Ice Ice Baby

Major Bachelor Breaking News today! I’m sure you’ve read that America’s Sweetheart couple Jake & Vienna have called it quits. And not very amicably. I know you’re shocked and likely experiencing some denial. But don't despair people! The silver lining to this tragedy is that we can put our hope in Ali – here’s to her following in the Golden Couple’s footsteps to find love! And with that let's see how last night went for our fearless leader...

Fire & Ice...but sadly, no James Taylor
The gang is in Iceland this week and unfortunately Ali’s cold weather clothes aren’t much better than her California wardrobe. We see her in a hot pink jacket, very large gloves, and an even bigger furry hat (see above). Ali is excited about continuing her journey of love in this freezing country.

The guys walk up to Chris Harrison outside in some sort of plaza – Our Host looks dapper as usual. The guys were prepared for a blizzard in their outdoor gear which also included Russian Fur Hats for almost everyone. Those must be the trend for this season…

Chris Harrison tells the guys they have the opportunity to earn a one-on-one date with Ali this week. They have one hour to come up with a love poem and then will perform their poem for Ali…with all the other guys watching. And bonus points may be given if Icelandic words are used. Ashley at the watching party shouts out, “Ikea!” I know you're likely thinking that's a stretch because Ikea was founded in Sweden and the headquarters are in Netherlands…but they do have an Ikea store in Iceland…

The guys split up to work on their poems – some resort to asking strangers for help with Icelandic words while others rely on their own writing ability. Then it comes time for performances, here were the highlights:

Craig R.: made up something that sounded Icelandic and then confessed he totally made up the words. Later said he thought his poem was outstanding.
Kasey: I am sincere…mutter something quietly…insert cliché…mumble, mumble…guard & protect your heart…mumble, mumble. Ali was confused, as were the guys and the watching party. I think the hoodie wrapped around his neck may have had something to do with the low talking.
Chris N.: First two lines ended with the word “out” – don’t think that counts in poetry, aren’t you supposed to rhyme not repeat words?
Kirk: Learns from Rrrroberto himself and actually walks near Ali and tells her he loves her “rich root beer eyes”…
Frank: Also learns from Rrroberto & Kirk and walks near Ali and sits on the bench with her. He loves writing poems so he thinks he aced this test.

None of the other guys really stood out and in the end Ali chose Kirk for actually speaking to her instead of yelling across the plaza.

Kirk: One-on-One Date
Matching Sweaters equal Matching Hearts
Ali sits near a fountain and waits for Kirk. He walks up behind her and since she doesn’t turn around when she hears footsteps he conveniently scares her and then the laugh about the fake scare that the cameramen suggested.

They head out to an Icelandic sweater shop and try on all sorts of cultural clothes. Many of the sweaters look very large and itchy. We see Kirk’s playful and funny side when he asks Ali how attracted she is to him while he’s wearing a women's sweater. They emerge from the sweater shop wearing the exact same zip up sweater…of course.

They feed some fish and ducks and then go inside to enjoy some sort of hot beverage. Over their drink Ali asks Kirk about his past relationships, he tells her he hasn’t dated anyone for over a year and this makes her worried. Really Ali!?! You’re keeping the ENERTAINMENT WRESTLER around and the guy who spontaneously makes up horrible songs yet THIS is what gives you a red flag?! I feel it would be beneficial for you to read my open letter to Jillian Harris.

Back at the hotel Chris L. receives the group date card and reads the participant names aloud: Rrroberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig, Ty, and Frank the Tank are all winners which means that Kasey and Justin are losers who have to go on the 2 on 1 date with one of them being eliminated. Tension rises as Justin morphs into his Rated-R character and decides his sole purpose in life is winning this challenge against Kasey. Kasey looks sadder than usual as he looks down at his tattooed wrist…

The matching sweaters are now eating dinner and Kirk decides to give Ali the full story on why he hasn’t dated someone for over a year. (Does there have to be a story? Am I totally missing something here?)

Basically he got really sick about 5 years ago with a strange illness, he had trouble breathing, lost a lot of weight, started losing hair – very odd things. He saw over 40 physicians and no one knew what was causing the illness or what it was. His mother was diligent in research and found out after a year and a half that the house he had moved into with friends in college was actually a condemned house so he was suffering from breathing in mold and asbestos. Crazy story for sure.

The watching party agrees with Julie’s assertion that Ali’s not the best listener because while Kirk is sharing, her facial expression frequently rotates between confusion, worry, and shock. She offers Kirk the rose after his story and he gladly accepts. Then they kiss because she’s had enough of this talking and listening for the night.

