The Story of "Two Ladies and a Tramp"

The title of this post is courtesy of Farrell at the watching party...I'm sure you can figure out which lady we consider to be the tramp.

So here we are in St. Lucia - yep, we're all here...except apparently for Chris Harrison because again we begin the show with Jake walking around his hotel room telling us he never expected this journey to be so powerful. As he talks about why he loves each woman we are treated to a memory clip montage of the "journey" he's been on with each of the lucky ladies. It's here I remember that since we're down to 3 contestants, the clips of previous footage will increase significantly. Great.

Gia has the first clip montage and Jake tells us that when he first saw Gia he thought "what a beautiful girl." Carrie at the watching party shares that when she first saw Gia she thought, "what is wrong with her face?" When she wears red lipstick references to the joker have been made...that's all I'm saying. 10ley's montage is next and Amy P. & Carrie take this time to ponder what life as a couple would be like for Jake and 10ley. They conclude a typical conversation would be: 'I love you...no, I love you more......dance off time!' Vienna had a clip montage too but all I remember is that I didn't like the dress she wore out of the limo - major foreshadowing for the number she picked for the rose ceremony.

Then we see Ali in what appears to be a hotel room but we are told that it's actually her room. Oh look on her nightstand she has several 8x10 photos of Jake holding roses that she clearly had printed from the ABC website...because that's normal. She tells us she is distraught over her choice of work over love and ironically she can't even work because all she thinks about is love. I'm guessing she also can't work because she's in an undisclosed hotel room instead of her home in San Francisco.

Jake picks up some rocks out of the ocean and then throws them back into the ocean as he ponders this difficult decision. I notice a hammock in the background tied up over the water and immediately know that we'll see this hammock again.

Gia Learns the Hard Way That Jake Has No Rhythm
We see Gia making her way down a rocky path while wearing flip flops and jorts. Jake is of course strategically placed - looking over the ocean with his back toward her. She takes this opportunity to sneak up on him and wraps her arms around him. Jake turns around, relieved that it's Gia and not the cameraman. Then he asks her if she likes boats -- strike one buddy! Don't you remember Gia's boat tour of NYC for you? Clearly not. Gia tells him again that she likes boats and away they go on a boat to some other part of the island.

Jake tells us he's excited that it's, "Just Gia and I and a boat and some great people on this island." Of course he tells us this while wearing an extremely unfortunate shell choker necklace. I would love to meet the ABC stylist who told him this was a good idea. Once on the island the happy couple buy some fruit and random chotchkies. Then they listen to some street performers play music and Gia decides to start dancing. Jake feels like the choker necklace plan to fit in with the locals isn't working so he tries to get in on the dancing too and I apologize but what happened next is impossible for me to describe with words. There was bending of the knees and some sort of hip jarring and bouncing movement involved. Carrie at the watching party had the best reenactment so you should ask her to show you next time you see her. It's a good thing 10ley didn't see this attempt at dancing because I'm pretty sure her lyrical dancing heart would have been broken.

After I recovered from the fit of laughing, Jake and Gia had wisely moved on from dancing and were at another vendor to buy another chotchkie. This time it was an ugly heart necklace that Jake bought for Gia; Gia is flattered that he "gave her his heart" but knows that ugly thing is not going around her neck so she tells him she'll wear it on her wrist for the rest of her life. I see great potential for a future dramatic "ripping off of the necklace turned bracelet" in the rejection limo...

Jake tells us he's ready to make a leap of faith in this relationship as we see Jake and Gia making a leap of faith off the dock into the water. Classic. Then they make out in the water and make things awkward for the viewing audience.

Time for dinner on the island and as Gia walks down a trillion stairs Jake waves up at her so that she knows where he is. When they greet each other she shows off the ugly heart necklace turned bracelet and affirms again that she will never take it off. Over dinner Jake tells Gia he wants to take care of her and Gia's response is something like "Whoa - when did you go and get all deep? I didn't know you had this side to you."

After dinner you know what's next - hammock time!! They're rocking in the hammock when Gia steals a line from Debbie Gibson and tells Jake she gets lost in his eyes. Jake then decides this is the perfect time to break out the "forego your individual room" card and hands it to Gia. She reads it aloud and they race up to the fantasy suite. Then we see the obligatory trail of clothes leading into the bathroom and are forced to watch Jake - STILL WEARING THE SHELL CHOKER NECKLACE - and Gia make out in a bubble bath. Aimee at the watching party appropriately hopes that Gia will rip the necklace off in an act of passion. The camera fades to black and thankfully this date is over.

