This is Not a Cocktail Party Anymore

Sadly there were no tales of mythical unicorns or "I want to lick your feet" happy dances this week on The Bachelorette; instead those joyous moments were traded in for intense drama and flying accusations of men not here for "the right reasons"...oh and also curling. I love this show.

Chris Harrison starts the episode by visiting the guys in the bunkhouse and reciting a lot of numbers - this week there's a 1-on-1 date, a group date with 10 guys, and a 2-on-1 date. He also tells the guys they're off to Vancouver and leaving the bunkhouse forever. Michael the break dancer sports a hoody when the guys arrive in Vancouver and I don't mean he was just wearing a hoody jacket, no he went all out and had the hood up while also excessively bopping his head in excitement over their new pad. The first 1-on-1 date is revealed and Kiptyn is the lucky guy. Jake tells the camera he is glad that it seems she's going for the nice guys and he "doesn't know why girls go after bad guys". The camera pans to Wes...

Kayaking & Cooking with Kiptynite
(Kiptyn's nickname coined by IHGB)
Kiptyn & Jillian greet each other with a very awkward kiss; she went in for the kiss, he didn't realize she was going in and turned and then tried to save it and turn back when he realized what was happening and then by that time she had turned and they essentially bumped lips. I hate when that happens. Jillian is taking Kiptyn on a kayak ride because as Jill says "it's important that the guy I pick is able to keep up with me". To which I respond in my head to her, "Clearly Kiptyn can more than keep up with you because he beat you in your race to the bridge. Oh wait - you didn't mean you were looking for someone that can keep with you in a kayak? Hmm." Anyway, they get to the market and buy groceries and then go outside the market to feed the pigeons. I think they want us to know they live dangerous and active lives - they've kayaked and risked contracting the Avian Influenza all in a matter of hours. After all that excitement they head back to Jillian's fake loft and cook dinner. After dinner they sit on the floor and drink wine talk about how they are both looking for beautiful people and lucky day they both are aware of each others beauty! Jillian does a giddy dance after he leaves which I will take any day over the squealing that usually accompanies her excitement.

Throwing a Rock on Ice is Funny
The guys on the group date learn that they will be participating in the Olympic sport of curling for their date with Jillian. I have to say I might pay more attention to this sport now during the Olympics because it is pretty entertaining. Or maybe it was only funny because it wasn't athletes participating, but more uncoordinated guys trying to show off in front of a girl. The guys were divided into two teams and the losing team would have to go back to the hotel while the winning team got to continue the date. I enjoyed Michael the break dancer the most on this date - he had some classic lines including but not limited to, "We're all going to get to throw a rock down 50 yards of ice", and "All I wanted to do was like pick her up and hug her and get hot chocolate somewhere - and not curl". Unfortunately for Michael he had the last turn and thus the last chance to win it for the blue team but he came up short and then said he was a "loserish blob of blue nothingness" which was my favorite quote from him for the night.

Jesse is the only guy to get the rock thing on the target thing and thanks to his curling abilities, the red team wins. They go on a yacht to eat dinner and spend more time with Jill. Jillian first chooses to spend alone time with Jake, they haven't had alone time since their 1-0n-1 country western date. I was fully prepared for the lurch kiss this time - just waiting every time she started to answer one of his questions for the lurch-kiss move again from Jake but alas, there was no lurching. Instead he chose to reveal to her that their dancing 1-on-1 date (direct quote) "Made my year - No! Made my life!!" Really Jake? Your life is complete after dancing to Martina McBride live with a girl you just met and barely know? That's it for you? Your life is made?? I'm thinking you've set the bar a little too low on your life. Conversation continues and Jillian tells him she thinks he might be too perfect and assures him it's okay to be himself and let some flaws come out. Alas! Our dear Jake has no flaws! He is perfection and is tired of being punished for being so flawless. His whole life he as been labeled too perfect and he can't help it that he is perfection; he's just a nice guy after all hoping not to finish last. He just wishes for once someone would be okay with all the perfection... and also his humble nature.

Troubled perfect Jake goes to Dave and laments his problem asking what he should do. I'm thinking the #1 thing he should do is NOT go to Angry Dave for relationship advice!! Angry Dave says girls like a challenge and like to challenge him. He then decides to show Jake by example and spends a good part of the beginning of his alone time with Jillian talking about her hot T&A and informs her that he knows she knows she looked hot in spandex today. What?? Is this guy for real?? Probably not according to Reality Steve, but part of me still thinks he really is that much of a creeper. After such flattering "compliments" he goes in for a kiss, Jill turns her head and his lips land on her cheek. Angry Dave is angered and says he's never been turned down from a kiss. Shocker. He takes an optimistic view though and believes her turning him down is a positive thing because she is "challenging and testing" him. He then tells the camera "It's good to be me now". I think he meant it was good to be him because he was so wasted that he wasn't feeling a thing and didn't know where he was or what he was saying or doing.

