Run Away

We’re three episodes in and finally got our theme song for this season of The Bachelorette. Last season we were treated to Jeffrey Osborne’s classic and this season the Barenaked Ladies get the honor with their song titled You Run Away. It’s fitting because Ali is running away from her job and into multiple unstable relationships and you, the viewer, are running away from your TV due to the multiple awkward situations on display. Win-Win!

To start the show Chris Harrison enters the living room of the bachelor pad to give his weekly pep talk to the boys. He tells them he hopes that one of them will be her fiancé at the end of this and I have to wonder if he’s really pulling for one of these guys or if he's paid extra to say that. He leaves the date card which we learn is for Rrrroberto! (I like rolling the R on his name and thus will type it how it sounds in my head)

Rrrroberto – “Love is a Balancing Act”
Ali pulls up to the house in a sports car and her best 80s casual outfit – off the shoulder shirt, check! Tight rolled denim capris, check! She tells Rrroberto, “We’re not going by land, we’re going by air!” Cue the first of many helicopter rides to come this season.

Unfortunately Ali still hasn’t kicked that nasty fear of flying habit so she freaks out the whole ride and Rrrroberto takes the opportunity to calm her fears through holding her hand and putting his arm around her. And she LOVES it. Ali tells the camera that Rrrroberto could be the guy for her. Julie at the watching party tries to be the voice of reason that Ali obviously can’t hear and says, “A little premature Al…”

The helicopter lands on the top of a building and Ali tells Rrrroberto they’ll be walking across wires to another building where conveniently a dinner table is set up. They get all harnessed in and Ali explains to us that, “Going through something stressful together shows you who the person is.” Ali must have had an Oprah Aha moment when she watched Jake & Vienna’s bungee jumping date from last season and now believes that facing scary challenges involving heights is the way to get someone to fall for you.

Once halfway through the walk of fear on wires Rrroberto turns to Ali and says, “I want to give you something here.” He turns toward her and then leans in for their first kiss. And she LOVES it.

Safely on the other side and miraculously changed into nice clothes Rrroberto and Ali sit down for dinner. We learn that Rrroberto speaks many languages including the most important one of all, Ali’s love language – hotness. She tells us that she’s not used to feeling insecure about her looks with a guy because she’s usually the good looking one in a relationship. I have flashbacks of Zoolander while Jaws drop at the watching party and Julie again tries reasoning with her, telling the TV, “Even if you think that don’t admit it out loud.”

Ali and Rrroberto snuggle after dinner because a good snuggler is on her 5-point criteria for how to find a suitable suitor. Ali then steals a Spanish line from 2pac and tells Rrroberto to “dame un beso” which means “give me a kiss”. Rrroberto happily obliges and with that Ali gives him a rose and tells him she’s hopeful for their journey. Rrroberto asks that she not forget about him while dating 13 other guys.

Group Date – “Rock My World”
Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Weatherman, Craig, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. are the lucky winners of this week’s group date. The Expedition Limo (because that’s necessary) drives them to a deserted part of LA where Ali is standing in the middle of the street waiting for them. They exit the limo confused because this seems like a shady part of LA where “gangs and stuff” hang out. Then they hear music in the background and start to worry there’s going to be some sort of dance-off like in that Step Up 2 movie. Just before the Weatherman starts crying, Ali leads them under a bridge and around the corner to reveal…the Barenaked Ladies!

The guys are relieved and ecstatic that they get to meet such a cool band! Craig R. is especially excited to make his friends jealous. Ali explains that they will all get to play parts in the video that the band is making for their new song which is actually based on her life. The guys all read their parts – some get kisses, some get slaps, and some get no physical contact at all.

Frank is the lucky recipient of the “slap” scene. At first he’s excited to go first and thinks it’s a good thing Ali feels comfortable slapping him. Nine takes later, he’s not so sure it’s a good part anymore. John C. (henceforth to be known as Buster Bluth because that’s a better star spot than Bert) gets a scene that involves him getting into a bathtub while Ali simultaneously gets out of the bathtub. He’s not sure what that means.

