What Are the Right Reasons? Am I Here for Them?

Today is a "required fun day" at our office so I'll be away from my computer most of the day having fun in a company meeting and then watching a minor league baseball game. Please don't be jealous of my fun. Therefore even though last night was the premiere this post will be shorter than usual. Other recaps that I highly recommend can be found here and here. And of course you can read Chris Harrison's blog here.

So since time is short let's get to it...

Our dear bachelorette appears wearing a sweater she borrowed from Jane Fonda (according to Amy P at the watching party). We are treated to a mini-recap of last season where we again see Ali ugly-crying as she tells Jake she loves him but she has to go to work. Then we see her change her mind in the limo followed by Jake telling her she's too late. Ali tells us, "I chose a desk, computer, and keyboard over love." I wanted to tell her that most jobs also come with a paycheck and benefits but I guess at facebook they just pay in office supplies? Our heroine assures us this time she's choosing love over technology and even gave up her job and apartment to prove it.

The Eligible Bachelors
Introduction time for the Bachelors! We get to see some of the guys in their hometowns and during their auditions - for time's sake I'll go with a list format of what stood out:

Frank: Anyone else wonder if those were transition lenses? Big personality...I mean BIG. A tad overwhelming yet endearing at the same time. He lives with his parents which could be an issue since Ali now has no money either since she gave up her keyboard for love.

Jay: Lawyer, boring...actually said, "A family that sues together stays together." That's funny because I always say, "A guy that stays with a slicked back feathered hair style stays... single."

Craig M.: Super cocky, poofy hair.

Kyle: Oh Kyle the mountain man. He's lonely ice fishing and thinks Ali is the perfect person to join him alone on the ice...you know because she's been living in California. We're also treated to a view of the many carcasses he has killed. Neat-o!

Justin: ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER...that's a reflex when I see his name. While in the ring his message to the other men is to "Be Scared!" While out of the ring his message to the world is he's just a nice guy with an unfortunate soul patch who loves his Grandma.

Phil: Better personality than I originally thought, younger brother passed away and he now runs triathlons. (sorry that's really all I wrote down about him...)

Jonathan: The weatherman who is going to use his humor to win Ali over. That is unless she doesn't like his humor...then he will not be humorous.

Ty: Southern accent, singer, divorced a few months ago. Because as we saw last season with 10ley - what better way to move on from a divorce than to go on a reality TV dating competition show!?

Chris L.: I have to say he made the best first impression on me - seemed genuine, moved back home to be with family when his mom was sick, from the Northeast where Ali is from...I have a feeling about this.

Roberto, Tyler, Derrick, and Steve were then all given approximately 2.3 seconds of TV time each so I don't think they said complete sentences.

First Impressions
Can I just say that first impressions are very nerve-wracking? Not that I have any personal experience with an embarrassing first impression or anything - but at least when these guys got out of the limo they didn't have to worry about remembering to turn their car off. Because sometimes that's easy to forget...

Anyway, Chris Harrison welcomes Ali back and she pulls up in a limo (thankfully they didn't go the motorcycle route again). She steps out of the limo and the thought 'lower lip collagen' immediately goes through my mind. Chris and her discussed something but all I could focus on was her large lower lip. I don't remember her lip being unproportionally large last season...just sayin'.

The first limo arrives and Chris H. (not to be confused with our host Chris Harrison) pops out and tells her he's nervous. She's nervous too so they already have a lot in common. Jesse is next and goes for the old hometown pun when he asks, "How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?" Ali is rightfully confused until he delivers the punchline of, "I'm from Peculiar, MO." Ali gives a pity laugh and I start to get nervous about this year's crop of men...

Chris L. is next - they discuss how they are Red Sox fans and my initial good feelings about him are intensified. Frank's head then appears out of the sunroof of the limo. Ali starts laughing nervously and then he heaves himself out of the limo and on to the roof of the car and start shouting something that sounded like Richard Gere in the end of Pretty Woman.

Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER is next and he explains that he's broken his ankle while ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLING. Then he hops up the stairs into the house while grunting a 'hump' with each jump. Attractive.

Several more guys came through at this point - Jay, Chris N. and Kasey but none of them really made an impression. Then it was Outdoorsman Kyle's turn. He gave Ali the ole' imaginary hook and reel move and for some reason she loved it. Roberto was next and as he started speaking in Spanish I had flashbacks of inappropriate Channy but thankfully he kept it clean. Craig was next and actually delivered the clever, "I'm so happy you're not Vienna" line which you know Ali had to love.

John N. was next...eyebrows. Then John C. exited the limo and proposed to Ali with a cubic zirconium ring in a proposal for one-on-one time. Really? Someone at the watching party shouted, "Bert from Bert and Ernie!" Judge for yourself on the star spot...
Again there was a group of not super memorable guys - Jonathan the weatherguy gave her a sunshine pin, Kirk made her a rose out of a napkin which thanks to my crafty dad I can actually do as well. Then came one of my favorite moments of the night - Tyler M. exited the limo wearing cowboy boots and said he did so because he noticed that she wore cowboy boots when she first met Jake. Clever...except that she DIDN'T! Ali corrects him and then you just feel sorry for the guy because aren't bad first impressions the worst?! Not that I would know.

