On the Wings of...Haven't We Seen This Before?

We open this week again without our beloved Chris Harrison - I'm not liking this new pattern. Instead we see Jake packing for his hometown date tour across America. He tells us it's crazy that he has narrowed the field down to 4 from the original 25 women. This seems like something he might have would understand would happen going into the process that is The Bachelor, but I'm not here to judge. With all of his v-neck sweaters packed he's ready to meet the parents!

Gia in NYC
First up is Gia in NYC, who in my opinion had the upper hand going into the hometown dates because who doesn't love New York? Jake and Gia run to greet each other (of course) and then she jumps on and straddles him (of course). He holds her like a baby as she tells him that the best way to see the city in her opinion is by boat. They board the boat and Jake is disappointed to learn that T-Pain is nowhere to be found so they can't participate in a rap parody. Since he's not there they decide to point out obvious landmarks to each other instead. Then conveniently a camera appears and Gia shows off her talent as a model. Jake shows off his ability to appear as a tourist through posing as the Statue of Liberty. Jake tells us he loves that Gia is smiling which seems like an obvious thing to do in a picture but again - not here to judge. Although I will say it's very hard for me not to judge the choker necklace Jake has chosen to wear for the confessional interviews.

Gia then tells Jake about her terrible previous relationships and asks him how he will handle conflict. Jake steals a line from Elton John and says he doesn't let the sun go down on a problem. Not gonna lie - kind of wish he sang that line instead of just saying it. Gia accepts this answer because it's better than the ex who would "ignore her". Yep I'd say quoting Elton John is better than no response at all.

After the boat ride Jake and Gia go to an Italian restaurant to meet Gia's Italian New York family. Her half brother Dylan, stepbrother Erick, mom Donna, and step dad Tony Soprano - I mean Tony unknown last name (but maybe Soprano) - were all there with their fabulous accents. Donna cries when she sees "her Gia". They all eat pasta and then Donna says she wants to talk to Jake alone. She asks Jake what he sees in Gia and he says, "Gia has a way about her". Then he says something about her being organic and Donna LOVES it. I'm thinking "a way about her" is a pretty weak and generic compliment but again- not here to judge.

During this time Gia takes stepbrother Erick aside to get his opinion. Erick says Jake seems like a nice guy but tells Gia to watch out. Gia agrees that she will be cautious and then in the next sentence says she doesn't want to watch out anymore. Good talk! Carrie at the watching party says aloud the one word that I'm certain everyone was thinking during this conversation, "eyebrows."

Gia and Donna walk in a zig zag down the sidewalk before sitting on a bench to discuss Jake. Donna tells Gia, "I was watchin' him at dinna and I sawl the love en his eyes for ya." Gia thinks it's a little early to definitively say Jake loves her. Donna then gives her girl some advice, "Reach for da stars but with one foot planted on da ground so you don't fall." I'm thinking about stitching that sound advice on a throw pillow for our home.

Meanwhile at the dinner table eyebrows - I mean Erick - threatens to hunt Jake down and break his legs if he hurts Gia. Tony Soprano looks on. Then Erick tells us that he thinks Jake is a good guy and not one of those guys just looking for an accessory to carry around with him.

After dinner Jake tells Gia approximately 32 times that her family is really sweet. Gia picks a stoop for them to sit on and tells him her favorite thing to do is sit on stoops and watch taxi cabs go by. Jake asks her if she's every kissed on a stoop, she says no to which Carrie at the watch party says "Oh - I don't buy that Gia!" They kiss on the stoop and people who live in the building that the stoop belongs to are trapped inside because the camera guys don't want someone messing up this money shot.

Ali in Williamstown, MA
Ali screams when she sees Jake, then they run to greet each other (of course) and she straddles him (of course). Jake tells us he's ready to "get real close with Ali". They sit on a bench outside even though it looks freezing cold. Jake then brings the lurch kiss back and goes in for one with Ali but she's obviously not expecting him to lurch at her so her instincts kick in and she dodges him slightly, causing his lips to land on her cheek. When will Jake learn to stop the lurch kiss?

