Also before we begin I want to extend my great appreciation to the special guest blogger who took over for me while I was gone. I didn't have any doubt that she would provide detailed and hilarious recaps but I have to admit I was blown away at the time and energy she put into it! I'm sure everyone agrees that she went above and beyond the call- I feel very fortunate to have this guest blogger as my friend!
Okay on to the show...
The Bachelor: On the Wings of Jake, the Awkward Turtle
*Photo altered from http://www.russelldauterman.com/terry/index.html
*Photo altered from http://www.russelldauterman.com/terry/index.html At the start of the show we learn the RV road trip is over and this week's dates will take place in San Francisco. We learn all this not from our beloved Chris Harrison but instead from robot bachelor Jake. I immediately panic and question what happened to Chris Harrison while I was gone but am told by the watching party members that he was present last week so no one knows where he is. Don't these girls care? Aren't there worried? Do they not have hearts? Alas all they care about is themselves. It's like they think they are the stars of this show or something. Everyone knows Chris Harrison is the real star of the show.
Jake explains there are 3 one-on-one dates this week and 1 two-on-one date and then leaves the first date card with 10ley. Stick with the pilot gig Jake - you definitely do not have a future in hosting reality TV programs.
10ley reads the date card that *shockingly* says she gets the first one-on-one. She is extremely excited and can't believe it's finally her turn for a one-on-one date. Then a panic attack sets in because she realizes it's her turn for a one-on-one date. I can't help but think in her mind she was singing 'I'm so excited, I'm so excited....I'm so...scared!' Will she be able to maintain her bubbly composure through the entire date?? She leaves to get ready in an outfit that enchanted birds and mice have sewn together for her.
One-on-One Date, 10ley
"Let's Get on Track"...aka "Let's Make the Viewers Nauseous from Cheesy Talk"
Jake tells us 10ley is so positive all the time...like ALL the time. He wants to find out if his theory is correct. He believes that there's a chance 10ley is actually an animated fairy tale princess that was pushed down a man hole by the evil queen and then turned human when she showed up in California at this house with all these other women who think they are princesses but really are just princess wannabes. I think he may be on to something...
Jake and 10ley take the trolley around San Francisco and end up in Chinatown which is like China...but not. They get to see how fortune cookies are made which if I'm being honest was maybe one of the most exciting things I've seen on this show. I admit I was enthralled. They make up their own fortunes to put inside which we'll get to later. Then they go outside and listen to a musician play a sledgehammer to the tune of what appears to be the beginning of the Titanic song. Trust me, I would know this.
Meanwhile back at the hotel--motel--Holiday Inn, the ladies hear a knock on the door and screaming ensues. It's another date card which Corrie reads aloud, "Ali and Vienna...come be the queens in my castle." Nice job ABC producers - way to manufacture the drama for this less than exciting season! The camera pans between the enemies who both look like they've just been told they won runner up for prom queen. Ali loses her filter and says out loud in a normal voice that everyone in the room can hear, "I feel sick right now." Corrie senses this joke isn't going over as well as her stand-up routine did and decides to pull the plug - through nervous laughter she announces "You guys - I'm kiiiiddding!!!" She secretly hopes Jon Lovitz was watching so she can get another spot at his comedy club. I secretly hope she's kidding about kidding and that the producers put the frenemies on the date together. Corrie tells us Gia and Vienna are the actual ladies on the date. Vienna still looks like she wants to punch Ali and Ali can't figure out why because she doesn't realize what she said out loud when she blacked out from anger. She tells Vienna it's not personal and when Vienna confronts her about what she said after the last most dramatic rose ceremony Ali continues to make some hilarious attempts at turning the situation back on Vienna.
Ali: "How do you know I was talking about you?"
Vienna: "I heard you - you are not a low talker and I was standing right beside you like the producer told me to and you said if I'm the girl for him then you're not."
Ali: "You misunderstood, I said if the color Sienna is for him, I'm not for him. I look terrible in Sienna, yellow is clearly my color - have you seen how many yellow dresses I've worn. I can see how you thought I said Vienna because Sienna rhymes with Vienna. But I didn't...I said Sienna...and I'm sticking to it."
