Life Lessons

The “Men Tell All” episode is historically anticlimactic. However for some reason that doesn’t stop me from getting my hopes up every season for a fun-filled two hours of shocking revelations, surprise guests, and of course dramatic confrontations. Instead it’s always two long hours of clips we’ve seen multiple times already this season, mini confrontations that are settled in 2 minutes, and scenes for the finale that we’ve seen 32 times. So because nothing really exciting happened last night (in my opinion) today’s recap will be in the form of a Top 10 List.

“Top 10 Lessons Learned from The Bachelorette: Season 6”
One of the most watched seasons according to Chris Harrison, to which the watch party replied, "...Really?"

10. If Chris Harrison Was Not Our Host This Show Would Be Nothing.
Our Host Chris Harrison is definitely one of the highlights of the Men Tell All and last night was no different. How he keeps a straight face while hosting this show I’ll never know.

9. If You Wear Sequins on TV You Will Sparkle
Ali chose to wear a completely sequined dress with a sequin headband and sparkly earrings during her recap discussion with Chris Harrison. “Very blingy” as Julie at the watch party described. Then at the end of the show she came out with more sequins on…but that outfit will be discussed in another lesson.

8. If You Do Something Silly During Your Time on the Show You’ll Get Extra Time During the Blooper Reel!
Last night we got to watch unseen footage including:
• Rrroberto pointing the champagne bottle at Ali as he uncorked the bottle resulting in a “near death” experience for her as he put it
• Frank’s dad giving a toast using only prepositional phrases while the rest of the family kept a straight face until it was over and they all revealed it was a joke
• Ali putting on a astronaut helmet at the museum with Kasey (which apparently she had forgotten about…her foggy memory probably had nothing to do with her alcohol consumption)
• Rrroberto & Ali being interrupted by animal noises on their date
• Chris N. nicknamed “The Phantom” because of his appearing and disappearing throughout the show

7. If You Can Barely Pull Off a Celebrity Look-Alike Then Wear Clothes the Celebrity Wore in Their Hit Movies to Enhance Your Similarity.
For the love of all that is good why does the Weatherman insist on wearing always wearing a jacket?!? Really Jonathan, is it that cold in the studio!? And he doesn’t just choose any jacket but jackets that immediately imply some sort of 80’s reference. Last night it was a brown leather bomber jacket a la Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

6. If you Play Your Cards Right You Can Exit The Bachelorette With a Spiffy New Nickname.
Chris N. aka “the Phantom” got more camera time last night than he did on the whole season. Apparently that wasn’t just editing though – he really did wander off on his own for much of the show. But proving that he does in fact have a personality he unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a black t-shirt with “The Phantom” printed across mocking Justin’s “Rated-R” t-shirt reveal on the first night. Where was that personality all season? Maybe he picked up a personality while spray tanning? He’s very orange now…

5. If You Feel Guilty about Breaking Up with 22 Men then Upon Seeing All of Them Again, Wear an Unflattering Dress and Don’t Do Your Hair.
When Ali came out to talk to the guys again she chose yet another sequin dress althougth this one was a bit unflattering as the watch party observed. She also apparently closed her eyes and stuck several bobby pins in her hair and then called it an up-do. Julie at the watch party thought she might be growing dreads under the rat’s nest. When Ali was on stage Kirk told her, “I came here to fall in love and move forward with you…” and Emily finished is sentence with, “…but now that I see that hair and dress I think thank goodness that didn’t work out.” Very accurate I think.

4. If You Come Across as Crazy During Your Time on The Bachelorette it’s Best to Just Embrace it.
All the guys called Kasey crazy but then also said they love him because that’s just who he is – a legitimately crazy person that makes each of them feel more normal. His craziness was highlighted as he sang another original song for Ali when she came out on stage. That took guts for sure, I guess that’s something.

3. If You Want to Extend Your 15 minutes of Fame to 30 Minutes Find out How to Appear on Multiple Seasons.
Jessie, Ali’s “friend” from The Bachelor season with Jake, also came out to talk about how she met Rated-R’s girlfriend and heard about how the original girlfriend learned there was yet another girlfriend in the picture. (follow that?) Jessie wasn’t just going to sit on this juicy information that would secure her place in the franchise that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette so she explained how she contacted a producer and “the call” was made to inform “her friend” Ali. I’m sure this is just the beginning of Jessie’s long and fruitful Reality TV career.

2. If Going on The Bahcelorette Made You Realize You Want a Career in Reality TV But You’re Too Old for The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Don’t worry, Now You Can Star on The Bachelor Pad!
More extended scenes were shown for The Bachelor Pad which I’m just not sure I can bring myself to watch. Is there anyone on the show that doesn’t cry or makeout at some point? I think that’s what the whole show is about, right?

1. If You Are Not THE Named Bachelor or Bachelorette You Will Be Chastised for Dating More Than One Person Simultaneously.
At least 30 minutes of the show was devoted to bashing Rated-R. After seeing a clip montage of him being confronted and escaping through the bushes again we heard from all the guys about how Justin is a cuss and he cussin’ didn’t deserve to be there and how cussin’ selfish could he be? Another 30 minutes was devoted to Frank and his selfishness. Ali stated regarding Frank, “For him to come to this point and do this is so selfish.” Emily pointed out that Ali did the same thing to Jake last season but for work instead of a man. I guess that’s different…somehow.