10ley Learns that Jake Can Lead at Dances That Involve Four Steps
10ley gets out of a SUV in the middle of a field where Jake is surrounded by helicopters. She is super excited to see him and is also wearing some super short jorts. Jake tells her they're going on a helicopter ride so that he can show her his passion since he was forced - I mean privileged to see her passion last week through the lyrical dance of her heart (also known as the most painfully awkward moment ever). Amazingly 10ley acts surprised that they are going on a helicopter ride...I'm not sure how the numerous helicopters in the field didn't give that away for her but whatever.

As they ride over St. Lucia Jake makes up stuff about the island to impress her with his knowledge. They land in a rain forest and have a picnic on some dirt. 10ley asks Jake how he will pursue her once this fantasy world is over and he responds with this gem, "Say it's Saturday night and we're at dinner and we decide let's go to the Caymans tomorrow - we can do that - I can make that happen." So basically he's saying the fantasy exotic location dates are his real life...uh huh.

They decide to go exploring after the picnic and find a black sand beach. Of course since where there's a beach there's water, they decide to go swimming and make out in the ocean. Farrell at the watch party asks, "Is this what they meant by exploring?"

Time for dinner on the island! Jake tells 10ley she looks gorgeous and she says she feels so special. Yes 10ley you're special...kind of like a 1 in 3 special. 10ley tells Jake she's falling for him and he has no words to respond so he of course answers with a kiss. After dinner Jake asks 10ley to dance which you know she LOVED. She starts making all sorts of dancing analogies, "You can lead me in dancing...I want you to lead me in life...you can dip me forever." The dip me forever received quite the laugh from the married ladies at the watching party - I'm not sure what that means...

After the dance party Jake hands 10ley the forego card and any hesitations she had melted away while they were dancing so she accepts. But not before reminding us 437 times that she normally doesn't do this. They head to the fantasy suite and look around for a few minutes but then waste no time jumping in their private pool. As the passionate music is cued they begin to makeout again and again the viewing audience is forced to watch the awkwardness until the camera fades out.

Vienna Learns the Hard Way That Jake Finds Eye Patches Puzzling
Eye rolling and grumbling lets out at the watching party which can only mean one thing - time for Vienna to make her appearance! Vienna is wearing a turquoise bathing suit and non-matching magenta cover up - off the shoulder of course, totally 80s style. For having only lived through 3 years of the 80s she sure does love the style. Jake tells her they get to play on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ship for their date and unfortunately for us we learn that Jake's idea of playing is making out.

The two waste no time as they sit on the boat - Vienna actually tries to lick his nose when going in for a kiss and then after he kisses her he licks the side of her mouth. I had to avert my eyes to make sure my dinner stayed down. When I looked back they were still making out on the boat. Then Vienna decides to make Jake wear an eye patch - pirate style. As she puts it over his left eye he squints and closes his right eye. Yes - he now has both eyes closed...and doesn't understand that that's not what you're supposed to do. Vienna tells him to close his other eye and then he laughs and opens his right eye... and then I laughed at him for the rest of the show. I also felt it necessary to write an open letter to Jake just to cover this issue in case he ever encounters a situation where it's necessary to wear an eye patch again.

An Open Letter to Jake Pavelka:

Dear Jake,

I googled "Eye Patch" today and this image of a child wearing an eye patch came up in the results: I just thought you would appreciate knowing that this small child understood that the eye not covered by the patch should remain open. I'll cut you some slack though - maybe his parents had to help him as Vienna had to help you. In the future if you are faced with the tricky task of wearing an eye patch I hope that you'll be able to visualize this cute small child and remember to keep the uncovered eye open so that you can see.

All the best,
Rebecca

P.S. Seriously why are you keeping Vienna around?

After the eye patch incident Jake decides he wants that adrenaline feeling of bungee jumping again so he suggests they climb to the top of the boat - you know because he's afraid of heights. They make it to the top and Jake kisses her while holding a death grip on the pole. As if we haven't had enough of watching them "play" once back on the bottom of the boat he tells Vienna she has to walk the plank. As she walks toward the plank he slaps her rear with a plastic sword knife. Classy Jake...I'm pretty sure 13 year-old boys still try that move too. Then he pushes her off the plank and jumps in after her.

As Jake waits for Vienna at dinner he tells us that he needs to use this time to make sure that there is substance there and that he's attracted to her heart, not just her.... He asks her if she's ready for marriage and she says yes so of course it must be true. Once Jake has that all cleared up he asks her what kind of ring she would like. A little forward! Especially since we didn't see him ask any of the other ladies this question. In an effort to keep her guessing though he then says something about how he is falling for all 3 women left. Vienna then throws all her cards on the table with with the parrot tablecloth (really ABC?) and confesses her love for him along with some tears so that he knows she's for real. Jake responds with the usual kiss instead of words and tells us, "Vienna has made my heart glow."...well crap, there goes my dinner.