They talk about the foliage and then Ali says when she was young she used to catch leaves in the wind and make wishes on them. I'm pretty sure that she made that up as a 5 year-old because everyone knows you wish on stars in the sky or coins thrown in a fountain...who has ever heard of wishing on a leaf? That's just ridiculous. Ever the romantic, Jake overlooks her confusion on wishing objects and walks her over to a tree to shake a branch and make leaves fall.

Then Ali tells Jake she wants to take him to the house of her grandmother who passed away right before she left for The Bachelor. I have to say this sounded very odd and creepy; I do empathize with Ali for the loss of her grandmother but really the whole thing was weird. Obviously there's not much humor in the death of a family member, however thanks to the watching party there were a few memorable comments/moments (sorry if you don't get credit for your line watching party members - I couldn't keep up!):

• Jake tripping up the stairs to the house because, "he saw the ghost of Gram!"
• Ali says her Grandma was always waiting in the window when she got home from school - and (cue spooky music) she still is...
• Carrie can't get Allison Krause's Ghost in this House out of her head.
• And Farrell (the ever-loyal Jillian fan) says, "Remember Jillian's grandma - she was awesome!"

When they leave Jake tells us that going on the house tour was "intense...it made me think about life." I think they cut off the end of that sentence which likely was, "...which I try not to do very often."

It's time to meet Ali's family - the couple enters her house and is greeted by her mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. Again Carrie at the watching party says what we're thinking, "What is it with these guys and eyebrows?" Beth tells Jake over dinner that she hadn't heard of him or watched the previous Bachelorette prior to Ali going on the show. So naturally before he came she did some research on YouTube and thankfully for him the clip that popped up showed him talking about how he is looking for heart, not good looks, in a woman. Beth then speaks to Jake alone and proceeds to ask him the easiest questions ever.

Beth: "So what's your view on family."
Jake: "It's extremely important to me."
Beth: "Okay great, you know Ali has strong feelings for you."
Jake: Nods in agreement, "If Ali makes it to the end of this journey with me can I have your blessing to propose to her?"
Beth: "Well since family is extremely important to you, sure!"

Jake and Ali then walk outside to two strategically placed chairs near a fire. They make out. I am distracted by the large embroidered scarf that Jake has wrapped around his neck. Ali tells Jake she would accept a ring if he gave her one now. Then Jake gives her a look of determination and takes off his gloves...he is not getting a ring out of his pocket now is he? He puts the gloves on the bench...is he?? Is this why there is no rose ceremony - he's just going to end it now?? Everyone at the watching party is holding their breath, certain he's about to do or say something significant when...he grabs her head with both glove-less hands and...continues making out with her. Seriously? In the next shot of them kissing we see the gloves are back on because let's be honest - it's too cold for him to continue being dramatically romantic.

10ley in Newbert, OR
We see 10ley walking around in her enchanted forest telling the birds and animals about the prince that she met through this magical reality dating show called The Bachelor. Jake tells us he is excited to see 10ley again because he likes her "core values and goals in life". They run to greet each other (of course) and then Jake picks up 10ley, ready for her to straddle him as is the custom on this show, but 10ley knows princesses don't straddle so she just remains elevated in his arms about an inch from the ground.

10ley tells Jake that her ex-husband wasn't a team player in their marriage so she wants to know how feels about being on a team. Jake says in a marriage you have to be a "We-Unit". To which CC at the watching party responded with , "G-Unit!" I do think it's likely Jake was trying to say that once married they'll be forming a rap group called the We-Unit. 10ley's cool with that as long as she can dance in the music video. Speaking of dancing...

After the enchanted forest they walk into the dance studio that 10ley grew up in. She tells him she wants to dance for him because dancing is "a little bit of her insides." (whaaat?) She changes into a contemporary dance outfit and then tells Jake she has choreographed a dance specifically for him - it's the "dance that's in my heart." She tells him to push play and then sit on the stool for the awkward presentation of dancing. He pushes play and to the horror of the watching party the wedding music starts playing. Noooooo! The next few minutes are a blur because I really had trouble watching this "lyrical routine"...it was crossing over into the Michael Scott painfully awkward category for me. I'd like to think this whole thing was a back-up plan crafted by 10ley so that if she gets the boot she'll follow in Melissa's footsteps and be the chosen for "Dancing with the Stars". That's the only way I can continue to look at her with respect.