See you next week for the dramatic season finale! For more recap fun check out Chris Harrison’s blog and the hilarious www.ihategreenbeans.com

Frank Tanked

The Official Bachelor/Bachelorette Wall of Shame inducts it’s newest member to the club today…Frank the Tank. Frank joins this infamous club due to his breaking up with Ali when everyone knows Ali is the one who is supposed to have the honor of Dump-er, not Dump-ee, this season. While it could be argued that Frank’s actions are better than fellow Wall of Shame member Jason Mesnick since he at least broke up with Ali BEFORE proposing to her, the committee believes that Frank is a fully qualified member since he went on a reality TV dating competition show while still harboring feelings for his Ex. (…and yes the committee knows there are people out there who believe just going on a reality TV dating competition show at all makes someone qualified for the Wall of Shame; however the committee does not believe this…see examples of Reid and Chris L.).

I start to get irritated at this point of the Bachelor/Bachelorette season because 2 hours is definitely too long for the show at this point. With only 3 guys left we’re forced to watch “flashbacks” of their journey on the show for the first 20 minutes. So the episode begins with Chris L. reflecting on his time with Ali – well he’s either doing that or thinking about what he’s going to eat for lunch. He’s nodding his head as he looks out at the landscape so we really have no idea what he’s thinking about.

Then we move to Rrroberto’s flashback – he ponders his time with Ali as he packs for Tahiti. He conveniently happens upon a Lion King soundtrack CD under some clothes on this bed and chuckles as he remembers when he wore spandex in front of thousands of people. All packed, Rrroberto then lies down on his bed and looks up at the ceiling while holding a baseball…of course. Male #2 at the watching party (a long time watcher, first time watch party attendee) commented that he never sits around with sports equipment pondering life so we must believe that ABC instructed Rrroberto to hold the baseball to remind us once again that he used to play Minor League baseball.

Finally we move to Frank – cue the dramatic background music. Frank tells us he came here to fall in love but feelings for his ex-girlfriend Nicole have still been brewing. He decides he must go to Chicago to confront Nicole and see if the feelings truly do exist. (Translation: he must go make out with Nicole because that’s how you know if you really have feelings, right?) In angst he tells us, “It’s killing me that I have feelings for two girls.” Emily at the watch party tells him that Ali can empathize with his feelings.

Awkward Conversation 101
Frank walks the streets of Chicago with his hands in the pockets of his Rock & Republic jeans. His stomach is at his feet and his heart is in his throat. He walks into Nicole’s building and the watching party questions if this is a college dorm. Nicole opens the door and immediately the watching party estimates her age to be approximately 22 years-old so it’s quite possible that she does in fact still live in a dorm room. Or they met at The Gap.

Frank reiterates the importance of this moment to us saying, “A lifetime of love is coming to a head.” Cue collective eye-roll from the watching party. They sit down on the couch (okay maybe it’s too nice for a dorm room – campus apartment??) and begin the most awkward conversation ever. Frank tells Nicole he’s spent the last “long while” (translation: approximately 4 weeks) fighting for Ali. Then he pauses to let that sink in…awkward silence. He continues by telling her while he’s been jet-setting around the world with Ali she has still been on his mind. Again awkward way too long dramatic pause. He reiterates the amazing time that he’s had with Ali and that he’s grown closer to her but felt like he needed to confront these nagging feelings for Nicole before continuing with Ali. Looong pause again…more awkwardness…more staring. I’m sure Nicole was thrilled to hear about his romantic adventures with this Ali person.

Nicole tells him that it makes her sick to think that she could be getting closer to someone other than her. She’s angry that he’s had this whole other life without her. Cue another long pause… then finally she slightly alters Jerry Maguire’s line and says, “I never thought someone could complete someone else but I really don’t feel complete without you.” Then they make out on the couch and the reunion is complete.

Frank tells Nicole that he has to go find Ali and break up with her. It’s going to take a lot of courage and strength and he’s scared. Nicole talks baby-talk to him and he is comforted. He’s also comforted by the free trip to Tahiti. Watch party member Male #2 sums up the whole conversation best by saying “That took a long time to not say very much.”

Taha’a
Ali is super excited to be on the island of Taha’a and is glad that she finally pronounced the island name right after hours of practice with the crew. She will now smugly correct anyone who mispronounces the name. But first she’s going to work on her swimming skills in her teeny tiny pink bikini. She jumps off the dock and swims around for a while and then steals a move from free willy as she flips her head dramatically back. Again collective eye-roll…

Rrroberto Perspires
Rrroberto unpacks in his room while wearing a light gray t-shirt that unfortunately displays his sweat quite clearly. He seems to be profusely sweating specifically in the arm pit and cleavage area. Well surely he’ll change his shirt before his date, right? Wrong – Ali knocks on the door and he happily embraces her in a sweaty hug.

They head out of the hut and around the corner to find a helicopter waiting for them (of course). They fly around the islands and Rrroberto’s sweating doesn’t seem to be getting any better. They look down and point out a lagoon in the shape of a heart. The watching party concludes it must be in the shape of an actual human heart and not the kind that you draw because it looks nothing like a typical drawn heart.

