Riddle Me This...

What do you get when you combine footage of Bachelor franchise alumni making out, multiple awkward hot seats, excessive memory clip montages, and a 15-minute attempt to clear up the scandal of scandals??
Answer: A very anticlimactic Women Tell All episode that leaves you with the facial expression shown by Jake above. This year it should have more accurately been renamed "Women Tell Things You Already Know."

As far as I'm concerned the best thing about the Women Tell All (WTA) episodes in general is that Chris Harrison is center stage. This was especially true this year since that meant Jake was only on for a few minutes at the end. It's taken me all season to wholly decide this but I have unequivocally reached the conclusion that Jake is one of my least favorite bachelors. The cheese factor is over-the-top and what he wants to appear as (the good guy) is not really who he is (the guy who uses something other than his brain to make decisions).

Let the Clip Montages Begin
So we start with Our Host Chris Harrison stepping out on stage with a "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" logo on the screen behind him. Below the logo is an image of a motorcycle in the sunset...they're clearly not ready to give up on this Top Gun theme. Chris reminds us (just in case we forgot) of the biggest scandal ever in bachelor history and maybe even the biggest in reality TV history and actually likely the biggest scandal ever in the history of the world - Roz "cheating" on Jake with an unnamed producer.

Chris tells us that he got to sit down with Jake and talk about all the crazy events of this season. But first, we get to relive the scandal with a memory clip montage of how it all went down. Chris confronts Roz and then Jake & Chris tell the ladies Roz is out and then the ladies all start crying (still not sure why). After the flashback Jake tells Chris his first thought after the scandal was that "going on a reality TV show to find love was a mistake." I'm thinking he changed his mind on that stance after making out with multiple women.

Chris asks Jake about the "ultimate game player" Megan Fox, I mean Elizabeth the Nanny and Jake tells us, "I've had games ruin more relationships than I can count". Yet you went on a reality TV show with essentially the same framework as any other competitive reality TV show except for instead of winning challenges the "ladies" competing win roses. Yea...no games here.

We get more flashbacks of the infamous bungee jump with Vienna and the fortune cookie dinner with 10ley and of course the wailing over Ali's departure. Chris asks Jake what it's going to be like to see Ali again and Jake says it will be difficult...the stage is set for the dramatic reunion!

Bonded by The Bachelor
Once we're back to the WTA stage Chris tells us that nearly 500 men and women have been a part of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Yes - nearly FIVE HUNDRED....we had to rewind at the watching party to make sure we heard that correctly. As Amy P. then said, "That's nearly 500 lives ruined." In an attempt to plug the Bachelor spinoff show (who knew a spinoff of this thing was even possible?), we get to see mini reunions of these former members of the franchise.

The first clips are of one group of Bachelor alumni in Vegas and another group on a cruise - in both locations they're essentially all just making out with each other and talking about how good-looking they all are. I was reminded of Zoolander. Deziray is there from The Prince's season - I didn't watch that season but hearing her speak about judging people while wearing a tiara made me sad that I missed it. I can only imagine the one-liners that this girl provided. Bear-lover Natalie was there and I was so happy they played that clip again of her telling Jason something else important that he should know about her is she loves bears. Classic. Then of course "America's Favorite Villain" Wes was there and said something about how his dating life was great before but now he gets "like 1,000 more nibbles." Classy nibbles I'm sure. Kiptyn and his abs are there and watching party member Emily reminds us that she saw him! He was with a "leggy blonde" when she had the star spot so it's possible it was with Natalie or some other former member of the franchise.

Then we see another group of prestigious alumni members who are taking part in the "Bachelor Gives Back" charity event- clearly a total rip off of American Idol Gives Back but whatever. Amy P. had my favorite line of the night when she said, "What are they giving to people - std's?" We see kids getting off a bus and it's clear these kids had a major let down moment when they learned the "celebrities" they would get to meet were former contestants on the Bachelor. The highlight of the segment was seeing breakdancer Michael again - oh and also when Juan told us that "giving back to the community is definitely man code." Where is angry David by the way? And Ed and Jillian? And Reid!?!? I think there were some oversights in the choosing of alumni. Deanna was there and was trying to recruit some poor child to be on The Bachelor season 42 but he was not convinced although ABC did make him give her a rose at the end of the segment.

Let's Finally Hear All!
Back again on the stage of the WTA - we're now 45 minutes into this show that is supposed to be the "ladies" chance to tell all yet we've only seen them in memory clip montages so far. Finally however, Chris tells us it's time to "welcome the ladies" and he goes through the cast of characters there. From memory I think it was Kathryn, Valishia, Ashleigh H., Corrie, Jessie, Christina, Channy (!), Gia, Ali, Ella, and Crazy Michelle. I'm sure I missed some of the women who were there but that probably means they didn't speak. I'm super glad Valishia is there because I still want to get to the bottom of this unmarried homemaker job she's got going on.

Ashleigh H. clears up what's been causing all of us to lose sleep - her fall into Jake's arms out of the limo was rehearsed. Jessie says something about how she was nervous and Emily at the watch party says that's the first time we've heard her speak. Then we get to see some never before seen clips from the fun that the ladies had in the house. This was definitely one of the best clips of the night because we got to hear some of the ladies well-said thoughts on 10ley. Jessie thinks she "fell out of a Disney movie" (totally agree girl!), Vienna thinks she "dreams in cartoons", and Gia with the line of the night says she thinks "10ley probably s*&$@ rainbows." Classic.

Chris asks why everyone had beef with Vienna and Ella says she is young and immature. Gia sticks up for Vienna and says she's a good person. I'm distracted by the wedding ring that Chris Harrison is wearing - is that bling? Then Chris asks Elizabeth about her kiss me-kiss me not game and Farrell notices that Elizabeth kind of looks like Miley Cyrus now. I can sort of see it...

Elizabeth says watching it back she thought it looked "stupid" and Chris tells her "Yeah, you're never as cool as you think you are." Buuurrrrn! Then we finally get to the "10,000 pound elephant in the room" - the Roz scandal. Gia says "as her roommate something definitely went on because there was a night she was not in the room". Jessie decides to really live up to the title of this show and tells us all. She says she walked in from the pool one day and turned the corner to see the unnamed producer and Roz making out on the stairs. Now we all know why Jessie was kept around as long as she was even though we saw no more than one conversation between Jake and her. Ella reminds us that she's the Southern belle and says, "We were all fixin' to go to bed one night..." and then continues with some story that I still don't understand about how Roz wanted the unnamed producer to tuck her in. She lost me at fixin' to. Chris says Roz is here but we all know that means she won't make an appearance until the end of the show.

Hot Seat Rounds
Chris calls Gia up to talk with him and a pink walking disco ball then gets up and makes her way to the dreaded hot seat. We see the montage clip and Emily at the watching party gives Gia a "Bless her heart" because it's clear that Gia really fell for this guy for some reason. Gia tells Chris that, "Being on the Bachelor was the best experience of my life." I tell Gia she needs to reevaluate her life.

Next contestant on the hot seat of shame is Crazy Michelle. We see the clip montage of all her crazy moments and then surprisingly Michelle answers Chris' questions in a way that I do not think is crazy. In fact she is even credited with saying the most truthful statement of the night when she tells Chris, "Coming on this show is not the true way to find love." Ali (the likely future bachelorette) defends the show and is offended that Crazy Michelle is basically saying you can't fall in love on the show because she did. And then she left it for work - remember that America, don't you feel sorry for Ali - don't you want her to be the next Bachelorette? She thought so...

