All Aboard the Crazy Train!

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette made me miss Ed Swiderski even more. These guys are all a little 'off' if you know what I mean, which certainly provides entertainment but leaves me with no one to cheer for. I tried picking the least crazy out of the crazies but it's too close to call. The most exciting part of the episode for me was the last two minutes where we got to see scenes for what's coming up so I apologize if this post isn't too fun or exciting to read. Those scenes better deliver!

Come on Ride the Train...
The episode opens with Chris Harrison greeting the guys in their hotel room - Michael looks a little odd in his red tank top and Robby D looks really cute in the glasses he's sporting. Chris tells the guys to pack their bags because they're headed on the Rocky Mountaineer train ride of love for most and pain for one. With the train announcement the train vernacular begins...Michael tells the camera, "The best thing that can happen is that Jillian & I get in a private car and then smoochy smooch ensues...this is every kid's dream to be on a train...I'm punching my ticket for a hometown date." The guys line up to get on the train and Jillian must get confused for a second and think that she is a male on the sideline of a football game because she proceeds to pat each one on the but as they go up the steps.

Robby D's Run Comes to a Screeching Halt (literally)
Jillian pulls the date card from her shirt (again) and it's revealed that Robby D will get the one-on-one date. The train lingo continues as Robby D confesses that he is nervous to get the date and will just be thinking "I think I can, I think I can" to make it through. Robby D showcases his bartending skills by concocting specialty drinks and attempting to teach Jillian how to flip and catch a cup. With their light pink drinks in tow move outside to the caboose and the wind does a number on Jillian's hair. Robby D still continues talking in train lingo and tells the camera, "He's on the right track and is confident he's getting a rose." If there's one thing I've learned in my years with the Bachelor/Bachelorette it's that if a contest tells the camera they think they are getting a rose there is then a 99% certainty that they are in fact not getting a rose. They stumble up the stairs to eat dinner and Robby D continues pleading his case to the camera stating, "Love knows no age, doesn't have a job, and can happen anywhere." I immediately think maybe this is a sign to quit my job.

However, according to Jillian love most certainly has a job because love must provide for their kids and be responsible when she hands her life over to love. As they sit down to eat dinner in the train, Robby D toasts to their relaxing (?) time together and Jillian tries to passively hint at love needing a job by asking if he's ever considered bartending school. Robby D says something about how he doesn't want to do that and is just between jobs right now and cue dramatic music. As the camera pans to the "Danger Ahead" sign, Robby D naively asks why the train is slowing down. Jillian begins talking really fast about how Robby D is like a friend to her and this isn't their time and it's not you, it's me and 10 seconds later the train comes to a screeching halt. Jill says good-bye to Robby D as the intern dumps his bags on the side of the tracks. Robby D stands next to the tracks stunned - likely more so because he was actually thrown off the train in less than a minute rather than the fact that Jillian dumped him. As the train begins to move again the remaining 7 bachelors look shocked as well and wave good-byes out the window. Michael cries.

Enter Wes the Jerk swooping in at an opportune time again. He makes his way back to Jillian's room/car to console Jillian after her speed dumping of Robby D. She tells him she thought this would be easier because she thought there would be jerks here she could easily get rid of, but unfortunately she thinks there are no jerks there. Wes the Jerk responds by saying he just wants more time with Jillian and apparently by more time he means more screen time because at this point ABC decides to finally let us in on who Wes really is...and he's a jerk. The scene cuts to inebriated Wes talking to the camera saying, "I'm the one with the *!&#@ agenda - it's me. The fame I will get from this, I can taste it, it's part of me." While everyone suspected it all along and he was red flagged from the beginning - I was shocked to actually hear him put it out there so bluntly. Girlfriend or not, I guess there is no question that Wes is definitely here for the wrong reasons.

Snowshoeing and TMI about Pajamas
Group date time! Everyone except for Reid is on the date and they are going showshoeing...exciting! Actually maybe it's more exciting when you actually snowshoe instead of watch people snowshoe because this date was pretty boring for me and therefore I'm recapping this part quickly. A game of hide & seek in the snow ensues, Jake finds Jillian cuddles in the snow, Jill says "Something about the snow is forgiving" which made me question what Jill has done in the snow.

Meanwhile back on the train Reid has resorted to walking up and down the cars asking the train staff for advice on love and fashion. Clearly the blonde woman was trying to sabotage his date with Jillian because she suggested he not wear his glasses and I think he definitely looks better with the glasses. Maybe she wanted Reid for herself? She'll have to get in line behind my friend Caroline. :)

Snoeshowing ends finally and the gang heads to some random house to hang out. Jake & Jillian get alone time by the fire outside where Jake commits a dating 101 mistake and tells Jillian that she's a lot like his mom. Oh Jake, do you really think comparing the girl you are trying to win over to your mother was a good idea? Even though your mother may be a wonderful woman who possesses the same spunk as our beloved Jillian, no woman wants to hear she reminds you of your mother. It's just not possible for that compliment to sound like a compliment. When you hear mother you automatically think "motherly" in your head...just some free advice from someone who's received her fair share of attempted but failed compliments. Jake tells the camera their conversation was electric and just when he's about to tell Jilly how much he likes her again all the guys come outside. Jake kicks himself for not having perfect timing because he is usually perfect at everything.

Next up for alone time is Kiptyn which as well all know by now means time for awkward kissing! Kiptyn tries to tell Jillian how he feels and that he's not the type of guy who doesn't want what he can't have - in fact, our Kiptyn says when a girl shows interest in him it makes him like her even more. I'm pretty sure all Jillian heard was "Yada, yada, yada" and that she was just waiting for Kiptyn to stop talking so they could practice their awkward kissing. Sure enough as soon as he takes a breath between sentences they go at it...and it's still awkward.