They land at the human heart lagoon and Ali reveals that she’s wearing a mismatched bikini for some reason. Is that in style? I can’t imagine it is so I’m forced to believe she got dressed in the dark. They frolic in the sand and water. Rrroberto picks Ali up and runs into the water with her but eventually just sets her down because as he quickly learns the water around the land is very shallow.

At dinner Ali has chosen to wear some sort of metallic Grecian number that seems to have quite a bit of fabric missing. Rrroberto is sweating in a long sleeve button down shirt and pants. Not the best packing job, Rrroberto. As they talk during dinner Rrroberto confesses his feelings for Ali but I am distracted by what was actually said because it’s very clear that Ali has applied glitter to her arms and chest.

The “forgo your individual room for the fantasy couple suite card” is presented and Rrroberto tries to act genuinely shocked at what the card is. He thinks they should accept the offer and (shocker) she does as well. They walk through shallow water to get to the fantasy suite/hut and the watching party questions how the camera crew will leave. It’s concluded there must be a small motor boat outside the hut in the water that the crew will eventually leave in. The camera fades to the water and with that we made it through forego card date #1.

Chris is Charming
Chris L. runs up to Ali on the boardwalk and the two hug. They head out on a boat for the day and talk about how great her visit with his family was or something like that – again I’m distracted but this time by the matching long shell necklaces they are both wearing. Ali tells Chris they’re going to a beach but the boat can’t dock there for some reason so they jump of the boat in dramatic fashion. Chris tries to swim/tread water as Ali hangs on him.

They make it to the beach and pick up oysters looking for pearls. They freak out upon finding the first one and skeptical me who’s watched maybe one too many of these seasons immediately thinks that the producers planted pearls in the oysters. Carrie at the watching party comes up with the brilliant idea that if Chris proposes he should put the ring in a oyster shell…genius!

Chris & Ali change for dinner and then walk out in shallow water to get to where the food is. Chris thinks it’s so cool they are walking through water to this hut; Ali’s over it since she just walked out there last night with Rrroberto. After dinner Ali tells Chris that she has a card for him from Chris Harrison. Chris L. says, “He’s not going to jump up in scuba gear and scare me?” To which I respond I wish!!

Chris and Ali decide to forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy couple suite (shocker) and the camera fades to the moon as they make out by the pool.

Sad Flower, Sad Girl
Frank walks down the boardwalk of Tahiti with his luggage in tow. The watching party notes he sure does have a lot of luggage to only be there for a few hours just to break up with Ali. It’s concluded that he must be flying to another island to meet the love of his life Nicole after he dumps this bachelorette chick. Or that Nicole is hiding in his room.

He has dreamed of coming to Tahiti for years, but not under these circumstances. He’s torn up about what he has to do so naturally he wants to talk to ABC’s resident counselor and friend next door, Our Host Chris Harrison. He opens the door to his hut to find Our Host smiling and ready to counsel one of this many pupils.

Frank tells Chris everything and Chris responds as though it is all brand new information to him. He tells Frank, “This is huge…how do you think she will react?” Frank questions the authenticity of Chris’ counseling degree since that is not a helpful question at all. Frank responds that he has “no idea” how Ali will react. I’m thinking he had to have at least a tiny notion of what her reaction would be. Counselor Chris continues his stellar pep talk and tells Frank that, “You're not a bad guy, but think about how you're leaving Ali. She's going to be in emotional turmoil over this heading into the most important week in her life.''

Frank decides he’s pepped up enough and tells Chris he’ll handle it from here. Ali bounces along in her off the shoulder 80’s style cover-up and tells us how happy she is to go sailing with Frank today. She knocks on the door and throws her arms around Frank as he stands there and tries not to throw-up. Male #2 at the watch party notes, “She’s not what you would call perceptive.”

Frank tells Ali, “We need to talk; I have to tell you something.” Strike 1 – the phrase no one wants to hear. They sit down as he begins talking about what a great connection they HAD and how he WAS so attracted to her from the beginning. Strike 2 – the use of past tense verbs. He continues by saying, “But (strike 3 the use of the word ‘but’) the whole time I’ve still had feelings for my ex-girlfriend.” And with that – 3 strikes, Ali’s out!

Ali looks confused and sad…she begins crying but is trying to hold it together. She remembers how pitiful her meltdown in the hall of the hotel was last season with Jake. She vowed not to have a “sit and sob” session this season. Frank continues on about how he had to go to Chicago to see Nicole and he realizes that he’s in love with Nicole, not Ali. Ali’s flower begins to wilt:

Then she rips the flower from her hair and throws it on the ground. Frank totally ruined her perfect Malibu Barbie outfit. They sit in silence and cry together. Then Ali moves from shock to anger as she tells Frank, “I gave up everything to be here! My job AND my apartment – everything!” Frank goes on the defensive and says, “So did I.” Ali swings at the perfect set up and responds with, “Apparently not everything.” Zing!

She throws her flip flops on the ground and then tells him she needs to process this so he can leave now. They hug goodbye and actually embrace for quite some time. She walks away from him onto the beach where she can resist no longer and finally sits down in the sand and sobs. Our host comes to the rescue and sits down next to Ali, reassuring her that this is going to be excellent TV.

Frank walks back down the boardwalk to the boat with his matching luggage set and reminds us yet again that he is in love with Nicole and it took coming on a reality tv show to realize it. He stands in the back of the boat as it leaves the place he always wanted to visit.

