So we're down to the final nine ladies and because the bachelorette house seems to be making everyone crazy, Chris Harrison has something even better up his sleeve: two pimped out RVs!! The ladies start cheering and clapping and I'm thinking, "Really? You guys are really excited about this?" It must be all for the cameras. Then Ella mentions she's excited about "rolling down the highway of love" and I know this is going to bad! Then the camera flips to Jake riding his bike on the PCH and I keep thinking, that just doesn't look right. What is it that makes me want to knock him off the bike and stick him in a Tahoe? Anyway... the group ends up at some vineyard and I'm wondering if last season's vineyard bachelor Jesse is going to make an appearance (and if he's still single). Sadly, he doesn't. We just see the RVs parked in the middle of the vineyard while Jake sets up a two person tent about 100 yards from the group. This could be interesting.
One on one date:
Gia finally gets selected for the one on one time with Jake, and it's actually pretty endearing. She's really excited and hurrying to get ready for the big date. She's all NYC so she gets dolled up for the motorcycle ride in three inch stilettos. They drive off and end up in another vineyard (at least I hope it's another one). Gia is giggling, throws off her shoes and decides they should play hide and seek. Now that could have been fun except for the fact that the vines are all three feet off the ground so you can't really hide. Jake doesn't seem to care and finds her in about half a second. Then she throws herself around him like a pretzel and he carries her over to *surprise* a picnic that's already been set up. ABC seriously needs to come up with some new ideas. After downing a few bottles of wine, Jake and Gia open up about their pasts: Gia was a loser and no one liked her and Jake's high school nickname was "Mr. Dateless." Then we learn Jake didn't kiss anyone until he was in 11th grade. Just when we start reminiscing about "16 Candles," Gia suggests they play "spin the bottle." Surprisingly, they end up making out, and I can't help but look away. I think the botox has paid off!
The evening part of the date comes along and Jake has in mind a camp fire, grilling hot dogs and s'mores and cuddling by the fire. Now I would love to do this, but I'm curious how Merideth Grey, I mean Gia will like it. I'm pretty sure she was never a girl scout. Jake gets the fire going thanks to the lighter fluid some ABC intern drenched the wood in and they cuddle under a blanket. Gia is loving it! Jake asks her how she thinks this whole thing will end and Gia says something that surprises me. She wants kids and to adopt a baby from China. Really Gia, I didn't know you had it in you. Then she follows up with, "I also want a pig." Now that's what I was expecting. Then Jake heads off to get the rose and Carrie, who is one of my friends watching with me, asks, "I wonder where he's going to hide it." That was really the highlight of this one-on-one date for me. The evening ends with the girls making coyote noises, which Tenley was pretty good at, and it's time to end it.
Group Date:
For the group date we have Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Vienna, Corrie and Ali. Jake tells the girls to plan to get dirty. Because Rozlyn's gone, we all know this actually means dirty. Jake and the girls go dunebuggying and sand surfing. I imagine this to be fun to do but definitely not to watch. Jake tells us he's "drawn to Tenley" as they roll down a sand dune together and Tenley eats it. We actually get to see a little of Corrie as well since she makes an effort to get some alone time with Jake. They roll down a sand dune. Boring!
They finish off the day at the Madonna Inn where everyone gets to clean up and Jake has some one-on-one time in a different hotel room with each girl. I can't tell for sure if the DVR stopped and we start watching "pimp my hotel" when Jake and Ashleigh end up entangled on a love seat in the first room. While she's getting really physical, Jake is fairly aloof and it's obvious she won't be around long. Then Jake and Ali end up on another loveseat, and I wonder whether they've dated before the way she acts around him. She's definitely the most comfortable with him and let's him know that "she supports whatever decision he makes." I think she meant to add "except if you keep Vienna around" but she's not quite as confident as I thought. The show skips over the rest of the girls because no one is saying anything remotely interesting. Jake ends the round with Vienna, per her request, when they have a little heart to heart in front of the fire. Vienna can't understand why the girls all hate her and Jake calls her out and says it's because she eggs it on. While I appreciate Jake being honest with Vienna, this show is called the Bachelor, not "my best guy friend". Let's get on with it! The evening ends with Jake giving out the group date rose to Tenley, for being patient with him. The bachelorettes are all pissed and shocked, and while we all agree that they may actually be a great match, we're bored and ready for something else to come on.