Then it was time for the Weatherman’s scene which required him to kiss Ali. This was a problem because 1) This would be their first kiss, and 2) All the other guys would be watching. The Weatherman was beyond nervous for this kiss and it showed big time. It’s hard for me to even really describe what happened. First he told her she didn’t have to kiss him. Then when it was time to kiss he gave her a kiss on the neck. Then some sort of halfway kiss that Ali had to initiate occurred and it was just painful. So painfully awkward in fact, that the Weatherman actually started crying over his fear. Which then led to more awkwardness – it was a vicious awkward cycle.

After that we went to Kirk’s scene which involved them kissing and rolling around in a bed. I was thankful this scene was not handed to the Weatherman because who knows what kind of emotional breakdown would have occurred there. However, a different kind of awkwardness occurred when the director yelled “cut” and Kirk and Ali kept going at it. Awkward again…The other guys left the room because they didn’t want to watch that and I can’t say I blame them - I was very tempted to leave the room of the watching party.

At the wrap party Chris L. secures some alone time with Ali first and explains that the signature tattoo he has is actually his mom’s signature and he got it after she passed away. Ali was supportive in her response and Chris L. told her he’d talk more about it when there was more time. Have I mentioned Chris L. is my favorite?

The Weatherman interrupts and steals Ali away. Again the Weatherman has made a poor fashion choice for this group date. Instead of his white MJ jacket from last week this week he’s gone with a combination of a green army and bomber jacket. He whispers to ask Ali if she wants to go somewhere and hide so they can have a real first kiss but before she can answer Craig R. comes in to steal her away. The Weatherman tells us that he feels their connection grows each time they are together. Julie (aka Voice of Reason) tells him, ‘You’re calling the weather wrong, son.” And with everything that’s taken place for the weatherman this season I feel it’s only appropriate that I address the situation with him personally so….

An Open Letter to Jonathan the Weatherman:
Dear Jon,
I just realized it’s appropriate that your real name is Jon because a 'Dear Jon' letter is what I fear you’ll eventually receive from Ali in this journey. Sorry if that’s harsh but know this letter comes from a place of respect – I’m for you Jon, not against you. I don’t want to watch these awkward situations any more than you want to live them.

First of all Jon, you’ve got to stop wearing these Mod jackets. You just can’t pull it off. But don’t be too hard on yourself because there’s really only one person who could. Secondly, were you aware that kissing multiple times on camera was a requirement for this show? I don’t know how you could have not known that but since it’s too late to go back now let me warn you of a few things. Should Ali keep you around Jon you’ll be expected to kiss her in front of camera crews and possibly the other guys numerous more times. There will also likely be hot tubs involved at some point. And should you somehow make it to the final 3 Jon, there are these things called ‘overnight fantasy dates’ where Chris Harrison will ask you to forego your individual room. I hope I don’t have to spell out what that means for you…

If you decide to stay I really hope you’ll heed all my advice…but most importantly the part about the jackets. It’s sunny in LA – you should know that, just put the jackets away.

Your friend,
Rebecca

Okay back to the group date – Kirk and Ali continue the hormone charge and decide to change into swimsuits for their one-on-one time and take it to the pool. They talk and make out but mostly make out. Ali tells us of Kirk, “I know he’s here to be with me…” Carrie ends the sentence for her with the word “Physically.”

Frank has been increasingly jealous on this date as he’s watched her kiss almost all the other guys so he decides to jump in the pool to break up the make out session and is promptly followed by the other guys. Ali gathers them around and awards the rose to Kirk…shocker. Then she surprises them with the debut of their music video which I hope for the Barenaked Ladies sake is not the actual video for this song.

Rated-R for Red Flags
The next day at the house Hunter is prepping for his one-on-one date while Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER ponders Chris Harrison’s pep talk from earlier in the week. He decides by Chris saying, “take advantage of every opportunity you have with Ali” he really meant, “walk up to her house to see her unannounced”. So he sneaks out of the house and hobbles along the shoulder of a highway for what is edited to look like miles but in reality is actually 1 mile.

He limps up to the house as Ali is talking about why she picked Hunter for a one-on-one date. She is shocked to see him and LOVES that he walked all that way on crutches just to see her. She tells us, “No one has ever done that for me.” Justin brought photos of his family so she could get to know the other women in his life. He talks about how he loves his mom and grandma and how he can’t wait to be a dad and you can almost hear Ali getting wrapped around his pinky.