Back to the one-on-one date, Jake still has not decided if 10ley is an actual person or a fictional animated princess so he decides to continue the date at the top of a tower...much like an animated princess would dine. Unfortunately this is also the point where Jake chose to wear a black turtleneck. The watching party (myself included) was very confused with this outfit choice. CC thinks he either accidentally took a stagehand's outfit or forgot his white paint for his face to complete his mime outfit. I am thinking he thought this date would be in a dimly lit coffee shop where he would be asked to read poetry. As the episode went on and it became clear that this week's theme is 'awkward situations' I then understood he wore the turtleneck as a symbol of himself being the awkward turtle. This show is so deep.
Cheesiness continues at the dinner table, Jake asks what 10ley would have done differently in her marriage and she basically says she would have spent more time with her husband instead of cooking or working. Jake asks where that answer came from and she answers, "From the heart." I begin to wish someone would bring him white paint so that we could just see them silently mime to each other for the rest of dinner. No words needed.
10ly asks about "pilots and unfaithfulness" and Jake responds that "cheating is a choice and his wife will be the last woman he looks at." Then they open their personalized fortune cookies which both said "Kiss me." Wow - very original couple here!! Jake says great minds think alike...I say boring minds also think alike. Emily at the watching party says they are so MFEO. (made for each other). I learn a new acronym to start using. And once 10ley doesn't turn into an animated princess when Jake (prince charming) kisses her, his fears are put to rest and he believes she actually is a real person. I'm still not so sure.
Two-on-One Date, Vienna & Gia
"Be Queens of My Castle" aka "Be Queens of Awkward"
Back at the hotel--motel--Holiday Inn there is a knock on the door again, screaming again - you know the drill. The ladies open the door to see a huge chest that they all have to work together to carry into the room. Team building exercises are always a good way to unite frenemies. Once inside they open the chest to find...lots of clothes! Vienna thinks it is soooooo sweet that Jake did this for her - it really means a lot to her that he would buy her clothes because that is her love language. I'm not sure how she hasn't yet caught on that this a TV show in which ABC pays for and plans everything. Has she seen Jake pull out his wallet once?
Jake is noticeably more excited to see Gia when he greets the ladies at the top of the stairs to his castle. He gives her a "There she is!" and then gives Vienna a "Hey you're here too". Jake holds both of their hands as they walk around in the castle. Awkward. They sit on the floor and begin to eat dinner. Vienna tells Jake he had her "shaking in her pants" at the last rose ceremony. Then tells him the turmoil she's been going through in the house because Ali is mean. She produces tears as Gia looks on in shock at the Meryl Streep performance she is sitting across from. Jake buys the routine and tells her he chose her confidentially. Then he says he's going to have some alone time with Gia. Awkward.
Deep in the wine vault Gia tells Jake she thought the draping her legs over him thing was their special thing. Clearly Gia has not ever seen The Bachelor/Bachelorette because there's pretty much always leg draping when there is one-on-one alone time. He assures her that she has other special things that are just between them. Then Gia asks if it's okay to fall and Jake says it's okay to fall but don't blame me if you get hurt because I'm the nice guy.
Meanwhile Vienna has reached the 30 minute time limit of being anywhere by herself and decides she must set out to find Jake. Fortunately there is an old lantern nearby that she can use for light in this dark and spooky castle. Unfortunately Vienna isn't the brightest crayon in the box if you know what I mean and has trouble following the smacking sounds and making her way down a lit hallway by herself. So she shouts out Jake's name several times and practices making her best "I'm afraid please rescue me face" for when she does find him. She makes it down the hallway and breaks up the one-on-one to get her own one-on-one.
Jake asks Vienna what married life with her would be like and she answers "miserable!". Oh wait, no sorry - that was what Emily at the watching party answered. Vienna answers something about being 6 or 16 year-olds and kissing every morning and never being sad...you know - real life stuff.