Everybody Gets a Rose!
Ali is wearing an unfortunate tie-dyed muumuu dress that can’t be helping her self-confidence at all as she looks at the 5x7 photos of Chris, Rrroberto and Frank. She picks Frank’s picture up and the watching party knows what’s next…after looking at the picture Ali then puts it back down on the shelf face-down. Chris Harrison comes in and they sit down for a deliberation counseling session.

Our Host asks her if she is upset because Frank left or because of how he left. She says it’s a little of both and that she now feels weak and unsure since they rug was totally pulled out from under her. Chris Harrison tells her he thinks it’s still important to have a rose ceremony because they still have about 10 minutes left to fill in this show that they insist on lasting 2 hours. She agrees because she still wants to make sure that Rrroberto and Chris will accept the roses.

Chris L. and Rrroberto ride up to the ceremony on separate boats. Chris Harrison tells them that Frank is not coming and he lets Ali explain why. Ali comes out in the still unfortunate muumuu and gives a vague description of why Frank left. “Frank had to take care of some things back home so he left to do that and I know he’s not for me. It is what it is.” She could have been a little more convincing on her happiness over the two remaining suitors instead of her sadness over the one that left but Rrroberto and Chris didn’t seem to care. She hands the first rose to Chris L. (wicked awesome!) and the second rose to Rrroberto (“Sweat-a-saurs Rex” as Amy P. at the watch party accurately nicknamed him)

Ali announces that they’ll be going to Bora Bora next where her family is waiting to meet them both and is already excited to be cashing in on this reality tv stuff with a free vacation!

Next week is the Men Tell All and I admit I’m excited about it – I think there’s great potential with tattoo Kasey, the weatherman, funny Craig, and crazy Craig all returning! Plus I’m sure there will be plenty of scenes for the upcoming Bachelor Pad show…can.not.wait! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog here and as always for more recap fun I highly encourage reading the hilarious ihategreenbeans.com. And finally this article on PopWatch debates whether Chris L. should be the next bachelor if Ali doesn’t pick him…I know some members of the watching party will be nominated as contestants if so!

A Few Good Men

We’re down to four men which means – Hometown Dates! I admit this is usually my favorite episode of the season. Bringing families in allows for all kinds of new characters...


Rrroberto – Tampa, Florida
Rrroberto grew up and played baseball in college or on a minor league team or something like that in Tampa – not Charleston where he currently lives. There was some debate at the watching party as I think we missed his history in Tampa. They run and greet each other and the watching party notes how “cute” it is that they ironically are wearing matching plaid Hollister shirts.

After Rrroberto is done picking up Ali multiple times he leads her to the fence of a baseball field and she acts like she has no idea what they’ll be doing. When he actually opens the fence to reveal the baseball diamond she thinks it’s a sign that he’s ready to give her a diamond ring.

He gives her a jersey with her name and his baseball number on it; again she mistakes the jersey for a marriage proposal and tells us, “I love having a jersey with Roberto's number on it. It makes me proud. I'm like a proud wife.” I’m guessing Ali’s not aware of the phrase, “putting the cart before the horse”

Rrroberto changes into his minor league baseball uniform and she LOVES it. Ali thinks there’s nothing hotter than a guy in a baseball uniform. I personally think baseball uniforms aren’t particularly flattering – anyone on my side?

They throw the ball around and it appears that Ali is somewhat athletic although as the watching party points out, it could have been several takes to get the few shots that she actually made contact with the ball.

Rrroberto then tells Ali he has a gift for her – he pulls out his laminated minor league baseball card and hands it to Ali. She swoons and tells him he’s “smokin’ hot”. He smiles knowingly. She tells us, “I never thought I’d date a guy with his own baseball card.” Let that be a lesson for the kids -- your dreams can come true if you decide to participate in a reality tv dating competition show.

Rrroberto and Ali head to his parents house to meet the family. We meet his dad Rrroberto Sr., his mom Olga, his sister Olga and his brother-in-law Peter. Yep – 2 Roberto’s and 2 Olga’s. I guess Ali is okay with naming their children Roberto and Olga. They family eats dinner and asks Ali what she noticed first about Rrroberto. Instead of being honest and saying his smokin’ hot looks she says something about how he helped with her nerves.

Rrroberto Sr. takes Rrroberto Jr. outside with Peter (the name outcast) and points out that it’s very easy to fall in love when you have just come from Portugal. Finally – someone with some common sense about this show! He wants to make sure that she makes him happy because he is a big prize. (not a big “price” which half of the watching party thought was said)

Senor Rrroberto takes Ali into the room with the trophy shrine to Junior. Then he conducts a job interview with her. “What are your life goals?” he asks. She responds with, “I’d like to own a business one day. I want to have a successful career.” Big Rrroberto tells her that little Rrroberto’s career may take him to other places, he wants to know which career would come first. Ali hits a home run and says the family would come first – whatever is best for little little Rrroberto and Olga. Big Rrroberto is won over and gives his blessing on the impending marriage that has a 25% chance of happening at this point.

Meanwhile, Rrroberto Junior’s mother Olga tells him that if he’s happy with Ali he should “propose her.” Then they speak Spanish and I am impressed. To close the visit the family and Ali all gather in the living room and salsa dance the night away.

