Frank Tanked

The Official Bachelor/Bachelorette Wall of Shame inducts it’s newest member to the club today…Frank the Tank. Frank joins this infamous club due to his breaking up with Ali when everyone knows Ali is the one who is supposed to have the honor of Dump-er, not Dump-ee, this season. While it could be argued that Frank’s actions are better than fellow Wall of Shame member Jason Mesnick since he at least broke up with Ali BEFORE proposing to her, the committee believes that Frank is a fully qualified member since he went on a reality TV dating competition show while still harboring feelings for his Ex. (…and yes the committee knows there are people out there who believe just going on a reality TV dating competition show at all makes someone qualified for the Wall of Shame; however the committee does not believe this…see examples of Reid and Chris L.).

I start to get irritated at this point of the Bachelor/Bachelorette season because 2 hours is definitely too long for the show at this point. With only 3 guys left we’re forced to watch “flashbacks” of their journey on the show for the first 20 minutes. So the episode begins with Chris L. reflecting on his time with Ali – well he’s either doing that or thinking about what he’s going to eat for lunch. He’s nodding his head as he looks out at the landscape so we really have no idea what he’s thinking about.

Then we move to Rrroberto’s flashback – he ponders his time with Ali as he packs for Tahiti. He conveniently happens upon a Lion King soundtrack CD under some clothes on this bed and chuckles as he remembers when he wore spandex in front of thousands of people. All packed, Rrroberto then lies down on his bed and looks up at the ceiling while holding a baseball…of course. Male #2 at the watching party (a long time watcher, first time watch party attendee) commented that he never sits around with sports equipment pondering life so we must believe that ABC instructed Rrroberto to hold the baseball to remind us once again that he used to play Minor League baseball.

Finally we move to Frank – cue the dramatic background music. Frank tells us he came here to fall in love but feelings for his ex-girlfriend Nicole have still been brewing. He decides he must go to Chicago to confront Nicole and see if the feelings truly do exist. (Translation: he must go make out with Nicole because that’s how you know if you really have feelings, right?) In angst he tells us, “It’s killing me that I have feelings for two girls.” Emily at the watch party tells him that Ali can empathize with his feelings.

Awkward Conversation 101
Frank walks the streets of Chicago with his hands in the pockets of his Rock & Republic jeans. His stomach is at his feet and his heart is in his throat. He walks into Nicole’s building and the watching party questions if this is a college dorm. Nicole opens the door and immediately the watching party estimates her age to be approximately 22 years-old so it’s quite possible that she does in fact still live in a dorm room. Or they met at The Gap.

Frank reiterates the importance of this moment to us saying, “A lifetime of love is coming to a head.” Cue collective eye-roll from the watching party. They sit down on the couch (okay maybe it’s too nice for a dorm room – campus apartment??) and begin the most awkward conversation ever. Frank tells Nicole he’s spent the last “long while” (translation: approximately 4 weeks) fighting for Ali. Then he pauses to let that sink in…awkward silence. He continues by telling her while he’s been jet-setting around the world with Ali she has still been on his mind. Again awkward way too long dramatic pause. He reiterates the amazing time that he’s had with Ali and that he’s grown closer to her but felt like he needed to confront these nagging feelings for Nicole before continuing with Ali. Looong pause again…more awkwardness…more staring. I’m sure Nicole was thrilled to hear about his romantic adventures with this Ali person.

Nicole tells him that it makes her sick to think that she could be getting closer to someone other than her. She’s angry that he’s had this whole other life without her. Cue another long pause… then finally she slightly alters Jerry Maguire’s line and says, “I never thought someone could complete someone else but I really don’t feel complete without you.” Then they make out on the couch and the reunion is complete.

Frank tells Nicole that he has to go find Ali and break up with her. It’s going to take a lot of courage and strength and he’s scared. Nicole talks baby-talk to him and he is comforted. He’s also comforted by the free trip to Tahiti. Watch party member Male #2 sums up the whole conversation best by saying “That took a long time to not say very much.”