It's time to go to sleep in the castle and Jake bids the ladies good night. He gives Gia a noticeably longer hug before leaving...interesting. Once in his man cave he takes his shirt off and spreads out the bear skin blanket to assure us that he is manly. Vienna decides she hasn't been annoying enough and tells Gia she's going to find him. Awkward. She gets some wine (after all she can't show up empty handed -that would be embarrassing!) and then enters his room and plops down on the bed. They have a toast and drink and then Jake tells her it wouldn't be fair to Gia for her to stay up in his room. Vienna leaves feeling unsure if stalking him was the best decision. Jake tells the camera that Vienna is "sexy as hell" and assures us that he had "dirty thoughts". Ugh...something about him saying that just doesn't sound right. TMI Jake, TMI.
One-on-One Date, Corrie
"Fun in the Park" or "It's Fun to Tell America About your Chastity"
Corrie chose to wear stilettos for her walk in the park...fashion before practicality I guess. She slowly walks across the field in the park because she can't walk much faster in these 4" heels and Jake runs to greet her since it's in the Bachelor contract that you must run to greet a contestant when you greet each other in a large field. They walk to a very small rowboat and Jake tells Corrie to jump in the back while he does the rowing with his large muscles that deceivingly make him look athletic.
It's here we come to the most awkward moment of this episode and quite possibly the most awkward moment of the season. Oh wait - no, Channy with the dirty Cambodian talk still holds that title. Come to think of it maybe she should get a spot at Jon Lovitz's comedy club. Anyway, back to the boat - Corrie tells us that she likes a guy to lean in 90% and she'll meet him the remaining 10% for the kiss. Jake tells us that he likes to lean in 80% and wants the girl to go the remaining 20% for the kiss. You can see we have a mathematical problem here that will result in an awkward 10% space remaining between the two lovebirds in the boat. And awkward it was - you could hear the crickets chirping as they just sat there staring at each other; their faces 10% apart. Then Jake did what he does when kissing is not an option to relieve awkwardness - he said, "I'm hungry - let's get dinner". And with that he rowed them to shore.
Corrie changed into some flats for the walk around the Science Place or Discovery Place or wherever they were. She tells him she feels like there is a cloud over them. He says he's not sure why things are moving slower with her and asks her if she would move to Dallas if they got engaged. She says yes but that she would have her own apartment. He asks if she is saving herself for marriage and she affirms that she is. Then he gives a megawatt smile that I can't really read...not sure if that was an awkward smile or a genuine smile. He tells her that that is not an issue for him at all. Then they finally kiss because Jake wants to move on from this awkward situation.
One-on-One Date, Ali
"Show Me Your City" aka "Show Me Some PDA"
Ali is super excited to show Jake around San Francisco. It's her city - she knows it the best and she loves it the most - don't question her loyalty. First stop is to look at some flowers. Jake asks her what her favorite flower is and she says "Daisies...wait no - you! You're my favorite flower!" Jake silently curses that all his efforts to look manly are now void with that one comment. Next stop is at a coffee shop where Jake uses this time to be funny. He gives himself a milk mustache and then turns to say, "So can I ask you a very serious question?" Ali forces a laugh and then decides it's time to leave the coffee shop. The third stop is to the beach where as they walk along Ali tells Jake,"I'm taking this very seriously." To which Jake replies, "That's really sweet...whoa look at the bird eating a crab!"
After the beach they go to a field and play soccer and then lay out a blanket for a picnic. Ali then straddles Jake's back and gives him a back massage. I'm wondering if they remember they are in a public park with other people around. Then Jake turns over on his back and Ali gives him a frontal massage. Weird. Jake pulls her down to his chest so she will stop and then they make out on top of each other...in a public place. Emily at the watching party notes that Ali was really "putting the girls out there" and I silently pray Jake will not tell us about his thoughts again. Aimee at the watching party shares her observation that "Ali is like a forbidden fruit and he knows it." Ali tells him again how happy she is to have him in her city and Julie at the watching party says she's trying to hard - Okay, we get it - it's YOUR city Ali! No one else lives there! You own SF! Can you tell the watching party was ready to move on from the PDA in the park?