Chris - Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Chris is on the beach with his adorable black lab “Jenny” when Ali pulls up in the Tahoe. She runs over to greet Chris and reaches down to greet Jenny who’s running toward her. Unfortunately for Ali she is rejected as Jenny runs right past her toward the Tahoe.

Chris and Ali walk along the beach – Ali in her high heel leather boots; make that two pairs of boots that Ali has destroyed on her Bachelor/Bachelorette stint. Then they head back to Chris’ parents house and look at pictures around the house of his family. It’s clear this is going to be a very emotional hometown date.

They sit in rocking chairs on the porch and pretend it’s the end of the work day. Chris says he needs a beer and Ali responds with, “Oh I have one in my purse”. Apparently Ali’s imaginary job encourages a BYOB work environment. Then Chris gets serious and tells her he wouldn’t be bringing her back to meet his family if he didn’t like her and was sure they would like him. I’m starting to think that Chris is too real for reality TV.

Ali and Chris walk into the house to wait for the rest of the family to arrive. When Chris’ dad Ed walks he says, “Gee Whiz” upon seeing Ali. And with that Ed wins the title of “most endearing dad on the hometown dates.” The rest of the family comes in – Chris’ brother Mark, his wife Meagan and his brother Eric with his fiancée Sara.

Ali and Chris present the family with the wine they bought in Portugal. The sisters-in-law point out that Ali is wearing the Dennis bracelet. They both have Dennis bracelet’s as well and also have the one that Chris’ mom used to have. The family motto “Love is the only reality” is engraved on his mom’s. Julie at the watching party immediately decides what her next facebook status update will be…and let’s be honest – what her life motto will be as well.

The family eats dinner together and laughs a lot. They ask what first drew Ali to Chris and she says the fact that he’s from Massachusetts. Very romantic. After dinner the sisters-in-law take Ali outside for a chat. They’re both brunettes so they’re not sure about this blonde fitting in until the see her dark roots that have yet to be touched up – then they see who she really is and decide she’ll fit right in.

Then Chris’ dad Ed gets to talk to Ali alone and the whole conversation confirmed that Chris’ family is definitely too real to be on this reality TV show. Chris and his dad have a moment outside to talk about what his mom might have thought of Ali. The whole hometown date was honestly the best one I’ve seen on this show. And by ‘best’ I mean most normal. And by normal I realize the bar for normalcy on this show is very low.

The family says tearful goodbyes to each other and Ed says, “You could just stay...” to which Chris replies, “Don’t worry – we’ll be back soon.” Ali, if you mess this one up I’m pretty sure America will turn against you.

Kirk – Green Bay, Wisconsin
Ali runs to greet Kirk and yells “Kirkeeeee!” Not sure when that nickname started but I’m hoping for Kirk’s sake it doesn’t stick. The first stop on this hometown date is with Kirk’s dad Pete, his stepmom and adopted sister (who’s names I do not remember). Kirk & Ali walk into the house and several observations are made immediately, “Wow – plates – a lot of plates” said Emily at our watching party (referring to the large number of chotcki plates lining the walls of the living room). The satellite watching party in Dallas noted that Kirk’s dad is a dead-ringer for Napoleon Dynamite’s Uncle Rico:
Good call satellite watching party!

They all sit and chat in the living room and then Uncle Rico says, “Hey Ali, would you like to see my basement?” And with that Kirk’s dad wins the title of “creepiest sentence ever stated on TV”. Ali nervously consents and heads down the stairs with Uncle Rico to find…lots of dead animals on the walls. Her expression is priceless. It’s a mix of shock, horror and confusion. Uncle Rico tells Ali he’s a taxidermist so he stuffs dead animals for a living. Ali tells us she likes animals, but likes them to be alive.

She asks how many of these things he’s done and he guesstimates about a thousand. Her eyes grow wider. He points out the different types of animals on the walls – buffalo, deer, fish – and even a caribou foot with red eyes that he attached to create his own animal. Neat-o. Ali then gets a look in the freezer which she tells us is full of, “'frozen dead animals along with the family’s frozen snacks like popsicles and other frozen treats.”

Ali and Uncle Rico move to another part of the basement or another room – it’s unclear. What is clear is the camera shot of a mold of a squirrel holding an acorn behind Ali’s shoulder. Uncle Rico reminds Ali that Kirk hasn’t brought many women home, the watching party understands why. Ali rises to the occasion though and looks past the dead animals (literally) to have a good conversation with Uncle Rico.

Next up Ali is meeting Kirk’s mom, grandma Arlene, and sister. The first thing the watching party notices is that Jessie (the girl from last season who is also friends with Rated-R’s girlfriend) has inspired Kirk’s mom to try the bump-it.

The girls and Kirk have a nice dinner and compliment Arlene on her cooking. Afterward Ali and Kirk’s mom talk about all that Kirk went through with his illness. His mom pulls a very tattered Livestrong bracelet out of her pocket and explains that she started wearing it when Kirk got sick and never took it off. The day that Kirk left to go to the Bachelorette his mom woke up to find that the bracelet had broken off during her sleep. She thought it was a sign that this was a new beginning – a new chapter for Kirk.

Kirk tells us he’s 1,000% on board with Ali and has totally fallen for her. I think since ABC showed us how on board Kirk is it means this is the end of Kirk.