Taha’a
Ali is super excited to be on the island of Taha’a and is glad that she finally pronounced the island name right after hours of practice with the crew. She will now smugly correct anyone who mispronounces the name. But first she’s going to work on her swimming skills in her teeny tiny pink bikini. She jumps off the dock and swims around for a while and then steals a move from free willy as she flips her head dramatically back. Again collective eye-roll…

Rrroberto Perspires
Rrroberto unpacks in his room while wearing a light gray t-shirt that unfortunately displays his sweat quite clearly. He seems to be profusely sweating specifically in the arm pit and cleavage area. Well surely he’ll change his shirt before his date, right? Wrong – Ali knocks on the door and he happily embraces her in a sweaty hug.

They head out of the hut and around the corner to find a helicopter waiting for them (of course). They fly around the islands and Rrroberto’s sweating doesn’t seem to be getting any better. They look down and point out a lagoon in the shape of a heart. The watching party concludes it must be in the shape of an actual human heart and not the kind that you draw because it looks nothing like a typical drawn heart.

They land at the human heart lagoon and Ali reveals that she’s wearing a mismatched bikini for some reason. Is that in style? I can’t imagine it is so I’m forced to believe she got dressed in the dark. They frolic in the sand and water. Rrroberto picks Ali up and runs into the water with her but eventually just sets her down because as he quickly learns the water around the land is very shallow.

At dinner Ali has chosen to wear some sort of metallic Grecian number that seems to have quite a bit of fabric missing. Rrroberto is sweating in a long sleeve button down shirt and pants. Not the best packing job, Rrroberto. As they talk during dinner Rrroberto confesses his feelings for Ali but I am distracted by what was actually said because it’s very clear that Ali has applied glitter to her arms and chest.

The “forgo your individual room for the fantasy couple suite card” is presented and Rrroberto tries to act genuinely shocked at what the card is. He thinks they should accept the offer and (shocker) she does as well. They walk through shallow water to get to the fantasy suite/hut and the watching party questions how the camera crew will leave. It’s concluded there must be a small motor boat outside the hut in the water that the crew will eventually leave in. The camera fades to the water and with that we made it through forego card date #1.

Chris is Charming
Chris L. runs up to Ali on the boardwalk and the two hug. They head out on a boat for the day and talk about how great her visit with his family was or something like that – again I’m distracted but this time by the matching long shell necklaces they are both wearing. Ali tells Chris they’re going to a beach but the boat can’t dock there for some reason so they jump of the boat in dramatic fashion. Chris tries to swim/tread water as Ali hangs on him.

They make it to the beach and pick up oysters looking for pearls. They freak out upon finding the first one and skeptical me who’s watched maybe one too many of these seasons immediately thinks that the producers planted pearls in the oysters. Carrie at the watching party comes up with the brilliant idea that if Chris proposes he should put the ring in a oyster shell…genius!

Chris & Ali change for dinner and then walk out in shallow water to get to where the food is. Chris thinks it’s so cool they are walking through water to this hut; Ali’s over it since she just walked out there last night with Rrroberto. After dinner Ali tells Chris that she has a card for him from Chris Harrison. Chris L. says, “He’s not going to jump up in scuba gear and scare me?” To which I respond I wish!!

Chris and Ali decide to forgo their individual rooms for the fantasy couple suite (shocker) and the camera fades to the moon as they make out by the pool.

Sad Flower, Sad Girl
Frank walks down the boardwalk of Tahiti with his luggage in tow. The watching party notes he sure does have a lot of luggage to only be there for a few hours just to break up with Ali. It’s concluded that he must be flying to another island to meet the love of his life Nicole after he dumps this bachelorette chick. Or that Nicole is hiding in his room.

He has dreamed of coming to Tahiti for years, but not under these circumstances. He’s torn up about what he has to do so naturally he wants to talk to ABC’s resident counselor and friend next door, Our Host Chris Harrison. He opens the door to his hut to find Our Host smiling and ready to counsel one of this many pupils.

Frank tells Chris everything and Chris responds as though it is all brand new information to him. He tells Frank, “This is huge…how do you think she will react?” Frank questions the authenticity of Chris’ counseling degree since that is not a helpful question at all. Frank responds that he has “no idea” how Ali will react. I’m thinking he had to have at least a tiny notion of what her reaction would be. Counselor Chris continues his stellar pep talk and tells Frank that, “You're not a bad guy, but think about how you're leaving Ali. She's going to be in emotional turmoil over this heading into the most important week in her life.''

