And Then There Was One

…or “última posición de hombre” if you’re in the mood to speak simple Spanish phrases like the Fedotowsky family!

Clearly photo-shopped picture courtesy of ABC website

Well we finally made it to the end of Ali’s journey. I think we can all agree that the most shocking thing about this season has been Ali’s terrible dark roots – well that and the fact that she managed to narrow it down to two seemingly normal and attractive men. You gotta give her some credit on that one although she did have some help narrowing down the field thanks in part to her Canadian “friend” Jessie, and Frank’s self-withdraw, and Kasey’s red flag waving in the form of a tattoo.

Since this is the season finale it means there are many routine things that must take place. The first of which is the obligatory flashback through the season – Ali delivers a long monologue about how great Rrroberto and Chris are as we are forced to relive some of her fashion don’ts. After the flashback we see Ali sporting a bikini top and white pants and realize the fashion don’ts will continue on in this episode.

Rrroberto Habla Espanol
First up to meet the parents is Rrroberto. Ali greets him wearing strapless dress and tells him in a very high pitched voice that he looks “soooo handsome.” She takes him inside to meet her mom Beth, Dad Alex, sister Raya, and brother…did he have a name? Right off we see that all other members of Ali’s family have brunette hair – that’s weird because Ali is totally a natural blonde, right?

Ali tells the story of how Rrroberto wooed her with his Spanish speaking and salsa dancing skills. During lunch Ali’s brother asks Rrroberto about his favorite baseball team – Ali knows this answer so she pipes up excitedly, “Tampa Blue Rays!” Rrroberto smiles and corrects her – Tampa Bay Rays...no blue. So Ali has a way to go in learning baseball…

Raya and unnamed brother take Rrroberto outside to get to know him better. I’m a little distracted by Raya’s pronunciation of “Roberto” as “Rrrraberto”…I can’t help but think she must have had a high school Spanish teacher that also highly emphasized rolling R’s. Dallas satellite watching party members Jeni and Kate note that the Unnamed Brother does not appear to be 21 years-old and thus must have been drinking illegally on TV. This might explain his awkward behavior and blank expression.

Meanwhile Ali continues talking with her parents inside. She tells them, “I’m kind of hyper you know, but he brings me down.” Her dad deadpans, “Join the club.” I’m not sure if Dad was trying to imply that he is a hyper person – if so I’m calling your bluff Alex! I’m pretty sure he didn’t have any inflection of voice throughout the entire episode.

Next up Mom Beth took Rrroberto outside, she is beyond thrilled that Ali is happy – thrilled to the point of tears. Also she wants to hold Rrroberto’s hand a lot. At the end of the conversation Mom pulls out her high school Spanish and tells Rrroberto, “Creo que su corazón es puro“ or something like that which she thinks means “I believe your heart is pure”. Kate at the satellite party gives points to Rrroberto for politely replying with a simple “Gracias” instead of what he was really thinking, “…Que?”

Finally it’s time for the Father and potential son-in-law chat. As Dad and Rrroberto make their way outside the satellite watch party makes the sharp observation that Dad is sporting the Doc Martin sandals he must have acquired in 1993.
Of course the beach look is complete with his short sleeve button down Hawaiian themed shirt that he picked up at the hotel gift shop on ABC’s tab. Rrroberto tells Dad he loves Ali and would like to ask for his blessing should he choose to propose to her. After some awkward silence Dad cracks a timid smile and says Rrroberto seems like an okay guy so blessing is granted.

The whole family comes together again and Rrroberto teaches Mom to salsa dance as Ali teachers her dad. Ali says she’s normally the one dancing in her family while everyone else laughs and or watches. She’s glad she won’t have to have a dance party of 1 anymore…for her sake so am I.

Chris is Wicked Awesome
Chris strolls up to Ali with about the top 5 buttons on his white long sleeve shirt unbuttoned and a fruit basket in tow as a gift for the family. If the fruit basket doesn’t woo them over I guess he’s hoping his abs will. Emily at the watch party guesses that the fruit basket was actually in his hotel room and he figured it would be a perfect re-gift. Ali greets Chris wearing a green button down shirt and shorts with her hair in a messy braid. Sarah at the watch party astutely notes that Ali always seems to dress more casual around Chris than she does with Rrroberto. Interesting…

Ali introduces Chris to the family and tells them he’s from Massachusetts which received cheers all around. They talk about all the other connections they have…Chris’ mom was a nurse, and Beth is a nurse; Chris’ dad was born in Montreal and Alex was born in Montreal; Chris’ dad was a teacher and Raya is a teacher; Chris likes to laugh and the family likes to laugh; Chris has teeth and the family all have teeth – clearly this is a match!

