Answer: A very anticlimactic Women Tell All episode that leaves you with the facial expression shown by Jake above. This year it should have more accurately been renamed "Women Tell Things You Already Know."As far as I'm concerned the best thing about the Women Tell All (WTA) episodes in general is that Chris Harrison is center stage. This was especially true this year since that meant Jake was only on for a few minutes at the end. It's taken me all season to wholly decide this but I have unequivocally reached the conclusion that Jake is one of my least favorite bachelors. The cheese factor is over-the-top and what he wants to appear as (the good guy) is not really who he is (the guy who uses something other than his brain to make decisions).
Let the Clip Montages Begin
So we start with Our Host Chris Harrison stepping out on stage with a "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" logo on the screen behind him. Below the logo is an image of a motorcycle in the sunset...they're clearly not ready to give up on this Top Gun theme. Chris reminds us (just in case we forgot) of the biggest scandal ever in bachelor history and maybe even the biggest in reality TV history and actually likely the biggest scandal ever in the history of the world - Roz "cheating" on Jake with an unnamed producer.
Chris tells us that he got to sit down with Jake and talk about all the crazy events of this season. But first, we get to relive the scandal with a memory clip montage of how it all went down. Chris confronts Roz and then Jake & Chris tell the ladies Roz is out and then the ladies all start crying (still not sure why). After the flashback Jake tells Chris his first thought after the scandal was that "going on a reality TV show to find love was a mistake." I'm thinking he changed his mind on that stance after making out with multiple women.
Chris asks Jake about the "ultimate game player" Megan Fox, I mean Elizabeth the Nanny and Jake tells us, "I've had games ruin more relationships than I can count". Yet you went on a reality TV show with essentially the same framework as any other competitive reality TV show except for instead of winning challenges the "ladies" competing win roses. Yea...no games here.
We get more flashbacks of the infamous bungee jump with Vienna and the fortune cookie dinner with 10ley and of course the wailing over Ali's departure. Chris asks Jake what it's going to be like to see Ali again and Jake says it will be difficult...the stage is set for the dramatic reunion!
Bonded by The Bachelor
Once we're back to the WTA stage Chris tells us that nearly 500 men and women have been a part of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Yes - nearly FIVE HUNDRED....we had to rewind at the watching party to make sure we heard that correctly. As Amy P. then said, "That's nearly 500 lives ruined." In an attempt to plug the Bachelor spinoff show (who knew a spinoff of this thing was even possible?), we get to see mini reunions of these former members of the franchise.
The first clips are of one group of Bachelor alumni in Vegas and another group on a cruise - in both locations they're essentially all just making out with each other and talking about how good-looking they all are. I was reminded of Zoolander. Deziray is there from The Prince's season - I didn't watch that season but hearing her speak about judging people while wearing a tiara made me sad that I missed it. I can only imagine the one-liners that this girl provided. Bear-lover Natalie was there and I was so happy they played that clip again of her telling Jason something else important that he should know about her is she loves bears. Classic. Then of course "America's Favorite Villain" Wes was there and said something about how his dating life was great before but now he gets "like 1,000 more nibbles." Classy nibbles I'm sure. Kiptyn and his abs are there and watching party member Emily reminds us that she saw him! He was with a "leggy blonde" when she had the star spot so it's possible it was with Natalie or some other former member of the franchise.
Then we see another group of prestigious alumni members who are taking part in the "Bachelor Gives Back" charity event- clearly a total rip off of American Idol Gives Back but whatever. Amy P. had my favorite line of the night when she said, "What are they giving to people - std's?" We see kids getting off a bus and it's clear these kids had a major let down moment when they learned the "celebrities" they would get to meet were former contestants on the Bachelor. The highlight of the segment was seeing breakdancer Michael again - oh and also when Juan told us that "giving back to the community is definitely man code." Where is angry David by the way? And Ed and Jillian? And Reid!?!? I think there were some oversights in the choosing of alumni. Deanna was there and was trying to recruit some poor child to be on The Bachelor season 42 but he was not convinced although ABC did make him give her a rose at the end of the segment.
Let's Finally Hear All!