Speaking of the next Bachelorette, Ali takes the hot seat next and has chosen to wear a brown dress instead of her signature yellow. During the clip montage we see the time during her hometown date when she told Jake, "If you ask me to marry you today I would say yes." To which Emily at the watching party responded, "But if you ask me tomorrow I'm gonna say I have to go to work." Chris asks Ali about any regrets she may have and she tells us that she thought Jake would come after her because you know he's a pilot and he rides a motorcycle and that's what happened in Top Gun and isn't that what ABC was going for? But she took the risk because she once read a hallmark card that said "Life is measured by the risks we take," and she really believes that. It's deep. Also she wants America to know that she is very sorry that she came across as a B when speaking to Vienna - she publicly apologizes to Vienna and encourages her to stay strong even though she's getting trashed in the tabloids. I was expecting her to then say LYLAS but Chris Harrison cut her off to say she had many fans and that was all she came here to do so she finished talking.

Scandal of Scandals
Time for the 10,000 pound elephant to enter. We see Roz being escorted by a burly man backstage. She waits behind the curtain and says aloud "I should have peed first." Has she not learned there are cameras everywhere yet? Chris welcomes her out and assures her he has "no ill will toward her" but just wants to find out "what is true in her mind". He asks her to go through the process of how she met this unnamed producer and the type of contact they had, just so we're clear "in her mind". Roz says the camera crew came to her house to do the interviews with her and she became friends with the unnamed producer but nothing more than friends. The girls start piping in with their evidence and Roz gives them the stink eye.

Jessie swears on her dog's life (because that's the most important thing in her life) that the staircase story is true. Roz ups the ante and swears on her son's life that it's not true. The audience gasps. Ella the Southern mom chimes in and tries to tell that story about bedtime again that doesn't make sense - this time she uses "fixin' to" again but also says, "we were all like what the haail?!" Way to walk right into a stereotype Ella. Valishia the homemaker with no income source (how does she do that!?!) says she was friends with Roz but as the evidence is mounting and also because one time she couldn't find her in the mansion she now believes the general public instead of Roz.

The whole time that the accusations and evidence are flying Roz is saying "Absolutely not" over and over and is giving her best shocked face...
After Chris compares her to his son who makes up stories about "unicorns and magicians" and calls it the truth she moves into major defense mechanism mode and says, "Riddle me this Chris, there were cameras all over the mansion how is it that there is no tape of the biggest scandal in the world?" Chris says they don't tape 24/7 and the unnamed producer would know which rooms were safe for scandalous activity. Roz says it's all lies and then goes after Chris personally saying that the unnamed producer said Chris was hitting on his wife in New Zealand. Wait a minute - the unnamed producer is married?? Way to many twists in this scandal. Chris says he's not acknowledging that comment with a response but he did give a response today on his blog if you're interested in reading more about the scandal of scandals.

Jake Tells us Too Much About his Heart
After Roz it's Jake's turn in the hot seat. Chris tells us, "Back by popular demand please welcome Jake!" Really Chris? Popular demand? I highly doubt that - in fact I believe there were way more popular options for this position (i.e. Kiptyn, Reid) that must have turned it down leaving you with Jake. Chris asks Jake what this journey has been like and he says something like, "You make some friends...you fall in love with a couple of girls...yada yada yada...it's awesome." Then he has a chance to give closure to several of the ladies. He starts with Gia and tells her, "When you were sitting on that bench, my heart was crying." My heart was crying!?! There was a collective eye roll at the watching party at likely around the world...I had to focus on keeping my dinner down.

Next he tells Ali, "When that limo pulled away I really wanted you to jump out." So basically he wanted her to risk physical injury and she wanted him to fly across the country to pursue her. No drama here. Chris asks Jake if that was the hardest part and he says there are more hard parts that haven't aired yet but "that hit about a 10". He steals a line from James Taylor and tells Ali, "You've always got a friend." Julie at the watching party thinks he means a friend with benefits.

Kathryn confronts Jake and says she didn't think she got a chance to which he says "there was something in my heart saying little things were not going to work between us." At this point I am very tired of hearing about Jake's heart. Unfortunately we're not done because next he tells Christina that when he watched the episodes back on TV he saw a side of her that he didn't get to see and it "broke his heart" that he missed out on seeing her funny side.

Finally we're done hearing about Jake's heart (this week) and it's time for the blooper reel! This season had some good ones for sure - Chris singing "On the Wings of Love" to Jake and using the flight attendant two-finger point, Jake asking Chris how he gets his teeth so white, and 10ley jumping out of the wardrobe trunk to scare Gia were the highlights I remember.

Chris asks Jake if he's happy with his choice to which Jake replies "Yes." Then Chris sets up clip montages of the history of both Vienna and 10ley by saying "Jake will hopefully choose one of these women." Hopefully, huh? Any chance Jake is pulling a Brad Wommack and leaving both women at the rose stand? Scenes for the finale show a lot of wailing over a railing...
Chris Harrison calls it one of the most emotional finales ever...I'm thinking I better skip dinner prior to the show, I'm not sure I'll be able to stomach the wailing.

I'm giving major props to watching party participant Amy P. who made this profound observation: Jake tells Chris the reason he's kept Vienna around despite many women telling him she has red flags all over her is because he decided he can't worry about what other people think. However, as Amy pointed out, Jake was the #1 informant to Jillian regarding the sketchiness of Wes so it's interesting that he is now paying no attention to what these women are saying even though they are doing exactly what he did with Jillian. Oh the irony!!

Be sure to check out the Pop Watch recap and I Hate Green Beans! See you next week for the most dramatic, emotional finale ever. Of course followed the next week by the most cheesy and over-the-top wedding since Trista & Ryan's nuptials.

The Story of "Two Ladies and a Tramp"

The title of this post is courtesy of Farrell at the watching party...I'm sure you can figure out which lady we consider to be the tramp.

So here we are in St. Lucia - yep, we're all here...except apparently for Chris Harrison because again we begin the show with Jake walking around his hotel room telling us he never expected this journey to be so powerful. As he talks about why he loves each woman we are treated to a memory clip montage of the "journey" he's been on with each of the lucky ladies. It's here I remember that since we're down to 3 contestants, the clips of previous footage will increase significantly. Great.

Gia has the first clip montage and Jake tells us that when he first saw Gia he thought "what a beautiful girl." Carrie at the watching party shares that when she first saw Gia she thought, "what is wrong with her face?" When she wears red lipstick references to the joker have been made...that's all I'm saying. 10ley's montage is next and Amy P. & Carrie take this time to ponder what life as a couple would be like for Jake and 10ley. They conclude a typical conversation would be: 'I love you...no, I love you more......dance off time!' Vienna had a clip montage too but all I remember is that I didn't like the dress she wore out of the limo - major foreshadowing for the number she picked for the rose ceremony.

Then we see Ali in what appears to be a hotel room but we are told that it's actually her room. Oh look on her nightstand she has several 8x10 photos of Jake holding roses that she clearly had printed from the ABC website...because that's normal. She tells us she is distraught over her choice of work over love and ironically she can't even work because all she thinks about is love. I'm guessing she also can't work because she's in an undisclosed hotel room instead of her home in San Francisco.

Jake picks up some rocks out of the ocean and then throws them back into the ocean as he ponders this difficult decision. I notice a hammock in the background tied up over the water and immediately know that we'll see this hammock again.

Gia Learns the Hard Way That Jake Has No Rhythm
We see Gia making her way down a rocky path while wearing flip flops and jorts. Jake is of course strategically placed - looking over the ocean with his back toward her. She takes this opportunity to sneak up on him and wraps her arms around him. Jake turns around, relieved that it's Gia and not the cameraman. Then he asks her if she likes boats -- strike one buddy! Don't you remember Gia's boat tour of NYC for you? Clearly not. Gia tells him again that she likes boats and away they go on a boat to some other part of the island.