Back at the hotel Kasey is slowly losing it over the 2 on 1 group date with Justin. Frank tries to give Kasey a motivating pep talk while using a wrestling pun of course, “''I think this is your time to shine. I think this is your time to send the wrestler home, back to the ring” Sadly Kasey can’t be motivated because he has already lost it. He tells Frank, “If I’m not here for love what am I here for?! I’m not trying to just stick around – I’m trying to be the man of her dreams. Physical pain is nothing to me – that’s why I got this tattoo, to be a man, to be a man for that woman.” Frank slowly backs away...

Group Date
Activities That Sound More Fun Than They Actually Are
The guys pull up to a mountain where Ali is holding 8 horses and silently cursing the ABC staffer who came up with this idea for a group date. The guys hop out and relieve her of having to hold the reins for the 8 horses. Southern Ty is already in his zone because he has ridden a horse before which puts him at an advantage against the rest of these Yankees. He helps everyone with their saddles and then the group is off on a horse ride through the freezing cold mountains.

While the scenery was pretty, Julie at the watching party said it best when she noted that "This is one of those things that sounds more fun than it actually is." We all agreed when we saw the wind pick up and Ali’s lips turn blue.

The gang stops at a cave and Ali informs them they’ll be rappelling down into the hole to go exploring. Chris L. – the true Massachusetts boy sums up his impression of the date, ‘We’ve ridden horses, now we’re going down in a cave – what’s next, playing with snakes?” Since he had a little trouble on his horse he figures he better try to get some man points back and volunteers to go down in the scary cave first.

He makes it down and Ali goes next so they have a few minutes of alone time. Ali mentions her fingers are cold and he gives her his gloves – more man points. Everyone explores the cave and then they walk out of another opening and have a picnic on top of the glacier. Neat-o.

At the hotel we see Justin leaving on his crutches. He’s talking about winning the battle and stepping it up or something like that. Then we see him enter a doctor’s office and exchange his cast for a boot. He puts his crutches in a conveniently placed trash can upon hobbling out crutch-less and tells us, “This is one small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R.” More morphing into Rated-R…Justin has officially left the show.

Once back in the hotel, Kirk reads the date card aloud to Kasey and Justin, “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice." Rated-R is fired up and says, “The pressure is on Kasey. My hand is twitching. That means my adrenaline is kicking in. You better watch out.” Kasey tries to rebuttal with, “What makes you so confident.” Rated-R tells him, “You are just a hurdle. There is one rose and someone is going home. And that person isn’t going to be me.” Kasey is confused because he thought he already had a rose – he looks down at his wrist to confirm…yep still there behind the shield with the heart…

Meanwhile Ali has decided to treat the guys to a relaxing night since they had to do all that work riding the horses and walking around in a cave. She takes them to this place called Blue Lagoon which is essentially a giant hot tub in a glacier. You didn’t think freezing temperatures would stop ABC from finding a body of water on a group date did you!? Ali dramatically unzips her snow suit to reveal a tiny bikini and the guys change into their swimsuits as fast as possible to join her in the giant hot tub.

She spends alone time with Ty first and tells him she likes how Southern he was today. With Chris L. she asks about his past relationships and then they make out. With Frank she asks why he isn’t swooning over her and he promises to swoon on future group dates.

She rejoins the group and it’s clear by this point that she’s had a few too many of those Icelandic drinks if you know what I mean. She slurs some words together about how amazing their day was. Then she looks down at the rose and tries to remember the name of this guy on her right…”Ty! That’s it – I’m giving the rose to Ty!”

Justin & Kasey: 2 on 1 Date
Crazy vs. Crazy
Rated-R is pumped up for this competition. He tells us, “If Kasey gets the rose today he’s gonna earn it.” Which I think means Rated-R is planning to beat Kasey up...

Rated-R and Kasey walk up to a helicopter and Ali acts surprised to see that Justin has a boot instead of a cast and crutches. The three of them hop in the helicopter and go watch a volcano erupt. As they look down on the flying lava Rated-R continues with the wrestling puns, “I want Kasey to doubt everything. I’m looking at a volcano and I feel a volcano inside me. I’m waiting or the 1, 2, 3 count and waiting for the bell to ring so I can hold the belt…or in this case Ali…in my victory.” How sweet, just what every girl wants to be compared to – a wresting championship belt.

They land the helicopter on the volcano and Ali says, “Stepping out of the helicopter onto the volcano…” and Ashley at the watching party finishes her sentence with, “…is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”

After walking around the lava they head to a cave that has lots of ice sculpted furniture. Ali spends alone time with Rated-R first and tells him how bad she feels about having to let one of them go. Rated-R tells her to think about the goal – the prize at the end and to not worry about hurting Kasey along the way. She holds her chin up and realizes she must press forward in this journey no matter how many hearts get broken.

