Life Lessons

The “Men Tell All” episode is historically anticlimactic. However for some reason that doesn’t stop me from getting my hopes up every season for a fun-filled two hours of shocking revelations, surprise guests, and of course dramatic confrontations. Instead it’s always two long hours of clips we’ve seen multiple times already this season, mini confrontations that are settled in 2 minutes, and scenes for the finale that we’ve seen 32 times. So because nothing really exciting happened last night (in my opinion) today’s recap will be in the form of a Top 10 List.

“Top 10 Lessons Learned from The Bachelorette: Season 6”
One of the most watched seasons according to Chris Harrison, to which the watch party replied, "...Really?"

10. If Chris Harrison Was Not Our Host This Show Would Be Nothing.
Our Host Chris Harrison is definitely one of the highlights of the Men Tell All and last night was no different. How he keeps a straight face while hosting this show I’ll never know.

9. If You Wear Sequins on TV You Will Sparkle
Ali chose to wear a completely sequined dress with a sequin headband and sparkly earrings during her recap discussion with Chris Harrison. “Very blingy” as Julie at the watch party described. Then at the end of the show she came out with more sequins on…but that outfit will be discussed in another lesson.

8. If You Do Something Silly During Your Time on the Show You’ll Get Extra Time During the Blooper Reel!
Last night we got to watch unseen footage including:
• Rrroberto pointing the champagne bottle at Ali as he uncorked the bottle resulting in a “near death” experience for her as he put it
• Frank’s dad giving a toast using only prepositional phrases while the rest of the family kept a straight face until it was over and they all revealed it was a joke
• Ali putting on a astronaut helmet at the museum with Kasey (which apparently she had forgotten about…her foggy memory probably had nothing to do with her alcohol consumption)
• Rrroberto & Ali being interrupted by animal noises on their date
• Chris N. nicknamed “The Phantom” because of his appearing and disappearing throughout the show

7. If You Can Barely Pull Off a Celebrity Look-Alike Then Wear Clothes the Celebrity Wore in Their Hit Movies to Enhance Your Similarity.
For the love of all that is good why does the Weatherman insist on wearing always wearing a jacket?!? Really Jonathan, is it that cold in the studio!? And he doesn’t just choose any jacket but jackets that immediately imply some sort of 80’s reference. Last night it was a brown leather bomber jacket a la Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

6. If you Play Your Cards Right You Can Exit The Bachelorette With a Spiffy New Nickname.
Chris N. aka “the Phantom” got more camera time last night than he did on the whole season. Apparently that wasn’t just editing though – he really did wander off on his own for much of the show. But proving that he does in fact have a personality he unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a black t-shirt with “The Phantom” printed across mocking Justin’s “Rated-R” t-shirt reveal on the first night. Where was that personality all season? Maybe he picked up a personality while spray tanning? He’s very orange now…

5. If You Feel Guilty about Breaking Up with 22 Men then Upon Seeing All of Them Again, Wear an Unflattering Dress and Don’t Do Your Hair.
When Ali came out to talk to the guys again she chose yet another sequin dress althougth this one was a bit unflattering as the watch party observed. She also apparently closed her eyes and stuck several bobby pins in her hair and then called it an up-do. Julie at the watch party thought she might be growing dreads under the rat’s nest. When Ali was on stage Kirk told her, “I came here to fall in love and move forward with you…” and Emily finished is sentence with, “…but now that I see that hair and dress I think thank goodness that didn’t work out.” Very accurate I think.

4. If You Come Across as Crazy During Your Time on The Bachelorette it’s Best to Just Embrace it.
All the guys called Kasey crazy but then also said they love him because that’s just who he is – a legitimately crazy person that makes each of them feel more normal. His craziness was highlighted as he sang another original song for Ali when she came out on stage. That took guts for sure, I guess that’s something.

3. If You Want to Extend Your 15 minutes of Fame to 30 Minutes Find out How to Appear on Multiple Seasons.
Jessie, Ali’s “friend” from The Bachelor season with Jake, also came out to talk about how she met Rated-R’s girlfriend and heard about how the original girlfriend learned there was yet another girlfriend in the picture. (follow that?) Jessie wasn’t just going to sit on this juicy information that would secure her place in the franchise that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette so she explained how she contacted a producer and “the call” was made to inform “her friend” Ali. I’m sure this is just the beginning of Jessie’s long and fruitful Reality TV career.

2. If Going on The Bahcelorette Made You Realize You Want a Career in Reality TV But You’re Too Old for The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Don’t worry, Now You Can Star on The Bachelor Pad!
More extended scenes were shown for The Bachelor Pad which I’m just not sure I can bring myself to watch. Is there anyone on the show that doesn’t cry or makeout at some point? I think that’s what the whole show is about, right?

1. If You Are Not THE Named Bachelor or Bachelorette You Will Be Chastised for Dating More Than One Person Simultaneously.
At least 30 minutes of the show was devoted to bashing Rated-R. After seeing a clip montage of him being confronted and escaping through the bushes again we heard from all the guys about how Justin is a cuss and he cussin’ didn’t deserve to be there and how cussin’ selfish could he be? Another 30 minutes was devoted to Frank and his selfishness. Ali stated regarding Frank, “For him to come to this point and do this is so selfish.” Emily pointed out that Ali did the same thing to Jake last season but for work instead of a man. I guess that’s different…somehow.

See you next week for the dramatic season finale! For more recap fun check out Chris Harrison’s blog and the hilarious www.ihategreenbeans.com