Jake hands Vienna the forego card and they race to the room almost before she even finishes reading it. Once in the room Vienna tells Jake that she has a surprise for him and then goes into the other room. The watching party is certain that she'll re-enter wearing lingerie so when she does come back into the room in a tiny white gown it's a little anticlimactic. We see the couple head to the bedroom and then Vienna closes the doors as the camera fades to the moonlight.

Twist!...or Not.
Jake is putting some Oil of Olay product on his face when the phone rings in his hotel room. He answers the phone with his best "bewildered- who could this be?" face and then to no one's surprise we hear Ali's voice on the other end. We see the shot of her in her hotel room - I mean home - and Amy P. notices that she looks a little on the constipated side as she tells Jake that she made a mistake and wants to come back.

Jake tells her he's trying to "process this in his head" and gives a worried look as he holds the phone away from his face - maybe because he needs to let the Oil of Olay dry? We shoot back to Ali who makes those terrible moaning sounds we heard too much of last week. She says she can't focus on work...yada, yada, yada...he says he was forced to move on when she left...yada, yada, yada...she says this is the biggest regret of her life...yada, yada, yada...he finally says "Thanks Ali but I can't let you come back, I've moved on with the other women." Ali moans again and then says, "I will forever regret this decision," to which the watching party responded, "No you will not!". After they hang up we see the disheveled Ali sobbing and telling us through tears how sad she is. Cheer up girl - you get to meet Ellen tomorrow - that is way more exciting than dating Jake!!

To Button or Not to Button?
With the phone call of drama behind him Jake is ready to make the most important decision yet...to button or unbutton the top button on his shirt? He tries both looks and goes for the unbutton and then confidently walks into the deliberation room with our host Chris Harrison. Chris says, "On top of everything else you had going on this week you also had to deal with Ali calling (because we made her) - what was that like?" Jake responds with something about how he needs Chris' opinion on this top button dilemma and Chris rolls his eyes and cues the memory montage clips.

We see Jake thinking about his dates with all the women and I decide that ABC is forgiven of any offenses in my book because they used Jake's horrible dancing with Gia and his misunderstanding of how an eye patch works with Vienna as memory clips. After the deliberation and memory clip montages Chris Harrison says (with a straight face), "The ladies have each prepared a private video message for you from the heart."

In 10ley's video she tells him that she is glad to know she can fall in love again and then drops the baby card on him and says she's ready to have his kids. As her video is playing we see her exiting the arrival limo and I am liking the look she picked for the St. Lucia Rose Ceremony - a short black dress with a yellow flower in her hair.

The watching party decided that Gia is either drunk or really has to go to the bathroom in her video because she delivers her message while sort of curled up in a ball. As we see Gia exiting the arrival limo in a short blue sparkly number CC says, "Forever 21 called - they want their dress back!" Harsh, but true...

Vienna opens her video message with an energetic, "Hey Sweetheart!!" I have no idea what the rest of her video message said because the watching party went into a fit when she stepped out of the arrival limo. I think the consensus was that her dress looked like a cross between a tacky bridesmaid and high school prom dress. Although my sister texted with the ever appropriate, "Hey Vienna, the 80's called and they want their magenta dress with the rhinestone bow back". I think you get the idea...

Rose Ceremony
Jake walks out to the rose podium and tells the ladies, "I'd be the luckiest guy in the world to marry any one of you three." Whaaaat? Is that a compliment? Do you think these women really want to be one of three that would be acceptable to you Jake? I'm thinking Chris Harrison needs to work with our friend Jake on his compliments. After much pause for dramatic effect Jake hands the roses to....10ley....and then....more dramatic pause...Vienna. Gia takes a moment and says her good-byes per Chris Harrison's instruction and then walks out to the rejection bench with Jake.

Jake gives her some lines about how great she is and how she shouldn't settle and I'm watching with much anticipation - this is what I've been waiting for, surely she's going to rip that ugly heart necklace turned bracelet off her wrist and throw it into the ocean for dramatic effect! Alas Gia does not and actually holds it together really well - she delivers a classy rejection acceptance speech about how she wants Jake to be happy. Once in the rejection limo she does let a few more tears flow but sadly my hopes for a symbolic shedding of the ugly heart are not realized.

Jake toasts the final 2 and tells them they're heading to the southern part of the island for the final date. Scenes for next week reveal it's Women Tell All time! Look - there's crazy Michelle! Oooh - and Roz is here too! Channy - are you there? I don't see you but I hope you do make an appearance! It should be a fun time to get the gals back together. Then in just 2 weeks it's time for the most dramatic final rose ceremony ever complete with Jake crying over a railing again....of course.

Be sure to read all the other blogs for endless entertainment - Chris Harrison's, Pop Watch, I Hate Green Beans, and our fearless leader (unless heights are involved) Jake's.