Back again on the stage of the WTA - we're now 45 minutes into this show that is supposed to be the "ladies" chance to tell all yet we've only seen them in memory clip montages so far. Finally however, Chris tells us it's time to "welcome the ladies" and he goes through the cast of characters there. From memory I think it was Kathryn, Valishia, Ashleigh H., Corrie, Jessie, Christina, Channy (!), Gia, Ali, Ella, and Crazy Michelle. I'm sure I missed some of the women who were there but that probably means they didn't speak. I'm super glad Valishia is there because I still want to get to the bottom of this unmarried homemaker job she's got going on.
Ashleigh H. clears up what's been causing all of us to lose sleep - her fall into Jake's arms out of the limo was rehearsed. Jessie says something about how she was nervous and Emily at the watch party says that's the first time we've heard her speak. Then we get to see some never before seen clips from the fun that the ladies had in the house. This was definitely one of the best clips of the night because we got to hear some of the ladies well-said thoughts on 10ley. Jessie thinks she "fell out of a Disney movie" (totally agree girl!), Vienna thinks she "dreams in cartoons", and Gia with the line of the night says she thinks "10ley probably s*&$@ rainbows." Classic.
Chris asks why everyone had beef with Vienna and Ella says she is young and immature. Gia sticks up for Vienna and says she's a good person. I'm distracted by the wedding ring that Chris Harrison is wearing - is that bling? Then Chris asks Elizabeth about her kiss me-kiss me not game and Farrell notices that Elizabeth kind of looks like Miley Cyrus now. I can sort of see it...
Elizabeth says watching it back she thought it looked "stupid" and Chris tells her "Yeah, you're never as cool as you think you are." Buuurrrrn! Then we finally get to the "10,000 pound elephant in the room" - the Roz scandal. Gia says "as her roommate something definitely went on because there was a night she was not in the room". Jessie decides to really live up to the title of this show and tells us all. She says she walked in from the pool one day and turned the corner to see the unnamed producer and Roz making out on the stairs. Now we all know why Jessie was kept around as long as she was even though we saw no more than one conversation between Jake and her. Ella reminds us that she's the Southern belle and says, "We were all fixin' to go to bed one night..." and then continues with some story that I still don't understand about how Roz wanted the unnamed producer to tuck her in. She lost me at fixin' to. Chris says Roz is here but we all know that means she won't make an appearance until the end of the show.Hot Seat Rounds
Chris calls Gia up to talk with him and a pink walking disco ball then gets up and makes her way to the dreaded hot seat. We see the montage clip and Emily at the watching party gives Gia a "Bless her heart" because it's clear that Gia really fell for this guy for some reason. Gia tells Chris that, "Being on the Bachelor was the best experience of my life." I tell Gia she needs to reevaluate her life.
Next contestant on the hot seat of shame is Crazy Michelle. We see the clip montage of all her crazy moments and then surprisingly Michelle answers Chris' questions in a way that I do not think is crazy. In fact she is even credited with saying the most truthful statement of the night when she tells Chris, "Coming on this show is not the true way to find love." Ali (the likely future bachelorette) defends the show and is offended that Crazy Michelle is basically saying you can't fall in love on the show because she did. And then she left it for work - remember that America, don't you feel sorry for Ali - don't you want her to be the next Bachelorette? She thought so...
Speaking of the next Bachelorette, Ali takes the hot seat next and has chosen to wear a brown dress instead of her signature yellow. During the clip montage we see the time during her hometown date when she told Jake, "If you ask me to marry you today I would say yes." To which Emily at the watching party responded, "But if you ask me tomorrow I'm gonna say I have to go to work." Chris asks Ali about any regrets she may have and she tells us that she thought Jake would come after her because you know he's a pilot and he rides a motorcycle and that's what happened in Top Gun and isn't that what ABC was going for? But she took the risk because she once read a hallmark card that said "Life is measured by the risks we take," and she really believes that. It's deep. Also she wants America to know that she is very sorry that she came across as a B when speaking to Vienna - she publicly apologizes to Vienna and encourages her to stay strong even though she's getting trashed in the tabloids. I was expecting her to then say LYLAS but Chris Harrison cut her off to say she had many fans and that was all she came here to do so she finished talking.
Scandal of Scandals
Time for the 10,000 pound elephant to enter. We see Roz being escorted by a burly man backstage. She waits behind the curtain and says aloud "I should have peed first." Has she not learned there are cameras everywhere yet? Chris welcomes her out and assures her he has "no ill will toward her" but just wants to find out "what is true in her mind". He asks her to go through the process of how she met this unnamed producer and the type of contact they had, just so we're clear "in her mind". Roz says the camera crew came to her house to do the interviews with her and she became friends with the unnamed producer but nothing more than friends. The girls start piping in with their evidence and Roz gives them the stink eye.