After So You Think You Can Dance is over, the couple moves to 10ley's parents house where her mom Beth, dad Robert, and sister Carly are there to greet them. 10ley's family is happy she's happy and they all enjoy a happy dinner together. Then Robert takes Jake upstairs to have a chat. It's here that Robert shows his bravery in admitting that he has in fact watched The Bachelorette before. He saw Jake on TV and noted to his wife that 10ley should find someone like him. (note - not specifically him). Jake says he's a good guy because he was "raised to do the right thing". After a manly handshake the men head back downstairs.

Robert has a very candid moment with 10ley at the table and you can tell he's just a good guy - I knew I liked him when he said he watched The Bachelorette! It's now Beth's turn to talk to Jake. She says it's been a hard year since the divorce - and the watching party in unison says, "It's only been a year!?" But Beth assures Jake if anyone can be ready to jump into another marriage it's 10ley.

The family gets back together downstairs and points fingers at who made them each cry first. Then Robert and Jake go out on the porch for round two of the questioning. Jake asks for permission to "beg" for 10ley's hand in marriage if she's the last one standing. Robert says, "I could give my blessing to someone like you." Jake overlooks the "like you" part and assumes he meant specifically him, not someone with similar qualities.

10ley walks Jake to the car and says, "Thank you for taking the time to meet my fam---" the end of the sentence is cut off by that darn lurch kiss Jake keeps bringing back. Chris Harrison seriously needs to talk to him about this.

Vienna in Sanford, FL
The Bachelor is interrupted by a commercial for the Dukes of Hazard - and look there's Daisy in her signature shorts. Oh wait - no sorry, this is still the Bachelor; that's just Vienna in the shorty shorts and off the shoulder 80s shirt. They run to greet each other (of course) and before Vienna can straddle Jake sets her back down. Interesting observation. Vienna says they're going on a boat ride and Jake rejoices at the chance for T-Pain to be on this boat since he wasn't available in NYC. Sadly there's no T-Pain on this small river boat either. However, there is again, the pointing out of obvious things. Except for this time instead of landmarks it's animals; we've really come full circle in this episode. Vienna tells Jake her dad hasn't liked any boys she has brought home or rebound married so good luck!

After the boat ride they head off to meet the family. They are greeted in the house with lots of crying and hugging by Vienna's dad Vinnie, mom Lisa, sister Kayla, and small dog Chloe. Can we just pause for a moment and acknowledge that Vienna's dad's name is Vincent (Vinnie)? Vincent...Vienna....anyone else wonder how Kayla feels about her place in the family? Vinnie takes Vienna aside and asks how she for real feels about this guy. Vienna answers "I'm really falling for him and he's exactly the kind of guy you told me to find."

Then Vinnie takes Jake into the garage and starts telling him the way it's gonna be. He says, "Vienna is a princess and that's what she deserves to be treated like. You'll find that if you treat her as a princess she'll do the same for you - you'll come home and the house will be clean and she'll raise your kids right." I find it ironic that Vinnie thinks his princess Vienna would do something as lowly as clean a house. Jake has some response about how he believes she is a princess too but what stands out to me here is that he's laying on the Texas accent way more than he did in the other hometowns. I'm thinking our boy Jake has been a bit of chameleon to win approval from the respective families...

Over dinner Jake tells the family how the other women he's been dating have been jealous of Vienna because of the connection they have. Vienna's mom (who is sporting Vienna's natural hair color) tells Jake that it's been like that her whole life - the other girls are always jealous of Vienna. It's always something wrong with the other people, there is of course nothing wrong with their princess Vienna. Then they talk about how many cars Vienna has wrecked and laugh the night away.

Vienna takes Jake back inside for a goodbye make out session when Vinnie does a "knock and walk in" on them. Awkward! Vienna then tells her dad to give them a few more minutes. SO AWKWARD!!! Vinnie says something about being just outside the door and I silently hope this date is over.

