The Tattoo Heard 'Round the World

Dear tens of readers of this blog – I apologize for the delay on this post. I only emerged from behind my pillow a few hours ago due to the endless embarrassing moments from Monday’s episode. I’ll try to be better prepared for the awkwardness next time…

Episode 4 starts as any other episode has – with our dear host Chris Harrison. He enters the living room of the bachelor pad and tells the guys that they’ll be going around the world for love, first stop: NYC. They guys are super excited; Chris Harrison tells them to pull it together and pack in an hour.

Ali is already in NYC sporting her trendy yellow hat and purple gloves while casually sipping coffee as she walks the streets. She’s excited for the trip around the world with her men because that’s how you get your relationship to the next level in the real world. Also in the real world you get to be a part of an InStyle makeover and photo shoot.

A mustached man takes Ali’s photos and then the editor tells her that she’s not the only blonde who will appear in the July issue – Ali starts cursing the editor and ABC because she told them she wasn’t dealing with that fake blonde Vienna again; thankfully before things get out of hand the editor reveals the cover girl is Cameron Diaz…not Vienna.

The guys arrive in NYC and receive the first one-on-one date card which goes to Kasey…this was the end of anything relatively normal in this episode.

Kasey
“Let’s Do What Comes Natural”
Ali heads to the suite to pick up Kasey and tells him they’ll be headed on a helicopter ride around the city. For a fear of flying Ali sure is “planning” a lot of plane rides. She tells us, “We’re gonna do things most people wish they had a chance to do.” I’m pretty sure helicopter tours are readily available to tourists willing to pay, Al.

During the helicopter ride Kasey went on about how his view of Ali and the city were equally as beautiful. The watching party kept asking Kasey to cough or something to clear his throat. He did not, but instead told us a story about how Ali was a caterpillar while she dated Jake and all these other guys but now that she was with him she was turning into a butterfly. Then the watching party started made gagging sounds and collective eye rolls.

Kasey reminds us he’s there to guard and protect Ali’s heart and he’s hoping that she is the one who will guard and protect his heart as well. Amy P. at the watch party notes that Kasey must have really enjoyed the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

After the helicopter ride they had a picnic in a field. This is where it happened -- 13 minutes into this show and it was hands down the most awkward, hilarious, shocking, and unbelievable moment I’ve seen in the entire series. Here’s the play by play:

Kasey starts acapella singing a song he made up to a tune he made up with absolutely no melody. Lyrics are: “When I was flying in the helicopter over this amazing city, I looked to my left and never saw something so pretty.”

Pause for reaction from Ali…Ali’s reaction: nervous, uncomfortable laughter.

Clue Kasey should have picked up: stop singing! Action he chose instead: continued singing with, “At the end of tonight I'm not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I'll see and find a rose.”

End of song, pause for final reaction from Ali…Ali’s reaction: confused look and silent questioning as to when Joe and Rose or City and Pretty could be used as rhyming words. Kasey’s perceived thoughts based on Ali’s reaction: “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

Oh you have no idea Kasey…although while it was intense, I think painful is a better adjective. Side memo to Kasey: Please consider guarding and protecting the viewers’ eyes and ears next time before choosing to compose and perform your own little ditty.

After the picnic and impromptu concert they head to the Natural Museum of History where Kasey’s “quirky” side continues to shine. He imitates a monkey, tries to scare Ali in the dark, and runs around the museum with her.

Kasey tells us that he’s decided Ali is his future wife. He knows she’s The One. The watching party decides Kasey is the male version of last season’s crazy Michelle.

Over dinner in the museum Ali asks Kasey how this relationship is different from his past relationships. He goes for the obvious answer and says, “One reason…because you’re Ali…you’re all I’ve ever wanted - I choose you…I hope someday you can choose me.”

Ali sees the red flag emerging and asks. “How do you know if someone’s for you?” Kasey’s answer OF COURSE is, “When they want to guard and protect my heart too.” Ali tells him she feels like he’s reading a story because his lines – I mean answers – are so perfect. To which he says, “It’s just my heart – jump in stay a while.” To which I have no words…

Kasey’s not done yet though – nope, he then takes her hands into his and starts singing another original ditty. “From the night that I first saw you, I was stepping through black glass, and I knew right then first moment that you and I would last. On the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now in New York City, and it’s just you and me. And tonight you got a rose, and I want to feel its thorns, and if you choose me Ali I’ll forever be yours.” At the end of his non-rhyming song with no melody he told her, “I don’t know – it just came to me, I guess that’s what you do to me – you inspire me.” I’m sure Ali was beyond flattered that she inspired…that.

The red flag is still waving in front of Ali and so she tells Kasey she’s not sure he’s really genuine – she thinks he may have borrowed some lyrics from Eminem and so she can’t give him the rose but the producers want him to stay so he’s staying.