Frank – Chicago, Illinois
Frank strolls along the streets of Chicago in his super sweet party cardi with an unfortunate white scoop neck t-shirt underneath. No wait – is that a stretchy white tank top? Whatever it is it’s showing off Frank’s man cleavage so the watching party naturally had to pause the DVR to debate what he was wearing under the cardigan. By the end of the date it was concluded that it was a tank top. And it was also concluded it was a poor choice.

Anyway – so Ali sees Frank and starts running toward him. He does more of a jog toward her. Red Flag #1. They tour Chicago by boat and take more obligatory pictures of themselves. Frank is visibly stressed out about something – when Ali questions him he complains again that this “process is messing with his head.” He tells her, “I mean I could think we're great and then you send me home tomorrow." I’m confused- how did Frank not know the premise of this show before he signed up?

As the satellite watching party noted – Frank played the “mind games” card last week; apparently he knows it works because then Ali tries to convince him to just remember she likes him and he likes her too. Emily at the watch party suggests the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” might be a helpful read.

After the boat ride and counseling session, Frank and Ali head to his parents house where we meet dad Hank, mom Debbie, sister Becky, and brother-in-law Chris. As the family eats dinner, Debbie comments that Ali and Frank have “the look” which is of course important for successful relationships. They ask Ali how many other hometowns she’s been on and she replies with, “I saved the best for last.” Frank winces a nervous smile…man this girl has some blinders on…

Debbie spends some time talking to Ali after dinner and they both agree that she fits right in. Meanwhile inside Frank, Becky and Chris have moved to a Chinese restaurant. Oh wait – no, that’s just a different part of the living room that looks like a Chinese restaurant. Frank then tells Hank that it’s hard for him to “deal with all the elements”. Hank may or may not realize the elements include some other girl that apparently we won’t get the full story on this week.

Frank walks Ali out to the car and she clings to him as she reminds him how much she likes him. He looks off in the distance as someone from the second floor looks out the window down on them. Was it Debbie? Becky? Or the other woman!?!

Deliberation with Our Host
Ali exits the limo in a light pink prom dress with roses all over the front. Roses on the front Ali, really!? Don’t you think that’s a tad cliché? Our host goes through a recap of the hometown dates with Ali. Basically we learn:

Rrroberto: She thought she didn’t deserve him at first, now realizes he just wants to find love and a family too. Plus he looks smokin’ hot in a baseball uniform. And it doesn’t hurt that he has his own baseball card.

Chris: They took a big step forward this week but Ali wonders if it’s too late

Kirk: Ali is confident that he wants to be with her, she is not confident that he’s best for her

Frank: She admits they can be off and on at times but really likes him when they’re on…and when he’s not complaining about mind games.

Ali begins getting choked up at the thought of sending one of the men home. Our Host tells her again she must eliminate one of them; they can’t end the show with her dating all four men despite her pleas.

The Saddest Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali enters the rose ceremony looking very distressed:

They guys are looking pretty nice – Frank has chosen to wear some sort of hoody/jacket combination but the tank top is gone so I’m not complaining. Rrroberto is sporting the loose tie again.

She tells the guys that she doesn’t want to do this but as Our Host has reminded her she is under contract to break up with one of them tonight. After a deep breath she hands roses to:

Rrroberto – Did you see he had his own baseball card?

Chris – Smart move Ali, you’re safe with America for now

Frank – Thanks to the previews we know what’s coming next week…drama!

Our Host tried his best to shine spotlights on the waving red flags above Frank but alas, it was Kirk who eventually had to take a moment and say his goodbyes. Kirk walks Ali out and it’s really sad…he is very classy and tells her how disappointed he is because he really put himself out there. Ali asks for a hug then says goodbye. Julie at the watching party tells Kirk’s mom to tape the Livestrong bracelet back on…

After regaining composure she goes back in to the house and tells the guys that they’re off to Tahiti next week! Scenes again show Frank telling Ali something and Ali sobbing...I’m kind of sick of that scene and it hasn’t even happened yet.

Check out Our Host’s blog here for a deleted scene from Chris’ hometown date and of course www.ihategreenbeans.com for more recap fun! See you next week for the ugly crying fest!

5th of July Fireworks (Brought to you by Jake & Vienna)

The Break-Up Special started very tranquil. Our Host Chris Harrison came out and explained while The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has produced many successful couples (including the golden couple who are happily married with kids) it has also produced some vicious breakups, not the least of which we are about to witness.

Jake came out and told Chris he wanted to fight for the relationship but it got to a point where he empathized with REO Speedwagon because he’d forgotten what he started fighting for. Except kind of the opposite because he couldn’t remember why he wanted to be with Vienna in the first place, that’s why he quit fighting. And he was sad to stop fighting for the relationship as you can see from his sad face here:
Vienna joined Jake and Our Host and told Chris what she’d already told Kevin from Entertainment Tonight as well as several tabloids – that Jake didn’t pay any attention to her at home and he had a bit of a temper. Jake then told Vienna, “I’m so mad at you – I’m so disgusted with you right now.” And then the fireworks started! A back and forth of accusations and insults began. With that – I present my top 10 quotes from the slugfest:

Vienna: “Can we get a polyOgraph test here!? Does anyone have one of those machines?”

Our Host: “Clearly this was going to hell in a hand basket in a hurry.”