Jake tells us he's excited that it's, "Just Gia and I and a boat and some great people on this island." Of course he tells us this while wearing an extremely unfortunate shell choker necklace. I would love to meet the ABC stylist who told him this was a good idea. Once on the island the happy couple buy some fruit and random chotchkies. Then they listen to some street performers play music and Gia decides to start dancing. Jake feels like the choker necklace plan to fit in with the locals isn't working so he tries to get in on the dancing too and I apologize but what happened next is impossible for me to describe with words. There was bending of the knees and some sort of hip jarring and bouncing movement involved. Carrie at the watching party had the best reenactment so you should ask her to show you next time you see her. It's a good thing 10ley didn't see this attempt at dancing because I'm pretty sure her lyrical dancing heart would have been broken.

After I recovered from the fit of laughing, Jake and Gia had wisely moved on from dancing and were at another vendor to buy another chotchkie. This time it was an ugly heart necklace that Jake bought for Gia; Gia is flattered that he "gave her his heart" but knows that ugly thing is not going around her neck so she tells him she'll wear it on her wrist for the rest of her life. I see great potential for a future dramatic "ripping off of the necklace turned bracelet" in the rejection limo...

Jake tells us he's ready to make a leap of faith in this relationship as we see Jake and Gia making a leap of faith off the dock into the water. Classic. Then they make out in the water and make things awkward for the viewing audience.

Time for dinner on the island and as Gia walks down a trillion stairs Jake waves up at her so that she knows where he is. When they greet each other she shows off the ugly heart necklace turned bracelet and affirms again that she will never take it off. Over dinner Jake tells Gia he wants to take care of her and Gia's response is something like "Whoa - when did you go and get all deep? I didn't know you had this side to you."

After dinner you know what's next - hammock time!! They're rocking in the hammock when Gia steals a line from Debbie Gibson and tells Jake she gets lost in his eyes. Jake then decides this is the perfect time to break out the "forego your individual room" card and hands it to Gia. She reads it aloud and they race up to the fantasy suite. Then we see the obligatory trail of clothes leading into the bathroom and are forced to watch Jake - STILL WEARING THE SHELL CHOKER NECKLACE - and Gia make out in a bubble bath. Aimee at the watching party appropriately hopes that Gia will rip the necklace off in an act of passion. The camera fades to black and thankfully this date is over.

10ley Learns that Jake Can Lead at Dances That Involve Four Steps
10ley gets out of a SUV in the middle of a field where Jake is surrounded by helicopters. She is super excited to see him and is also wearing some super short jorts. Jake tells her they're going on a helicopter ride so that he can show her his passion since he was forced - I mean privileged to see her passion last week through the lyrical dance of her heart (also known as the most painfully awkward moment ever). Amazingly 10ley acts surprised that they are going on a helicopter ride...I'm not sure how the numerous helicopters in the field didn't give that away for her but whatever.

As they ride over St. Lucia Jake makes up stuff about the island to impress her with his knowledge. They land in a rain forest and have a picnic on some dirt. 10ley asks Jake how he will pursue her once this fantasy world is over and he responds with this gem, "Say it's Saturday night and we're at dinner and we decide let's go to the Caymans tomorrow - we can do that - I can make that happen." So basically he's saying the fantasy exotic location dates are his real life...uh huh.

They decide to go exploring after the picnic and find a black sand beach. Of course since where there's a beach there's water, they decide to go swimming and make out in the ocean. Farrell at the watch party asks, "Is this what they meant by exploring?"

Time for dinner on the island! Jake tells 10ley she looks gorgeous and she says she feels so special. Yes 10ley you're special...kind of like a 1 in 3 special. 10ley tells Jake she's falling for him and he has no words to respond so he of course answers with a kiss. After dinner Jake asks 10ley to dance which you know she LOVED. She starts making all sorts of dancing analogies, "You can lead me in dancing...I want you to lead me in life...you can dip me forever." The dip me forever received quite the laugh from the married ladies at the watching party - I'm not sure what that means...

After the dance party Jake hands 10ley the forego card and any hesitations she had melted away while they were dancing so she accepts. But not before reminding us 437 times that she normally doesn't do this. They head to the fantasy suite and look around for a few minutes but then waste no time jumping in their private pool. As the passionate music is cued they begin to makeout again and again the viewing audience is forced to watch the awkwardness until the camera fades out.

Vienna Learns the Hard Way That Jake Finds Eye Patches Puzzling
Eye rolling and grumbling lets out at the watching party which can only mean one thing - time for Vienna to make her appearance! Vienna is wearing a turquoise bathing suit and non-matching magenta cover up - off the shoulder of course, totally 80s style. For having only lived through 3 years of the 80s she sure does love the style. Jake tells her they get to play on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ship for their date and unfortunately for us we learn that Jake's idea of playing is making out.

The two waste no time as they sit on the boat - Vienna actually tries to lick his nose when going in for a kiss and then after he kisses her he licks the side of her mouth. I had to avert my eyes to make sure my dinner stayed down. When I looked back they were still making out on the boat. Then Vienna decides to make Jake wear an eye patch - pirate style. As she puts it over his left eye he squints and closes his right eye. Yes - he now has both eyes closed...and doesn't understand that that's not what you're supposed to do. Vienna tells him to close his other eye and then he laughs and opens his right eye... and then I laughed at him for the rest of the show. I also felt it necessary to write an open letter to Jake just to cover this issue in case he ever encounters a situation where it's necessary to wear an eye patch again.

An Open Letter to Jake Pavelka:

Dear Jake,

I googled "Eye Patch" today and this image of a child wearing an eye patch came up in the results: I just thought you would appreciate knowing that this small child understood that the eye not covered by the patch should remain open. I'll cut you some slack though - maybe his parents had to help him as Vienna had to help you. In the future if you are faced with the tricky task of wearing an eye patch I hope that you'll be able to visualize this cute small child and remember to keep the uncovered eye open so that you can see.

All the best,
Rebecca

P.S. Seriously why are you keeping Vienna around?

After the eye patch incident Jake decides he wants that adrenaline feeling of bungee jumping again so he suggests they climb to the top of the boat - you know because he's afraid of heights. They make it to the top and Jake kisses her while holding a death grip on the pole. As if we haven't had enough of watching them "play" once back on the bottom of the boat he tells Vienna she has to walk the plank. As she walks toward the plank he slaps her rear with a plastic sword knife. Classy Jake...I'm pretty sure 13 year-old boys still try that move too. Then he pushes her off the plank and jumps in after her.

As Jake waits for Vienna at dinner he tells us that he needs to use this time to make sure that there is substance there and that he's attracted to her heart, not just her.... He asks her if she's ready for marriage and she says yes so of course it must be true. Once Jake has that all cleared up he asks her what kind of ring she would like. A little forward! Especially since we didn't see him ask any of the other ladies this question. In an effort to keep her guessing though he then says something about how he is falling for all 3 women left. Vienna then throws all her cards on the table with with the parrot tablecloth (really ABC?) and confesses her love for him along with some tears so that he knows she's for real. Jake responds with the usual kiss instead of words and tells us, "Vienna has made my heart glow."...well crap, there goes my dinner.

Jake hands Vienna the forego card and they race to the room almost before she even finishes reading it. Once in the room Vienna tells Jake that she has a surprise for him and then goes into the other room. The watching party is certain that she'll re-enter wearing lingerie so when she does come back into the room in a tiny white gown it's a little anticlimactic. We see the couple head to the bedroom and then Vienna closes the doors as the camera fades to the moonlight.

