Goodbye Mythical Unicorn

"Wow...What?...Really?...Why?...Stop singing that stupid song...Gross...He's crazy."

These were just some of the words & phrases that I repeated over and over for two hours during the train wreck that is The Bachelorette. And I loved every minute of it! This may be my longest post ever because there was so much material last night...sorry for the novel recap (maybe more like a play by play).

We Love Ed!!!
Ed scored the first one-on-one date and I admit I was more than a little excited because that meant he got more screen time! Their date consisted of going down a super slow zip line and landing on top of a building with what else - a pool (of course) and then dinner. This date made me love Ed even more because I still think he is the most normal out of the bunch (again I realize that's not saying much). I definitely could have done without Jillian's helicopter/cherry metaphor even though we did watch it twice to see Ed's "I have no idea how to respond to that" face. Farrell (Jillian's BFF) thinks "they" made her say it. If Jillian continues with the lapses in character judgment that she has shown so far then odds are she won't pick Ed in the end which I'm actually totally fine with because I'm going to start campaigning for him to be the next Bachelor now. Ed for Bachelor!!

The guys back at the bunkhouse see the interns carrying Ed's bags into the house and captain obvious Brad states, "He's moving in the house. Every guy that has gone one a one-on-one date has received a rose." Well done, Brad! You were able to deduce that because Ed's bags were in her house he was moving there and you can count to 4 since that's how many one-on-one dates there have been. Awesome.

Lots of Kissing and Brokeback Mountain in the Wild West
The General Hospital group date from last season's bachelor was recreated on the group date last night as 11 guys & Jill went to a Hollywood set to film a Western "movie". She swapped saliva with the majority of the 11 but Brad definitely took the crown for most awkward kiss on The Bachelor and/or Bachelorette series ever. And considering how many kisses happen on this show that is quite a feat! I don't know if he thought the poncho was restricting his arms or if he thought he was only allowed to touch her with his lips, but for whatever reason poor Brad kissed her with his arms stiff straight by his side. And then he proceeded to proudly proclaim to the camera that "There are bad asses out there, super bad asses, and then you have me - I'm the Ultra Bad Ass." Really Brad? You're wearing a poncho.

Robby D. had the best scene of the date/movie and his genuine nervousness about kissing her made me like him more. His pick up and swirl while kissing move worked on Jill and he scored the rose of the date at the end of the night.

They worked in a little Brokeback Mountain scene between Michael & Mike which I thought was kind of funny, if not a little cliche. Wes continued to grate on my nerves by telling Jillian she needed to start cutting these guys fast because he was ready to be with her. Jillian said she thought he was jealous and already had the mindset that she was his, but alas she finds jealous, possessive men charming. Sigh.

After the "movie" wraps the group heads to a wrap party with what else - a pool (of course). Enter crazy guy #1 Tanner P (foot fetish) who can hardly resist his excitement over Jillian's feet. He declares to her that he wants to "put her foot in his mouth and suck on her toes" What the?? Who is this guy and how does he not hear himself sounding crazy!?! And why in the world does Jillian say she is feeling comfortable around him after hearing that? Little did we know at this point in the episode that this was just the tip of the iceberg of Tanner P's obsession.

Out of my Way Sheep, I'm a Wolf Looking for a Mythical Unicorn
Sasha receives the second one-on-one date of the evening and as he is getting ready for the date he decides to tell us a little Serbian fairytale story. Sasha is like a wolf and there are these sheep that keep coming to him, they are naturally attracted to Sasha the wolf. But Sasha the wolf is on a journey, he is in pursuit of the mythical unicorn. He knows the mythical unicorn is out there and wants the sheep to get out of his way so he can find her. Sasha actually didn't tell us this was a Serbian fairytale but I know it was because my friend Aimee said he is from Serbia and so it must make sense there. Here in America, not so much. I think it really means he views himself as a stud and is looking for a stud-ette who is perfect. Out of his way non-worthy, imperfect, silly girls.

Sasha & Jill do a photo shoot on some vintage cars and then he takes her on a free ride in a Ferrari around LA. He drives fast and she squeals a lot. Then they go back to wherever they were with the vintage cars and eat dinner. It is there that Sasha first tells her the Serbian fairytale story and then commits the ultimate sin in Jillian's book by revealing that he has never been the dump-ee, he's always been the dump-er in relationships. Furthermore he has never been in love and thus never heartbroken. For some reason (hopefully at some point to be discovered by the ABC therapist) Jillian believes it is important for a guy to have been heartbroken in order to be ready for a relationship.