Jake: “Just let me know when you’re done, then I’ll start”

Our Host: “Was Dancing with the Stars a bad thing?”

Our Host (to Vienna): “So after this interview will you disappear?”

Jake: “I didn’t ring this bell Chris, but I’m forced to be here because it’s been rung.”

Vienna: “How can you get sick of someone in 6 months?”

Vienna (while interrupting Jake): “What’s undermine – what is that, can you give an example?”

Vienna: “I’ve never even picked up a tape measure- I don’t know what a tape measure is”

Our Host: “We don’t really care about the dog.”

Vienna eventually stormed off and quit the interview. Emily at the watching party thinks the whole thing was staged but I’m not so sure. I think what really happened is this…back when Jillian was the Bachelorette an aspiring actor named Jake Pavelka applied to be on the show because any TV time is good TV time right? He told producers he would rat out evil Wes in exchange for the title of the next Bachelor – thus even more TV time. He went through the motions on The Bachelor but knew all along he had to pick the most controversial contestant to further his 15 minutes of fame. So he picked Vienna who I think actually liked him for some reason and who I believe was genuine about who she was with him the whole time -- bless her heart. So after he picked controversial Vienna he got the Dancing with the Stars gig and kept Vienna around long enough to make it believable and then agreed to this break-up special to get more TV time and to highlight Vienna’s craziness.

That’s what I believe happened however I have no evidence to support my theory. Regardless, I've come to the conclusion that both Jake and Vienna are crazy…as is anyone who signs up for this show. But then you gotta love them, right - because what else would we watch!?!

Portugal: The Land of...Castles

This week’s stop on Ali’s journey around the world to find real life love is Lisbon, Portugal. The five remaining guys walk up to Chris Harrison in a town square – Frank in a t-shirt with a very large anchor on it, Chris L. in one of his many Element t-shirts, and Ty in a v-neck again to show off one of his many sweet necklaces. Our Host explains there are 4 dates this week; the guys quickly do some math to conclude that there must be a 2 on 1 date this week. Chris confirms they are correct but explains no roses will be handed out until the rose ceremony and reminds them if they do get a rose this week that means they get a hometown date next.

They head to their hotel and read the first date card which goes to…Rrroberto!

One on One Date: Rrroberto
“Come be the King of my Castle”
Ali has chosen to wear a very mini sequined skirt for her outing in Portugal with Rrroberto. Of course. This season of The Bachelorette must have Canon as a sponsor because yet again we have a date that consists of taking pictures. Ali and Rrroberto jump off benches and take pictures of each other. Then they stop in the middle of the street and start making out while the people of Portugal shake their heads. Ali tells us, “Life may not be a fairy tale but I’m starting to think love can be.” The people at the watching party shake their heads.

Ali takes Rrrroberto to “her” castle next. They sit on the steps and talk about how much they like each other. The consensus at the watching party is that she is still intimidated by Rrroberto’s hotness. She asks questions about his family since she’s planning on meeting them next week. He says his mom will cook Spanish food. She says she needs to learn how to cook food. I tell her to read the Pioneer Woman. The date concludes with the happy attractive couple looking over the sunset from their castle.

Two on One Date: Frank and Ty
“Let’s Find our Future in the Past (at a castle of course)”
Ali stands in an open field and explains the 2 on 1 date could potentially be awkward at this point. Potentially must mean definitely in her mind. Frank and Ty walk up to her and – wait, what’s that on the back of Ty’s shirt?!? The watching party gasps in horror at the black button down that Ty has chosen to wear when some sort of large screen-printed design is revealed on the back. The Affliction clothing worn by UFC fighters came to mind...Ed Hardy also came to mind. Neither one are good things to have in your mind.

Frank, Ty, and Ali hop in a helicopter and head to yet another castle in Portugal. Emily at the watch party notes that Ali seems to have completely conquered her fear of flying. So now ABC can add “overcome phobias” to the long list of benefits that being on this reality TV dating competition show provides.

Once at the castle they walk around and Ty spots a deer. Since Frank is closest to him he grabs his arm to stop and look at the deer and then Ali comes back to see what the two are looking at. Not uncomfortable at all. Three’s Company then sit down for dinner and awkward silence takes over. Ty even labels it as “wow…tension.” They struggle through dinner and then Ali takes Ty away for some one-on-one time.

She asks for further clarification on his traditional views and what his family will think of her having her own career. Ty responds with, “It tickles me that you have a plan and ambition and know what you want.” Ali isn’t pleased that the fact that she wants to have a job “tickles him.” The watching party isn’t pleased with the very large almost choker style necklace Ty insists on wearing.

Frank gets some one-on-one time next and as they sit in a tree she asks him questions about his family. He takes this opportunity to tell her that he’s really close with his family…not just emotionally but literally very close because he actually lives with his parents. He quickly reminds her that he was adventurous and spontaneous when he quit his job to move to Paris for 6 months. While that was a romantic idea it maybe wasn’t the most practical seeing as he now has to live with his parents and work at Banana Republic to make some money. He didn’t tell her this prior to tonight because he didn’t want her to “pre-judge” him. She is totally okay with the fact that he’s living with his parents and then starts either playing with the buttons on his shirt or actually unbuttoning them. I had to look away. When I looked back the camera had zoomed in on Frank and Ali holding hands so we got a nice shot of his sweet thumb ring for the fade to commercial.