Derek throws some leaves on her- you know because she thinks you wish on leaves instead of stars. I'm not supportive of encouraging false beliefs, although it was funny to see the huge leave stuck in her hair. Derrick introduces himself as Shooter and tells her he'll give her the details on his nickname once inside. I wish she has said "No, thank you." Jason was the last out of the limo and ended in rare form as he did a backflip off the hood of the limo. Impressive.

Cocktail Party
Chris Harrison reenters and tells Ali it's time to go in and get to know her suitors. She turns around to head in and what the....that's when we see that she's taken a page from Peter Cottontail's wardrobe and the back of her dress has a large rhinestone-sequin-diamond poof on here rear end where a bunny tail might be. I think Ali is beautiful but the watching party was in unison that she didn't do herself any favors with that dress selection.

Upon entering the room she tells the guys, "Have my back because I'm gonna have your back." I wonder aloud that what means and Amy P. tell me that she meant to say 'ride by back because I'm gonna ride your back.'

During the cocktail party we learn that:
Kirk macramed a scrapbook about himself, Kasey really wants to guard and protect Ali's heart, Hunter can play the ukulele, Derek is impressed with Hunter's ukulele abilities, Jason looks exactly like Dale Earnhardt Jr., and unfortunately we also learn the reason for the nickname Shooter is because Derrick has done so prematurely before if you know what I mean. And that's all I will say about that...

Craig M. is secretly referred to as "Hair guy" and "The guy with the toupee" by the other guys and I'd say those are much more fitting nicknames seeing as his hair looks like a Dr. McDreamy hairstyle gone wrong. Roberto gets some alone time with Ali and makes good on his promise to teach her salsa dancing. Chris L. makes good on his northeastern stereotype and calls her "wicked awesome".

Outdoorsman Kyle tells the other guys, "If I can eat the first impression rose it can go in my soul forever and no one can have it." Step away from the mountain man Ali....

During his one on one time Justin the ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER tells Ali about his profession and his stage name of "Rated-R". Then he unbuttons his shirt to reveal a Rated-R Tshirt. Somehow Ali is not totally turned off by this but the other guys see a target. They decide that Justin is not here for the right reasons because clearly he just wants to promote his entertainment wrestling career. You know - because people who like entertainment wrestling also never miss an episode of The Bachelorette...definitely a good plan to build your fan base.

Craig R. tells Ali to "be careful" because some of these guys may have ulterior motives. Then he gives her a mini yellow converse high top on a key chain and she LOVES it.

The Right Reasons Drinking Game
Chris Harrison enters the room to dramatic music and explains that the guys will now have a chance to anonymously tell Ali who they think isn't here for the right reasons. The bouncer who had to escort Roz out last season then enters carrying the dreaded “write down the name of the person you don’t like” black box. For the rest of the show the phrase “right reasons” is used approximately 392 times. The watching party concluded that if we had started a drinking game where you drank at the phrase "right reasons" we would all be passed out within 10 minutes of the box being introduced.

While the guys sort out who is not here for the right reasons Jesse takes the opportunity to get some one-on-one time with Ali. He’s made her a gift that appears to be one of those BFF heart necklaces that’s separated down the middle so they can each have a piece of their heart. That would have been really sweet…if it was 1995 and Ali was in the fourth grade.

Ali then decides it’s time to dish out the first impression rose and it goes to non other than Roberto the salsa dancer. He seems like a nice guy and hat tip to Amy P. who picked him to get the first impression rose before the show even started. Latin lover…

Hunter is mad that Roberto won because he “did some hot sauce dance or something”. Chris enters again with the results from the black box of doom and yet another twist! Ali can choose to save the guy who received the most votes or send him home immediately. Chris tells the guys that the person who received an overwhelming large number of votes was Justin / Rated-R / ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLER. Justin is shocked…I am not.

Ali takes him to a room with 1,000 candles on the wall – it’s a literal hot seat. She asks why he thinks he was chosen and he believes it’s because the guys think he’s here to promote his entertainment wrestling career. She decides that doesn’t make sense because the entertainment wrestling and bachelorette fan bases aren’t quite the same. When she returns to the room with the guys she gives Justin the rose and he says “What’s up now b*$#%#&!!”

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
I would like to take a moment and thank ABC for not including a deliberation room talk this episode…at this point we were all ready for the roses to be handed out. Ali enters with the shrugged tense shoulders and “I’m nervous and sorry I’m about to hurt some feelings and not quite sure what I’m doing here” face that she’s had all night. She tells they she knows what they’re feeling…yada, yada, yada. And roses are handed out to:
Jesse – Maker of the BFF heart
Ty – Southern boy
Craig R – Yellow converse guy
Tyler V. – Don’t remember him
Frank – BIG Personality!
Steve – Don’t remember him
Chris L. – Wicked awesome
Kirk – Crafty scrapbook-er
John C. – Eyebrows / Bert / proposed already
Chris N. – Don’t remember him
Chris H. – Don’t remember him
Hunter – Calls salsa hot sauce
Craig M. – Hair Guy/Toupee man, etc. (collective boo from the watching party – Amy P. threw up in her mouth a little)
Jonathan – Weatherman
Kasey – Guarder and protector of her heart

Scenes for the season look like we’re in for some major drama-- guys with girlfriends! Ambulances! Crying! Bad Hairstyles Continue!

I'm off to have mandatory fun…be sure to check out the other sites listed at the top of the blog for better and less rushed recaps. See you at the next most dramatic rose ceremony!