Deja Vu Begins
Back in Beverly Hills we see Jake in the same hotel room that Jillian was in when Ed knocked on the door and said he had to leave for work reasons. That's odd that we're revisiting this place, I wonder why. Jake is talking about how he loves 4 women when all of the sudden there's a knock on the door! Jake opens the door to find....(after a dramatic pause)...a visibly upset and crying Ali. She enters the hotel room and Jen at the watching party has an ingenious guess, "She's pregnant! It's morning sickness!" That would be an excellent dramatic twist! Through tears Ali tells Jake that she has to choose between her job and staying on the show. Seriously ABC? This storyline has so been done before.

Ali tells Jake she needs help deciding...yada, yada, yada...Jake talks about minimizing your life regrets...yada, yada, yada...Ali cries more and wants a guarantee to stay...yada, yada, yada...Jake says Take a Chance on Me (and I start thinking again about how much more fun it would be if Jake sang the song instead of said the line). Ali says she'll let Jake know her decision at the rose ceremony, he walks her the door and then she gives the most pitiful puppy dog face and waves goodbye before slouching and stomping down the hallway. Once she's farther away from Jake's door she does the "Drop and Sob" as CC calls it which might sound similar to the "Bend and Snap" but has much less effective results.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever...or Not!
Chris Harrison and Jake walk down a fancy hallway into the fancy deliberation room with determined expressions - they've got some serious things to deliberate here. Jake starts telling Chris how torn he is for Ali and this decision. Laura at the watching party questions aloud if he is going to start crying to which CC responds, "No, there's no railing or balcony for him to lean over dramatically." Jake says he'll do a back flip if Ali stays which really makes me want Ali to stay because I'd like to see that actually.

As Jake deliberates, we see the ladies arriving and exiting the limo. Vienna is in an unfortunate satin purple number, Gia is convinced that she looks good in red clothing paired with bright red lipstick, 10ley has on a very cute ensemble, and Ali looks like at any moment she is going to be sick all over her shoes that don't really match her dress.

Once all the ladies are in Rose Ceremony position Ali asks Chris if she can talk to him for a second. The other ladies look shocked and confused as Chris says yes and escorts her away to see Jake. Ali goes for her best "bewildered look" as she is escorted into the sacred deliberation room by Chris. Jennifer at the watching party suspects this is all an act and I have to say I questioning it myself because it's hard for me to believe someone is capable of this level of pouting. She sits on the couch and begins saying words that do not form coherent or complete sentences. Jake tries to calm her down by draping her legs over him - you know, "Gia's thing".

Ali sounds like she's getting over a cold as she makes some moaning sounds. Jake tells her that he doesn't want her to go and she wasn't on the chopping block tonight. Ali then messes up her hair more and tells him she loves him. They make out and Chris Harrison comes back in and asks if she's made her mind up because frankly it looks like she's decided to stay. Ali begins weeping and says she needs more time. Chris Harrison gives her a, "Are you serious right now?" look and she then tells Jake that she has to go. Jake channels his inner soap opera character and says, "I feel like you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." He tries one more lurch kiss which pretty much seals Ali's decision to leave.

He walks her out to the limo and they hug goodbye. I'm pretty sure she wiped her nose on his jacket before releasing from the hug. She gets in the limo and Jake emphatically shuts the door. Ali questions aloud to the ABC therapist in the car if she made the right choice. Jake turns around and sees a stair rail...yes- his emotions can be released! As Farrell said, "Where there's a railing there's a wailing!"

Jake pulls himself together and reenters the rose ceremony that is no longer a rose ceremony. Chris Harrison tells the ladies that Ali has left and so therefore, "for the first time ever in the history of the franchise that is The Bachelor, there will not be a rose ceremony tonight." The ladies can't contain their joy over the exit of Ali. Jake calls them down to pick up their roses and you just have to wonder who was on the chopping block tonight if it wasn't Ali....add that to the list of burning questions we'll never know the answer to about this show.

Chris announces that the group will be heading to St. Lucia next week for the fantasy suite dates and then the camera switches to Ali in the limo saying aloud, "What did I do?" I'm hoping the therapist was wise and told her, "You got out of that crazy situation on your own - good for you girl!" However, I'm guessing that wasn't the response seeing as the scenes for next week show Ali calling Jake on the phone...and also Jake pondering life while overlooking the ocean in his karate pants. And the drama continues (of course)!