One-on-One Date: Kirk
“Once Upon a Time”
We see Ali waiting in another town square for Kirk. Amy P. accurately describes Ali’s outfit by exclaiming, “Whoa – that shirt has a necklace built in!” Kirk and Ali sit at an outdoor table drinking beer and discussing what Kirk’s family will be like if Ali meets them. Ali is visibly distracted which Kirk thinks is because she has such an important decision to make this year. The watching party thinks it’s because she’s hungover.

A horse drawn carriage then pulls up by their table and Ali tells Kirk their ride has arrived. They hop in the buggy and swap their beer for wine. Their final destination is yet another castle for dinner. Ali emerges from the castle wearing a sequined strapless dress with a white blazer. Comments start flying from the watch party:

Aimee: “Whoa – Dr. Quinn!”

Emily: “This is Portugal not Miami Vice”

Amy P: “Don Johnson wants his jacket back”

Needless to say the white blazer was a very questionable choice…although you know Jonathan the jacket-loving Weatherman would have been all over that. During dinner Ali’s insecurities surface again; she tells Kirk, “I struggle…” and Amy P finishes her sentence with “…drinking.” Which actually would have been a very appropriate sentence.

But Ali instead shares about her struggle to believe that she’s enough. Thankfully Kirk channels his inner Chris Harrison counselor skills and tells her that he knows who he is, knows he’s deserving of love and is confident that she is as well. Ali’s fears disappear and they head downstairs to hear Sophia Loren serenade them while they make out.

One on One Date: Chris L.
“Love Gets Better with Age”
For her final date of the week the watching party is hoping that Ali will get to see some other part of Portugal that does not involve a castle. Ali is excited about this date with Chris but also has high expectations for him to open up because she feels like their relationship has progressed slower than the other ones in the 6 weeks she has been dating all these boys. She’s worried Chris is getting stuck in the friend zone.

Ali walks over to a moped scooter parked on the side of the street and explains to Chris L. that this is their ride for their date. Chris gets visibly nervous and tells the camera, “I’ve never driven one of these things - I can’t be the dude that kills the bachelorette- that’s not gonna look good at all.”

They fasten their helmets and are off…well, slowly off anyway. Chris L. drives very slow along the streets and gets passed by many cars as they poke along. Ali laughs at his caution and CC notes that the scene looks very familiar to this one:

They finally pull over near the top of a hill to switch places so Ali can drive. She peels out as Chris hangs on for dear life. Eventually they end up at a winery (points to CC for calling it based on the date description card). Unfortunately the motorcycle helmet did something to Chris L.’s hair so he’s got a little bed head look going on. Ali asks more questions about his family and then suggests they get a bottle of wine for his dad. I’m thinking Chris L. is getting a rose…

Chris tells Ali that he has a gift for her; he’s actually had it since the beginning but since it’s a sentimental gift he wanted to make sure he actually liked her before just handing it to her upon meeting. He pulls a cloth jewelry case out of his pocket and tells her his dad’s friend makes bracelets and actually had made one for his mom as well which is why it’s meaningful to him. He presents her with what he calls a “Dennis Bracelet” and then struggles to put it on her wrist because he’s clearly nervous. So cute. Ali loves the gift and loves that he waited to give it to her. Major points.

They walk outside and then the next shot of them is with their legs intertwined while lying in the grass. Chris has definitely moved out of the friend zone.

The Fastest Rose Ceremony Ever
I hope that ABC realizes 1.5 hours is plenty of time for an episode because I loved cutting to the chase at the end of this one. No cocktail party again, no deliberation room – straight to the roses. Our Host Chris Harrison must be trying to embrace culture or something because in a rare bad fashion choice he’s wearing a tie with what appears to be purple hydrangeas on it.

Ali emerges wearing a horizontal stripe dress and tells the guys how hard the choice is for her… yada yada yada…how great they all are…yada yada yada…it’s not you it’s me…yada yada yada. Roses eventually go to:

Chris L.: He’s into dressing down for rose ceremonies – wearing jeans again

Frank: Hope Ali’s ready to live with his parents

Rrrroberto: Of course

Kirk: The speech must have sealed the deal

Ty “takes a moment and says his goodbyes” (as Chris Harrison always says). It’s actually sad to see him say good-bye to the other guys because you get a sense that all 5 were actually friends. They hug and wish him the best and then Ali walks him out. For dramatic effect ABC makes Ty and Ali stand in the rain as Ali makes the pouty face that Aimee finds unbecoming. Ali explains that she couldn’t see it working in the long term. Ty is disappointed but maintains his composure as he hands Ali a card. We don’t get to know what the card said but I’m sure it was some sort of song he wrote for her. Of course.

Scenes for next week show hometown dates – Kirk’s dad is the taxidermist, Rrroberto is wearing his baseball uniform, Chris L.’s dad looks as sweet as Chris L., and Frank the Tank is hugging another girl!? Oh the drama! And let it be known that if Ali doesn't get her roots fixed soon, Emily at the watching party may fly to LA and fix them herself...

Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog and ihategreenbeans.com for more recap fun! And yes, I did make it through the Jake and Vienna break-up special although it was as painful as I expected. Very minor recap coming up on that shortly…