The Tattoo Heard 'Round the World

Dear tens of readers of this blog – I apologize for the delay on this post. I only emerged from behind my pillow a few hours ago due to the endless embarrassing moments from Monday’s episode. I’ll try to be better prepared for the awkwardness next time…

Episode 4 starts as any other episode has – with our dear host Chris Harrison. He enters the living room of the bachelor pad and tells the guys that they’ll be going around the world for love, first stop: NYC. They guys are super excited; Chris Harrison tells them to pull it together and pack in an hour.

Ali is already in NYC sporting her trendy yellow hat and purple gloves while casually sipping coffee as she walks the streets. She’s excited for the trip around the world with her men because that’s how you get your relationship to the next level in the real world. Also in the real world you get to be a part of an InStyle makeover and photo shoot.

A mustached man takes Ali’s photos and then the editor tells her that she’s not the only blonde who will appear in the July issue – Ali starts cursing the editor and ABC because she told them she wasn’t dealing with that fake blonde Vienna again; thankfully before things get out of hand the editor reveals the cover girl is Cameron Diaz…not Vienna.

The guys arrive in NYC and receive the first one-on-one date card which goes to Kasey…this was the end of anything relatively normal in this episode.

Kasey
“Let’s Do What Comes Natural”
Ali heads to the suite to pick up Kasey and tells him they’ll be headed on a helicopter ride around the city. For a fear of flying Ali sure is “planning” a lot of plane rides. She tells us, “We’re gonna do things most people wish they had a chance to do.” I’m pretty sure helicopter tours are readily available to tourists willing to pay, Al.

During the helicopter ride Kasey went on about how his view of Ali and the city were equally as beautiful. The watching party kept asking Kasey to cough or something to clear his throat. He did not, but instead told us a story about how Ali was a caterpillar while she dated Jake and all these other guys but now that she was with him she was turning into a butterfly. Then the watching party started made gagging sounds and collective eye rolls.

Kasey reminds us he’s there to guard and protect Ali’s heart and he’s hoping that she is the one who will guard and protect his heart as well. Amy P. at the watch party notes that Kasey must have really enjoyed the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

After the helicopter ride they had a picnic in a field. This is where it happened -- 13 minutes into this show and it was hands down the most awkward, hilarious, shocking, and unbelievable moment I’ve seen in the entire series. Here’s the play by play:

Kasey starts acapella singing a song he made up to a tune he made up with absolutely no melody. Lyrics are: “When I was flying in the helicopter over this amazing city, I looked to my left and never saw something so pretty.”

Pause for reaction from Ali…Ali’s reaction: nervous, uncomfortable laughter.

Clue Kasey should have picked up: stop singing! Action he chose instead: continued singing with, “At the end of tonight I'm not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I'll see and find a rose.”

End of song, pause for final reaction from Ali…Ali’s reaction: confused look and silent questioning as to when Joe and Rose or City and Pretty could be used as rhyming words. Kasey’s perceived thoughts based on Ali’s reaction: “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

Oh you have no idea Kasey…although while it was intense, I think painful is a better adjective. Side memo to Kasey: Please consider guarding and protecting the viewers’ eyes and ears next time before choosing to compose and perform your own little ditty.

After the picnic and impromptu concert they head to the Natural Museum of History where Kasey’s “quirky” side continues to shine. He imitates a monkey, tries to scare Ali in the dark, and runs around the museum with her.

Kasey tells us that he’s decided Ali is his future wife. He knows she’s The One. The watching party decides Kasey is the male version of last season’s crazy Michelle.

Over dinner in the museum Ali asks Kasey how this relationship is different from his past relationships. He goes for the obvious answer and says, “One reason…because you’re Ali…you’re all I’ve ever wanted - I choose you…I hope someday you can choose me.”

Ali sees the red flag emerging and asks. “How do you know if someone’s for you?” Kasey’s answer OF COURSE is, “When they want to guard and protect my heart too.” Ali tells him she feels like he’s reading a story because his lines – I mean answers – are so perfect. To which he says, “It’s just my heart – jump in stay a while.” To which I have no words…

Kasey’s not done yet though – nope, he then takes her hands into his and starts singing another original ditty. “From the night that I first saw you, I was stepping through black glass, and I knew right then first moment that you and I would last. On the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now in New York City, and it’s just you and me. And tonight you got a rose, and I want to feel its thorns, and if you choose me Ali I’ll forever be yours.” At the end of his non-rhyming song with no melody he told her, “I don’t know – it just came to me, I guess that’s what you do to me – you inspire me.” I’m sure Ali was beyond flattered that she inspired…that.

The red flag is still waving in front of Ali and so she tells Kasey she’s not sure he’s really genuine – she thinks he may have borrowed some lyrics from Eminem and so she can’t give him the rose but the producers want him to stay so he’s staying.

Group Date
“Let’s Play”
Rrroberto, Jesse, Kirk, Craig, Frank, Ty, and Jonathan the Weatherman were the lucky 7 chosen for the “let’s play” group date. They head out to Times Square and watch a video on one of the large screens instructing them to find her in the concrete jungle. Oh fun – so this will be like a scavenger hunt type date! The guys turn around and see that the Lion King Theater is behind them and there’s Ali waving from the second floor window. So much for an entertaining scavenger hunt…

The guys run up the stairs to Ali – Weatherman gets there first and gives her a hug. She peels him off and tells the guys she’s not feeling great but is pushing through to go on this group date. Such a trooper. The guys learn they’ll have to perform a song and dance for the directors to decide who wins the actual date with Ali that evening.

The lucky 7 chosen ones emerge from backstage wearing spandex bike shorts and random different colored pastel v-necks. They begin learning the dance from the choreographer and the director’s comments were hysterical. They ranged from, “He’s got it…oh he lost it,” to “that one’s got a crazy leg thing going on.”

After the dancing each guy had to sing a solo of 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight'. It’s too bad we already have our theme song for the season because an Elton John number would have been a good candidate. During the solos we learn that Jesse can actually sing and Rrrroberto should be renamed Rico Suave because he’s always making the moves. During his solo Rrrroberto actually turned to Ali and sang directly to her instead of the piano man.

The director declares Rrroberto the winner based on his courage – the other guys start beat themselves up for not thinking singing to the woman they are all dating instead of the man at the piano.

Rrroberto and Ali start their training immediately while the other 6 guys get to watch in the audience. Kirk notes that Rrroberto gets to put his head in Ali’s cleavage while they perform some sort of Cirque de Soleil routine on stage and the Weatherman gets angry at himself for being such a “schmuck” and not thinking about singing to Ali.

Finally it’s performance time – Ali prepares in her dressing room with a gold star taped up with her name written in sharpie marker. (ABC really went all out on that prop.) Frank tells us the knife in his back is twisted when the guys are forced to watch Rrroberto and Ali’s performance from a TV in the lobby. Rrrroberto and Ali perform and I admit I think it’s pretty cool they got to actually be part of a Broadway show…I’m just glad I didn’t pay for that ticket.

The whole gang goes out for drinks after the show and by this time Ali has gone from feeling bad to officially being sick. She sounds awful but again is pushing through for this all important group date. And what’s the best thing to do when you feel sick? Go outside in the rain for a walk of course! Ali and Frank head outside with umbrellas that aren’t able to sustain the winds and rain. They laugh at their inside out umbrellas and Frank feels confident about their relationship again.

