A Few Good Men

We’re down to four men which means – Hometown Dates! I admit this is usually my favorite episode of the season. Bringing families in allows for all kinds of new characters...


Rrroberto – Tampa, Florida
Rrroberto grew up and played baseball in college or on a minor league team or something like that in Tampa – not Charleston where he currently lives. There was some debate at the watching party as I think we missed his history in Tampa. They run and greet each other and the watching party notes how “cute” it is that they ironically are wearing matching plaid Hollister shirts.

After Rrroberto is done picking up Ali multiple times he leads her to the fence of a baseball field and she acts like she has no idea what they’ll be doing. When he actually opens the fence to reveal the baseball diamond she thinks it’s a sign that he’s ready to give her a diamond ring.

He gives her a jersey with her name and his baseball number on it; again she mistakes the jersey for a marriage proposal and tells us, “I love having a jersey with Roberto's number on it. It makes me proud. I'm like a proud wife.” I’m guessing Ali’s not aware of the phrase, “putting the cart before the horse”

Rrroberto changes into his minor league baseball uniform and she LOVES it. Ali thinks there’s nothing hotter than a guy in a baseball uniform. I personally think baseball uniforms aren’t particularly flattering – anyone on my side?

They throw the ball around and it appears that Ali is somewhat athletic although as the watching party points out, it could have been several takes to get the few shots that she actually made contact with the ball.

Rrroberto then tells Ali he has a gift for her – he pulls out his laminated minor league baseball card and hands it to Ali. She swoons and tells him he’s “smokin’ hot”. He smiles knowingly. She tells us, “I never thought I’d date a guy with his own baseball card.” Let that be a lesson for the kids -- your dreams can come true if you decide to participate in a reality tv dating competition show.

Rrroberto and Ali head to his parents house to meet the family. We meet his dad Rrroberto Sr., his mom Olga, his sister Olga and his brother-in-law Peter. Yep – 2 Roberto’s and 2 Olga’s. I guess Ali is okay with naming their children Roberto and Olga. They family eats dinner and asks Ali what she noticed first about Rrroberto. Instead of being honest and saying his smokin’ hot looks she says something about how he helped with her nerves.

Rrroberto Sr. takes Rrroberto Jr. outside with Peter (the name outcast) and points out that it’s very easy to fall in love when you have just come from Portugal. Finally – someone with some common sense about this show! He wants to make sure that she makes him happy because he is a big prize. (not a big “price” which half of the watching party thought was said)

Senor Rrroberto takes Ali into the room with the trophy shrine to Junior. Then he conducts a job interview with her. “What are your life goals?” he asks. She responds with, “I’d like to own a business one day. I want to have a successful career.” Big Rrroberto tells her that little Rrroberto’s career may take him to other places, he wants to know which career would come first. Ali hits a home run and says the family would come first – whatever is best for little little Rrroberto and Olga. Big Rrroberto is won over and gives his blessing on the impending marriage that has a 25% chance of happening at this point.

Meanwhile, Rrroberto Junior’s mother Olga tells him that if he’s happy with Ali he should “propose her.” Then they speak Spanish and I am impressed. To close the visit the family and Ali all gather in the living room and salsa dance the night away.

Chris - Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Chris is on the beach with his adorable black lab “Jenny” when Ali pulls up in the Tahoe. She runs over to greet Chris and reaches down to greet Jenny who’s running toward her. Unfortunately for Ali she is rejected as Jenny runs right past her toward the Tahoe.

Chris and Ali walk along the beach – Ali in her high heel leather boots; make that two pairs of boots that Ali has destroyed on her Bachelor/Bachelorette stint. Then they head back to Chris’ parents house and look at pictures around the house of his family. It’s clear this is going to be a very emotional hometown date.

They sit in rocking chairs on the porch and pretend it’s the end of the work day. Chris says he needs a beer and Ali responds with, “Oh I have one in my purse”. Apparently Ali’s imaginary job encourages a BYOB work environment. Then Chris gets serious and tells her he wouldn’t be bringing her back to meet his family if he didn’t like her and was sure they would like him. I’m starting to think that Chris is too real for reality TV.