Group Date
“Let’s Play”
Rrroberto, Jesse, Kirk, Craig, Frank, Ty, and Jonathan the Weatherman were the lucky 7 chosen for the “let’s play” group date. They head out to Times Square and watch a video on one of the large screens instructing them to find her in the concrete jungle. Oh fun – so this will be like a scavenger hunt type date! The guys turn around and see that the Lion King Theater is behind them and there’s Ali waving from the second floor window. So much for an entertaining scavenger hunt…

The guys run up the stairs to Ali – Weatherman gets there first and gives her a hug. She peels him off and tells the guys she’s not feeling great but is pushing through to go on this group date. Such a trooper. The guys learn they’ll have to perform a song and dance for the directors to decide who wins the actual date with Ali that evening.

The lucky 7 chosen ones emerge from backstage wearing spandex bike shorts and random different colored pastel v-necks. They begin learning the dance from the choreographer and the director’s comments were hysterical. They ranged from, “He’s got it…oh he lost it,” to “that one’s got a crazy leg thing going on.”

After the dancing each guy had to sing a solo of 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight'. It’s too bad we already have our theme song for the season because an Elton John number would have been a good candidate. During the solos we learn that Jesse can actually sing and Rrrroberto should be renamed Rico Suave because he’s always making the moves. During his solo Rrrroberto actually turned to Ali and sang directly to her instead of the piano man.

The director declares Rrroberto the winner based on his courage – the other guys start beat themselves up for not thinking singing to the woman they are all dating instead of the man at the piano.

Rrroberto and Ali start their training immediately while the other 6 guys get to watch in the audience. Kirk notes that Rrroberto gets to put his head in Ali’s cleavage while they perform some sort of Cirque de Soleil routine on stage and the Weatherman gets angry at himself for being such a “schmuck” and not thinking about singing to Ali.

Finally it’s performance time – Ali prepares in her dressing room with a gold star taped up with her name written in sharpie marker. (ABC really went all out on that prop.) Frank tells us the knife in his back is twisted when the guys are forced to watch Rrroberto and Ali’s performance from a TV in the lobby. Rrrroberto and Ali perform and I admit I think it’s pretty cool they got to actually be part of a Broadway show…I’m just glad I didn’t pay for that ticket.

The whole gang goes out for drinks after the show and by this time Ali has gone from feeling bad to officially being sick. She sounds awful but again is pushing through for this all important group date. And what’s the best thing to do when you feel sick? Go outside in the rain for a walk of course! Ali and Frank head outside with umbrellas that aren’t able to sustain the winds and rain. They laugh at their inside out umbrellas and Frank feels confident about their relationship again.

Once back inside Ali chooses to spend some time talking to Craig for some reason and the Weatherman stresses over whether or not to go interrupt their conversation in an attempt to get his own one-on-one time. After much debate he slowly moves closer to their conversation and then goes in for the kill, “Ummm…hey guys – hate to interrupt but ummm…can I talk to you for a sec Ali?”

Craig and Ali exchange looks and then Ali says, “Just a few more minutes – I’ll come find you.” And with that we know this is the Weatherman’s last night with us.

Kirk goes for the caregiver role and tells Ali he thinks she should go on upstairs and go to sleep…oh and he should go with her to tuck her in. She agrees this is a good idea and tells the guys she’s not handing out a rose tonight because she’s not thinking straight. Kirk walks Ali to her room then she asks him to sing her a lullaby and thankfully we didn’t have to witness that. Jonathan the weatherman is not sure what to think about the fact that they didn’t get any one-on-one time…I tell him it means gray skies friend.

Chris L
“Let’s Take a Bite Out of the Big Apple…or Chicken Noodle Soup”
Finally Chris L. gets a one-on-one date! He’s excited to hang out with her in the big apple as the date card clue read and it also happens to be his birthday. It’s nice that his girlfriend took a time out from the other 10 men she’s dating to spend his big day with him. As the date draws near there’s a knock on the door with an updated date card informing him that Ali is not feeling any better today. (maybe something to do with walking in the rain?) So the date is being moved to her suite. Ever the optimist, Chris L. is still excited that they will get to spend the day together…even if she is coughing up mucus.

He shows up at her place bearing gifts – she loves the thoughtfulness of flowers and chicken noodle soup. Point for Chris L.! They talk on the couch about family and he shares more about how he moved back home to be with his mom when she got sick and how close he is with his family. Chris L. is quickly becoming my decisive favorite.

Back at the hotel the guys have discovered that Kasey is missing. They’re worried because Kasey was a little down after not receiving a rose on his one-on-one date. Meanwhile we see Kasey walking down the street talking yet again about how he wants to guard and protect Ali’s heart. He wants to show her he’s serious about this commitment and so he enters….a tattoo parlor! The watching party gasps in horror! Surely Chris Harrison will step in and give him a talking to, right!? Wrong!! Kasey decides to tattoo a shield protecting a heart with a rose peeking out from the top on his wrist…FOREVER.