Frank decides he’s pepped up enough and tells Chris he’ll handle it from here. Ali bounces along in her off the shoulder 80’s style cover-up and tells us how happy she is to go sailing with Frank today. She knocks on the door and throws her arms around Frank as he stands there and tries not to throw-up. Male #2 at the watch party notes, “She’s not what you would call perceptive.”

Frank tells Ali, “We need to talk; I have to tell you something.” Strike 1 – the phrase no one wants to hear. They sit down as he begins talking about what a great connection they HAD and how he WAS so attracted to her from the beginning. Strike 2 – the use of past tense verbs. He continues by saying, “But (strike 3 the use of the word ‘but’) the whole time I’ve still had feelings for my ex-girlfriend.” And with that – 3 strikes, Ali’s out!

Ali looks confused and sad…she begins crying but is trying to hold it together. She remembers how pitiful her meltdown in the hall of the hotel was last season with Jake. She vowed not to have a “sit and sob” session this season. Frank continues on about how he had to go to Chicago to see Nicole and he realizes that he’s in love with Nicole, not Ali. Ali’s flower begins to wilt:

Then she rips the flower from her hair and throws it on the ground. Frank totally ruined her perfect Malibu Barbie outfit. They sit in silence and cry together. Then Ali moves from shock to anger as she tells Frank, “I gave up everything to be here! My job AND my apartment – everything!” Frank goes on the defensive and says, “So did I.” Ali swings at the perfect set up and responds with, “Apparently not everything.” Zing!

She throws her flip flops on the ground and then tells him she needs to process this so he can leave now. They hug goodbye and actually embrace for quite some time. She walks away from him onto the beach where she can resist no longer and finally sits down in the sand and sobs. Our host comes to the rescue and sits down next to Ali, reassuring her that this is going to be excellent TV.

Frank walks back down the boardwalk to the boat with his matching luggage set and reminds us yet again that he is in love with Nicole and it took coming on a reality tv show to realize it. He stands in the back of the boat as it leaves the place he always wanted to visit.

Everybody Gets a Rose!
Ali is wearing an unfortunate tie-dyed muumuu dress that can’t be helping her self-confidence at all as she looks at the 5x7 photos of Chris, Rrroberto and Frank. She picks Frank’s picture up and the watching party knows what’s next…after looking at the picture Ali then puts it back down on the shelf face-down. Chris Harrison comes in and they sit down for a deliberation counseling session.

Our Host asks her if she is upset because Frank left or because of how he left. She says it’s a little of both and that she now feels weak and unsure since they rug was totally pulled out from under her. Chris Harrison tells her he thinks it’s still important to have a rose ceremony because they still have about 10 minutes left to fill in this show that they insist on lasting 2 hours. She agrees because she still wants to make sure that Rrroberto and Chris will accept the roses.

Chris L. and Rrroberto ride up to the ceremony on separate boats. Chris Harrison tells them that Frank is not coming and he lets Ali explain why. Ali comes out in the still unfortunate muumuu and gives a vague description of why Frank left. “Frank had to take care of some things back home so he left to do that and I know he’s not for me. It is what it is.” She could have been a little more convincing on her happiness over the two remaining suitors instead of her sadness over the one that left but Rrroberto and Chris didn’t seem to care. She hands the first rose to Chris L. (wicked awesome!) and the second rose to Rrroberto (“Sweat-a-saurs Rex” as Amy P. at the watch party accurately nicknamed him)

Ali announces that they’ll be going to Bora Bora next where her family is waiting to meet them both and is already excited to be cashing in on this reality tv stuff with a free vacation!

Next week is the Men Tell All and I admit I’m excited about it – I think there’s great potential with tattoo Kasey, the weatherman, funny Craig, and crazy Craig all returning! Plus I’m sure there will be plenty of scenes for the upcoming Bachelor Pad show…can.not.wait! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog here and as always for more recap fun I highly encourage reading the hilarious ihategreenbeans.com. And finally this article on PopWatch debates whether Chris L. should be the next bachelor if Ali doesn’t pick him…I know some members of the watching party will be nominated as contestants if so!