She gives him a ride back to the house and then comes in to pick up Hunter for their date who notes it’s starting later than the previous one-on-one dates. Poor Hunter…

Hunter – “Home is Where the Heart is”
Ali and Hunter go back to her house for what is the most boring date I’ve ever seen on this show. Because of this the recap will be very short; here’s basically how the date went: Ali and Hunter cook 20 hamburgers and hot dogs, Hunter interrupts Ali as she talks about why career is important to her and Ali mentally notes that she is done with Hunter, Hunter calls her ‘Baby’ and ‘Darin’’ approximately 17 times, they swim in a pool and awkwardly look out of the infinity edge in silence, he kisses her shoulder in silence, they decide to make s’mores in silence and then Hunter points out there’s a rose sitting next to them which Ali then says she can’t give to him. Hunter leaves in a taxi and reminds us he usually doesn’t move that fast with darlin’s.

Meanwhile back at the house Justin is underhandedly talking to the other guys about how he would walk for hours just to see Ali and how cool it must be for Hunter to get to see her house since ‘none of them have seen it before’. Because of this and also because he appears to be wearing his black t-shirt inside out it’s here’s where most of the red flags were handed out to Rated-R for me. I have a very suspicious feeling about him…he sort of reminds me of this guy:

Just as Justin is going into a spiel about how he would give up his lucrative career in Entertainment Wrestling for Ali the bodyguards come in and dramatically take Hunters bags away. The guys are stunned and Justin is a little too excited to see him go – again red flag thinking he had something to do with Hunter’s exit by bumping the date back a few hours.

The Most Dramatic Cocktail Party Ever
Ali enters the cocktail party wearing what I have to assume is an old bridesmaid’s dress that she’s trying to get a second use out of. She adjusts her rhinestone belt and then gives a toast in Hunter’s honor. Chris L. gets alone time in which they discover more common interests – they both love flip cup. Justin gets some alone time again and Julie (voice of reason) tells us she can tell, “He’s definitely a clubber – he goes clubbing a lot.”

Steve tries to heed Chris Harrison’s advice about taking advantage as well and sets up a blanket and candles at the front of the house to create some ambiance while they talk. Unfortunately he has some trouble opening the champagne because he has sensitive hands and Ali needs a man who can open her liquor so she mentally notes Steve is out.

Rrroberto and Ali get some alone time in the room with the wall of a thousand candles. He unfortunately takes the opportunity to chime in with the rest of the guys and tell Ali Justin isn’t here for the right reasons. She inadvertently spills the beans about him walking up to her house and tells Rrroberto she knows he’s here for her because why else would he do that?

Rrroberto goes into the living room to tell the other guys his juicy information. Before he does though, I’m distracted by Jesse’s choice of a ‘denim on denim’ outfit. Yes, he’s chosen to wear a blue denim button down shirt with blue denim jeans. I really wanted them to pan down to his shoes because if he was wearing blue denim Keds then he would have had on the exact same outfit I wore for my 6th grade class picture. Sad but true…

So Rrrroberto tells the guys about Justin’s walk and they are livid. They confront Justin who admits he did go see her because Chris Harrison told him to take advantage of the time. They put the pieces together that Justin is to blame for cutting into Hunter’s date time and decide to eternally shun him. Justin is only used to playing the villain as his alter ego Rated-R in the ring and therefore doesn’t know how to handle conflict as himself. He walks out to the pool and cries in the shadows. Craig R. predicts that “Rated-R will stand for retired tonight – he’s not getting a rose.” I tell Craig R. it really stands for Rated Red Flag and he agrees that’s more appropriate.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali re-ties the bow on the back of her bridesmaid’s dress and then hands out roses to:

Chris L. – The one who’s my current favorite
Chris N. – Seriously who is this?
Craig R. – The one who likes to guess what Rated-R stands for
Jesse – The one wearing the outfit I wore in 1992
Kasey – The one who goes crazy according to previews
Frank – The one who is becoming more jealous
Ty – The one with the southern accent
Jonathan – The one who hopefully read my letter
And…Justin/Rated-R – The controversial “'right reasons" one

Unfortunately that means Steve and John C. (aka Buster Bluth) were sent home. Steve is shocked and Buster just wanted some juice.

Scenes for next week look like this week’s “awkward” theme will be replaced with a “crazy” theme as Kasey tries singing and inflicts some sort of personal injury. Don’t worry though – I fully expect Chris Harrison to step in and save the day. See you at the next most dramatic rose ceremony ever!