On the Wings of Lust...

I think the finale of The Bachelor Season 14: On the Wings of Love can be summed up through the following cloud-related pictures:


Before the most dramatic finale ever even started last night there were several hilarious comments voiced at the watching party..."I feel nauseous already" was probably the most accurate.

We open the show with Jake telling us "I'm on the edge of finding my wife". What's keeping him on the edge though is that he's so in love with both of these couldn't-be-more-different women. Minor details...

Jake sports a pastel pink shirt to go see his entire family who "shut down their lives" to fly to St. Lucia and help him find love. Hey Jake I know we're not really good friends but I just want you to know for future reference that I'd shut down my life for an all expenses paid trip to St. Lucia too. I mean, for you of course - to help a friend find love -- not only because of the free vacation. We meet the family and Amy P. notes that Jake definitely got the looks from the gene pool. About 4 minutes later approximately 80% of the family members are crying. Already?!? This is gonna be a long night.

The family asks Jake to describe these very different women and he tells them how 10ley is perfect and how all the other girls didn't really get along with Vienna. Jake's mom Sallie interjects and says, "Is she the one that everyone hated? Because you know Jake sometimes there's something to that." Now we understand that Sallie is the voice of reason in the Pavelka family. Jake then starts to backpedal and tries to tell them all of Vienna's positive qualities. Like....hmmm...she's...smart. I'm sure that's the first positive quality that came to his mind...

The Family Meets Princess 10ley
10ley walks up to the Pavelka family free vacation home carrying a very large arrangement of tropical flowers as a "please like me" gift. The family asks 10ley the usual questions and not 5 minutes into her answers Jake's dad is in tears again. Mom and 10ley leave the weeping bunch and go outside to have a chat. Sallie wants to know how 10ley handles conflict with women because it's important to her that her "daughter-in-laws" (incorrect grammar, see post below regarding my anger toward this) get along well. I'm gathering that the current daughters-in-law don't necessarily see eye-to-eye on everything, hence why Sallie is looking for a peacemaker. The set up for Vienna is unreal...

10ley takes this opportunity to share her previous divorce and how it is so important that for the next marriage she really gets along with all in-laws. Then she says "Jake is beautiful" and with that Sallie is won over. Next up is 10ley and the weeping man - I mean Jake's dad. 10ley goes on again about how much she respects their marriage and what a gift it is to their children. She says many more complimentary things and then Dad's chin starts quivering and you know what's coming next. They hug it out and Dad tells us that he feels like he's met his future daughter-in-law today.

Back inside the free vacation home Sallie gives Jake her glowing approval of 10ley and says this other girl who everyone hates has a lot to live up to. Jake says his issue with 10ley is that he hasn't been about to "rough house" with her like he does with his brothers. He gives an example of what he means, "Like if she was on the edge of the pool she needs to know that I'm going to push her in." Really Jake? As Amy P. said (quoting Liz Lemon) That's a Dealbreaker!

Jake and 10ley have a chat outside about how things went and then he says, "It's hot, let's get in the pool!" In an act of forced spontaneity, the tear off their microphones and jump in the pool. Just when you thought it was at the awkward limit here come the brothers to jump in the pool with their clothes on too. Oh you are so fun Pavelka family. The sisters-in-law dip their feet in and look on as the rough-housing brothers give 10ley a group hug in the pool. Everyone loves 10ley and all is right in the world...and I cannot wait for Vienna's visit.

The Family Meets the Opposite of 10ley
Vienna approaches the free vacation home sporting a 5-7-9 sundress and carries a fruit basket as her "please like me more than 10ley" gift. The family greets her and then start the questioning to get to the bottom of this girls in the house conflict issue. Unfortunately Vienna thinks joking about the situation and lightheartedly blowing it off as not a big deal is the best way to handle it. She tells the family through giggles that the other girls hated her from the beginning. The sweet family looks on confused as to why it would be funny to have a group of people hate you. Sister-in-law Laura tells us "there's not a lot of class in the way Vienna speaks about the women who hate her." Jake wishes the family would just notice her positive qualities (...she's "smart") and accept her.

At lunch the family continues to question Vienna to find out why she is so unlikeable by other women. Laura asks Vienna why she thinks the other girls didn't get along with her. Vienna says it's because she is "brutally honest". The family then challenges her with some questions that could cause awkwardness if answered unfavorably yet honestly. Laura asks Vienna if she thinks she is pretty to which Vienna smartly replies yes. Unfortunately Laura takes it a step further and asks, "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?" to which Vienna is regrettably brutally honest and says "Kind of." Awkwaaaaaaaard! Laura then comments, "You really are different from 10ley". Vienna smirks and replies, "Yeah, I'm not a robot." I'm guessing that whole exchange is a giant clue for the fam as to why it takes a little longer to warm up to Vienna.