Twist!...or Not.
Jake is putting some Oil of Olay product on his face when the phone rings in his hotel room. He answers the phone with his best "bewildered- who could this be?" face and then to no one's surprise we hear Ali's voice on the other end. We see the shot of her in her hotel room - I mean home - and Amy P. notices that she looks a little on the constipated side as she tells Jake that she made a mistake and wants to come back.

Jake tells her he's trying to "process this in his head" and gives a worried look as he holds the phone away from his face - maybe because he needs to let the Oil of Olay dry? We shoot back to Ali who makes those terrible moaning sounds we heard too much of last week. She says she can't focus on work...yada, yada, yada...he says he was forced to move on when she left...yada, yada, yada...she says this is the biggest regret of her life...yada, yada, yada...he finally says "Thanks Ali but I can't let you come back, I've moved on with the other women." Ali moans again and then says, "I will forever regret this decision," to which the watching party responded, "No you will not!". After they hang up we see the disheveled Ali sobbing and telling us through tears how sad she is. Cheer up girl - you get to meet Ellen tomorrow - that is way more exciting than dating Jake!!

To Button or Not to Button?
With the phone call of drama behind him Jake is ready to make the most important decision yet...to button or unbutton the top button on his shirt? He tries both looks and goes for the unbutton and then confidently walks into the deliberation room with our host Chris Harrison. Chris says, "On top of everything else you had going on this week you also had to deal with Ali calling (because we made her) - what was that like?" Jake responds with something about how he needs Chris' opinion on this top button dilemma and Chris rolls his eyes and cues the memory montage clips.

We see Jake thinking about his dates with all the women and I decide that ABC is forgiven of any offenses in my book because they used Jake's horrible dancing with Gia and his misunderstanding of how an eye patch works with Vienna as memory clips. After the deliberation and memory clip montages Chris Harrison says (with a straight face), "The ladies have each prepared a private video message for you from the heart."

In 10ley's video she tells him that she is glad to know she can fall in love again and then drops the baby card on him and says she's ready to have his kids. As her video is playing we see her exiting the arrival limo and I am liking the look she picked for the St. Lucia Rose Ceremony - a short black dress with a yellow flower in her hair.

The watching party decided that Gia is either drunk or really has to go to the bathroom in her video because she delivers her message while sort of curled up in a ball. As we see Gia exiting the arrival limo in a short blue sparkly number CC says, "Forever 21 called - they want their dress back!" Harsh, but true...

Vienna opens her video message with an energetic, "Hey Sweetheart!!" I have no idea what the rest of her video message said because the watching party went into a fit when she stepped out of the arrival limo. I think the consensus was that her dress looked like a cross between a tacky bridesmaid and high school prom dress. Although my sister texted with the ever appropriate, "Hey Vienna, the 80's called and they want their magenta dress with the rhinestone bow back". I think you get the idea...

Rose Ceremony
Jake walks out to the rose podium and tells the ladies, "I'd be the luckiest guy in the world to marry any one of you three." Whaaaat? Is that a compliment? Do you think these women really want to be one of three that would be acceptable to you Jake? I'm thinking Chris Harrison needs to work with our friend Jake on his compliments. After much pause for dramatic effect Jake hands the roses to....10ley....and then....more dramatic pause...Vienna. Gia takes a moment and says her good-byes per Chris Harrison's instruction and then walks out to the rejection bench with Jake.

Jake gives her some lines about how great she is and how she shouldn't settle and I'm watching with much anticipation - this is what I've been waiting for, surely she's going to rip that ugly heart necklace turned bracelet off her wrist and throw it into the ocean for dramatic effect! Alas Gia does not and actually holds it together really well - she delivers a classy rejection acceptance speech about how she wants Jake to be happy. Once in the rejection limo she does let a few more tears flow but sadly my hopes for a symbolic shedding of the ugly heart are not realized.

Jake toasts the final 2 and tells them they're heading to the southern part of the island for the final date. Scenes for next week reveal it's Women Tell All time! Look - there's crazy Michelle! Oooh - and Roz is here too! Channy - are you there? I don't see you but I hope you do make an appearance! It should be a fun time to get the gals back together. Then in just 2 weeks it's time for the most dramatic final rose ceremony ever complete with Jake crying over a railing again....of course.

Be sure to read all the other blogs for endless entertainment - Chris Harrison's, Pop Watch, I Hate Green Beans, and our fearless leader (unless heights are involved) Jake's.

On the Wings of...Haven't We Seen This Before?

We open this week again without our beloved Chris Harrison - I'm not liking this new pattern. Instead we see Jake packing for his hometown date tour across America. He tells us it's crazy that he has narrowed the field down to 4 from the original 25 women. This seems like something he might have would understand would happen going into the process that is The Bachelor, but I'm not here to judge. With all of his v-neck sweaters packed he's ready to meet the parents!

Gia in NYC
First up is Gia in NYC, who in my opinion had the upper hand going into the hometown dates because who doesn't love New York? Jake and Gia run to greet each other (of course) and then she jumps on and straddles him (of course). He holds her like a baby as she tells him that the best way to see the city in her opinion is by boat. They board the boat and Jake is disappointed to learn that T-Pain is nowhere to be found so they can't participate in a rap parody. Since he's not there they decide to point out obvious landmarks to each other instead. Then conveniently a camera appears and Gia shows off her talent as a model. Jake shows off his ability to appear as a tourist through posing as the Statue of Liberty. Jake tells us he loves that Gia is smiling which seems like an obvious thing to do in a picture but again - not here to judge. Although I will say it's very hard for me not to judge the choker necklace Jake has chosen to wear for the confessional interviews.

Gia then tells Jake about her terrible previous relationships and asks him how he will handle conflict. Jake steals a line from Elton John and says he doesn't let the sun go down on a problem. Not gonna lie - kind of wish he sang that line instead of just saying it. Gia accepts this answer because it's better than the ex who would "ignore her". Yep I'd say quoting Elton John is better than no response at all.

After the boat ride Jake and Gia go to an Italian restaurant to meet Gia's Italian New York family. Her half brother Dylan, stepbrother Erick, mom Donna, and step dad Tony Soprano - I mean Tony unknown last name (but maybe Soprano) - were all there with their fabulous accents. Donna cries when she sees "her Gia". They all eat pasta and then Donna says she wants to talk to Jake alone. She asks Jake what he sees in Gia and he says, "Gia has a way about her". Then he says something about her being organic and Donna LOVES it. I'm thinking "a way about her" is a pretty weak and generic compliment but again- not here to judge.

During this time Gia takes stepbrother Erick aside to get his opinion. Erick says Jake seems like a nice guy but tells Gia to watch out. Gia agrees that she will be cautious and then in the next sentence says she doesn't want to watch out anymore. Good talk! Carrie at the watching party says aloud the one word that I'm certain everyone was thinking during this conversation, "eyebrows."

Gia and Donna walk in a zig zag down the sidewalk before sitting on a bench to discuss Jake. Donna tells Gia, "I was watchin' him at dinna and I sawl the love en his eyes for ya." Gia thinks it's a little early to definitively say Jake loves her. Donna then gives her girl some advice, "Reach for da stars but with one foot planted on da ground so you don't fall." I'm thinking about stitching that sound advice on a throw pillow for our home.

Meanwhile at the dinner table eyebrows - I mean Erick - threatens to hunt Jake down and break his legs if he hurts Gia. Tony Soprano looks on. Then Erick tells us that he thinks Jake is a good guy and not one of those guys just looking for an accessory to carry around with him.