Two on one date
Kathryn and Ella end up on the two on one date, and we know there's tension because one of them will be getting the boot tonight. While this would have been a whole lot more interesting if it had been Vienna v. Ali, at least there's some made up drama to watch. The three of them sit down to eat and Kathryn turns into a fly on the wall for Jake and Ella's date. Ella isn't messing around, and Kathryn can't seem to get a word in edgewise. Even she admits that she feels like the third wheel which is pretty true based on the editing. Jake then spends some time alone with each of them and the watching party starts talking about what would make this more interesting. Someone mentioned how great it would be if Michelle were to show back up, Reid-style, at the end and someone else mentioned if she came back with red eyes it would be even better. We laughed until we realized the show was still going on and it wasn't a commercial break. As we all wait impatiently for Jake to hand out a rose, Jake asks Ella if she'll go outside with him. Boo-yah, Ella's getting the boot. Jake goes through his standard "kick ya to the curb" schpeal of thank you, you are great, i really appreciate you being here and putting your life on hold for me, blah, blah, blah. Then he literally turns around and Ella's stretch limo is two feet behind him, so he opens the door and kicks her out. At least they aren't stopping a train in the middle of nowhere. When Jake comes back in to see Kathryn rose-less, we start to get suspicious. Then he drops another bombshell, she's history too! Kathryn tries to argue her way out of it but there's already another car outside to take her away too. Kathryn protests, Jake goes through the exact same breakup monologue and she leaves. Then Jake takes the rose outside and burns it in the firepit. And that's about all the drama we have so far.
It's at this point in the evening when Carrie suggests they need a "cameraman tell all" show. We can hear from the staffer that hooked up with Roz and the guys that fell asleep while having to endure through this episode. I kind of like the idea.
Cocktail party/Rose ceremony
We make it to the cocktail party where nothing interesting happens. We see a bit more of Corrie and everyone decides she's the dark horse. Jake and Ali have nothing to talk about (because they are so boring) so they just kiss under some mink blanket. We hear the first words from Jessie and unfortunately she wastes them on telling Jake that Vienna isn't right for him. Don't these girls ever learn!! It's the kiss of death around here. Finally we get to the rose ceremony and with 20 minutes left in the show, we know something's up. They don't waste any time in the deliberation room so did Jake even deliberate? He starts handing out roses and it's obvious that Ali will get the first one. Next, Corrie gets hers and it's confirmed that she's definitely the dark horse. It's at this point Jake can't go on and the show gets interesting. Jake leaves the girls standing there with two roses to hand out. The camera man is chasing him through the house and he's on the hunt for Chris. Some producer's assistant, in a very cool LA outfit, meets him first and alerts the crew that they have a loose cannon here. Jake runs outside looking for Chris where we see him talking to Jorge Garcia from Lost and some other crew member who shrink into the background and run off the stage. Jake babbles about not wanting to give out two more roses and Chris tries to talk him off the ledge while listening to his earpiece as to whether the producers okay this. Can they kick off two more girls and still have enough footage for enough episodes? The producers must okay it since Chris affirms that this is allowed because "Jake is looking for this wife." Does this mean that everyone else was just looking for a good hook-up? Chris then holds Jake's hand and walks him back to the rose bearing pedestal. Chris tells the ladies that only one more rose is getting handed out so be ready. Then the biggest surprise of all, Jake gives the last remaining rose to...VIENNA!!! Shocker! I think Ali almost throttled her but instead begins to plot her demise. Even sweet innocent Tenley is looking a bit out of sorts over this revelation. Jessie leaves graciously and we see more from her on the exit interview than we have all season. Ashleigh isn't quite as poised as she spits out that she "can't believe he chose Vienna over me." Believe me girl, you weren't right for him but I sure can't believe it either! If nothing else, at least we have the "Vienna hate" to look forward to next week. Peace out friends! Until next week!
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