Once back inside Ali chooses to spend some time talking to Craig for some reason and the Weatherman stresses over whether or not to go interrupt their conversation in an attempt to get his own one-on-one time. After much debate he slowly moves closer to their conversation and then goes in for the kill, “Ummm…hey guys – hate to interrupt but ummm…can I talk to you for a sec Ali?”

Craig and Ali exchange looks and then Ali says, “Just a few more minutes – I’ll come find you.” And with that we know this is the Weatherman’s last night with us.

Kirk goes for the caregiver role and tells Ali he thinks she should go on upstairs and go to sleep…oh and he should go with her to tuck her in. She agrees this is a good idea and tells the guys she’s not handing out a rose tonight because she’s not thinking straight. Kirk walks Ali to her room then she asks him to sing her a lullaby and thankfully we didn’t have to witness that. Jonathan the weatherman is not sure what to think about the fact that they didn’t get any one-on-one time…I tell him it means gray skies friend.

Chris L
“Let’s Take a Bite Out of the Big Apple…or Chicken Noodle Soup”
Finally Chris L. gets a one-on-one date! He’s excited to hang out with her in the big apple as the date card clue read and it also happens to be his birthday. It’s nice that his girlfriend took a time out from the other 10 men she’s dating to spend his big day with him. As the date draws near there’s a knock on the door with an updated date card informing him that Ali is not feeling any better today. (maybe something to do with walking in the rain?) So the date is being moved to her suite. Ever the optimist, Chris L. is still excited that they will get to spend the day together…even if she is coughing up mucus.

He shows up at her place bearing gifts – she loves the thoughtfulness of flowers and chicken noodle soup. Point for Chris L.! They talk on the couch about family and he shares more about how he moved back home to be with his mom when she got sick and how close he is with his family. Chris L. is quickly becoming my decisive favorite.

Back at the hotel the guys have discovered that Kasey is missing. They’re worried because Kasey was a little down after not receiving a rose on his one-on-one date. Meanwhile we see Kasey walking down the street talking yet again about how he wants to guard and protect Ali’s heart. He wants to show her he’s serious about this commitment and so he enters….a tattoo parlor! The watching party gasps in horror! Surely Chris Harrison will step in and give him a talking to, right!? Wrong!! Kasey decides to tattoo a shield protecting a heart with a rose peeking out from the top on his wrist…FOREVER.

Ali is feeling better thanks to the magical chicken noodle soup so Chris L. and her go to an exclusive NYC Club that they have all to themselves to enjoy with a platter of seafood. Unfortunately she didn’t have time to do her hair. Ali pulls out a cell phone and tells Chris L. that since it’s his birthday she arranged for him to be able to call his dad on speaker phone. Special.

Ali extends the rose to Chris L. who happily accepts and then they head out to the roof of the exclusive NYC club to find Joshua Radin with a gospel choir. I’m very jealous they got a private Joshua Radin concert; however throwing in the gospel choir was a little random.

Kasey walks back to the hotel with his fresh tattoo that he will have FOREVER. He doesn’t want to show the guys his sweet tat yet so he’s covered it up with a bandage which of course won’t be questionable at all…

The guys ask Kasey where he was and why his wrist is bandaged and he says he had to go to the hospital because he burned his wrist on the oven. Really Kasey, that’s the best excuse you could come up with?! Justin the entertainment wrestler doesn’t buy it and goes on record that he believes Kasey is a “fibber”. I’m going on record that I’ve never heard the word ‘fibber’ used by anyone older than the age of 7.

Dramatic Cocktail Party Time
Craig cracks a joke to open the cocktail party telling the guys, “You know we have a lot of good guys here – with the exception of Justin.” Justin makes a mental note that Craig is a fibber too. Ali emerges wearing a plunging v-neck black jumpsuit that at first glace looks like it could have been velour. Upon further studying I don’t think it was velour but anytime you could be mistaken for wearing velour (and you are not J.Lo) it’s not a good thing.

The Weatherman has decided that he needs to sing to show her his love because that’s what everyone else is doing. So he pulls out a guitar during their one-on-one time and….his voice is less than great. I don’t remember the lyrics because by that point in the show my ears were bleeding. Kirk summed it up best by saying, “You know what we need, we need one more guy to play guitar in this house.” The Weatherman’s voice sounds better to him in his head so he tells us, “Now that I sang, I’d be more surprised if I didn’t get a date.”

Justin the entertainment wrestler has decided it’s time to call out Kasey’s fibbing. He tells Kasey he wants to see his burn mark and Kasey’s well-thought out response is, “Umm…what does that have to do with anything – are you questioning my integrity?” Justin the entertainment wrestler badgers him until he finally unbuttons his sleeve and reveals the tattoo. The guys facial expressions say it all…shock, horror, unbelief, confusion.

Kasey tells the guys he got the tattoo to prove his commitment to Ali- he explains he wants to (all together now) “guard and protect her heart” so that’s why he’s chosen a nifty shield protecting a heart design. And to recognize the rest of the guys he also got 11 stones in the design of the shield because they are the top 11 guys. Frank comments, “Getting a tattoo doesn’t prove anything except you’re nuts.” Chris L. very accurately stated, “He’s going to be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of his life. That's going to be his nickname.''

The guys tell Kasey to his face that they think it’s great because of course Ali is going to think it’s crazy once she sees it. Kasey takes her aside for the big reveal but first explains that he was confused by her comment that he was not genuine because he’s nothing if not crazy – I mean genuine. He gave her some candy (sour patch kids, fabulous choice) to make her feel better and then just as he went to roll back his sleeve to show her what else he got in her honor…. Frank came in and stole Ali away!

Poor Ali goes in to the rose ceremony without knowing that Kasey has tattooed an 11-stone shield protecting a heart with a rose emerging from the top in her honor on his wrist – a decision that will be with him FOREVER.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali tells the guys this was the most real week because even though they traveled to New York and were part of a Broadway show and had a museum and exclusive night club to themselves she was also sick so that’s real life. Totally.

Roses went to:

Kirk – The one she likes to kiss
Frank – The one who is the reason she knows nothing about Kasey’s scarring
Craig – The one who is not my favorite
Chris N. – The one who is the potential mole since we never see him
Rrroberto – The one who put his head in her cleavage
Justin – The entertainment wrestler who calls people fibbers
Ty – The country singer you forgot about
Kasey – The tattooed Bachelorette guy

The Weatherman and Jesse say their goodbyes – Jesse didn’t seem too shocked as he had figured out she was a city girl and he wants acreage with cows. The Weatherman feels like Ali didn’t get a chance to know him…odd because I feel like I know him too well.

Scenes for next week show that we’ll be off to Iceland on this journey of real life love. The idea of a drinking game based on the number of times the phrase “guard and protect (my/your/her) heart” is said was thrown out at the watching party. But I’m a little worried we wouldn’t make it through the second hour of the show. Ali’s voiceover saying, “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal” was priceless…here’s hoping for a shocking tattoo reveal next week! Can. Not. Wait.

