Stranger Danger

Last night in a strange twist ABC decided to pull in “Lost” fans by giving us a flash-sideways episode. In the flash-sideways world Angry Dave from last season’s bachelorette is actually Craig M. and Man-Code-Breaker Juan is actually Weatherman Jonathan. See the similarities?:

As a Lost fan I am embracing the flash-sideways and running with the similarities; which means that (Spoiler Alert!) Matthew Fox, a.k.a. Jack Shephard, will actually be the chosen one in the end.


We open the show with the Jacob of The Bachelorette, our host Chris Harrison. He tells the guys (who are drinking morning mimosas apparently) that not everyone will get a date this week and then delivers the card for the first one on one date which goes to….Big Personality Frank!

All Signs Point to Love...or Hollywood
Ali gets ready for her date wearing a tank top in her signature yellow color and tells us she’s ready for her second chance at love. She walks into the bachelor pad to pick up Frank and finds that all the other guys are out by the pool. The Lost tie-ins continued because upon seeing weatherman Jon’s gray swim trunks pulled clear up to his belly button I had a flashback of Ed’s terrible shorty green shorts.

Ali tells Frank she has a surprise for him and then escorts him out front to the driveway where a cool old car is waiting. She then tells him she’s driving – fun surprise! Our happy couple is driving along the congested highways of LA when Frank perfectly foreshadows trouble ahead by saying, “I’m in a beautiful car with a beautiful girl – what could go wrong?” I’ll tell you what could go wrong Frank; the ABC masterminds need as many dramatic twists as possible so they’ve rigged the car to ‘suddenly’ break down. Twist! Ali and Frank sit in the car for a while talking about how strange it is that it broke down and how they don’t know how to fix it from inside the car. Then they decide to ditch the cool old car and walk along the congested highway to find other transportation.

They take a cab to Hollywood and then are stalked by paparazzi. In another twist they decide to join in with the paparazzi and take pictures of each other making silly faces. Crazy kids.

Back at the bachelor pad drama continues as Craig R. takes issue with Rated-R Justin again because he thinks he’s (all together now) not here for the right reasons. Craig R. tells us he’s going to call him Rated-‘I don’t believe what you say’. Catchy.

Ali and Frank hop out of a cab near a trail and Ali explains to him in a low voice for some reason that, “no one gets to do this!” They then hike down to the Hollywood sign which I did think was actually pretty cool. Frank wins the first kiss of the season as they sit near the bottom of the sign. I’m thinking Frank is staying around a while…which is not good news for Emily at the watching party seeing as his explosive energy makes him her nemesis.

As evening approaches they share some cupcakes on the hood of the old car that has magically been fixed and transported to them. Ali presents Frank with the rose which smells dramatically as she tells us in a voice over that no matter what happens this season she’s already met a guy who made her believe that everything she’s looking for is possible. Anyone else think Ali’s moving a tad fast here?

Calendar Boys
Again back at the bachelor pad we learn it’s time for the group date announcement. We also learn as Aimee at the watching party noted that there are lots of necklaces with this season’s crop of bachelors. Winners of a group date are: Craig M., Jonathan, Ty, Tyler V., Hunter, Craig R., Steve, Kirk, Rated-R Justin, John C., Chris N., and another guy I can’t remember. Craig M. then makes fun of Jesse’s tattoos and a near fight has to be broken up by the other guys. It’s here I started having the flash sideways to Angry Dave from last season…

Ali is waiting for the guys in Malibu while wearing a bikini top and pants…because that’s a completely normal outfit. The guys jump out of the van and Ali takes them down the beach for details on their date. Unfortunately Rated-R Justin has to hop all the way down on one foot since his other foot is in a cast. Once down at the beach Ali tells the guys they’ll be posing for a photographer to have their picture included in a calendar with proceeds going to charity. After the 5 minute announcement they head back up the beach and we see poor Rated-R Justin hopping back up the beach.

The guys learn they’ll be wearing swimsuits that are worse than green shorty-shorts. I know - I didn’t think it was possible either but I guess that’s what I get for complaining. Most are in speedos or some form of swimwear with way too little fabric. Weatherman Jonathan rightfully has major anxiety over wearing, as he put it, “the bottoms to Ali’s bikini top.” To deal with his nerves though he keeps the weather puns coming by saying, “The forecast for today -- a 100% chance my crotch will show.”