Kasey sits outside the cave on some ice and looks absolutely freezing. He tells us through chattering teeth, “I’m just gonna do what I do best.”…be cheesy. Ali tells us the only thing that Kasey has to do is be normal. The watching party tells Kasey he is in trouble.

During their alone time Kasey reminds Ali of how she told him she didn’t think he was sincere. Then he rolls up his sleeve and says, “The only way to show you that I will guard and protect your heart is to do something crazy that will stick with me for the rest of my life. So I got a tattoo.”

He reveals the tattoo and Ali’s root beer brown eyes became flying saucers. She stares down at the tattoo and says, “Whaaaa…um…when did you do that?” He tells her he got it in New York and then explains how it’s a cool shield with 11 stones to represent the 11 guys that were left at that time – the shield is protecting a heart – her heart. And there’s a rose at the top so he will eternally have a rose and can’t leave her ever.

She internalizes her freaking-out and manages to smile and says, “Thank you for being you. That tattoo is special.” Special Indeed…

Ali says nice things about Kasey and Rated-R and then tells Rated-R she’s giving him the rose. She tells Kasey he’s a great guy but she doesn’t want to hold him back – there’s some other tattoo-loving girl out there for him and he needs to go find her! But not right now, now he needs to stand on the ice and watch as she leaves with the Entertainment Wrestler. Ali and Rated-R wave goodbye to Kasey as he stands alone in the snow with his tattoo that ironically was not able to guard or protect his own cold broken heart.

Justin tells us the camera “The bottom line is that Tattoo went down. He self destructed and made it easy for me to get a rose. Actually two roses…one to Justin and one to Rated R.” I’m starting to worry Justin thinks that Rated-R is an actual person…

For those of you playing the “guard and protect” drinking game – official count for this episode was 5, hope you made it through the show.

Cocktail Party and the Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
As the guys wait for Ali, Rated-R tells them all about how he destroyed Kasey and lifted Ali over his head in his glory of winning the championship belt. Or something like that…I was distracted by seeing that Kirk is wearing his matching sweater. Cute points for Kirk…

Ali enters the room and Aimee at the watching party provides the most accurate description of her dress, “Seatbelt.” In her defense the one-shoulder look was definitely the trend of last season. However this dress was definitely more in the seatbelt rather than trendy category.

Frank the Tank proves to Ali that he learned his lesson and immediately steals her away for alone time. She tells him she missed that swooning look he gives her. Craig gets the next alone time and tells Ali, “I love the group dates. I’m an expert at them. I was thinking that even in the short time we’ve had together, I’ve felt I wanted to do something to show how I’m feeling…”

He then rolls up his sleeve to reveal a drawn-on tattoo of a heart with Ali’s name in it on his wrist. Ali laughs hysterically…the watching party laughs hysterically. But we still don’t think Craig is staying around much longer…

Chris N. finally gets some alone time (on camera) with Ali and it’s clear there is zero connection here. Ashley’s hope that he was a planted mole starts to fade. Ali asks him what his guilty pleasure is and he answers, “I love Mexican food.” Bless his heart.

Rrroberto takes Ali outside and she tells him he’s so hot that if they were in a bar she wouldn’t approach him because she would have thought he was out of her league. It’s here I think that Chris Harrison decided a self-esteem counseling session was needed. Rrroberto tells her he’s not that hot… she keeps acting like he’s a 10, but he thinks he’s really just a 9.

Our Host Chris Harrison enters and takes Ali away to the infamous deliberation room. It’s the first time we’ve had a chance to see the deliberation and Our Host wastes no time getting to Ali’s hopes and fears. All counselors at the watching party agree he did a fine analysis.

Ali emerges from the deliberation room and I think everyone knew it was Chris N.’s time…unless he was one of her friends secretly disguised as a suitor so he could reveal what the guys were really like. Ali tells the guys they’re all amazing and then roses are handed to:

Frank the Tank: His game is back on
Chris L.: Smart woman
Rrroberto: Easily a 10 in her book
Craig: She likes to laugh

So the mole theory is put to rest another season. Chris N. takes a moment and says his goodbyes and then is very contradictory in the rejection taxi. He tells us, “I’m shattered by this whole thing.” But based on his tone and facial expression he could have just as easily said, “I’m having a tuna sandwich for lunch.” I didn’t really see or hear the sadness…

Anyway, we’re down to 7 men and the next stop on their world tour of love is….Istanbul, Turkey! Scenes show someone calling Ali to reveal that one of the guys has a girlfriend! I can’t believe these guys aren’t really who they say they are – that has never happened in the history of this show before – the horror!!

See you next week at the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!!

Check out other more hilarious recaps here: Ihategreenbeans.com and Chris Harrison’s blog.