Run Away

We’re three episodes in and finally got our theme song for this season of The Bachelorette. Last season we were treated to Jeffrey Osborne’s classic and this season the Barenaked Ladies get the honor with their song titled You Run Away. It’s fitting because Ali is running away from her job and into multiple unstable relationships and you, the viewer, are running away from your TV due to the multiple awkward situations on display. Win-Win!

To start the show Chris Harrison enters the living room of the bachelor pad to give his weekly pep talk to the boys. He tells them he hopes that one of them will be her fiancé at the end of this and I have to wonder if he’s really pulling for one of these guys or if he's paid extra to say that. He leaves the date card which we learn is for Rrrroberto! (I like rolling the R on his name and thus will type it how it sounds in my head)

Rrrroberto – “Love is a Balancing Act”
Ali pulls up to the house in a sports car and her best 80s casual outfit – off the shoulder shirt, check! Tight rolled denim capris, check! She tells Rrroberto, “We’re not going by land, we’re going by air!” Cue the first of many helicopter rides to come this season.

Unfortunately Ali still hasn’t kicked that nasty fear of flying habit so she freaks out the whole ride and Rrrroberto takes the opportunity to calm her fears through holding her hand and putting his arm around her. And she LOVES it. Ali tells the camera that Rrrroberto could be the guy for her. Julie at the watching party tries to be the voice of reason that Ali obviously can’t hear and says, “A little premature Al…”

The helicopter lands on the top of a building and Ali tells Rrrroberto they’ll be walking across wires to another building where conveniently a dinner table is set up. They get all harnessed in and Ali explains to us that, “Going through something stressful together shows you who the person is.” Ali must have had an Oprah Aha moment when she watched Jake & Vienna’s bungee jumping date from last season and now believes that facing scary challenges involving heights is the way to get someone to fall for you.

Once halfway through the walk of fear on wires Rrroberto turns to Ali and says, “I want to give you something here.” He turns toward her and then leans in for their first kiss. And she LOVES it.

Safely on the other side and miraculously changed into nice clothes Rrroberto and Ali sit down for dinner. We learn that Rrroberto speaks many languages including the most important one of all, Ali’s love language – hotness. She tells us that she’s not used to feeling insecure about her looks with a guy because she’s usually the good looking one in a relationship. I have flashbacks of Zoolander while Jaws drop at the watching party and Julie again tries reasoning with her, telling the TV, “Even if you think that don’t admit it out loud.”

Ali and Rrroberto snuggle after dinner because a good snuggler is on her 5-point criteria for how to find a suitable suitor. Ali then steals a Spanish line from 2pac and tells Rrroberto to “dame un beso” which means “give me a kiss”. Rrroberto happily obliges and with that Ali gives him a rose and tells him she’s hopeful for their journey. Rrroberto asks that she not forget about him while dating 13 other guys.

Group Date – “Rock My World”
Kirk, John C., Chris N., Frank, Weatherman, Craig, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. are the lucky winners of this week’s group date. The Expedition Limo (because that’s necessary) drives them to a deserted part of LA where Ali is standing in the middle of the street waiting for them. They exit the limo confused because this seems like a shady part of LA where “gangs and stuff” hang out. Then they hear music in the background and start to worry there’s going to be some sort of dance-off like in that Step Up 2 movie. Just before the Weatherman starts crying, Ali leads them under a bridge and around the corner to reveal…the Barenaked Ladies!

The guys are relieved and ecstatic that they get to meet such a cool band! Craig R. is especially excited to make his friends jealous. Ali explains that they will all get to play parts in the video that the band is making for their new song which is actually based on her life. The guys all read their parts – some get kisses, some get slaps, and some get no physical contact at all.

Frank is the lucky recipient of the “slap” scene. At first he’s excited to go first and thinks it’s a good thing Ali feels comfortable slapping him. Nine takes later, he’s not so sure it’s a good part anymore. John C. (henceforth to be known as Buster Bluth because that’s a better star spot than Bert) gets a scene that involves him getting into a bathtub while Ali simultaneously gets out of the bathtub. He’s not sure what that means.

Then it was time for the Weatherman’s scene which required him to kiss Ali. This was a problem because 1) This would be their first kiss, and 2) All the other guys would be watching. The Weatherman was beyond nervous for this kiss and it showed big time. It’s hard for me to even really describe what happened. First he told her she didn’t have to kiss him. Then when it was time to kiss he gave her a kiss on the neck. Then some sort of halfway kiss that Ali had to initiate occurred and it was just painful. So painfully awkward in fact, that the Weatherman actually started crying over his fear. Which then led to more awkwardness – it was a vicious awkward cycle.

After that we went to Kirk’s scene which involved them kissing and rolling around in a bed. I was thankful this scene was not handed to the Weatherman because who knows what kind of emotional breakdown would have occurred there. However, a different kind of awkwardness occurred when the director yelled “cut” and Kirk and Ali kept going at it. Awkward again…The other guys left the room because they didn’t want to watch that and I can’t say I blame them - I was very tempted to leave the room of the watching party.

At the wrap party Chris L. secures some alone time with Ali first and explains that the signature tattoo he has is actually his mom’s signature and he got it after she passed away. Ali was supportive in her response and Chris L. told her he’d talk more about it when there was more time. Have I mentioned Chris L. is my favorite?

The Weatherman interrupts and steals Ali away. Again the Weatherman has made a poor fashion choice for this group date. Instead of his white MJ jacket from last week this week he’s gone with a combination of a green army and bomber jacket. He whispers to ask Ali if she wants to go somewhere and hide so they can have a real first kiss but before she can answer Craig R. comes in to steal her away. The Weatherman tells us that he feels their connection grows each time they are together. Julie (aka Voice of Reason) tells him, ‘You’re calling the weather wrong, son.” And with everything that’s taken place for the weatherman this season I feel it’s only appropriate that I address the situation with him personally so….

An Open Letter to Jonathan the Weatherman:
Dear Jon,
I just realized it’s appropriate that your real name is Jon because a 'Dear Jon' letter is what I fear you’ll eventually receive from Ali in this journey. Sorry if that’s harsh but know this letter comes from a place of respect – I’m for you Jon, not against you. I don’t want to watch these awkward situations any more than you want to live them.

First of all Jon, you’ve got to stop wearing these Mod jackets. You just can’t pull it off. But don’t be too hard on yourself because there’s really only one person who could. Secondly, were you aware that kissing multiple times on camera was a requirement for this show? I don’t know how you could have not known that but since it’s too late to go back now let me warn you of a few things. Should Ali keep you around Jon you’ll be expected to kiss her in front of camera crews and possibly the other guys numerous more times. There will also likely be hot tubs involved at some point. And should you somehow make it to the final 3 Jon, there are these things called ‘overnight fantasy dates’ where Chris Harrison will ask you to forego your individual room. I hope I don’t have to spell out what that means for you…

If you decide to stay I really hope you’ll heed all my advice…but most importantly the part about the jackets. It’s sunny in LA – you should know that, just put the jackets away.

Your friend,
Rebecca

Okay back to the group date – Kirk and Ali continue the hormone charge and decide to change into swimsuits for their one-on-one time and take it to the pool. They talk and make out but mostly make out. Ali tells us of Kirk, “I know he’s here to be with me…” Carrie ends the sentence for her with the word “Physically.”