After dinner Jake tells Gia approximately 32 times that her family is really sweet. Gia picks a stoop for them to sit on and tells him her favorite thing to do is sit on stoops and watch taxi cabs go by. Jake asks her if she's every kissed on a stoop, she says no to which Carrie at the watch party says "Oh - I don't buy that Gia!" They kiss on the stoop and people who live in the building that the stoop belongs to are trapped inside because the camera guys don't want someone messing up this money shot.

Ali in Williamstown, MA
Ali screams when she sees Jake, then they run to greet each other (of course) and she straddles him (of course). Jake tells us he's ready to "get real close with Ali". They sit on a bench outside even though it looks freezing cold. Jake then brings the lurch kiss back and goes in for one with Ali but she's obviously not expecting him to lurch at her so her instincts kick in and she dodges him slightly, causing his lips to land on her cheek. When will Jake learn to stop the lurch kiss?

They talk about the foliage and then Ali says when she was young she used to catch leaves in the wind and make wishes on them. I'm pretty sure that she made that up as a 5 year-old because everyone knows you wish on stars in the sky or coins thrown in a fountain...who has ever heard of wishing on a leaf? That's just ridiculous. Ever the romantic, Jake overlooks her confusion on wishing objects and walks her over to a tree to shake a branch and make leaves fall.

Then Ali tells Jake she wants to take him to the house of her grandmother who passed away right before she left for The Bachelor. I have to say this sounded very odd and creepy; I do empathize with Ali for the loss of her grandmother but really the whole thing was weird. Obviously there's not much humor in the death of a family member, however thanks to the watching party there were a few memorable comments/moments (sorry if you don't get credit for your line watching party members - I couldn't keep up!):

• Jake tripping up the stairs to the house because, "he saw the ghost of Gram!"
• Ali says her Grandma was always waiting in the window when she got home from school - and (cue spooky music) she still is...
• Carrie can't get Allison Krause's Ghost in this House out of her head.
• And Farrell (the ever-loyal Jillian fan) says, "Remember Jillian's grandma - she was awesome!"

When they leave Jake tells us that going on the house tour was "intense...it made me think about life." I think they cut off the end of that sentence which likely was, "...which I try not to do very often."

It's time to meet Ali's family - the couple enters her house and is greeted by her mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. Again Carrie at the watching party says what we're thinking, "What is it with these guys and eyebrows?" Beth tells Jake over dinner that she hadn't heard of him or watched the previous Bachelorette prior to Ali going on the show. So naturally before he came she did some research on YouTube and thankfully for him the clip that popped up showed him talking about how he is looking for heart, not good looks, in a woman. Beth then speaks to Jake alone and proceeds to ask him the easiest questions ever.

Beth: "So what's your view on family."
Jake: "It's extremely important to me."
Beth: "Okay great, you know Ali has strong feelings for you."
Jake: Nods in agreement, "If Ali makes it to the end of this journey with me can I have your blessing to propose to her?"
Beth: "Well since family is extremely important to you, sure!"

Jake and Ali then walk outside to two strategically placed chairs near a fire. They make out. I am distracted by the large embroidered scarf that Jake has wrapped around his neck. Ali tells Jake she would accept a ring if he gave her one now. Then Jake gives her a look of determination and takes off his gloves...he is not getting a ring out of his pocket now is he? He puts the gloves on the bench...is he?? Is this why there is no rose ceremony - he's just going to end it now?? Everyone at the watching party is holding their breath, certain he's about to do or say something significant when...he grabs her head with both glove-less hands and...continues making out with her. Seriously? In the next shot of them kissing we see the gloves are back on because let's be honest - it's too cold for him to continue being dramatically romantic.

10ley in Newbert, OR
We see 10ley walking around in her enchanted forest telling the birds and animals about the prince that she met through this magical reality dating show called The Bachelor. Jake tells us he is excited to see 10ley again because he likes her "core values and goals in life". They run to greet each other (of course) and then Jake picks up 10ley, ready for her to straddle him as is the custom on this show, but 10ley knows princesses don't straddle so she just remains elevated in his arms about an inch from the ground.

10ley tells Jake that her ex-husband wasn't a team player in their marriage so she wants to know how feels about being on a team. Jake says in a marriage you have to be a "We-Unit". To which CC at the watching party responded with , "G-Unit!" I do think it's likely Jake was trying to say that once married they'll be forming a rap group called the We-Unit. 10ley's cool with that as long as she can dance in the music video. Speaking of dancing...

After the enchanted forest they walk into the dance studio that 10ley grew up in. She tells him she wants to dance for him because dancing is "a little bit of her insides." (whaaat?) She changes into a contemporary dance outfit and then tells Jake she has choreographed a dance specifically for him - it's the "dance that's in my heart." She tells him to push play and then sit on the stool for the awkward presentation of dancing. He pushes play and to the horror of the watching party the wedding music starts playing. Noooooo! The next few minutes are a blur because I really had trouble watching this "lyrical routine"...it was crossing over into the Michael Scott painfully awkward category for me. I'd like to think this whole thing was a back-up plan crafted by 10ley so that if she gets the boot she'll follow in Melissa's footsteps and be the chosen for "Dancing with the Stars". That's the only way I can continue to look at her with respect.

After So You Think You Can Dance is over, the couple moves to 10ley's parents house where her mom Beth, dad Robert, and sister Carly are there to greet them. 10ley's family is happy she's happy and they all enjoy a happy dinner together. Then Robert takes Jake upstairs to have a chat. It's here that Robert shows his bravery in admitting that he has in fact watched The Bachelorette before. He saw Jake on TV and noted to his wife that 10ley should find someone like him. (note - not specifically him). Jake says he's a good guy because he was "raised to do the right thing". After a manly handshake the men head back downstairs.

Robert has a very candid moment with 10ley at the table and you can tell he's just a good guy - I knew I liked him when he said he watched The Bachelorette! It's now Beth's turn to talk to Jake. She says it's been a hard year since the divorce - and the watching party in unison says, "It's only been a year!?" But Beth assures Jake if anyone can be ready to jump into another marriage it's 10ley.

The family gets back together downstairs and points fingers at who made them each cry first. Then Robert and Jake go out on the porch for round two of the questioning. Jake asks for permission to "beg" for 10ley's hand in marriage if she's the last one standing. Robert says, "I could give my blessing to someone like you." Jake overlooks the "like you" part and assumes he meant specifically him, not someone with similar qualities.

10ley walks Jake to the car and says, "Thank you for taking the time to meet my fam---" the end of the sentence is cut off by that darn lurch kiss Jake keeps bringing back. Chris Harrison seriously needs to talk to him about this.

Vienna in Sanford, FL
The Bachelor is interrupted by a commercial for the Dukes of Hazard - and look there's Daisy in her signature shorts. Oh wait - no sorry, this is still the Bachelor; that's just Vienna in the shorty shorts and off the shoulder 80s shirt. They run to greet each other (of course) and before Vienna can straddle Jake sets her back down. Interesting observation. Vienna says they're going on a boat ride and Jake rejoices at the chance for T-Pain to be on this boat since he wasn't available in NYC. Sadly there's no T-Pain on this small river boat either. However, there is again, the pointing out of obvious things. Except for this time instead of landmarks it's animals; we've really come full circle in this episode. Vienna tells Jake her dad hasn't liked any boys she has brought home or rebound married so good luck!

After the boat ride they head off to meet the family. They are greeted in the house with lots of crying and hugging by Vienna's dad Vinnie, mom Lisa, sister Kayla, and small dog Chloe. Can we just pause for a moment and acknowledge that Vienna's dad's name is Vincent (Vinnie)? Vincent...Vienna....anyone else wonder how Kayla feels about her place in the family? Vinnie takes Vienna aside and asks how she for real feels about this guy. Vienna answers "I'm really falling for him and he's exactly the kind of guy you told me to find."