Raya and unnamed brother take Chris outside to get to know their potential future brother-in-law better and to talk about wicked awesome things like the Red Sox, Boston Baked Beans, and Ben Affleck. Meanwhile Mom and Ali have a chat about her situation. We see that Mom has taken a cue from Ali’s hair accessories and is sporting a flower in her pony tail. Hopefully she won’t get angry and dramatically throw it down. Mom is glad she’s not in Ali’s shoes having to choose between these two awesome guys. I think she may have also asked for the phone number of whichever guy will be rejected.

Chris and Dad step outside to have “the talk” and again we see that Dad is really enjoying all these tropical themed outfits that he never gets to wear in Massachusetts. Chris asks for Dad’s blessing should he decide to propose and Dad says that since Chris is “family orientated” he gives the blessing.

Then the whole family puts on their swimsuits to go for a swim. Mom appears to be wearing some spandex pants as she holds her nose and jumps in. Ali and Chris have some alone time and then he says he doesn’t want to leave and she just smiles. Chris says goodbye and then looks back at her about 10 times as he walks across the bridge. Adorable.

Family Debriefing
Ali asks her family for their opinion on her two suitors – it appears that dad was more taken with Rrroberto while Sister and Brother are wicked awesome Chris fans. Mom would be happy as a clam with either one. Good talk family!

Rrroberto Seals the Deal
Ali walks down the dock to greet Rrroberto – Emily at the watch party wonders aloud how many shirts Ali is wearing. Julie explains that the top one must be a paint smock. Rrroberto and Ali hop on a jet ski and Ali tells us, “I love getting on machines that go really fast.”

They ride the jet skip up to a school of sting rays and decide to exit the machine that can quickly take them away from the stinging animals and instead play among them. While Ali somehow feels protected with Rrroberto nearby however, I’m thinking Rrroberto needs to take a page from Kasey’s book on guarding and protecting hearts because Ali’s was literally in danger. As Kate at the satellite watching party stated, “Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter should have come to mind. Maybe that's what makes this ending different from any others and the ‘most dramatic rose ceremony ever’...the bachelorette dies by sting ray attack.”

Rrroberto & Ali survive playing with sting rays and end up on a beach by themselves. They talk about how they could be anywhere as long as they are together and it starts to rain. They talk about how romantic and awesome the rain is and then they make out in the rain while standing in the water.

After the beach day fun Rrroberto prepares for their final date night at his place. He sets out some tapas and puts the gift he got for Ali that the ABC Intern wrapped for him on the bed. Ali walks to his room wearing a jumpsuit romper number – clearly channeling her inner Beyonce in an effort to remind him that if he likes it he better put a ring on it.

They eat the appetizers and talk about how incredible the rain was. Then she opens her present - a homemade picture frame with their first picture taken together in the human heart shaped lagoon. On the back of the frame Rrroberto has written some sort of Spanish poem and signed it “Mucho Amour, Roberto”. Rrrroberto pours out his heart and tells Ali he loves her. To which Ali replies with nervous laughter. She has become a smitten kitten and tells him her heart is exploding out of her chest. Ali tells us that she knows she should leave seeing as she has a date with Chris the next day but she “can’t.” Rrroberto is of course okay with her staying and with that we have Clue #1 that this will not end well for Chris.

Bambi Dies
Chris tells us he is super pumped for his final date with Ali and can’t wait to spend the day with her. Cue abrupt knock on the door. Chris opens to the door and Ali immediately hugs him so that he doesn’t have a chance to kiss her. Clue #2…

Then Ali starts talking a mile a minute about how stressful her day has been and how she’s been thinking a lot and we all know that can’t be an easy thing for her to do often. She tells Chris she doesn’t know where to start but has to tell him something. He tells her, “It’s okay, you can say it” and it’s clear from his face that he has an idea of what’s coming.

Ali starts with, “I’m at the point where I have 2 guys and I don’t know what to do.” At this effort to get people to sympathize with her, the dumper, instead of the dumpee someone (who will remain nameless) at the watching party yelled out, “B*$#@!” Ali continues and tells him that she’s in love with someone else and doesn’t want to put him through the final rose ceremony tomorrow when she already knows that he’s not the one for her.