Frank has been increasingly jealous on this date as he’s watched her kiss almost all the other guys so he decides to jump in the pool to break up the make out session and is promptly followed by the other guys. Ali gathers them around and awards the rose to Kirk…shocker. Then she surprises them with the debut of their music video which I hope for the Barenaked Ladies sake is not the actual video for this song.

Rated-R for Red Flags
The next day at the house Hunter is prepping for his one-on-one date while Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER ponders Chris Harrison’s pep talk from earlier in the week. He decides by Chris saying, “take advantage of every opportunity you have with Ali” he really meant, “walk up to her house to see her unannounced”. So he sneaks out of the house and hobbles along the shoulder of a highway for what is edited to look like miles but in reality is actually 1 mile.

He limps up to the house as Ali is talking about why she picked Hunter for a one-on-one date. She is shocked to see him and LOVES that he walked all that way on crutches just to see her. She tells us, “No one has ever done that for me.” Justin brought photos of his family so she could get to know the other women in his life. He talks about how he loves his mom and grandma and how he can’t wait to be a dad and you can almost hear Ali getting wrapped around his pinky.

She gives him a ride back to the house and then comes in to pick up Hunter for their date who notes it’s starting later than the previous one-on-one dates. Poor Hunter…

Hunter – “Home is Where the Heart is”
Ali and Hunter go back to her house for what is the most boring date I’ve ever seen on this show. Because of this the recap will be very short; here’s basically how the date went: Ali and Hunter cook 20 hamburgers and hot dogs, Hunter interrupts Ali as she talks about why career is important to her and Ali mentally notes that she is done with Hunter, Hunter calls her ‘Baby’ and ‘Darin’’ approximately 17 times, they swim in a pool and awkwardly look out of the infinity edge in silence, he kisses her shoulder in silence, they decide to make s’mores in silence and then Hunter points out there’s a rose sitting next to them which Ali then says she can’t give to him. Hunter leaves in a taxi and reminds us he usually doesn’t move that fast with darlin’s.

Meanwhile back at the house Justin is underhandedly talking to the other guys about how he would walk for hours just to see Ali and how cool it must be for Hunter to get to see her house since ‘none of them have seen it before’. Because of this and also because he appears to be wearing his black t-shirt inside out it’s here’s where most of the red flags were handed out to Rated-R for me. I have a very suspicious feeling about him…he sort of reminds me of this guy:

Just as Justin is going into a spiel about how he would give up his lucrative career in Entertainment Wrestling for Ali the bodyguards come in and dramatically take Hunters bags away. The guys are stunned and Justin is a little too excited to see him go – again red flag thinking he had something to do with Hunter’s exit by bumping the date back a few hours.

The Most Dramatic Cocktail Party Ever
Ali enters the cocktail party wearing what I have to assume is an old bridesmaid’s dress that she’s trying to get a second use out of. She adjusts her rhinestone belt and then gives a toast in Hunter’s honor. Chris L. gets alone time in which they discover more common interests – they both love flip cup. Justin gets some alone time again and Julie (voice of reason) tells us she can tell, “He’s definitely a clubber – he goes clubbing a lot.”

Steve tries to heed Chris Harrison’s advice about taking advantage as well and sets up a blanket and candles at the front of the house to create some ambiance while they talk. Unfortunately he has some trouble opening the champagne because he has sensitive hands and Ali needs a man who can open her liquor so she mentally notes Steve is out.

Rrroberto and Ali get some alone time in the room with the wall of a thousand candles. He unfortunately takes the opportunity to chime in with the rest of the guys and tell Ali Justin isn’t here for the right reasons. She inadvertently spills the beans about him walking up to her house and tells Rrroberto she knows he’s here for her because why else would he do that?

Rrroberto goes into the living room to tell the other guys his juicy information. Before he does though, I’m distracted by Jesse’s choice of a ‘denim on denim’ outfit. Yes, he’s chosen to wear a blue denim button down shirt with blue denim jeans. I really wanted them to pan down to his shoes because if he was wearing blue denim Keds then he would have had on the exact same outfit I wore for my 6th grade class picture. Sad but true…

So Rrrroberto tells the guys about Justin’s walk and they are livid. They confront Justin who admits he did go see her because Chris Harrison told him to take advantage of the time. They put the pieces together that Justin is to blame for cutting into Hunter’s date time and decide to eternally shun him. Justin is only used to playing the villain as his alter ego Rated-R in the ring and therefore doesn’t know how to handle conflict as himself. He walks out to the pool and cries in the shadows. Craig R. predicts that “Rated-R will stand for retired tonight – he’s not getting a rose.” I tell Craig R. it really stands for Rated Red Flag and he agrees that’s more appropriate.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali re-ties the bow on the back of her bridesmaid’s dress and then hands out roses to:

Chris L. – The one who’s my current favorite
Chris N. – Seriously who is this?
Craig R. – The one who likes to guess what Rated-R stands for
Jesse – The one wearing the outfit I wore in 1992
Kasey – The one who goes crazy according to previews
Frank – The one who is becoming more jealous
Ty – The one with the southern accent
Jonathan – The one who hopefully read my letter
And…Justin/Rated-R – The controversial “'right reasons" one

Unfortunately that means Steve and John C. (aka Buster Bluth) were sent home. Steve is shocked and Buster just wanted some juice.

Scenes for next week look like this week’s “awkward” theme will be replaced with a “crazy” theme as Kasey tries singing and inflicts some sort of personal injury. Don’t worry though – I fully expect Chris Harrison to step in and save the day. See you at the next most dramatic rose ceremony ever!

Stranger Danger

Last night in a strange twist ABC decided to pull in “Lost” fans by giving us a flash-sideways episode. In the flash-sideways world Angry Dave from last season’s bachelorette is actually Craig M. and Man-Code-Breaker Juan is actually Weatherman Jonathan. See the similarities?:

As a Lost fan I am embracing the flash-sideways and running with the similarities; which means that (Spoiler Alert!) Matthew Fox, a.k.a. Jack Shephard, will actually be the chosen one in the end.


We open the show with the Jacob of The Bachelorette, our host Chris Harrison. He tells the guys (who are drinking morning mimosas apparently) that not everyone will get a date this week and then delivers the card for the first one on one date which goes to….Big Personality Frank!

All Signs Point to Love...or Hollywood
Ali gets ready for her date wearing a tank top in her signature yellow color and tells us she’s ready for her second chance at love. She walks into the bachelor pad to pick up Frank and finds that all the other guys are out by the pool. The Lost tie-ins continued because upon seeing weatherman Jon’s gray swim trunks pulled clear up to his belly button I had a flashback of Ed’s terrible shorty green shorts.

Ali tells Frank she has a surprise for him and then escorts him out front to the driveway where a cool old car is waiting. She then tells him she’s driving – fun surprise! Our happy couple is driving along the congested highways of LA when Frank perfectly foreshadows trouble ahead by saying, “I’m in a beautiful car with a beautiful girl – what could go wrong?” I’ll tell you what could go wrong Frank; the ABC masterminds need as many dramatic twists as possible so they’ve rigged the car to ‘suddenly’ break down. Twist! Ali and Frank sit in the car for a while talking about how strange it is that it broke down and how they don’t know how to fix it from inside the car. Then they decide to ditch the cool old car and walk along the congested highway to find other transportation.