Finally Jake confronts Ali about the catty comments after the last rose ceremony. She says some words that don't really form a complete or coherent sentence and finally gets it out that she wants him to be happy so whoever he chooses is okay with her (lie). She's gonna let the whole Vienna thing go now (lie). Jake says great and is happy with himself for being such a talented mediator - add that to the resume! Then he asks if she wants to jump in the water to which she says "I will if you do". They run to the ocean and jump in - fully clothed with shoes and everything. Ali's beautiful boots are ruined!! I don't understand why she didn't slip them off before entering the water. I really think it says a lot about her character that she would ruin a perfectly good pair of boots for no reason. I hope Jake takes that into consideration.
The Handing out of Roses
Rose ceremony time and whoa - what is going on with Vienna's hair?? Did she borrow a British judge's wig?? I firmly believe this was the inspiration for her hairstyle for the night:
To each her own I guess...Again Chris Harrison is MIA and so Jake enters the cocktail party unannounced and then announces he is falling for all 5 ladies. All 5 ladies then begin to panic. 10ley gets the first alone time and tells Jake she is worried but also she can't wait to see him dance. He says wait no further animated princess! Then they do some sort of rigid fox trot number to no music. Clearly they need dancing lessons from watch party participant Aimee (aka the dancing queen).
Next up for alone time is Corrie who says she doesn't want to be stereotyped as a virgin. Jake says it's not about sex appeal, it's about heart appeal...that's why I went on this show- to find a wife, not because I get to date 25 women and eventually have overnight dates with 3 of them. Heart appeal - yeah, that's it.
Gia is the next chosen one for alone time and she tells him he passed the test by not sleeping with Vienna while she was in another room in the castle. Hey Gia - maybe we need to have higher standards for our tests, okay? Then they make out.
And finally because he knows she will reject him if he doesn't ask her for alone time with her last, Vienna gets the last alone time. (Ali doesn't get alone time since they spent the whole day together...and also because she ruined her boots). Vienna tells Jake, "Order in the court!" Oh wait - no she doesn't say that I just thought she said that because of the British judge wig atop her head. Instead she apologizes for stalking him in the castle and he says it's okay. Then to show her he secretly did want to make out with her all night in the castle he shows her his room in the hotel--motel--Holiday Inn. Vienna feels like the princess her dad tells her she is because she got this special treat. I'm not sure Jake knows he's feeding the monster here...
Rejoice - Chris Harrison finally makes an appearance! He does the signature clink of the champagne flute and tells Jake it's time to deliberate. In the deliberation room they go through each of the ladies and honestly I think I may have dozed off because I didn't write anything down. I'm sure that Chris Harrison asked thoughtful questions and Jake gave cheesy answers - that's usually how it goes, right? The deliberation ends with Jake saying, "Tonight I have to break up with someone I don't want to break up with." I'm pretty sure the end of that sentence was Jake saying, "Right - Chris, you're saying I HAVE to break up with someone? There's no way I can get that rose back that I dramatically burned in the fire last week, right?" Chris Harrison lays down the law and tells him to quit being a flower and instead be a man and break up with someone.
Jake enters the rose ceremony with a forced disgruntled look and tells the ladies something about how he likes them all and would continue to date them all if Chris Harrison would let him. Then he hands out the roses to:
10ley: Does this mean we get to see the enchanted hometown where she came from?
Ali: More PDA ahead
Gia: More making out ahead
and.....
Vienna!: What??? Even with that hairstyle??
Groaning and eye rolling over the choice of Vienna commences at the watching party. No one really understands what he is seeing in this chick. Jake walks Corrie out to the rejection limo and I'm pretty sure they didn't say anything to each other. Once in the limo Corrie has a few drinks and tells us that she doesn't do good dating a guy who's dating four other girls. Congratulations Corrie - that means you're normal!! Someone who shall remain nameless at the watching party says something like "Virgins everywhere rally together!"
Scenes for next week reveal that there is yet another huge bombshell ahead! Chris Harrison says there will be no rose ceremony next week...whaaaaaat?? How can there be a Bachelor episode with no rose ceremony? That's like a hot dog with no mustard - am I right Jillian? Does this mean Jake gets to keep dating 4 women? What will take the place of the ceremony as the most dramatic part of the episode?? Here's hoping the drama continues with the return of... crazy Michelle!!
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