The gang is back together in the living room of the random house and Michael decides to ask Jillian what type of pajamas she chooses to sleep in. I wonder if Michael would still have asked this question had he known what it would eventually lead to. Jillian answers a tank top and underwear and if she's "had a couple drinks" (translation if she's toasted) then she loses the tank top. Michael confesses that he too passes on the clothes when he sleeps and I'm starting to think this is TMI. Little did I know... Then Tanner P says he can show Jillian what he sleeps in. How I wish she would have politely declined his offer, but no - instead she giggled and didn't really say anything. Tanner P proceeds to get up in front of the room and unbuckle his belt and then drop his drawers to reveal some whitey-extremely-tighties that for a second I thought was a thong. Although there wasn't much relief when I discovered it wasn't because it wasn't really that much better.

Somehow after that incident Jillian still agrees to alone time with Tanner P. And it is during the beginning of this alone time that Tanner P utters one of the most unbelievable lines ever, referring to the revealing of his package he tells the camera"She knows I have a foot fetish and now she knows I was blessed." Apparently that's not even the whole line, read Chris Harrison's blog here to get the whole scoop. You may remember that Tanner P is a financial planner and thanks to my witty friends (Aimee & Lauren) at the watching party he has plenty of names to choose from should he start his own company. "Invest with Me, I'm Well Endowed" or "Well Endowed Investments" were my favorites. Tanner P continues showing off the crazy person side of his personality by massaging her feet and telling her they are "soft as $&!#". As if that wasn't enough, he tells the camera, "I would rate her feet a 9 or 9.5...if she painted them 'mango mango' they would be a 10." I'm thinking Tanner might paint his boyfriend's toes mango mango...just sayin'.

Jesse and Michael get respective alone times next and neither were that exciting to me. Jesse tells Jillian she's awesome for the 32nd time and Michael & Jill roast some marshmallows for smores. The night ends with the mandatory hot tub scene and Jillian gives the rose to Kiptyn. Again since a rose is being handed out while the guys are in swimsuits the question of where it will be pinned comes up. I misquoted Aimee last week - she said she thought Jill was going to pin the rose on Jesse's nipple, not zipper. Thankfully there was no pinning for Jesse or Kiptyn.

Fear of Fondue
Finally it's time for Reid's one-on-one date. They are going snowboarding which apparently Reid has never done before. Jillian gives him a 3 minute lesson and then takes off down the mountain. Reid falls too many times to count but finally makes it down. Jillian lies and says he's catching on. Reid calls her out on the lie and says "falling down is catching on?" After the sporting event part of the date they make their way to the top of a mountain full of ice sculptures. They sit on an ice bench and drink beer from ice vases - I mean mugs. I was cold just watching. Jillian felt like they were king & queen. Maybe Queen Frostine of CandyLand Jill, but I don't think real life queens make a habit of sitting on ice benches. Jillian has red ears and Reid reveals that she either has high blood pressure or is horny because that's what "they" say. I'm thinking "they" are voices in Reid's head.

After Reid & Jill finally get out of the cold and into a house for dinner Jillian reveals they're eating fondue. We learn more of Reid's quirkiness through his fear of fondue. Apparently he thinks raw meant can contaminate boiling water. His neurotic nature makes her like him even more, I think because she actually feels normal around him which as we know is quite a feat. Reid secures a rose and we're off to meet the whole quirky family next week.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
The train pulls into the last stop at Banff and the gang exits to Our Host telling them it's time to get ready for the rose ceremony. Apparently Jillian thinks if you put a belt on anything it's fashionable so she's sporting a long sleeve button down shirt with a braided belt. I'm reminded of the late 90s. In the deliberation room Chris goes through each of the guys as usual and as usual she gives her pro list for the ones she likes and her con list for the ones she doesn't like.

After deliberation it's rose ceremony time...but wait - not quite yet; Jillian still has some questions for Michael. She takes Michael to the hall and asks him for the 43rd time if he is ready to settle down and have a family. He pleads his case again and says that break dance instructors make quite a good living. Or at least that must have been what she heard. Once she feels satisfied with his answer the ceremony resumes. Roses are handed out to everyone except Tanner P and Jake. Obviously those two and Michael were in the bottom 3 but I'm a little surprised she went with Michael over Jake. Tanner P is upset he didn't receive a rose, he doesn't understand because he thought being "blessed" along with his foot fetish was all a woman could want. Jake is also very sad and as he hugs Jillian good-bye he asks her why it wasn't him. When she doesn't really say anything he says, "Can you tell me quickly?" She channels the energy and speed with which she broke it off with Robby D and says something like she didn't feel a connection or it just wasn't there. And with the end of this episode we now get to...

The Best Preview Scenes Ever
The teasers for what's to come on this season were in full force!! It's like ABC thought they might lose viewers since the constant entertainment/train wreck of Tanner P was no longer. Here's what we could gather: someone comes back next week, Jake eventually comes back and confronts Wes & Jilly about Wes being a two-timer, someone has 'trouble' in the bedroom, Wes continues his self-promotion by bringing out the whole band (and she loves it), and someone (Ed? Wes? Jake?) comes back at the last second before the final rose and proposes! I'm trying to stay away from spoilers because I do love the speculation and surprise, but since I also love knowing what is going to happen I'm not sure how long I'll last. There were several theories being thrown around at the watching party after we viewed the scenes in slow motion to try to figure out which guy was where. I'm hoping to post again sometime this week with all the theories to eventually see if any of them are correct.

Be sure to read Pop Watch here and Lincee's website/I Hate Green Beans here for more discussion!