And speaking of the weatherman does anyone else think he looks like Tom Cruise from the A Few Good Men years? And maybe sort of acts like him in that “appears normal but really not all the lights are on upstairs” kind of way? Judge for yourself…

Craig M. continues his quest for the title of “most self-absorbed bachelorette contestant ever” as he models during his photo shoot with a sweater over his shoulders and drink in hand. During his shoot with Ali, Ty pulls out his guitar and serenades her on the beach. The other guys have flashbacks of Wes and call him cliché among other things…but we all know they’re secretly jealous.

After a fun day of taking pictures at the beach it was time to get dressed up for cocktail hour. The guys walk in to the bar and…wait…rewind the DVR, who is wearing a cinched waist white members only jacket? Weatherman!? After further studying the jacket it’s decided that a more accurate description would be a blend of: a members only jacket, a bomber jacket, the white Gap denim jacket I owned in 1992, and one of Michael Jackson’s jackets. Not a good combination, see samples below:
Ty got the first one-on-one time and used it to tell her about his previous marriage that ended months ago. She knows a few months are all you need to get over a divorce because look how well that turned out for 10ley.

Weatherman Jon in the horrifying white jacket with the collar popped explains again why he does not care for Craig M….using weather lingo of course. “Craig M. is a category six a$@#*&%,” he tells us. Then he tells us that while he is a martial arts master, he doesn’t want to get in a fight because, “This is my money maker y’all!”, while pointing to his face. It’s here I decided that both the Angry Dave and Juan reincarnates need to go.

Weatherman gets some one-on-one time with Ali where he tells her that Craig M. is dangerous and wants to be in a fight. There are a lot of words I would use to describe Craig M. but I can’t say that dangerous is on the list. I'm thinking he used 'dangerous' because this MJ song was likely on his mind while wearing his Thriller jacket. However it doesn’t really matter as Ali is not focusing on what Jon says anyway because she can’t stop staring at the atrocious white jacket.

Meanwhile back at the bachelor pad another date card comes with a gift and we learn through reading the initials engraved on the cufflinks gift that Jesse is the winner of the final one on one date. That means Chris L., Roberto, and Kasey are dateless this week.

The one-on-ones at the group date continue with Rated-R Justin hobbling down stairs to find Ali. Similar to how I can’t focus on anything Weatherman says while he’s sporting the '92 Gap jacket, I can’t focus on anything Rated-R says while he insists on keeping the soul patch below his lip.

Ali and Justin come upstairs and she decides it’s time to hand out the rose. Ty the guitar guy cliché is the winner and Rated-R Justin tells us, “Ali’s a sharp cookie – she’ll see through the guitar guy.” To which I would like to respond, really Justin!? She’s gonna see through the ‘guitar guy’ but doesn’t have anything to see past with you the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER with the ring name “Rated-R”?

Vegas Baby! (or in this case, Vegas with a 24 year-old Baby!)
Jesse applies gobs of hair gel in preparation for his date while reminding us he owns just the one suit he bought days before coming to The Bachelorette. He meets Ali at an airport where she tells him they’re getting on a private jet to fly to Vegas. She reminds us that she still has the fear of flying that she had months ago with Jake but thinks Jesse will save her should the plane go down.

They arrive safely in Vegas and Ali says she’s “pulling out all the stops for this date” as they climb into a Ferrari waiting for them at the end of a red carpet. People pretending they organize these dates when everyone knows ABC is the one pulling out all the stops is climbing higher on my list of pet peeves.

Ali and Jesse get to swim by themselves at an exclusive pool yet to be opened in Vegas…of course. She tells us, “If I like Jesse then he comes back to LA with me, if not I guess he has to stay in Vegas.” Harsh! After swimming Jesse gets dressed up in his second suit to ever own complete with charming skinny tie and cufflinks (again note thanks to ABC, not Ali). He goes to Ali’s suite where she comes down sporting a dress she surely bought at Caesars Palace…as Aimee at the watching party said, “Oh holy Greco…”

Back at the bachelor pad Craig M. is stirring up drama yet again. He comes downstairs where the guys are and presents a “weatherman fashion show” by wearing Weatherman Jon’s gray swim trunks hiked up to his belly button, his purple button down shirt, and the infamous white jacket. He then strips off the jacket to reveal large sweat stains under his armpits. The guys think it’s hilarious, Weatherman Jon is fearful that he can’t wear those spiffy clothes again because, “who knows what diseases Craig has?”

