Love is More Powerful Than Flying

Here we are again friends, another season of The Bachelor. Since this is my first time blogging about The Bachelor (instead of The Bachelorette) I just want to take a moment and give a general disclaimer that I'm sure all of these women who signed up to pursue one man on a reality TV show are very nice. If I judge one or all of them to be crazy then I'm sure it's the editing and not how they are in real life. However, this blog will recap based solely on what is shown during each 2 hour episode so I apologize in advance if it comes across as catty or mean; it's all meant to be in good fun!

And with that disclaimer out of the way, on to the premiere of The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love!

The Wounded Bachelor
We re-meet our wounded bachelor in his comfort zone setting - the cockpit of a plane. He tells us that flying will always be a part of his life but he's ready for the fairy tale ending to his life of course. Side note: I'm not sure what fairy tales Jake's mom read to him as a child but I don't remember there being one about the "prince" going on a reality TV show to date and make out with 25 women, breaking the hearts of 24 in the process only to stay committed to 1 woman for a few months of publicity. I guess I missed that one.

After the pilot scenes we're treated to the obligatory shirtless Jake shots. Jake continues to talk about his quest for love as he cuts some lumber in his backyard. While this was a bit random I definitely preferred the shirtless lumber scenes over the shirtless shower scenes that popped up later- do we really need to see Jake lathering up his chest ABC? At least not in the first episode...

What's this now? Jake is sporting a leather bomber jacket and is hopping on a Harley? No way that Jake was really into motorcycles prior to being chosen as The Bachelor. I think learning to ride a Harley was definitely part of the agreement that Jake had to concede on in order to be chosen as The Bachelor because the ABC execs wanted as many tie-ins to Top Gun as possible. And thus the Top Gun scene of Maverick riding along the beach into the sunset was born.

Our Host tells us that women from across the country wrote in to ABC requesting Jake be the next bachelor (nevermind that most of these letters came from county mental institutions). So now it's time to meet the lucky 25 who were selected to vie for the position of Jake's co-pilot.

Let's Meet the "Ladies"
First up is Ali, an ad account exec who shares several heartbreaking stories about men who have cheated on her in the past, clearly a reality TV show is where she'll find a non-cheater. Look how well that worked out for Jillian. Next we meet Alexa the entrepreneur who is a self professed adrenaline junkie and has a Harley of her own. Classy. Next scene cuts to a woman doing gymnastics on the beach in a bikini because that's totally normal. The bikini-clad gymnast is Tenley who tearfully shares with us after her gymnastics routine that she was married once and divorced because "there was some unfaithfulness". Again, not sure why she thought dating a guy who is visibly and simultaneously dating 24 other women would help her regain trust in men...

We're then introduced to Elizabeth from DC who is a captain in the Air National Guard. It's quickly clear that Elizabeth from DC is going to be the smartest gal of the bunch and may actually be the ONLY smart one of the bunch. She admits she doesn't have much fashion sense and also is more realistic about it possibly not working out with Jake compared to the rest of the ladies who have all already picked out baby names that sound well with the last name Pavelka.

Cut to a model photo shoot with Rozlyn the blonde model being the subject. Rozlyn tells us, "I've been a model forever - maybe like 10 years." Forever...10 years...same thing. After the photo shoot we cut to Christina talking to herself in the mirror. She's giving herself compliments like "Oh I looove your shoes!". She tells us, "Most of my friends are guys so I don't really get a long with girls - I'm a guys girl so girls think I'm bitchy". Hence why she was practicing giving fake compliments in the mirror; she's going to actually try to be friends with these girls. Her effort was short lived however - more on that later.

Off to Vienna next! No, we're not going to Vienna we are meeting Vienna. Yes, that is her name. Vienna is strolling along in her bikini and heels telling us about herself when she trips. Love it. She tells the camera that the is spoiled rotten, her dad has bought her "maybe 5 cars" and yes to top it all off she has a small dog named Chloe. I know what you're thinking and the similarities are definitely there:

We enter Ashley the teacher's living room next where she is surrounded by packages of gowns and skimpy bikinis sent from her mother. We'll see later that her mom even sent costumes...

Next we cut to Megan Fox - I mean Elizabeth from Nebraska - see the similarities here too!:
She's walking down the beach in what else? A skimpy bikini of course! Elizabeth is a nanny and has been through the ups and downs of love. She is also very competitive and is therefore in it to win it, what's his name again? Doesn't matter, Elizabeth is here for 1st place...2nd place is the first loser.

The camera then pans to signs for Knoxville, Tennessee and you know a Southern accent is about to appear. Ella delivers on the accent as well as the stereotype when she tells us, "Jake reminds me of prince charming. I think it's meant to be for Jake and I to be together with my son Ethan." Ella has a son. Twist! Ella is a hairdresser and ironically has terrible hairstyles. Double Twist!