Jessie swears on her dog's life (because that's the most important thing in her life) that the staircase story is true. Roz ups the ante and swears on her son's life that it's not true. The audience gasps. Ella the Southern mom chimes in and tries to tell that story about bedtime again that doesn't make sense - this time she uses "fixin' to" again but also says, "we were all like what the haail?!" Way to walk right into a stereotype Ella. Valishia the homemaker with no income source (how does she do that!?!) says she was friends with Roz but as the evidence is mounting and also because one time she couldn't find her in the mansion she now believes the general public instead of Roz.
The whole time that the accusations and evidence are flying Roz is saying "Absolutely not" over and over and is giving her best shocked face...
After Chris compares her to his son who makes up stories about "unicorns and magicians" and calls it the truth she moves into major defense mechanism mode and says, "Riddle me this Chris, there were cameras all over the mansion how is it that there is no tape of the biggest scandal in the world?" Chris says they don't tape 24/7 and the unnamed producer would know which rooms were safe for scandalous activity. Roz says it's all lies and then goes after Chris personally saying that the unnamed producer said Chris was hitting on his wife in New Zealand. Wait a minute - the unnamed producer is married?? Way to many twists in this scandal. Chris says he's not acknowledging that comment with a response but he did give a response today on his blog if you're interested in reading more about the scandal of scandals.Jake Tells us Too Much About his Heart
After Roz it's Jake's turn in the hot seat. Chris tells us, "Back by popular demand please welcome Jake!" Really Chris? Popular demand? I highly doubt that - in fact I believe there were way more popular options for this position (i.e. Kiptyn, Reid) that must have turned it down leaving you with Jake. Chris asks Jake what this journey has been like and he says something like, "You make some friends...you fall in love with a couple of girls...yada yada yada...it's awesome." Then he has a chance to give closure to several of the ladies. He starts with Gia and tells her, "When you were sitting on that bench, my heart was crying." My heart was crying!?! There was a collective eye roll at the watching party at likely around the world...I had to focus on keeping my dinner down.
Next he tells Ali, "When that limo pulled away I really wanted you to jump out." So basically he wanted her to risk physical injury and she wanted him to fly across the country to pursue her. No drama here. Chris asks Jake if that was the hardest part and he says there are more hard parts that haven't aired yet but "that hit about a 10". He steals a line from James Taylor and tells Ali, "You've always got a friend." Julie at the watching party thinks he means a friend with benefits.
Kathryn confronts Jake and says she didn't think she got a chance to which he says "there was something in my heart saying little things were not going to work between us." At this point I am very tired of hearing about Jake's heart. Unfortunately we're not done because next he tells Christina that when he watched the episodes back on TV he saw a side of her that he didn't get to see and it "broke his heart" that he missed out on seeing her funny side.
Finally we're done hearing about Jake's heart (this week) and it's time for the blooper reel! This season had some good ones for sure - Chris singing "On the Wings of Love" to Jake and using the flight attendant two-finger point, Jake asking Chris how he gets his teeth so white, and 10ley jumping out of the wardrobe trunk to scare Gia were the highlights I remember.
Chris asks Jake if he's happy with his choice to which Jake replies "Yes." Then Chris sets up clip montages of the history of both Vienna and 10ley by saying "Jake will hopefully choose one of these women." Hopefully, huh? Any chance Jake is pulling a Brad Wommack and leaving both women at the rose stand? Scenes for the finale show a lot of wailing over a railing...
Chris Harrison calls it one of the most emotional finales ever...I'm thinking I better skip dinner prior to the show, I'm not sure I'll be able to stomach the wailing.I'm giving major props to watching party participant Amy P. who made this profound observation: Jake tells Chris the reason he's kept Vienna around despite many women telling him she has red flags all over her is because he decided he can't worry about what other people think. However, as Amy pointed out, Jake was the #1 informant to Jillian regarding the sketchiness of Wes so it's interesting that he is now paying no attention to what these women are saying even though they are doing exactly what he did with Jillian. Oh the irony!!
Be sure to check out the Pop Watch recap and I Hate Green Beans! See you next week for the most dramatic, emotional finale ever. Of course followed the next week by the most cheesy and over-the-top wedding since Trista & Ryan's nuptials.
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