Open Letter to Jillian Harris:
Dear Jillian,
Let's take a trip down memory lane and remember a man in your life named Jason Mesnick. I'm guessing poor Jason was probably pretty heartbroken after his divorce prior to going on The Bachelorette. And then poor Jason was left heartbroken on one knee when DeAnna rejected his proposal. Jill, do you remember what happened next? Poor Jason broke your heart and then Molly's (temporarily) and then Melissa's. Do you still think a prior heartbreaking experience is an accurate gauge on whether someone is ready for a relationship? I think it's in your best interest to re-evaluate your standards.
Your Friend,
Rebecca
P.S. Get rid of Wes, Dave, and Juan now.
P.P.S. Where do you go shopping?

Since Jill didn't get to read my note prior to her journey on The Bachelorette she kept her heartbroken experience standard and sent Sasha home on a city bus, despite the fact that he thought things were going "smooth as silk". But not before she went to get the rose and wave it in his face as she explained why she was not his mythical unicorn after all. Not cool Jill, definitely a Mesnick move.

Wes Tries to Get a Record Deal - er, I mean a Rose.
Wes states that he's actually "got something on the line here, he wrote a song for Jillian and he wants to play it for her." Right Wes we all believe that your love for Jillian is what you have on the line, nothing at all on the line about a music career. Knowing that Jillian sent Sasha home and thus is by herself in the house (except for Ed and Robby D - where are they by the way?) Wes seizes this opportunity to serenade her with the song he wrote for his next single, oops - I mean her. This is after he plays it for the other guys in the bunkhouse who all had priceless "we hate you, this song sucks" expressions. By the time Wes played it for Jill I was beyond sick of hearing "They say that love don't come easy..." and beyond sick of seeing Wes. I can't wait for her to see through this guy for what he really is...fingers crossed it happens before he's the last one standing.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
So here we are again at the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. Angry Dave's rage is building since he didn't get to go on any dates this week and therefore has had no time with Jillian and also he wants to kill Juan. Instead of looking for Jillian however, he is complaining to the other guys. Jillian finds him and asks him to spend some time with her. Angry Dave explains he's used to being the "Top Dog and getting all the attention and that's not happening here". You can add needy to the already growing list of things that don't bother Jillian since Dave's griping doesn't seem to annoy her. About five minutes into the conversation Juan interrupts Angry Dave to steal Jillian and calls him Davie in the process. Oh boy the rage is just bottling up! He's going to explode! This is gonna be good!

Or not. The "showdown" between Angry Dave and Juan was really more Angry Dave just ranting and screaming at Juan. They're both crazy - Angry Dave has serious rage problems and Juan comes across as a guido that likes Jillian's "little outfits". However, Jillian has yet to see the crazy that's behind the curtain on these two guys and gives them both roses...and the drama continues!

Tanner P. freaks out again when Jillian puts her feet in his lap and can barely keep his eyes off her toes. He tells the camera he's here to "suck on some toes" and then does this little dance move that goes on way too long. We had to watch the dancing multiple times though because it was so unbelievable! And by unbelievable I don't mean his dancing skills, I mean that he even has such a dance and such excitement over the possibility of sucking a toe. Ugh. I hope for his sake that the dance was a result of too much alcohol.

The rest of the rose ceremony is normal, Wes is annoying, Jillian makes out with Kiptyn, Angry Dave drinks, and Ed is cute. Tanner F and Brad are sent home - neither will be missed and I think she made good choices there. Who was Tanner F. anyway?

The biggest possible revelation of the night for our watching party was that Ashley's theory mentioned last Tuesday may actually be right!! Mark might in fact be a mole among these crazy men! Possible evidence (1) She kept 13 guys, I'm pretty sure they usually go down to 12 at this point (2) He gets no screen time, we've never seen him and Jillian kiss, and he doesn't do any interviews with just the camera that I can remember (3) I don't think he's been on any group dates and therefore is spending lots of time with other guys not on dates in the bunkhouse and (4) Some possible foreshadowing, when Angry Dave was on his rant to the guys he was trying to get any of them to speak up and say something to Jillian about what a "cheese-ass" Juan is (his words not mine) but he specifically pointed at Mark and asked why he wouldn't say something. To which Mark replied, "Why would I say something? She doesn't need me to tell her who to pick." OR DOES SHE!?!?! I am excited about this possible twist and must say I'll be disappointed now if this theory is proven wrong.

Whew, okay that was way long - sorry again for the novel. Remember to check out the hilarious recaps on Lincee's website and Pop Watch as well as Chris Harrison's blog. See you at the next most dramatic rose ceremony ever.