Then Vinnie takes Jake into the garage and starts telling him the way it's gonna be. He says, "Vienna is a princess and that's what she deserves to be treated like. You'll find that if you treat her as a princess she'll do the same for you - you'll come home and the house will be clean and she'll raise your kids right." I find it ironic that Vinnie thinks his princess Vienna would do something as lowly as clean a house. Jake has some response about how he believes she is a princess too but what stands out to me here is that he's laying on the Texas accent way more than he did in the other hometowns. I'm thinking our boy Jake has been a bit of chameleon to win approval from the respective families...

Over dinner Jake tells the family how the other women he's been dating have been jealous of Vienna because of the connection they have. Vienna's mom (who is sporting Vienna's natural hair color) tells Jake that it's been like that her whole life - the other girls are always jealous of Vienna. It's always something wrong with the other people, there is of course nothing wrong with their princess Vienna. Then they talk about how many cars Vienna has wrecked and laugh the night away.

Vienna takes Jake back inside for a goodbye make out session when Vinnie does a "knock and walk in" on them. Awkward! Vienna then tells her dad to give them a few more minutes. SO AWKWARD!!! Vinnie says something about being just outside the door and I silently hope this date is over.

Deja Vu Begins
Back in Beverly Hills we see Jake in the same hotel room that Jillian was in when Ed knocked on the door and said he had to leave for work reasons. That's odd that we're revisiting this place, I wonder why. Jake is talking about how he loves 4 women when all of the sudden there's a knock on the door! Jake opens the door to find....(after a dramatic pause)...a visibly upset and crying Ali. She enters the hotel room and Jen at the watching party has an ingenious guess, "She's pregnant! It's morning sickness!" That would be an excellent dramatic twist! Through tears Ali tells Jake that she has to choose between her job and staying on the show. Seriously ABC? This storyline has so been done before.

Ali tells Jake she needs help deciding...yada, yada, yada...Jake talks about minimizing your life regrets...yada, yada, yada...Ali cries more and wants a guarantee to stay...yada, yada, yada...Jake says Take a Chance on Me (and I start thinking again about how much more fun it would be if Jake sang the song instead of said the line). Ali says she'll let Jake know her decision at the rose ceremony, he walks her the door and then she gives the most pitiful puppy dog face and waves goodbye before slouching and stomping down the hallway. Once she's farther away from Jake's door she does the "Drop and Sob" as CC calls it which might sound similar to the "Bend and Snap" but has much less effective results.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever...or Not!
Chris Harrison and Jake walk down a fancy hallway into the fancy deliberation room with determined expressions - they've got some serious things to deliberate here. Jake starts telling Chris how torn he is for Ali and this decision. Laura at the watching party questions aloud if he is going to start crying to which CC responds, "No, there's no railing or balcony for him to lean over dramatically." Jake says he'll do a back flip if Ali stays which really makes me want Ali to stay because I'd like to see that actually.

As Jake deliberates, we see the ladies arriving and exiting the limo. Vienna is in an unfortunate satin purple number, Gia is convinced that she looks good in red clothing paired with bright red lipstick, 10ley has on a very cute ensemble, and Ali looks like at any moment she is going to be sick all over her shoes that don't really match her dress.

Once all the ladies are in Rose Ceremony position Ali asks Chris if she can talk to him for a second. The other ladies look shocked and confused as Chris says yes and escorts her away to see Jake. Ali goes for her best "bewildered look" as she is escorted into the sacred deliberation room by Chris. Jennifer at the watching party suspects this is all an act and I have to say I questioning it myself because it's hard for me to believe someone is capable of this level of pouting. She sits on the couch and begins saying words that do not form coherent or complete sentences. Jake tries to calm her down by draping her legs over him - you know, "Gia's thing".

Ali sounds like she's getting over a cold as she makes some moaning sounds. Jake tells her that he doesn't want her to go and she wasn't on the chopping block tonight. Ali then messes up her hair more and tells him she loves him. They make out and Chris Harrison comes back in and asks if she's made her mind up because frankly it looks like she's decided to stay. Ali begins weeping and says she needs more time. Chris Harrison gives her a, "Are you serious right now?" look and she then tells Jake that she has to go. Jake channels his inner soap opera character and says, "I feel like you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." He tries one more lurch kiss which pretty much seals Ali's decision to leave.

He walks her out to the limo and they hug goodbye. I'm pretty sure she wiped her nose on his jacket before releasing from the hug. She gets in the limo and Jake emphatically shuts the door. Ali questions aloud to the ABC therapist in the car if she made the right choice. Jake turns around and sees a stair rail...yes- his emotions can be released! As Farrell said, "Where there's a railing there's a wailing!"

Jake pulls himself together and reenters the rose ceremony that is no longer a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison tells the ladies that Ali has left and so therefore, "for the first time ever in the history of the franchise that is The Bachelor, there will not be a rose ceremony tonight." The ladies can't contain their joy over the exit of Ali. Jake calls them down to pick up their roses and you just have to wonder who was on the chopping block tonight if it wasn't Ali....add that to the list of burning questions we'll never know the answer to about this show.

Chris announces that the group will be heading to St. Lucia next week for the fantasy suite dates and then the camera switches to Ali in the limo saying aloud, "What did I do?" I'm hoping the therapist was wise and told her, "You got out of that crazy situation on your own - good for you girl!" However, I'm guessing that wasn't the response seeing as the scenes for next week show Ali calling Jake on the phone...and also Jake pondering life while overlooking the ocean in his karate pants. And the drama continues (of course)!

On the Wings of an Awkward Turtle

I sincerely, extremely, greatly apologize for the large delay of this post. I will not make excuses or try to tell you how busy things have been since I've been back because making you read all of that would only delay the Bachelor post more so just know adjusting time zones and going back to work and trying to write a blog about the Bachelor is too much for one day.

Also before we begin I want to extend my great appreciation to the special guest blogger who took over for me while I was gone. I didn't have any doubt that she would provide detailed and hilarious recaps but I have to admit I was blown away at the time and energy she put into it! I'm sure everyone agrees that she went above and beyond the call- I feel very fortunate to have this guest blogger as my friend!

Okay on to the show...

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Jake, the Awkward Turtle*Photo altered from http://www.russelldauterman.com/terry/index.html

At the start of the show we learn the RV road trip is over and this week's dates will take place in San Francisco. We learn all this not from our beloved Chris Harrison but instead from robot bachelor Jake. I immediately panic and question what happened to Chris Harrison while I was gone but am told by the watching party members that he was present last week so no one knows where he is. Don't these girls care? Aren't there worried? Do they not have hearts? Alas all they care about is themselves. It's like they think they are the stars of this show or something. Everyone knows Chris Harrison is the real star of the show.

Jake explains there are 3 one-on-one dates this week and 1 two-on-one date and then leaves the first date card with 10ley. Stick with the pilot gig Jake - you definitely do not have a future in hosting reality TV programs.

10ley reads the date card that *shockingly* says she gets the first one-on-one. She is extremely excited and can't believe it's finally her turn for a one-on-one date. Then a panic attack sets in because she realizes it's her turn for a one-on-one date. I can't help but think in her mind she was singing 'I'm so excited, I'm so excited....I'm so...scared!' Will she be able to maintain her bubbly composure through the entire date?? She leaves to get ready in an outfit that enchanted birds and mice have sewn together for her.