Ali and Chris walk into the house to wait for the rest of the family to arrive. When Chris’ dad Ed walks he says, “Gee Whiz” upon seeing Ali. And with that Ed wins the title of “most endearing dad on the hometown dates.” The rest of the family comes in – Chris’ brother Mark, his wife Meagan and his brother Eric with his fiancée Sara.

Ali and Chris present the family with the wine they bought in Portugal. The sisters-in-law point out that Ali is wearing the Dennis bracelet. They both have Dennis bracelet’s as well and also have the one that Chris’ mom used to have. The family motto “Love is the only reality” is engraved on his mom’s. Julie at the watching party immediately decides what her next facebook status update will be…and let’s be honest – what her life motto will be as well.

The family eats dinner together and laughs a lot. They ask what first drew Ali to Chris and she says the fact that he’s from Massachusetts. Very romantic. After dinner the sisters-in-law take Ali outside for a chat. They’re both brunettes so they’re not sure about this blonde fitting in until the see her dark roots that have yet to be touched up – then they see who she really is and decide she’ll fit right in.

Then Chris’ dad Ed gets to talk to Ali alone and the whole conversation confirmed that Chris’ family is definitely too real to be on this reality TV show. Chris and his dad have a moment outside to talk about what his mom might have thought of Ali. The whole hometown date was honestly the best one I’ve seen on this show. And by ‘best’ I mean most normal. And by normal I realize the bar for normalcy on this show is very low.

The family says tearful goodbyes to each other and Ed says, “You could just stay...” to which Chris replies, “Don’t worry – we’ll be back soon.” Ali, if you mess this one up I’m pretty sure America will turn against you.

Kirk – Green Bay, Wisconsin
Ali runs to greet Kirk and yells “Kirkeeeee!” Not sure when that nickname started but I’m hoping for Kirk’s sake it doesn’t stick. The first stop on this hometown date is with Kirk’s dad Pete, his stepmom and adopted sister (who’s names I do not remember). Kirk & Ali walk into the house and several observations are made immediately, “Wow – plates – a lot of plates” said Emily at our watching party (referring to the large number of chotcki plates lining the walls of the living room). The satellite watching party in Dallas noted that Kirk’s dad is a dead-ringer for Napoleon Dynamite’s Uncle Rico:
Good call satellite watching party!

They all sit and chat in the living room and then Uncle Rico says, “Hey Ali, would you like to see my basement?” And with that Kirk’s dad wins the title of “creepiest sentence ever stated on TV”. Ali nervously consents and heads down the stairs with Uncle Rico to find…lots of dead animals on the walls. Her expression is priceless. It’s a mix of shock, horror and confusion. Uncle Rico tells Ali he’s a taxidermist so he stuffs dead animals for a living. Ali tells us she likes animals, but likes them to be alive.

She asks how many of these things he’s done and he guesstimates about a thousand. Her eyes grow wider. He points out the different types of animals on the walls – buffalo, deer, fish – and even a caribou foot with red eyes that he attached to create his own animal. Neat-o. Ali then gets a look in the freezer which she tells us is full of, “'frozen dead animals along with the family’s frozen snacks like popsicles and other frozen treats.”

Ali and Uncle Rico move to another part of the basement or another room – it’s unclear. What is clear is the camera shot of a mold of a squirrel holding an acorn behind Ali’s shoulder. Uncle Rico reminds Ali that Kirk hasn’t brought many women home, the watching party understands why. Ali rises to the occasion though and looks past the dead animals (literally) to have a good conversation with Uncle Rico.

Next up Ali is meeting Kirk’s mom, grandma Arlene, and sister. The first thing the watching party notices is that Jessie (the girl from last season who is also friends with Rated-R’s girlfriend) has inspired Kirk’s mom to try the bump-it.

The girls and Kirk have a nice dinner and compliment Arlene on her cooking. Afterward Ali and Kirk’s mom talk about all that Kirk went through with his illness. His mom pulls a very tattered Livestrong bracelet out of her pocket and explains that she started wearing it when Kirk got sick and never took it off. The day that Kirk left to go to the Bachelorette his mom woke up to find that the bracelet had broken off during her sleep. She thought it was a sign that this was a new beginning – a new chapter for Kirk.

Kirk tells us he’s 1,000% on board with Ali and has totally fallen for her. I think since ABC showed us how on board Kirk is it means this is the end of Kirk.