Ali is feeling better thanks to the magical chicken noodle soup so Chris L. and her go to an exclusive NYC Club that they have all to themselves to enjoy with a platter of seafood. Unfortunately she didn’t have time to do her hair. Ali pulls out a cell phone and tells Chris L. that since it’s his birthday she arranged for him to be able to call his dad on speaker phone. Special.

Ali extends the rose to Chris L. who happily accepts and then they head out to the roof of the exclusive NYC club to find Joshua Radin with a gospel choir. I’m very jealous they got a private Joshua Radin concert; however throwing in the gospel choir was a little random.

Kasey walks back to the hotel with his fresh tattoo that he will have FOREVER. He doesn’t want to show the guys his sweet tat yet so he’s covered it up with a bandage which of course won’t be questionable at all…

The guys ask Kasey where he was and why his wrist is bandaged and he says he had to go to the hospital because he burned his wrist on the oven. Really Kasey, that’s the best excuse you could come up with?! Justin the entertainment wrestler doesn’t buy it and goes on record that he believes Kasey is a “fibber”. I’m going on record that I’ve never heard the word ‘fibber’ used by anyone older than the age of 7.

Dramatic Cocktail Party Time
Craig cracks a joke to open the cocktail party telling the guys, “You know we have a lot of good guys here – with the exception of Justin.” Justin makes a mental note that Craig is a fibber too. Ali emerges wearing a plunging v-neck black jumpsuit that at first glace looks like it could have been velour. Upon further studying I don’t think it was velour but anytime you could be mistaken for wearing velour (and you are not J.Lo) it’s not a good thing.

The Weatherman has decided that he needs to sing to show her his love because that’s what everyone else is doing. So he pulls out a guitar during their one-on-one time and….his voice is less than great. I don’t remember the lyrics because by that point in the show my ears were bleeding. Kirk summed it up best by saying, “You know what we need, we need one more guy to play guitar in this house.” The Weatherman’s voice sounds better to him in his head so he tells us, “Now that I sang, I’d be more surprised if I didn’t get a date.”

Justin the entertainment wrestler has decided it’s time to call out Kasey’s fibbing. He tells Kasey he wants to see his burn mark and Kasey’s well-thought out response is, “Umm…what does that have to do with anything – are you questioning my integrity?” Justin the entertainment wrestler badgers him until he finally unbuttons his sleeve and reveals the tattoo. The guys facial expressions say it all…shock, horror, unbelief, confusion.

Kasey tells the guys he got the tattoo to prove his commitment to Ali- he explains he wants to (all together now) “guard and protect her heart” so that’s why he’s chosen a nifty shield protecting a heart design. And to recognize the rest of the guys he also got 11 stones in the design of the shield because they are the top 11 guys. Frank comments, “Getting a tattoo doesn’t prove anything except you’re nuts.” Chris L. very accurately stated, “He’s going to be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of his life. That's going to be his nickname.''

The guys tell Kasey to his face that they think it’s great because of course Ali is going to think it’s crazy once she sees it. Kasey takes her aside for the big reveal but first explains that he was confused by her comment that he was not genuine because he’s nothing if not crazy – I mean genuine. He gave her some candy (sour patch kids, fabulous choice) to make her feel better and then just as he went to roll back his sleeve to show her what else he got in her honor…. Frank came in and stole Ali away!

Poor Ali goes in to the rose ceremony without knowing that Kasey has tattooed an 11-stone shield protecting a heart with a rose emerging from the top in her honor on his wrist – a decision that will be with him FOREVER.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali tells the guys this was the most real week because even though they traveled to New York and were part of a Broadway show and had a museum and exclusive night club to themselves she was also sick so that’s real life. Totally.

Roses went to:

Kirk – The one she likes to kiss
Frank – The one who is the reason she knows nothing about Kasey’s scarring
Craig – The one who is not my favorite
Chris N. – The one who is the potential mole since we never see him
Rrroberto – The one who put his head in her cleavage
Justin – The entertainment wrestler who calls people fibbers
Ty – The country singer you forgot about
Kasey – The tattooed Bachelorette guy

The Weatherman and Jesse say their goodbyes – Jesse didn’t seem too shocked as he had figured out she was a city girl and he wants acreage with cows. The Weatherman feels like Ali didn’t get a chance to know him…odd because I feel like I know him too well.

Scenes for next week show that we’ll be off to Iceland on this journey of real life love. The idea of a drinking game based on the number of times the phrase “guard and protect (my/your/her) heart” is said was thrown out at the watching party. But I’m a little worried we wouldn’t make it through the second hour of the show. Ali’s voiceover saying, “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal” was priceless…here’s hoping for a shocking tattoo reveal next week! Can. Not. Wait.