One-on-One Date, 10ley
"Let's Get on Track"...aka "Let's Make the Viewers Nauseous from Cheesy Talk"
Jake tells us 10ley is so positive all the time...like ALL the time. He wants to find out if his theory is correct. He believes that there's a chance 10ley is actually an animated fairy tale princess that was pushed down a man hole by the evil queen and then turned human when she showed up in California at this house with all these other women who think they are princesses but really are just princess wannabes. I think he may be on to something...

Jake and 10ley take the trolley around San Francisco and end up in Chinatown which is like China...but not. They get to see how fortune cookies are made which if I'm being honest was maybe one of the most exciting things I've seen on this show. I admit I was enthralled. They make up their own fortunes to put inside which we'll get to later. Then they go outside and listen to a musician play a sledgehammer to the tune of what appears to be the beginning of the Titanic song. Trust me, I would know this.

Meanwhile back at the hotel--motel--Holiday Inn, the ladies hear a knock on the door and screaming ensues. It's another date card which Corrie reads aloud, "Ali and Vienna...come be the queens in my castle." Nice job ABC producers - way to manufacture the drama for this less than exciting season! The camera pans between the enemies who both look like they've just been told they won runner up for prom queen. Ali loses her filter and says out loud in a normal voice that everyone in the room can hear, "I feel sick right now." Corrie senses this joke isn't going over as well as her stand-up routine did and decides to pull the plug - through nervous laughter she announces "You guys - I'm kiiiiddding!!!" She secretly hopes Jon Lovitz was watching so she can get another spot at his comedy club. I secretly hope she's kidding about kidding and that the producers put the frenemies on the date together. Corrie tells us Gia and Vienna are the actual ladies on the date. Vienna still looks like she wants to punch Ali and Ali can't figure out why because she doesn't realize what she said out loud when she blacked out from anger. She tells Vienna it's not personal and when Vienna confronts her about what she said after the last most dramatic rose ceremony Ali continues to make some hilarious attempts at turning the situation back on Vienna.

Ali: "How do you know I was talking about you?"
Vienna: "I heard you - you are not a low talker and I was standing right beside you like the producer told me to and you said if I'm the girl for him then you're not."
Ali: "You misunderstood, I said if the color Sienna is for him, I'm not for him. I look terrible in Sienna, yellow is clearly my color - have you seen how many yellow dresses I've worn. I can see how you thought I said Vienna because Sienna rhymes with Vienna. But I didn't...I said Sienna...and I'm sticking to it."

Back to the one-on-one date, Jake still has not decided if 10ley is an actual person or a fictional animated princess so he decides to continue the date at the top of a tower...much like an animated princess would dine. Unfortunately this is also the point where Jake chose to wear a black turtleneck. The watching party (myself included) was very confused with this outfit choice. CC thinks he either accidentally took a stagehand's outfit or forgot his white paint for his face to complete his mime outfit. I am thinking he thought this date would be in a dimly lit coffee shop where he would be asked to read poetry. As the episode went on and it became clear that this week's theme is 'awkward situations' I then understood he wore the turtleneck as a symbol of himself being the awkward turtle. This show is so deep.

Cheesiness continues at the dinner table, Jake asks what 10ley would have done differently in her marriage and she basically says she would have spent more time with her husband instead of cooking or working. Jake asks where that answer came from and she answers, "From the heart." I begin to wish someone would bring him white paint so that we could just see them silently mime to each other for the rest of dinner. No words needed.

10ly asks about "pilots and unfaithfulness" and Jake responds that "cheating is a choice and his wife will be the last woman he looks at." Then they open their personalized fortune cookies which both said "Kiss me." Wow - very original couple here!! Jake says great minds think alike...I say boring minds also think alike. Emily at the watching party says they are so MFEO. (made for each other). I learn a new acronym to start using. And once 10ley doesn't turn into an animated princess when Jake (prince charming) kisses her, his fears are put to rest and he believes she actually is a real person. I'm still not so sure.

Two-on-One Date, Vienna & Gia
"Be Queens of My Castle" aka "Be Queens of Awkward"
Back at the hotel--motel--Holiday Inn there is a knock on the door again, screaming again - you know the drill. The ladies open the door to see a huge chest that they all have to work together to carry into the room. Team building exercises are always a good way to unite frenemies. Once inside they open the chest to find...lots of clothes! Vienna thinks it is soooooo sweet that Jake did this for her - it really means a lot to her that he would buy her clothes because that is her love language. I'm not sure how she hasn't yet caught on that this a TV show in which ABC pays for and plans everything. Has she seen Jake pull out his wallet once?

Jake is noticeably more excited to see Gia when he greets the ladies at the top of the stairs to his castle. He gives her a "There she is!" and then gives Vienna a "Hey you're here too". Jake holds both of their hands as they walk around in the castle. Awkward. They sit on the floor and begin to eat dinner. Vienna tells Jake he had her "shaking in her pants" at the last rose ceremony. Then tells him the turmoil she's been going through in the house because Ali is mean. She produces tears as Gia looks on in shock at the Meryl Streep performance she is sitting across from. Jake buys the routine and tells her he chose her confidentially. Then he says he's going to have some alone time with Gia. Awkward.

Deep in the wine vault Gia tells Jake she thought the draping her legs over him thing was their special thing. Clearly Gia has not ever seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette because there's pretty much always leg draping when there is one-on-one alone time. He assures her that she has other special things that are just between them. Then Gia asks if it's okay to fall and Jake says it's okay to fall but don't blame me if you get hurt because I'm the nice guy.

Meanwhile Vienna has reached the 30 minute time limit of being anywhere by herself and decides she must set out to find Jake. Fortunately there is an old lantern nearby that she can use for light in this dark and spooky castle. Unfortunately Vienna isn't the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean and has trouble following the smacking sounds and making her way down a lit hallway by herself. So she shouts out Jake's name several times and practices making her best "I'm afraid please rescue me face" for when she does find him. She makes it down the hallway and breaks up the one-on-one to get her own one-on-one.

Jake asks Vienna what married life with her would be like and she answers "miserable!". Oh wait, no sorry - that was what Emily at the watching party answered. Vienna answers something about being 6 or 16 year-olds and kissing every morning and never being sad...you know - real life stuff.

It's time to go to sleep in the castle and Jake bids the ladies good night. He gives Gia a noticeably longer hug before leaving...interesting. Once in his man cave he takes his shirt off and spreads out the bear skin blanket to assure us that he is manly. Vienna decides she hasn't been annoying enough and tells Gia she's going to find him. Awkward. She gets some wine (after all she can't show up empty handed -that would be embarrassing!) and then enters his room and plops down on the bed. They have a toast and drink and then Jake tells her it wouldn't be fair to Gia for her to stay up in his room. Vienna leaves feeling unsure if stalking him was the best decision. Jake tells the camera that Vienna is "sexy as hell" and assures us that he had "dirty thoughts". Ugh...something about him saying that just doesn't sound right. TMI Jake, TMI.

One-on-One Date, Corrie
"Fun in the Park" or "It's Fun to Tell America About your Chastity"
Corrie chose to wear stilettos for her walk in the park...fashion before practicality I guess. She slowly walks across the field in the park because she can't walk much faster in these 4" heels and Jake runs to greet her since it's in the Bachelor contract that you must run to greet a contestant when you greet each other in a large field. They walk to a very small rowboat and Jake tells Corrie to jump in the back while he does the rowing with his large muscles that deceivingly make him look athletic.