They take a cab to Hollywood and then are stalked by paparazzi. In another twist they decide to join in with the paparazzi and take pictures of each other making silly faces. Crazy kids.

Back at the bachelor pad drama continues as Craig R. takes issue with Rated-R Justin again because he thinks he’s (all together now) not here for the right reasons. Craig R. tells us he’s going to call him Rated-‘I don’t believe what you say’. Catchy.

Ali and Frank hop out of a cab near a trail and Ali explains to him in a low voice for some reason that, “no one gets to do this!” They then hike down to the Hollywood sign which I did think was actually pretty cool. Frank wins the first kiss of the season as they sit near the bottom of the sign. I’m thinking Frank is staying around a while…which is not good news for Emily at the watching party seeing as his explosive energy makes him her nemesis.

As evening approaches they share some cupcakes on the hood of the old car that has magically been fixed and transported to them. Ali presents Frank with the rose which smells dramatically as she tells us in a voice over that no matter what happens this season she’s already met a guy who made her believe that everything she’s looking for is possible. Anyone else think Ali’s moving a tad fast here?

Calendar Boys
Again back at the bachelor pad we learn it’s time for the group date announcement. We also learn as Aimee at the watching party noted that there are lots of necklaces with this season’s crop of bachelors. Winners of a group date are: Craig M., Jonathan, Ty, Tyler V., Hunter, Craig R., Steve, Kirk, Rated-R Justin, John C., Chris N., and another guy I can’t remember. Craig M. then makes fun of Jesse’s tattoos and a near fight has to be broken up by the other guys. It’s here I started having the flash sideways to Angry Dave from last season…

Ali is waiting for the guys in Malibu while wearing a bikini top and pants…because that’s a completely normal outfit. The guys jump out of the van and Ali takes them down the beach for details on their date. Unfortunately Rated-R Justin has to hop all the way down on one foot since his other foot is in a cast. Once down at the beach Ali tells the guys they’ll be posing for a photographer to have their picture included in a calendar with proceeds going to charity. After the 5 minute announcement they head back up the beach and we see poor Rated-R Justin hopping back up the beach.

The guys learn they’ll be wearing swimsuits that are worse than green shorty-shorts. I know - I didn’t think it was possible either but I guess that’s what I get for complaining. Most are in speedos or some form of swimwear with way too little fabric. Weatherman Jonathan rightfully has major anxiety over wearing, as he put it, “the bottoms to Ali’s bikini top.” To deal with his nerves though he keeps the weather puns coming by saying, “The forecast for today -- a 100% chance my crotch will show.”

And speaking of the weatherman does anyone else think he looks like Tom Cruise from the A Few Good Men years? And maybe sort of acts like him in that “appears normal but really not all the lights are on upstairs” kind of way? Judge for yourself…

Craig M. continues his quest for the title of “most self-absorbed bachelorette contestant ever” as he models during his photo shoot with a sweater over his shoulders and drink in hand. During his shoot with Ali, Ty pulls out his guitar and serenades her on the beach. The other guys have flashbacks of Wes and call him cliché among other things…but we all know they’re secretly jealous.

After a fun day of taking pictures at the beach it was time to get dressed up for cocktail hour. The guys walk in to the bar and…wait…rewind the DVR, who is wearing a cinched waist white members only jacket? Weatherman!? After further studying the jacket it’s decided that a more accurate description would be a blend of: a members only jacket, a bomber jacket, the white Gap denim jacket I owned in 1992, and one of Michael Jackson’s jackets. Not a good combination, see samples below:
Ty got the first one-on-one time and used it to tell her about his previous marriage that ended months ago. She knows a few months are all you need to get over a divorce because look how well that turned out for 10ley.

Weatherman Jon in the horrifying white jacket with the collar popped explains again why he does not care for Craig M….using weather lingo of course. “Craig M. is a category six a$@#*&%,” he tells us. Then he tells us that while he is a martial arts master, he doesn’t want to get in a fight because, “This is my money maker y’all!”, while pointing to his face. It’s here I decided that both the Angry Dave and Juan reincarnates need to go.

Weatherman gets some one-on-one time with Ali where he tells her that Craig M. is dangerous and wants to be in a fight. There are a lot of words I would use to describe Craig M. but I can’t say that dangerous is on the list. I'm thinking he used 'dangerous' because this MJ song was likely on his mind while wearing his Thriller jacket. However it doesn’t really matter as Ali is not focusing on what Jon says anyway because she can’t stop staring at the atrocious white jacket.

Meanwhile back at the bachelor pad another date card comes with a gift and we learn through reading the initials engraved on the cufflinks gift that Jesse is the winner of the final one on one date. That means Chris L., Roberto, and Kasey are dateless this week.

The one-on-ones at the group date continue with Rated-R Justin hobbling down stairs to find Ali. Similar to how I can’t focus on anything Weatherman says while he’s sporting the '92 Gap jacket, I can’t focus on anything Rated-R says while he insists on keeping the soul patch below his lip.

Ali and Justin come upstairs and she decides it’s time to hand out the rose. Ty the guitar guy cliché is the winner and Rated-R Justin tells us, “Ali’s a sharp cookie – she’ll see through the guitar guy.” To which I would like to respond, really Justin!? She’s gonna see through the ‘guitar guy’ but doesn’t have anything to see past with you the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER with the ring name “Rated-R”?

Vegas Baby! (or in this case, Vegas with a 24 year-old Baby!)
Jesse applies gobs of hair gel in preparation for his date while reminding us he owns just the one suit he bought days before coming to The Bachelorette. He meets Ali at an airport where she tells him they’re getting on a private jet to fly to Vegas. She reminds us that she still has the fear of flying that she had months ago with Jake but thinks Jesse will save her should the plane go down.

They arrive safely in Vegas and Ali says she’s “pulling out all the stops for this date” as they climb into a Ferrari waiting for them at the end of a red carpet. People pretending they organize these dates when everyone knows ABC is the one pulling out all the stops is climbing higher on my list of pet peeves.

Ali and Jesse get to swim by themselves at an exclusive pool yet to be opened in Vegas…of course. She tells us, “If I like Jesse then he comes back to LA with me, if not I guess he has to stay in Vegas.” Harsh! After swimming Jesse gets dressed up in his second suit to ever own complete with charming skinny tie and cufflinks (again note thanks to ABC, not Ali). He goes to Ali’s suite where she comes down sporting a dress she surely bought at Caesars Palace…as Aimee at the watching party said, “Oh holy Greco…”

Back at the bachelor pad Craig M. is stirring up drama yet again. He comes downstairs where the guys are and presents a “weatherman fashion show” by wearing Weatherman Jon’s gray swim trunks hiked up to his belly button, his purple button down shirt, and the infamous white jacket. He then strips off the jacket to reveal large sweat stains under his armpits. The guys think it’s hilarious, Weatherman Jon is fearful that he can’t wear those spiffy clothes again because, “who knows what diseases Craig has?”

Speaking of sweating, the one-on-one date continues as Jesse sweats profusely through dinner. There was some talking, I think, but Lauren at the watching party summed up the date perfectly by commenting, “They have to be bored because they’re boring me.” Ali gives him the rose and then they head to a private club where Jamie Cullum is performing a concert exclusively for them. I do commend ABC (not Ali) for the singer selection this year.