Frank – Chicago, Illinois
Frank strolls along the streets of Chicago in his super sweet party cardi with an unfortunate white scoop neck t-shirt underneath. No wait – is that a stretchy white tank top? Whatever it is it’s showing off Frank’s man cleavage so the watching party naturally had to pause the DVR to debate what he was wearing under the cardigan. By the end of the date it was concluded that it was a tank top. And it was also concluded it was a poor choice.

Anyway – so Ali sees Frank and starts running toward him. He does more of a jog toward her. Red Flag #1. They tour Chicago by boat and take more obligatory pictures of themselves. Frank is visibly stressed out about something – when Ali questions him he complains again that this “process is messing with his head.” He tells her, “I mean I could think we're great and then you send me home tomorrow." I’m confused- how did Frank not know the premise of this show before he signed up?

As the satellite watching party noted – Frank played the “mind games” card last week; apparently he knows it works because then Ali tries to convince him to just remember she likes him and he likes her too. Emily at the watch party suggests the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” might be a helpful read.

After the boat ride and counseling session, Frank and Ali head to his parents house where we meet dad Hank, mom Debbie, sister Becky, and brother-in-law Chris. As the family eats dinner, Debbie comments that Ali and Frank have “the look” which is of course important for successful relationships. They ask Ali how many other hometowns she’s been on and she replies with, “I saved the best for last.” Frank winces a nervous smile…man this girl has some blinders on…

Debbie spends some time talking to Ali after dinner and they both agree that she fits right in. Meanwhile inside Frank, Becky and Chris have moved to a Chinese restaurant. Oh wait – no, that’s just a different part of the living room that looks like a Chinese restaurant. Frank then tells Hank that it’s hard for him to “deal with all the elements”. Hank may or may not realize the elements include some other girl that apparently we won’t get the full story on this week.

Frank walks Ali out to the car and she clings to him as she reminds him how much she likes him. He looks off in the distance as someone from the second floor looks out the window down on them. Was it Debbie? Becky? Or the other woman!?!

Deliberation with Our Host
Ali exits the limo in a light pink prom dress with roses all over the front. Roses on the front Ali, really!? Don’t you think that’s a tad cliché? Our host goes through a recap of the hometown dates with Ali. Basically we learn:

Rrroberto: She thought she didn’t deserve him at first, now realizes he just wants to find love and a family too. Plus he looks smokin’ hot in a baseball uniform. And it doesn’t hurt that he has his own baseball card.

Chris: They took a big step forward this week but Ali wonders if it’s too late

Kirk: Ali is confident that he wants to be with her, she is not confident that he’s best for her

Frank: She admits they can be off and on at times but really likes him when they’re on…and when he’s not complaining about mind games.

Ali begins getting choked up at the thought of sending one of the men home. Our Host tells her again she must eliminate one of them; they can’t end the show with her dating all four men despite her pleas.

The Saddest Rose Ceremony Ever
Ali enters the rose ceremony looking very distressed:

They guys are looking pretty nice – Frank has chosen to wear some sort of hoody/jacket combination but the tank top is gone so I’m not complaining. Rrroberto is sporting the loose tie again.

She tells the guys that she doesn’t want to do this but as Our Host has reminded her she is under contract to break up with one of them tonight. After a deep breath she hands roses to:

Rrroberto – Did you see he had his own baseball card?

Chris – Smart move Ali, you’re safe with America for now

Frank – Thanks to the previews we know what’s coming next week…drama!

Our Host tried his best to shine spotlights on the waving red flags above Frank but alas, it was Kirk who eventually had to take a moment and say his goodbyes. Kirk walks Ali out and it’s really sad…he is very classy and tells her how disappointed he is because he really put himself out there. Ali asks for a hug then says goodbye. Julie at the watching party tells Kirk’s mom to tape the Livestrong bracelet back on…

After regaining composure she goes back in to the house and tells the guys that they’re off to Tahiti next week! Scenes again show Frank telling Ali something and Ali sobbing...I’m kind of sick of that scene and it hasn’t even happened yet.

Check out Our Host’s blog here for a deleted scene from Chris’ hometown date and of course www.ihategreenbeans.com for more recap fun! See you next week for the ugly crying fest!