Next up - Gia who I predicted would be crazy. (I know, way to go out on a limb and predict someone on this show is crazy, right?!) Gia is a swimsuit model who has had only 3 boyfriends her whole life...and that's all I wrote down about Gia. Then we move through one liners from several different women very quickly - Emily is a fit model, Tiara is very fit, Caitlyn is a spokesmodel who thinks that her past pageant experience will help her, Kirsten isn't afraid to "cut a bitch if someone pisses her off"(seriously??), and Michelle who is 25 and ready to be married.

This concludes our preview of the ladies. I got confused for a moment and thought this season was titled "The Bachelor: Which Type of Model do You Want to Date?" because in case you weren't keeping track, in this gang we have the following: Fit Model, Spokesmodel, Swimsuit Model, and good old regular Model. It's nice to see ABC really made diversity a priority this season.

Chris & Jake Discuss the Power of Love
Our Host is standing outside the infamous Bachelor house in LA and tells us it's time for Jake to meet the ladies but first "let's hear it for....it's Jake!" (shout out to Cat Deely). Then Maverick - I mean Jake - rides up on his Harley looking totally comfortable on the two-wheeled vehicle. Ashley at the viewing party makes a brilliant observation when she questions, "Is this season sponsored by cheese-wiz?" Point for Ashley!

Chris Harrison asks Jake the normal questions, how it feels to be in this position, back at this house, does he think he'll meet his wife, etc. Then he asks Jake what would happen if one of these girls is terrified of flying, would that be a dealbreaker? At this moment I would like to congratulate myself for calling it that we would later learn at least one of the ladies in this group is currently afraid of flying. Jake's response was so fabulous that it became worthy of the title of this post. After much thought he told Chris that, "Love is more powerful than flying." And as Amy P. at the watching party pointed out, flying is pretty dam powerful.

Jake Hears the Worst Pick-Up Lines Ever
Finally it's time for Jake to meet the ladies! Rozlyn the model is first out of the limo and tells Jake that her name means "little rose" so...you know...she should get a rose. Smooth. Ali emerges next with what appears to be either a fishing pole or a large feather behind her back. She tells Jake that she is getting over a cold and barely has a voice but she brought him a present. She then reveals the object hidden behind her back and it's a...giant peacock feather!! I don't get it...from the look of Jake's face I wasn't alone. Ali explains, "Do you know what peacocks use their feathers for?" Jake remains in a blank stare. "To find a mate!" I think Jake smiles and gives a pity laugh but I'm still confused. They're not peacocks right? This is on ABC not NBC right? I still don't fully understand how Ali thought that was going to go over but I guess at some point you have to stop asking why with these girls and just nod and smile.

Next we have Jessie in a red & black saloon style dress. She saunters up to Jake and feels his arms while channeling her inner Michael Scott and asks, "Do you have a registry for these guns?" The watching party exploded into a fit of laughter while Jake just gave another pity laugh. Ella emerges from the limo next and as Jake compliments her Tennessee accent she says, "Oh you have something right there, what's that?" as she points to his chest. Jake reluctantly looks down, fearful that Ella is going to pull the old "hit your nose - gotcha" trick when he does. Sadly, Jake's fear is realized and Ella breaks out in a fit of proud laughter over her original joke that always works on her 6 year-old son. Oh Ella...are you really a hairstylist? Do you know all of your hair is on one side of your head?

Caitlyn exits the limo next and tells Jake she is a spokesmodel. I really wish Jake would have responded with, "Like on Star Search?? Did you know Ed McMahon?" Unfortunately he did not. The brains of the group Elizabeth from DC is next and she makes a bet with Jake, she'll flip a coin and heads she stays, tails she leaves. Jake agrees, she flips the coin, Jake calls heads and....hold on to your seats...it's heads!! No way! How did that happen!?! Oh wait, Ella knows - she uses that trick on her 6 year-old son all the time too, it's a double headed coin. These women are tricky!

Alexa is next wearing some unfortunate leather gloves with her party gown. She tells Jake if she gets to fly his plane he can ride her Harley. Bad angle to take Alexa - Jake is clearly only riding the motorcycle to appease the ABC execs. Better luck next year!

Vienna bounces up to Jake next and wastes no time getting to second base - "I want to feel this famous 6-pack of abs I've heard about". Jake lifts up his suit jacket and Vienna grazes the abs. She then tells him he can feel her 2-pack later. At least she kept it in an even pack count unlike Jillian when referring to Kiptyn's infamous "9-pack".

Corrie the wardrobe consultant confidently walks up to Jake and asks, "So, what do you think about kissing me?" Jake inhales sharply, raises his eyebrows and gives a nervous smile while silently cursing ABC for recruiting from the crazy pool. Corrie, sensing his panic attack, quickly adds, "at some point later on." Jake exhales a sigh of relief and laughs nervously as he hurries her inside away from him.