The rest of the alone times go pretty normal. An attraction is building for her with Jesse who receives the date rose because 1) he has curling skills 2) she is slowing becoming attracted to him and 3) she dug his newsboy cap. Ed still holds the #1 spot for me personally but Jesse and Reid both made some great impressions on this date.

Two Roses, One Stays, One Goes...
2-on-1 date time! Mike the slicked back hair, speedo wearing, baseball guy and Mark, the guy who was supposed to be a spy, are both going on a date with Jillian. Mike runs when he sees Jillian while Mark continues his casual stroll up to see her. They are going on a helicopter ride and then eating dinner somewhere up high. Side note: does anyone else think Jillian might be sick of helicopter rides by now? I mean between The Bachelor and the dates she's been on so far how many rides has she been on? How exciting can that be on your 47th time with a different guy? Maybe she likes it but I think it's the ABC helicopter and therefore a cheap date for ABC. Times are tough so I guess I understand. Back to the date, Jillian chooses the window seat leaving Mark on the other side to be the third wheel. Things aren't looking any better for Mark during dinner with Mike monopolizes the conversation by stating he is PIAOTing - Putting It All Out There, he believes big risks equal big rewards. In his alone time with Jillian he keeps it coming, saying he'd do anything for her, is ready to get married, yada yada yada.

Mark finally gets a chance to speak in his alone time and as I prepare myself for what must be the revealing of Mark The Spy I slowly am disappointed to realize the Mark is a Spy theory is likely incorrect. Dangit, that would've been good. Mark tells Jillian he is "looking for love, just like everyone else". Did anyone else start singing Lookin' for love in all the wrong places in their head? Just checkin'. Anyway, just when you think Mark is the one that will take the lonely gondola ride down, he starts talking about how he has been heartbroken. Jillian perks up! Little did Mark know he had just revealed the #1 quality that Jillian is looking for in a man - previous broken relationships! With his heartbroken stories, Mark secures the rose and Mike is sent down on the lonely gondola ride.

People Are Here for the Wrong Reasons
Here we are again at another cocktail party/rose ceremony - time flies when you're having fun! The theme of this rose ceremony is "someone has a girlfriend" and according to Tanner P. that someone is Wes. The guys vent about how it's so wrong that he's here for the wrong reasons as a few of them look out the window onto Jillian & Wes. Wes finishes telling Jillian he's always been faithful in relationships and then they climb back into the room through the window. Ed notes the strange choice by saying, "awkward entrance right there." Love Ed! Wes tells the camera that "the air was catching on fire back and forth" during their conversation and that he "doesn't fit in in this room of boys". I tell Wes his accent is fake and I do not like him. What?

Tanner P. can't get past the fact that someone has a girlfriend back home. My friend Aimee points out that Tanner P. just might have a boyfriend at home. Ohhhhhhh! Nice dig Aimee! I think the suspicion has been building for weeks now...wouldn't THAT be a twist!?! So Tanner decides to tell Jillian that someone has a girlfriend but he doesn't want to throw anyone under the bus so he's just going to let her figure out who on her own. Fun game Tanner P.! Jillian is very troubled by this news and in the most dramatic event of the season, she calls off the cocktail party.

Back in the deliberation room she is doing some serious deliberating when Chris tries to talk her through it. They go out to the rose ceremony resolved to find out who the two-timer is and Chris gives the guys a stern talking to. Jake says he's here for the right reasons and others start chiming in with their innocence as well. While the show is strongly leading us to believe that Wes has the girlfriend I have to believe that it's someone else or there is some other twist involved. If I've learned anything through my history with the Bachelor/Bachelorette it's that the real twist is never quite revealed. (i.e. DeAnna coming back last season meant nothing). Don't get me wrong - I still think Wes is here for the wrong reasons - I just think his "music career" is the wrong reason, not a floozy back home. But I have yet to decide who I think the real two-timer is...any guesses?

After no one fesses up Jillian decides she's going to put it behind her and hand out the roses. Angry Dave and Juan are left flower-less, quite ironic since they were the big drama last week. Angry Dave asks her "why" but thankfully shows restraint and doesn't hit anyone. I think he's more sad to be leaving because it means no more free booze. Juan tells the camera he thought he had found a friend forever and my friend Emily started singing Michael W. Smith. And with that we now begin the anticipation for next week's episode which again promises to be the most dramatic ever.

If you are in Charlotte and want to watch with us at The Cameo know you are welcome to come to our watching party every Monday night! We do enforce a strict only talking during commercials rule, but other than that it promises to be a fun night full of commentary and rewinding the awkward parts. Plus you usually get to leave with a fun handout or game of some sort. Don't forget to check out the hilarious recaps and blogs that I recommend every week - Pop Watch, Chris Harrison, and I Hate Green Beans. The Pop Watch blog includes a deleted scene that might further prove Aimee's "Tanner P. boyfriend" theory...just sayin'.