Voice of reason Sallie has heard enough and decides it's time to give Jake a motherly talking-to. She pulls him aside and tells him her concerns over Vienna's brutal honesty and points out that it could cause conflict in the future with the "sister-in-laws" (insert eye roll here). Jake gets defensive and then tells the camera he feels like he is trying to talk people into Vienna. Maybe it feels like that because that's what is actually happening...just a thought.

Jake's brothers confront him as well and tell him that the whole "brutal honesty" line really seems more like an "immature defense mechanism." Meanwhile the sisters-in-law sit down with Vienna to continue the questioning. Vienna shares that Jake appreciates the fact that she is not a "yes-girl" like some people (i.e. 10ley) and that they challenge each other in their relationship. Also she can't imagine her life without Jake and she is 100% positive that he is picking her. If nothing else she sure is confident. Somehow the sisters-in-law are won over and tell Jake that they rushed to judgment on Vienna. Laura even starts crying (pulling a Jake's dad) and feels ashamed that she judged her so quickly. It's possible the 5-7-9 sundress had something to do with the judging.

Sallie and Vienna finally have a chat alone together - Sallie confronts Vienna once again about her issues with the other women in the house. I don't know what Vienna said or what was different about her answers this time but somehow Vienna was able to win the lone voice of reason in the house over and so by the time she leaves the free vacation home everyone feels guilty for judging her based on her lack of tact and bad roots that desperately need to be colored.

Vienna and Jake Have a Date Not Suitable for Public Television
Next up it's final date time for each of the ladies. Vienna is first and Jake takes her to some outdoor natural spa/hot springs mud place that's actually sulphur springs. Vienna isn't too excited about this idea especially considering that according to her it smells like "rot eggs". I have to side with Vienna on this one because I have some personal life experience with sulphur. No -- I've never rolled around with a guy in a sulphur springs mud pit before. My freshman year of college I had to take a field trip with my Geology class to the town of Sulphur, Oklahoma which as you might guess reeks of sulphur. I have no idea how people live in this town that definitely smells like rotten eggs (or rot eggs as Vienna would say). I didn't even want to get off the bus. Oh memories...

Sorry for the sidetrack - back to the show -- So once Vienna saw the mud and understood they would be wrestling in it she seemed to forget about the rot eggs smell. The next few minutes were very awkward and uncomfortable for the viewers. There was even one point that Vienna's rear end was blurred out by the camera. Julie at the watching party said it best, "I feel like I'm watching something I shouldn't be."

After the mud pit Jake went over to Vienna's "place" (her free vacation home) for cheese & crackers and wine. As they talked a very annoying bird squawked in the background. Jake then said, "Can I ask you a question? (dramatic pause) What was it like being married for 3 weeks?" The watching party erupted into laughter at the question. Vienna answered that it was horrible and she hated it and it was a mistake made when they were stupid kids. You know...5 years ago.

Vienna then takes Jake to the bedroom where she presents him with her gift. She gives him a homemade box with her "I won't elope again" ring that her dad gave her and a note explaining why she wants him to have it. He doesn't know how to respond so he kisses her. Making out ensues and then Jake says, "I can't believe this is our last date." To which Vienna panics and responds, "This is our last date?!" Jake backpedals again and clarifies - "I mean on this journey". Could this be foreshadowing? Cue the dramatic music and Vienna telling us how scared she is.

10ley Tries to Bring the Heat
Jake tells us it's tough being in love with two people but he's just going to try to focus on 10ley today. Yes we really feel sorry for you Jake. He runs to greet 10ley and the watch party notices how genuinely excited he seems to see her. They walk together to a big boat and then 10ley asks in her best princess voice, "Are we going on this boat!?" Jake says yes "he" chartered the boat and they're going to a few islands and snorkeling. There's a few obligatory underwater camera shots of the happy couple snorkeling and then they find the Titanic.

Once on board the boat again 10ley senses something is off; Jake says he's just tired at first but then starts down a road that does not end well. He tells her that on the first night they met when she read the "10 things about 10ley" to him she captivated him deeper emotionally than he ever had been before. Seriously Jake? Through a top 10 list? He continues saying he feels their emotional chemistry is greater than the physical chemistry. 10ley is visibly shaken and tells him, "I think we have heat but are you not thinking that?" Jake feels immediate guilt for hurting the feelings of a Disney princess and tells her he does think that but that "it's building slowly". 10ley thinks that's the way it's supposed to be. It's at this point I think that all of America knows who Jake is choosing.

After the boat ride Jake heads over to 10ley's "place" (her free vacation home) where 10ley has lit about 52 candles so that Jake will hopefully feel the heat. She immediately asks him for more clarification on what he brought up on the boat to which he apologizes for hurting her feelings and gives her some lines about how he likes her smile and personality. Yep, this chick is going home. 10ley still believes she's in the running and so she presents her gift to him which is a shadowbox she made full of pictures and memories. Julie at the watching party wonders aloud if Jake & Vienna will hang the shadowbox of memories in their home together.

