On the wings of CRAZY!

Well, last night's episode did not fail to disappoint in this train wreck we call "The Bachelor" so let's dive right in.

We start off the show with our host Chris Harrison looking very Miami Vice with his v-neck t-shirt and blazer talking with our favorite group of ladies. It must have been really early because they were not looking too cute with some serious bedhead and no makeup on. It does give me a little comfort to know even our model friends here look pretty rough first thing in the morning. It's also important to note that we have finally found the women who actually wear the pajamas from the Victoria's Secret catalog. Good call Carrie!

The date card arrives and Vienna (aka Paris) is up for the first one-on-one date. I love the quick pans to "borderline personality disorder" Michelle throwing daggers from her eyes at Vienna. I do wonder what that girl is thinking and exactly what she's capable of. But let's move on...

One-on-one date
Vienna and Jake head off to some overlook holding hands and mumbling about something. Call it foreshadowing when Jake asks Vienna about the craziest thing she's ever done. Oh girl, you just wait! All of the sudden the token helicopter appears. Do you ever wonder why they look so surprised when you know they can hear the thing a mile off? Anyway, they hop aboard and head off to my personal nightmare. It's all fun and games until that actually see what's next: bungee jumping hell! For the next half hour we watch as Vienna, and especially Jake, deteriorate into genuine panic attacks. It's an agonizing process as they realize they really can't get out of this situation without jumping, then they get closer to the edge, and peer down at the terrifying boulders 120 feet below. Then Jake essentially has a nervous breakdown on Vienna's shoulder/neck before she finally loans him a pair and they jump. It's extremely painful to watch and not just because I was having my own panic attack. The bungee cord looked like it was jerking them around like rag dolls, and it was not a pretty site. As Jake & Vienna hold on to each other for dear life screaming bloody murder and desperately making out, I flash back to Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in "Speed" when she tells him that relationships that start under intense circumstances never last. We'll just see about that.

Next we move on to the evening with Jake & Vienna still on an adrenaline rush drinking out of the tallest wine glasses ever and recapping their shared intense circumstance. Shockingly they make out and somehow end up in a swimming pool. Not surprisingly though, Jake picks up the rose and provides another 10 minute monologue before finally giving Vienna the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the tiger's lair the next card arrives and the following get selected for the group date: Elizabeth, 10ley, Ali, Ashleigh (who spells her name wrong), Michelle (this aughtta be good), then the randoms: Kathryn, Corrie and Jessie. The ladies catch on to the clue that they are heading to the Comedy Club. Little do they know what else is in store, let the excitement begin!

The Group Date:
So we begin this group activity with the ladies walking down the random bachelor street holding hands (at least that's what I think I saw) when Michelle sees Jake first and runs to him. I can't take my eyes off of her just wondering what psycho thing she'll say or do next. They all end up at the Comedy Club where Jake reads off the teleprompter and introduces Jon Lovitz. I'm guessing Seinfeld had better things to doi. When Jon tells the ladies that they are actually going to do the stand-up, I think I see a few of them hurl. The main person to breakdown is Ashleigh H. which is surprising to everyone. Supposedly she's really funny, but now she's a nervous wreck. Add a little alcohol to the mix and this is downright fun!

And now for the stand up routines:
Ali starts off with something that she thinks is funny but is obviously not very memorable, 10ley shows us her best stupid human trick and Kathryn gives us her best bleep, bleep routine. For the most part though, the crowd actually seems to be laughing. Then Michelle gets up and the train wrecks again. She starts off with some weird connections between the palm trees and her coconuts and rambles her way through some freaky analogy about the putting green, a hole and some one-on-one. Crickets...Thankfully they move on to Corrie and her impressions of the girls in the house. Her first impression is of 10ley as a dingbat (really?), then of Kathryn and her potty mouth (which Kathryn finds hilarious by the way). Next we see her Vienna impression. It's not pretty, the girls are loving it and Jake is very confused. Poor Vienna, she doesn't stand a chance with this crowd. Next we discover than Elizabeth has a raunchy side and Ashleigh finally gets drunk enough to tell three dumb blonde jokes. Finally this pathetic date is OVER! By the way, does anyone remember Jessie going on? I don't even remember that girl.