The Most Dangerous Cocktail Party Ever
Time for the cocktail party and Ali has chosen a cute white mini dress for her second one of the season which is substantially better than her first cocktail party dress selection. She was also smart in choosing accessories by selecting the largest ring ever in case she had to throw a few punches in breaking up a Craig M. and Weatherman fight.

She spends time with the dateless guys for the week – Chris L., who again talks about how close he is with his family, Roberto, who renders Ali incapable of forming a complete sentence and also played catch with her, and Kasey who…was interrupted by Frank before he completed a sentence.

Craig M. is hassling the Weatherman again when Ali walks in and asks to see Weatherman Jon outside. Weatherman tells us he was, “like woohoo!!!” when Ali asked for alone time. Then he says, “I’m just keeping my eye on the prize… and Ali is the prize… and the rose is the prize.” Apparently there are a lot of prizes in this Bachelorette game.

Craig M. tells some of the other guys something about calling in sick again for work. His whole storyline is confusing to me and frankly so over the top I found myself on more than one occasion thinking he was a hired actor by ABC to stir up the drama. I know there are some genuinely crazy people out there but there’s something just sort of not believable about Craig M. When he does get alone time with Ali she confronts him about whether or not he is here for her because the other guys stare at her and he doesn’t. Plus someone told her that he was dangerous. Craig M. is livid that someone thinks he is dangerous and once free from talking to Ali he calls all the guys in the room to figure out who the fearful tattletale was.

“Somebody called me dangerous,” he says, “and it made me feel pretty down.” Really!? It made you feel pretty down? See what I mean – who says that? Is this real? We’re in a flash sideways, aren’t we?! He accuses the Weatherman and then the dramatic music is cued as Weatherman stands in the shadows while Craig M. walks by. Weatherman tells us, “If Craig M. gets a rose tonight then I know for sure there is no God.” With that sentence I forgave ABC for hiring Craig M. because it was totally worth it.

When I was able to stop laughing from Weatherman Jon’s qualification statement for God it was time for yet another rose ceremony. Ali gives the usual speech that she likes them all and if someone doesn’t get a rose it’s not personal even though in reality it’s nothing but personal. She gives roses to:
Kasey – Dateless this week and also…frog in throat
Hunter - Don’t remember him
Roberto – The one that makes her blush
Chris L. – The one that’s close to family and says Wicked
Justin – Rated-Soul Patch
Steve – The one that looked the best in the speedo
Kiik – Don’t remember him
John C. - Bert
Craig R. – The one that doesn’t like Rated-R
Chris N. – Don’t remember him
Jonathan – Things were finally looking rosy for the Weatherman

So with that the Craig M. – our Angry Dave wannabe is gone. But not before telling the cameras that Ali “missed a huge opportunity giving this up” while pointing to his poofy hair. Maybe he is dangerous – doesn’t everyone feel so much safer with him gone?

During the credits we got to see someone (I can’t remember who but I want to say Weatherman Jon because I’ve been conditioned to think that he says all cheesy things) make fun of Rated-R Justin’s ring name by calling him Rated-Aaarrgh…you know, like a pirate sound. Then whoever he was (likely Weatherman Jon) shared the obvious, “It’s more like Rated-PG” joke. No way Weatherman makes it past next week…

Scenes for next week show more drama and more private concerts…of course. I recommend reading Chris Harrison’s blog and of course Lincee's recap at www.ihategreenbeans.com. See you at the next Most Dramatic (but safer) Rose Ceremony!

What Are the Right Reasons? Am I Here for Them?

Today is a "required fun day" at our office so I'll be away from my computer most of the day having fun in a company meeting and then watching a minor league baseball game. Please don't be jealous of my fun. Therefore even though last night was the premiere this post will be shorter than usual. Other recaps that I highly recommend can be found here and here. And of course you can read Chris Harrison's blog here.

So since time is short let's get to it...

Our dear bachelorette appears wearing a sweater she borrowed from Jane Fonda (according to Amy P at the watching party). We are treated to a mini-recap of last season where we again see Ali ugly-crying as she tells Jake she loves him but she has to go to work. Then we see her change her mind in the limo followed by Jake telling her she's too late. Ali tells us, "I chose a desk, computer, and keyboard over love." I wanted to tell her that most jobs also come with a paycheck and benefits but I guess at facebook they just pay in office supplies? Our heroine assures us this time she's choosing love over technology and even gave up her job and apartment to prove it.

The Eligible Bachelors
Introduction time for the Bachelors! We get to see some of the guys in their hometowns and during their auditions - for time's sake I'll go with a list format of what stood out:

Frank: Anyone else wonder if those were transition lenses? Big personality...I mean BIG. A tad overwhelming yet endearing at the same time. He lives with his parents which could be an issue since Ali now has no money either since she gave up her keyboard for love.

Jay: Lawyer, boring...actually said, "A family that sues together stays together." That's funny because I always say, "A guy that stays with a slicked back feathered hair style stays... single."

Craig M.: Super cocky, poofy hair.

Kyle: Oh Kyle the mountain man. He's lonely ice fishing and thinks Ali is the perfect person to join him alone on the ice...you know because she's been living in California. We're also treated to a view of the many carcasses he has killed. Neat-o!

Justin: ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER...that's a reflex when I see his name. While in the ring his message to the other men is to "Be Scared!" While out of the ring his message to the world is he's just a nice guy with an unfortunate soul patch who loves his Grandma.

Phil: Better personality than I originally thought, younger brother passed away and he now runs triathlons. (sorry that's really all I wrote down about him...)

Jonathan: The weatherman who is going to use his humor to win Ali over. That is unless she doesn't like his humor...then he will not be humorous.

Ty: Southern accent, singer, divorced a few months ago. Because as we saw last season with 10ley - what better way to move on from a divorce than to go on a reality TV dating competition show!?

Chris L.: I have to say he made the best first impression on me - seemed genuine, moved back home to be with family when his mom was sick, from the Northeast where Ali is from...I have a feeling about this.

Roberto, Tyler, Derrick, and Steve were then all given approximately 2.3 seconds of TV time each so I don't think they said complete sentences.

First Impressions
Can I just say that first impressions are very nerve-wracking? Not that I have any personal experience with an embarrassing first impression or anything - but at least when these guys got out of the limo they didn't have to worry about remembering to turn their car off. Because sometimes that's easy to forget...

Anyway, Chris Harrison welcomes Ali back and she pulls up in a limo (thankfully they didn't go the motorcycle route again). She steps out of the limo and the thought 'lower lip collagen' immediately goes through my mind. Chris and her discussed something but all I could focus on was her large lower lip. I don't remember her lip being unproportionally large last season...just sayin'.

The first limo arrives and Chris H. (not to be confused with our host Chris Harrison) pops out and tells her he's nervous. She's nervous too so they already have a lot in common. Jesse is next and goes for the old hometown pun when he asks, "How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?" Ali is rightfully confused until he delivers the punchline of, "I'm from Peculiar, MO." Ali gives a pity laugh and I start to get nervous about this year's crop of men...