The instrumental version of Listen to Your Heart plays in the background for dramatic effect as we see Chris process what Ali has just told him. Unnamed male #2 texts, “This is like watching someone shoot Bambi.” Chris thanks Ali for being honest and not making him go through tomorrow. He wishes her well and then they walk to the door. Ali whimpers and asks, “Can I have a hug?” before leaving and then tells him to, “Hang in there, okay?” at which point I think the entire watch party yelled out “B(#$&!”

Ali walks down to the beach and tells us she didn’t want to put Chris through tomorrow knowing she is 100% in love with Rrroberto. But she also reminds us that she’s taking a risk leaving only Rrroberto for her. Such a rebel narrowing it down to only one guy to date!

Chris walks out to his deck and pulls half of a “Mesnick” as he leans on the railing and contemplates what just happened. He walks around the deck and then in the distance sees a perfect rainbow. Since his mom told him to look for her in rainbows he’s struck by the timing of the rainbow and believes his mom is telling him she’s proud of him for putting himself out there for love. Unnamed male #2 sent this video which is apparently "all the rage" on the internet these days. It doesn’t really align with the sentiment of Chris’ rainbow but is absolutely hilarious and somehow fitting nonetheless.

Chris packs his things and heads down to the boat to be sent back to cold Cape Cod. Carrie at the watch party notes that Frank brought more luggage to Tahiti for his one day excursion than Chris had for his multiple day journey. Aimee reminds her that Frank had pack all those party cardi’s in his wardrobe.

Last Man Standing
It’s a new day and Ali is still confident in her choice to pick just one guy. She sips coffee in her hot pink v-neck and white pants which she knows will look great on camera against the bright blue water.

Meanwhile Neil Lane pays a visit to Rrroberto with his magical silver briefcase of free diamonds. As Rrroberto looks over the rings he discusses his feelings about Ali with Neil. I know – right!? Who does Neil think he is stepping all up on Chris Harrison’s rightful job of relationship sensei?? Rrroberto makes a ring selection and the Chris Harrison wannabe commends him on his confidence.

Next we had to endure the getting ready for the final rose ceremony scenes of Rrroberto tying his tie and Ali holding up her dress in the mirror, etc., etc. Rrroberto emerges from his hotel room looking pretty sharp in his suit and he’s directed down to a boat. You know he had to be cursing ABC for making him ride a boat in a suit in the heat. Don’t they know about his sweating problem? Apparently not because once he reached the destination Chris Harrison greeted him and then told him Ali was at the top of the stairs.

He makes it to the top of the hundreds of stairs and sees Ali in all her Barbie gold dress glory. He walks down to Ali and tells her, “My heart is pounding right now.” She assumes it’s because he’s so excited to be there but we all know it’s because he has a sweating issue and just scaled a mountain in a suit. Rrroberto tells her she’s the one for him and that he loves her. Ali is finally able to tell him that she loves him too and also reveals that he’s the only man proposing to her today. He looks flattered and then gets down on one knee and presents her the Neil Lane diamond (funded by ABC). She says yes and then…cue the Lion King music!! We’re treated to a clip montage of their journey together – oh look there’s Ali in that hideous black dress, oh and there they are in spandex at the Lion King, and then of course the baseball uniforms.

After the clip montage we come back to the rose ceremony podium where Ali extends the final rose to Rrroberto and asks, “¿usted aceptará esto se levantó?” He assumes her broken Spanish translates to ‘will you accept this rose’ and replies with an emphatic, “Si!”

Can You Feel the Love Tonight plays louder in the background as we see the happy couple twirling around. Emily at the watch party says, “I just feel the roots” referring to Ali’s desperate need for a good hair coloring. I think that sums up the season well…

I confess I only half watched the ATFR special since we had our bracket competition awards going on…congratulations to Lauren, Amy, and Maria the winners of the coveted rose trophies:


However I think the gist of the ATFR was:
1) Frank didn’t show up
2) Ali loves a dress with sequins
3) Chris L. is still super cute and extremely mature in how he handled the rejection
4) Ali and Rrroberto are still together and in love and are moving to San Diego
5) Seriously how many free things does ABC give these people – a trip to Catalina Island on top of all the other places they went?!

With that we have another season of this crazy yet somehow highly addictive reality dating competition TV show in the books! Final recaps from Chris Harrison and the hilarious ihategreenbeans.com can be found here and here. You can watch Ali & Roberto's appearance on Jimmy Kimmel last night here (it confirms my theory on Ali and sequins).

Thanks for reading along this season and special thanks to all the watch party and satellite watch party attendees for your always hilarious commentary. See you next season for the new most dramatic journey of love ever!