We move on to the after-party where things just keep unwinding. 10ley finally breaks down and tells Jake about her divorce and her unfaithful husband. I thought Jake handled it really well, but what fun is that really? Jake's obviously been practicing (or watching a lot of youtube videos) because there are no more lurch kisses. Then Ashleigh uses her one-on-one time to tell Jake how awful Vienna is. No sweetie, don't do it!
We break back to the girls at the pad where Gia and Vienna have their claws out. ABC must pump estrogen into that house because the girls there are CRAZY! After some tearful yelling and accusations, Vienna storms up to her room where she starts writing a "Dear Jake" letter. I think she must be the one who eventually leaves because as you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances never work out.

Meanwhile back at the after party, Michelle and Ali start to have their own little cat fight. Ali definitely likes to stir the pot, and Michelle is such an easy target. Michelle has her video monologue, and we see her borderline come out yet again. "I'm here for love and it's my turn to get married. Everyone in my family tells me it's my turn, and I know it is." Careful Jake, hide your bunny. Elizabeth pipes in telling us what we've known all along, "Michelle doesn't need a husband. She needs a therapist first. That girl needs some help." You'd better believe it! Michelle finally gets her one-on-one time, and she tells Jake once again that she's here for love. Then she makes Jake kiss her. It's awesome to see the terror in his eyes as you know he definitely does not want to do this. Sorry buddy, that's the price you pay when you date 12 women at one time. Remember that for next time. Even better, Michelle threatens to leave again and Jake mans up and kicks her butt out! You go Jake! After kicking her to the curb, Jake tells the other ladies that he's not handing out any damn rose but instead he needs some alone time. I'll bet he does. Exit stage Jake.

The second one-on-one date:
I must admit that by this point in the show, I'm ready for the rose ceremony. There's been so much drama of so little interest that I need a break. Guest blogging is HARD, but the show must go on.

It's a new day and a new date with Ella. Jake shows up and the helicopter lands on the pool I think. They fly around the city and finally end up at Sea World where Jake has another surprise: Ella's son, Ethan. I did feel a little awkward watching this part of the show. Something didn't feel right about Jake having his first date with Ella and then having her son show up. Fortunately Ella was thrilled, and Jake has enough character to handle the situation with class. Ella then tells us in her best twang that she's ready to be in a perfect family, like Trista & Ryan. Really?? That's the best you can do? I'm thinking ABC paid her for that line because I sure hope she has better role models than that. Finally the date ends and they send Ethan back home. Eerily, it looked like Ashleigh H. in the front seat when they were driving away. Not sure what that was about... Jake, of course, gives Ella the rose and it's time to move on. The most memorable thing about this date was learning that it was originally intended for Rozlyn and her son. Ooo, I guess they had to improvise after someone had inappropriate relations with a staffer. Holla!

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony
So we finally make it to the cocktail party which I expect to be pretty boring. Now that Michelle was sent packing, we don't have any crazies left. Enter, Elizabeth! Who knew that Lizzy had a little crazy in her, and that Jake would start channeling Dr. Phil? Mix some confrontation with a little rejection, and the nanny doesn't do so well. At one point I thought she might even take a swing at Vienna. The poor girl is obviously not used to being called out, so she didn't know what was going on. And now it's time for the rose ceremony. Finally!

As Jake hand out the roses to the ladies, I have some advice for those sticking around:
Ali - quit worrying about Vienna and start paying attention to your man. I think your front runner status may be in jeopardy.
Ashleigh - ditto. Enjoy this week because I think you are about to be heading home.
Ella - keep doing whatever you are doing because while it drives me crazy, Jake actually seems to like it.
Gia - load up on some more botox and keep applying the lip gloss because it looks like your turn on the Jake-love train is coming.
Corrie - your stand up routine was a wake up call for Jake, but you might have rocked the boat a little in the house. Sleep with one eye open.
Vienna - get those claws sharpened, baby, because you are going to need them.
Kathryn - I guess channeling Gretchen Wilson is working out for you pretty well so far.
Jessie - keep wearing that bumpett thing so we can recognize you each week
10ley - bless your heart!

I'll end this post with my personal highlight from the evening. It actually came after the show in the form of an email from my older brother, who is a pilot and apparently is watching the show. And I quote, "I am embarrassed to be in the same profession as this tool rod! Worst bachelor EVER, which may explain why it's the worst bachelorette crew as well. The ratings are likely to plummet quicker than Obamas!" Ah, the emotions this train wreck stirs up in all of us. I love it! Until next time...