Deliberation Without Chris Harrison
Jake gets out of his canopy bed wearing some karate pants and no shirt (of course). He looks out over the water and considers his choice today between the two ladies left. We see 10ley open the doors to her balcony and sing to the animals while we see Vienna in her bikini making a heart in the sand.

Neil Lane - yes, the actual Neil Lane himself - arrives at Jake's free vacation home to let him pick out a ring. Jake says he doesn't know which ring he wants yet because these two girls he's flip flopping back and forth on want different cuts. Neil understands that this is a difficult choice so he let's Jake take both a princess cut (for Vienna) and a round cut (for 10ley) and advises Jake to "Let the ring speak to you". Whaaaat?? What kind of advice is that? Where the heck is Chris Harrison?

Jake does some more soul searching by the pool in his rolled up karate pants and then finally decides which girl "has a little more of his heart" than the other one. So romantic. He is distraught over the thought of breaking someone's heart but knows it must be done because he checked his contract and polygamy is not an option.

The Final Rose Ceremony
The ladies board separate helicopters to fly to wherever Jake is with the final rose. No limo this year - I'm guessing it's because we've seen much less of helicopters this season and they had to meet their quota. The first helicopter lands in an open field where a very wind-blown Chris Harrison is waiting. He opens the door to the helicopter and out steps....10ley. Pretty much to no one's surprise at this point but still disappointing to know what she is about to endure. She's wearing a beautiful gold strapless dress so at least she'll look good while getting her heart broken, right?

She walks up to Jake who is wearing an unfortunate paisley tie and tells us that she's ready for him to get down on one knee when she sees him. The tension is think and Ashley at the watching party is in distress for this poor girl. So much so that she has to run out of the room knocking everything in her path out of her way on her mad dash out. Jake gives 10ley a fake smile and tells her again that he loves her "smile and positivity". He thinks she's just perfect but there's something missing and he just doesn't know what it is. 10ley cries. Jake cries. I think Ashley cries from upstairs. Somewhere Jake's dad cries.

10ley responds with grace and composure as I'm sure any Disney princess would if their fairy tale ended with prince choosing the evil step-sister instead of the princess. She thanks Jake for showing her how to to love again and letting her know what she could have. Oh girl you could have so much more than this kid! He wipes her tears and the watching party gets defensive of our girl 10ley and yells at him not to touch her. They walk down the stairs and 10ley says through tears that she's not ready to say good-bye. Then Jake stops....is he going to change his mind!?! He pauses....and then says...."God, I'm never going to forget you." The watching party participants groan and throw things at the TV in disgust. 10ley enters the rejection SUV still heartbroken...I'm guessing the lyrical dance of her heart is going to be more on the dark side now rather than set to wedding music.

Jake turns around on the railing and pulls a "Mesnick" -- sobbing over the heartache he just caused. After he composes himself it's time for his lady Vienna to arrive. She steps out of the helicopter in a turquoise blue one shoulder dress which is possibly her best rose ceremony dress to date. Ashley has rejoined the watching party and announces that Vienna is wearing way too much bronzer. As Vienna walks across the bridge and up the stairs to Jake she tells us that she's going to be completely lost without him if he doesn't pick her. Amy P. appropriately reminds her that, "You got Vinnie!" Vienna tells us "When I found him, I found myself." I feel the girl scout cookies I've been snacking on throughout the show start making their way back up.

When she makes it to Jake she tells him again how much she loves him and how she can't imagine her life without him. She finally stops talking and Jake says he needs to give her the "I promise I won't elope again" ring back because it means so much to Vinnie and her. Vienna looks distraught as she believes this means she's out. Then Jake says, "There's something I want to say that I don't want you to ever forget," he flashes a mega-watt smile and continues with, "I love you!" Vienna is relieved and thrilled. Jake drops to one knee and says, "Vienna I don't know your last name but will you marry me?" Or something like that....

Then we get to see a memory montage clip of their relationship which means we get to look back on all of Vienna's outfit choices. Sequins...one shoulder shirt....80's outfit...Daisy Duke shorts....80's neon outfit...teal bikini...prom dress...rhinestones...bows....etc. Jake presents Vienna with the final rose which she accepts of course and then they make out. It's here that CC at the watching party appropriately came up with the title of this post and what I think the whole season should be renamed....It's the end of The Bachelor Season 14: "On the Wings of Lust".

Be sure to check out these other blogs - Pop Watch, Chris Harrison, and I Hate Green Beans. I'll provide some brief thoughts and notes from the "After the Final Rose Special" later today although I can tell you right now the only highlights were the live concert of On the Wings of Love and seeing Ali get a one-up on Vienna.