Speaking of sweating, the one-on-one date continues as Jesse sweats profusely through dinner. There was some talking, I think, but Lauren at the watching party summed up the date perfectly by commenting, “They have to be bored because they’re boring me.” Ali gives him the rose and then they head to a private club where Jamie Cullum is performing a concert exclusively for them. I do commend ABC (not Ali) for the singer selection this year.

The Most Dangerous Cocktail Party Ever
Time for the cocktail party and Ali has chosen a cute white mini dress for her second one of the season which is substantially better than her first cocktail party dress selection. She was also smart in choosing accessories by selecting the largest ring ever in case she had to throw a few punches in breaking up a Craig M. and Weatherman fight.

She spends time with the dateless guys for the week – Chris L., who again talks about how close he is with his family, Roberto, who renders Ali incapable of forming a complete sentence and also played catch with her, and Kasey who…was interrupted by Frank before he completed a sentence.

Craig M. is hassling the Weatherman again when Ali walks in and asks to see Weatherman Jon outside. Weatherman tells us he was, “like woohoo!!!” when Ali asked for alone time. Then he says, “I’m just keeping my eye on the prize… and Ali is the prize… and the rose is the prize.” Apparently there are a lot of prizes in this Bachelorette game.

Craig M. tells some of the other guys something about calling in sick again for work. His whole storyline is confusing to me and frankly so over the top I found myself on more than one occasion thinking he was a hired actor by ABC to stir up the drama. I know there are some genuinely crazy people out there but there’s something just sort of not believable about Craig M. When he does get alone time with Ali she confronts him about whether or not he is here for her because the other guys stare at her and he doesn’t. Plus someone told her that he was dangerous. Craig M. is livid that someone thinks he is dangerous and once free from talking to Ali he calls all the guys in the room to figure out who the fearful tattletale was.

“Somebody called me dangerous,” he says, “and it made me feel pretty down.” Really!? It made you feel pretty down? See what I mean – who says that? Is this real? We’re in a flash sideways, aren’t we?! He accuses the Weatherman and then the dramatic music is cued as Weatherman stands in the shadows while Craig M. walks by. Weatherman tells us, “If Craig M. gets a rose tonight then I know for sure there is no God.” With that sentence I forgave ABC for hiring Craig M. because it was totally worth it.

When I was able to stop laughing from Weatherman Jon’s qualification statement for God it was time for yet another rose ceremony. Ali gives the usual speech that she likes them all and if someone doesn’t get a rose it’s not personal even though in reality it’s nothing but personal. She gives roses to:
Kasey – Dateless this week and also…frog in throat
Hunter - Don’t remember him
Roberto – The one that makes her blush
Chris L. – The one that’s close to family and says Wicked
Justin – Rated-Soul Patch
Steve – The one that looked the best in the speedo
Kiik – Don’t remember him
John C. - Bert
Craig R. – The one that doesn’t like Rated-R
Chris N. – Don’t remember him
Jonathan – Things were finally looking rosy for the Weatherman

So with that the Craig M. – our Angry Dave wannabe is gone. But not before telling the cameras that Ali “missed a huge opportunity giving this up” while pointing to his poofy hair. Maybe he is dangerous – doesn’t everyone feel so much safer with him gone?

During the credits we got to see someone (I can’t remember who but I want to say Weatherman Jon because I’ve been conditioned to think that he says all cheesy things) make fun of Rated-R Justin’s ring name by calling him Rated-Aaarrgh…you know, like a pirate sound. Then whoever he was (likely Weatherman Jon) shared the obvious, “It’s more like Rated-PG” joke. No way Weatherman makes it past next week…

Scenes for next week show more drama and more private concerts…of course. I recommend reading Chris Harrison’s blog and of course Lincee's recap at www.ihategreenbeans.com. See you at the next Most Dramatic (but safer) Rose Ceremony!