It's here we come to the most awkward moment of this episode and quite possibly the most awkward moment of the season. Oh wait - no, Channy with the dirty Cambodian talk still holds that title. Come to think of it maybe she should get a spot at Jon Lovitz's comedy club. Anyway, back to the boat - Corrie tells us that she likes a guy to lean in 90% and she'll meet him the remaining 10% for the kiss. Jake tells us that he likes to lean in 80% and wants the girl to go the remaining 20% for the kiss. You can see we have a mathematical problem here that will result in an awkward 10% space remaining between the two lovebirds in the boat. And awkward it was - you could hear the crickets chirping as they just sat there staring at each other; their faces 10% apart. Then Jake did what he does when kissing is not an option to relieve awkwardness - he said, "I'm hungry - let's get dinner". And with that he rowed them to shore.

Corrie changed into some flats for the walk around the Science Place or Discovery Place or wherever they were. She tells him she feels like there is a cloud over them. He says he's not sure why things are moving slower with her and asks her if she would move to Dallas if they got engaged. She says yes but that she would have her own apartment. He asks if she is saving herself for marriage and she affirms that she is. Then he gives a megawatt smile that I can't really read...not sure if that was an awkward smile or a genuine smile. He tells her that that is not an issue for him at all. Then they finally kiss because Jake wants to move on from this awkward situation.

One-on-One Date, Ali
"Show Me Your City" aka "Show Me Some PDA"
Ali is super excited to show Jake around San Francisco. It's her city - she knows it the best and she loves it the most - don't question her loyalty. First stop is to look at some flowers. Jake asks her what her favorite flower is and she says "Daisies...wait no - you! You're my favorite flower!" Jake silently curses that all his efforts to look manly are now void with that one comment. Next stop is at a coffee shop where Jake uses this time to be funny. He gives himself a milk mustache and then turns to say, "So can I ask you a very serious question?" Ali forces a laugh and then decides it's time to leave the coffee shop. The third stop is to the beach where as they walk along Ali tells Jake,"I'm taking this very seriously." To which Jake replies, "That's really sweet...whoa look at the bird eating a crab!"

After the beach they go to a field and play soccer and then lay out a blanket for a picnic. Ali then straddles Jake's back and gives him a back massage. I'm wondering if they remember they are in a public park with other people around. Then Jake turns over on his back and Ali gives him a frontal massage. Weird. Jake pulls her down to his chest so she will stop and then they make out on top of each other...in a public place. Emily at the watching party notes that Ali was really "putting the girls out there" and I silently pray Jake will not tell us about his thoughts again. Aimee at the watching party shares her observation that "Ali is like a forbidden fruit and he knows it." Ali tells him again how happy she is to have him in her city and Julie at the watching party says she's trying to hard - Okay, we get it - it's YOUR city Ali! No one else lives there! You own SF! Can you tell the watching party was ready to move on from the PDA in the park?

Finally Jake confronts Ali about the catty comments after the last rose ceremony. She says some words that don't really form a complete or coherent sentence and finally gets it out that she wants him to be happy so whoever he chooses is okay with her (lie). She's gonna let the whole Vienna thing go now (lie). Jake says great and is happy with himself for being such a talented mediator - add that to the resume! Then he asks if she wants to jump in the water to which she says "I will if you do". They run to the ocean and jump in - fully clothed with shoes and everything. Ali's beautiful boots are ruined!! I don't understand why she didn't slip them off before entering the water. I really think it says a lot about her character that she would ruin a perfectly good pair of boots for no reason. I hope Jake takes that into consideration.

The Handing out of Roses
Rose ceremony time and whoa - what is going on with Vienna's hair?? Did she borrow a British judge's wig?? I firmly believe this was the inspiration for her hairstyle for the night:
To each her own I guess...

Again Chris Harrison is MIA and so Jake enters the cocktail party unannounced and then announces he is falling for all 5 ladies. All 5 ladies then begin to panic. 10ley gets the first alone time and tells Jake she is worried but also she can't wait to see him dance. He says wait no further animated princess! Then they do some sort of rigid fox trot number to no music. Clearly they need dancing lessons from watch party participant Aimee (aka the dancing queen).

Next up for alone time is Corrie who says she doesn't want to be stereotyped as a virgin. Jake says it's not about sex appeal, it's about heart appeal...that's why I went on this show- to find a wife, not because I get to date 25 women and eventually have overnight dates with 3 of them. Heart appeal - yeah, that's it.

Gia is the next chosen one for alone time and she tells him he passed the test by not sleeping with Vienna while she was in another room in the castle. Hey Gia - maybe we need to have higher standards for our tests, okay? Then they make out.

And finally because he knows she will reject him if he doesn't ask her for alone time with her last, Vienna gets the last alone time. (Ali doesn't get alone time since they spent the whole day together...and also because she ruined her boots). Vienna tells Jake, "Order in the court!" Oh wait - no she doesn't say that I just thought she said that because of the British judge wig atop her head. Instead she apologizes for stalking him in the castle and he says it's okay. Then to show her he secretly did want to make out with her all night in the castle he shows her his room in the hotel--motel--Holiday Inn. Vienna feels like the princess her dad tells her she is because she got this special treat. I'm not sure Jake knows he's feeding the monster here...

Rejoice - Chris Harrison finally makes an appearance! He does the signature clink of the champagne flute and tells Jake it's time to deliberate. In the deliberation room they go through each of the ladies and honestly I think I may have dozed off because I didn't write anything down. I'm sure that Chris Harrison asked thoughtful questions and Jake gave cheesy answers - that's usually how it goes, right? The deliberation ends with Jake saying, "Tonight I have to break up with someone I don't want to break up with." I'm pretty sure the end of that sentence was Jake saying, "Right - Chris, you're saying I HAVE to break up with someone? There's no way I can get that rose back that I dramatically burned in the fire last week, right?" Chris Harrison lays down the law and tells him to quit being a flower and instead be a man and break up with someone.

Jake enters the rose ceremony with a forced disgruntled look and tells the ladies something about how he likes them all and would continue to date them all if Chris Harrison would let him. Then he hands out the roses to:

10ley: Does this mean we get to see the enchanted hometown where she came from?
Ali: More PDA ahead
Gia: More making out ahead
and.....
Vienna!: What??? Even with that hairstyle??

Groaning and eye rolling over the choice of Vienna commences at the watching party. No one really understands what he is seeing in this chick. Jake walks Corrie out to the rejection limo and I'm pretty sure they didn't say anything to each other. Once in the limo Corrie has a few drinks and tells us that she doesn't do good dating a guy who's dating four other girls. Congratulations Corrie - that means you're normal!! Someone who shall remain nameless at the watching party says something like "Virgins everywhere rally together!"

Scenes for next week reveal that there is yet another huge bombshell ahead! Chris Harrison says there will be no rose ceremony next week...whaaaaaat?? How can there be a Bachelor episode with no rose ceremony? That's like a hot dog with no mustard - am I right Jillian? Does this mean Jake gets to keep dating 4 women? What will take the place of the ceremony as the most dramatic part of the episode?? Here's hoping the drama continues with the return of... crazy Michelle!!

"Turtlenecks, in General, are Never a Good Idea"

The title of this post is a direct quote from a response to a friend's facebook status about turtlenecks. It came to mind last night when we saw Jake in that unfortunate black mock turtleneck number he wore during his dinner with 10ley. I think it says a lot about an episode when Jake's mock turtleneck is one of the things that I remember most...

Today is my first day back at work and wouldn't you know it - they saved lots of stuff for me to do! I'm also still trying to get adjusted back to Eastern Standard Time so it is with great disappointment that I tell you the recap will be posted later than usual. I am going to do my best to have it up by the end of the day. I apologize for the delay! In the meantime be sure to check out recaps on Pop Watch and I Hate Green Beans.