Chris L. is next - they discuss how they are Red Sox fans and my initial good feelings about him are intensified. Frank's head then appears out of the sunroof of the limo. Ali starts laughing nervously and then he heaves himself out of the limo and on to the roof of the car and start shouting something that sounded like Richard Gere in the end of Pretty Woman.

Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER is next and he explains that he's broken his ankle while ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLING. Then he hops up the stairs into the house while grunting a 'hump' with each jump. Attractive.

Several more guys came through at this point - Jay, Chris N. and Kasey but none of them really made an impression. Then it was Outdoorsman Kyle's turn. He gave Ali the ole' imaginary hook and reel move and for some reason she loved it. Roberto was next and as he started speaking in Spanish I had flashbacks of inappropriate Channy but thankfully he kept it clean. Craig was next and actually delivered the clever, "I'm so happy you're not Vienna" line which you know Ali had to love.

John N. was next...eyebrows. Then John C. exited the limo and proposed to Ali with a cubic zirconium ring in a proposal for one-on-one time. Really? Someone at the watching party shouted, "Bert from Bert and Ernie!" Judge for yourself on the star spot...
Again there was a group of not super memorable guys - Jonathan the weatherguy gave her a sunshine pin, Kirk made her a rose out of a napkin which thanks to my crafty dad I can actually do as well. Then came one of my favorite moments of the night - Tyler M. exited the limo wearing cowboy boots and said he did so because he noticed that she wore cowboy boots when she first met Jake. Clever...except that she DIDN'T! Ali corrects him and then you just feel sorry for the guy because aren't bad first impressions the worst?! Not that I would know.

Derek throws some leaves on her- you know because she thinks you wish on leaves instead of stars. I'm not supportive of encouraging false beliefs, although it was funny to see the huge leave stuck in her hair. Derrick introduces himself as Shooter and tells her he'll give her the details on his nickname once inside. I wish she has said "No, thank you." Jason was the last out of the limo and ended in rare form as he did a backflip off the hood of the limo. Impressive.

Cocktail Party
Chris Harrison reenters and tells Ali it's time to go in and get to know her suitors. She turns around to head in and what the....that's when we see that she's taken a page from Peter Cottontail's wardrobe and the back of her dress has a large rhinestone-sequin-diamond poof on here rear end where a bunny tail might be. I think Ali is beautiful but the watching party was in unison that she didn't do herself any favors with that dress selection.

Upon entering the room she tells the guys, "Have my back because I'm gonna have your back." I wonder aloud that what means and Amy P. tell me that she meant to say 'ride by back because I'm gonna ride your back.'

During the cocktail party we learn that:
Kirk macramed a scrapbook about himself, Kasey really wants to guard and protect Ali's heart, Hunter can play the ukulele, Derek is impressed with Hunter's ukulele abilities, Jason looks exactly like Dale Earnhardt Jr., and unfortunately we also learn the reason for the nickname Shooter is because Derrick has done so prematurely before if you know what I mean. And that's all I will say about that...

Craig M. is secretly referred to as "Hair guy" and "The guy with the toupee" by the other guys and I'd say those are much more fitting nicknames seeing as his hair looks like a Dr. McDreamy hairstyle gone wrong. Roberto gets some alone time with Ali and makes good on his promise to teach her salsa dancing. Chris L. makes good on his northeastern stereotype and calls her "wicked awesome".

Outdoorsman Kyle tells the other guys, "If I can eat the first impression rose it can go in my soul forever and no one can have it." Step away from the mountain man Ali....

During his one on one time Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER tells Ali about his profession and his stage name of "Rated-R". Then he unbuttons his shirt to reveal a Rated-R Tshirt. Somehow Ali is not totally turned off by this but the other guys see a target. They decide that Justin is not here for the right reasons because clearly he just wants to promote his entertainment wrestling career. You know - because people who like entertainment wrestling also never miss an episode of The Bachelorette...definitely a good plan to build your fan base.

Craig R. tells Ali to "be careful" because some of these guys may have ulterior motives. Then he gives her a mini yellow converse high top on a key chain and she LOVES it.

The Right Reasons Drinking Game
Chris Harrison enters the room to dramatic music and explains that the guys will now have a chance to anonymously tell Ali who they think isn't here for the right reasons. The bouncer who had to escort Roz out last season then enters carrying the dreaded “write down the name of the person you don’t like” black box. For the rest of the show the phrase “right reasons” is used approximately 392 times. The watching party concluded that if we had started a drinking game where you drank at the phrase "right reasons" we would all be passed out within 10 minutes of the box being introduced.

While the guys sort out who is not here for the right reasons Jesse takes the opportunity to get some one-on-one time with Ali. He’s made her a gift that appears to be one of those BFF heart necklaces that’s separated down the middle so they can each have a piece of their heart. That would have been really sweet…if it was 1995 and Ali was in the fourth grade.

Ali then decides it’s time to dish out the first impression rose and it goes to non other than Roberto the salsa dancer. He seems like a nice guy and hat tip to Amy P. who picked him to get the first impression rose before the show even started. Latin lover…

Hunter is mad that Roberto won because he “did some hot sauce dance or something”. Chris enters again with the results from the black box of doom and yet another twist! Ali can choose to save the guy who received the most votes or send him home immediately. Chris tells the guys that the person who received an overwhelming large number of votes was Justin / Rated-R / ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER. Justin is shocked…I am not.

Ali takes him to a room with 1,000 candles on the wall – it’s a literal hot seat. She asks why he thinks he was chosen and he believes it’s because the guys think he’s here to promote his entertainment wrestling career. She decides that doesn’t make sense because the entertainment wrestling and bachelorette fan bases aren’t quite the same. When she returns to the room with the guys she gives Justin the rose and he says “What’s up now b*$#%#&!!”

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
I would like to take a moment and thank ABC for not including a deliberation room talk this episode…at this point we were all ready for the roses to be handed out. Ali enters with the shrugged tense shoulders and “I’m nervous and sorry I’m about to hurt some feelings and not quite sure what I’m doing here” face that she’s had all night. She tells they she knows what they’re feeling…yada, yada, yada. And roses are handed out to:
Jesse – Maker of the BFF heart
Ty – Southern boy
Craig R – Yellow converse guy
Tyler V. – Don’t remember him
Frank – BIG Personality!
Steve – Don’t remember him
Chris L. – Wicked awesome
Kirk – Crafty scrapbook-er
John C. – Eyebrows / Bert / proposed already
Chris N. – Don’t remember him
Chris H. – Don’t remember him
Hunter – Calls salsa hot sauce
Craig M. – Hair Guy/Toupee man, etc. (collective boo from the watching party – Amy P. threw up in her mouth a little)
Jonathan – Weatherman
Kasey – Guarder and protector of her heart

Scenes for the season look like we’re in for some major drama-- guys with girlfriends! Ambulances! Crying! Bad Hairstyles Continue!

I'm off to have mandatory fun…be sure to check out the other sites listed at the top of the blog for better and less rushed recaps. See you at the next most dramatic rose ceremony!

Why I Love Target (Reason #132)...

I thought these commercials were so fitting last night...I love this store.

Are We Really Watching This Again?

