitely signed up just to lay out by the pool all day working on her golden bronze tan that will look awesome when paired with shiny orange shirts from Wet Seal.

As for predicting the winner based solely on a photo I'm going with Kimberly:
Why? Because she is from Norman, OK! Who doesn't love people from Norman? I can't think of anyone...

Hop on over to abc.com yourself to check out the rest of the crazies - I mean ladies. The description of tonight's episode also says that Ed & Jillian help Jake narrow it down to 15 tonight. Here's hoping that Ed sports the shorty shorts one more time...

More links to get you in the spirit: Our Host Chris Harrison is interviewed by EW here, and Lincee at I Hate Green Beans has a great video clip here. Prepare for departure into crazy-land!