Put on your chucks and evening gowns friends because here we are – on the cusp of The Most Dramatic Season ever on The Bachelorette. Nevermind that it’s always the most dramatic season ever – if Chris Harrison says it’s The most dramatic then it’s The most dramatic. Ali Fedoqkscwutyorie (I think that’s how you spell her last name…) will be the “lucky lady” to receive the pursuit of 25 men hand selected by casting directors for ratings--- I mean for her potential husband.

For a little prep before the big premiere and so I don’t have to go through all this on the first night when they make their first impressions, let’s meet the bachelors! As I stated in my previous post ABC actually included a PDF cheat sheet of all the bachelors on their site which I think is a brilliant addition. Although it would have been better if they had done a little bio too like Lincee does – you know, “he’s the one who broke man code” (or something like that). The list below contains each bachelor’s name followed by their age, job, state of residence, and my personal favorite fact listed about them from the ABC website. So this is not the longest post ever I’ve grouped the photos together with descriptions below. For bigger pictures head over to this site

Chris H: 27, Real Estate Developer, Canada. Favorite book: “How to Win Friends and Influence People”…I think he misunderstood the question and instead answered which book he read to prepare for the battle to win Ali’s heart. I expect him to overly-flatter a lot of people.

Chris L.: 33, Landscaper, Massachusetts. Direct quote from the ABC website: “Tattoos? Let’s just say check out his heart.” This makes me very nervous that upon exiting the limo he’ll rip off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Ali’s face on his chest.
Chris N.: 29, Entrepreneur, Florida. What he would bring to a desert island: “Mixed bag of fruit veggie seeds, water purifier, and his future wife.” Lame…

Craig M.: 33, Dental Sales, Canada. None of his facts on the ABC website are fun or interesting…also, please…someone – his hair?? It’s very poufy. I predict he goes home night one.

Craig R.: 27, Lawyer, Pennsylvania. He seems pretty normal – standard answers on his fun fact sheet…which means he’s probably going home early too.

Derek: 28, Sales Manager, California. His worst date memory: “He was going to a movie, and went to open a door and it hit him in the face -- splitting his eyebrow, causing him to bleed all over.” Oh Derek unfortunately I am very able to identify with that story. Very able. Also, does he look like someone famous to anyone else? Maybe this guy?


Derrick: 27, Construction Engineer, California. The most outrageous thing he's ever done: “Fashion show, Speedo, 150 people....five years ago” Oh for the love of all that is good please don’t make us see any Speedos this year ABC…please.

Frank: 31, Retail Manager, Illinois. The most outrageous thing he has done: “Quit his job, packed his bags and headed to Europe to make it up as he went along.” Very adventurous! However I’d like to know how he ended up in Illinois after Europe.

Hunter: 28, Internet Account Executive, Texas. His favorite book: “Sweetie, a book his grandfather wrote about how he met his wife and how they managed to keep their love strong while he was off to war” I predict Hunter stays around a while because 1) he’s from Texas and 2) he clearly watched last season because he knows that Ali likes answers that involve grandparents.

Jason: 27, Construction Consultant, Colorado. The most outrageous thing he has ever done: “Once he fell from a 60' waterfall when he was looking over the edge to find a place to jump from.” Am I the only one confused by this answer? So falling is more outrageous than jumping?

Jay: 29, Lawyer, Rhode Island. His favorite book: “He finds Donald Trumps' books interesting and inspirational” Lame! No way he’s making it past night one.

Jesse: 24, General Contractor, Missouri. What is his best date memory: “Having a food fight!” I see a group date food fight on the horizon…

John C.: 32, Hotel Business Development, Washington. Nothing jumps out on his fun fact sheet…sorry John C.

John N.: 27, Engineering Software Sales, Missouri. What is his best date memory: “A date that ended up lasting two days.” Clearly he has prepared for the marathon Bachelorette dates.

Jonathan: 30, Weatherman, Texas. A weatherman, for real!? I’m really hoping for some sort of weather related pun when he steps out of the limo to meet Ali. (i.e. You’ll have sunny days with me…no thunderstorms ahead.)

Justin: 26, ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER, Canada. Three things he would bring on a desert island: “Spear Gun, a woman and hair gel.” I promise I didn’t make that answer up…spear gun, a woman and HAIR GEL. Oh Justin I don’t know where to begin with you so I’ll just state all words that repeatedly jumped out at me upon viewing your picture. Here’s a better look at it first:
Silver Chain! Hair Gel! Soul Patch! For the blog’s sake I hope you stay around a while…


Kasey: 27, Adverting Account Executive, California. What he considers his three best attributes: “Being romantic, generous and wholesome.” You don’t hear the word wholesome very much anymore…I think there’s a reason for that.

Kirk: 27, Sales Consultant, Wisconsin. Most outrageous thing he's ever done: “Flew to Las Vegas for a weekend getaway with someone he met for the first time a week prior.” Another one who has been in Bachelorette date training…

Kyle: 26, Outdoorsman, Colorado. What three items he would bring if he was stranded on a desert island: “Fishing pole, Icee Machine and his dog.” Better than the hair gel and “a woman” answer I’ll give him that, but I just don’t see Ali as the outdoorsy type. And what does an outdoorsman actually do anyway?

Phil: 30, Investment Manager, Illinois. What does he admire most: “His grandparents who are happy in love and life” Again another guy going after the grandparent connection...these guys definitely watched last season.

Roberto: 26, Insurance Agent, South Carolina. What is his worst date: “Double date in high school where his date cried because she spilled ketchup.” I think that’s hilarious and hope they bring back the high school date this season as a twist.

Steve: 28, Sales Representative, Ohio. Three things he would bring on a desert island: “Blackberry, iPod and his positive attitude.” Well I guess that makes sense because he’ll definitely need that positive attitude once the batteries die for the technology he’s brought to a deserted island.

Ty: 31, Medical Sales, Tennessee. What he considers his most embarrassing moment: “He mispronounced a word on stage in front of 2,500 people.” I hope he’s been practicing how to pronounce Ali’s last name.

Tyler M.: 25, Catering Manager, Texas. What is the most outrageous thing he's ever done: “Hitch-hiked in a Speedo” Again I say, Oh for the love of all that is good please don’t make us see any Speedos this year ABC…please.

Tyler V.: 25, Online Advertising, Connecticut. His favorite book: “I Hope they serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max” Based on this answer I’m guessing Tyler V. might not get along so well with wholesome Kasey. Maybe we’ll get an Angry Dave vs. Man-Code-Breaking Juan fight again this season!? One can hope.

So there’s the group for this most dramatic Bachelorette season ever. ABC also has a few video previews of the season which you can watch here. I think we’re in for a good one!

Testing...

Hello? Hello? Anyone still out there?? I don’t blame you if you’ve shunned this blog due to inactivity. I’ve run into some blog access issues during the hours of 8am to 5pm (if you know what I mean). So that's partly the reason for my disappearance. However with the Bachelorette returning in just 4 days I knew there would be no excuse acceptable for being MIA. So this is a test post done differently than how I normally post these things – just making sure everything looks okay and if it works I’ll post again soon with a preview of the bachelors vying for Ali's heart on The Bachelorette season ahead of us.

While you wait for the preview post check out this site from the ABC website – there’s actually an official Bachelor cheat sheet with a place for notes and everything! Definitely makes my job easier for the watching parties!