Next out of the limo, my personal favorite - Kimberly the NBA dancer from Norman, OK! I silently prayed for Kimberly to be normal as she walked up to Jake. She introduced herself, gave him a hug and then said, "I'm from Oklahoma and I know you're from Texas so..." Yes! I like this girl, she's going to start singing Boomer Sooner any moment! Kimberly continues, "...I thought we could go ahead and just put our differences behind us so..." Wait, what's this - what is she doing with her hand? Don't do it Kimberly, stay loyal! As Kimberly raises her right hand she lowers her middle and ring finger along with her thumb to reveal what looks like devil's horns and says "...hook 'em horns!" Well way to go Kimberly you just went from first to last in my book - join the other crazies in the house!

After I woke up from passing out over the blatant disregard for school loyalty as exhibited by Kimberly, Valishia the homemaker was putting some dirt from Texas in Jake's hand. Awesome. Next was crazy Gia who forgot the top of her dress so her chest was pretty much just bare. Megan Fox - I mean, Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska - was next. She took Jake's hands and asked him to close his eyes and imagine his favorite place. Jake responds too enthusiastically, "Right here!!" Elizabeth opens her eyes and says, "Seriously dude? Standing outside this house meeting 25 women is your favorite place? Get a life"...or something like that. And then tells him her favorite place is snowboarding. He tries to backpedal and tells her he likes to ski but Elizabeth is still pissed her favorite place trick didn't go as planned.

And here comes Channy! Oops - Channy forgot the bottom of her ballgown...or maybe Channy just wanted Jake to see her fanny!! Sorry I couldn't resist. Channy tells Jake something in Cambodian that he says sounds beautiful. She tells him to find her inside later to learn what she said to him. The best moment of the night ensued when he did find her...more on that later.

Ashley was next and pulled out some sort of twister wheel devise with pictures of Jake and herself modge-podged all over it. Apparently this was the wheel that Jake was supposed to use for his "picker" so he would always pick her. Ashley gave a thank you wink to her mom for financing her wardrobe and for coming up with that clever picker idea.

Oh there's more...Christina next exited the limo with a large basket. Jake asked what the gifts were for and she said that they were packages of sweet candy for all the other girls. Just when Jake starts to assume that Christina is breaking reality TV rule #1 ("Do not go on a reality TV show to make friends and announce that you are not there to make friends as much as possible"), Christina reveals that they are parting gifts since all the other girls will be leaving. Burrrn!! Jake laughs and lets Christina go inside to meet her new friends. Once inside Christina shared her gifts of sweet goodies with the ladies and then revealed the motive behind the gifts. Someone was on to her tricks and commented that the "jellybeans were likely infused with laxatives."

Ashleigh was next out of the limo but as she walked from the limo to Jake she tripped and miraculously fell directly into Jake's arms. The watching party rewound twice and it was concluded that it was in fact a planned trip and fall. (This was confirmed on Chris Harrison's blog on EW). Kirsten told Jake that she wanted to slap Jillian for breaking Jake's heart and that he needs to find her inside because her best friend and her have something they want to show him. Whaaat?? Does Kirsten have an imaginary best friend who she thinks is there??

Stephanie the dance instructor requests that Jake give her the first dance inside. Then Sheila the pilot walks up sporting aviators and reveals that she's a pilot too! And finally (whew!) Michelle emerges from the limo and becomes an airplane as she zig zags back and forth with her arms outstretched while making an airplane sound. When she lands at Jake she tells him that she is ready to be his co-pilot. Jake responds with, "Oh have you ever flown a plane?" Michelle responds with, "I...ummmm....I....er-....I...would....love...to...be...a....passenger...in...your...plane." Hmmm - I'm guessing Michelle didn't think her opening line all the way through.

That Means What in Cambodian??
Once Jake has met all the women Chris Harrison comes outside to make sure that he's not too mad at the level of crazy this season. He asks Jake how he feels and Jake says, "I'm so excited"...Amy P. adds "also a little drunk".

Inside the house Jake first steals Ali away and it's clear that the cocktail party has already been in full gear for quite some time because she trips on her dress outside going up the steps. It causes her dress to rip slightly at the bottom and clearly embarrassed she tells Jake, "Oh my gosh - I am THAT girl!" No honey, you're actually the third girl we've seen trip in this short hour although you are the first to rip your dress." Corrie steals Jake away from Ali to ask him about his priorities. But it's not long before Channy enters to steal Jake away!

Once alone, Channy again says the Cambodian phrase to Jake. He again says it sounds nice. She then takes his hands into hers and says, "What I said to you was, 'You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.'" WHAAAATTT???? The watching party again exploded into laughter and jaws dropped at Channy's aggression. There were then several comments made regarding Channy being either Brazilian or Cambodian...we'll leave it at that.

Costumes and Football
Ella steals Jake away from Channy and I don't think I've ever seen Jake look more relieved. She reveals to him that she has a son and he wants to be a pilot when he grows up too. See how that's perfect? Cut to Ashley the teacher taking out a flight attendant costume from a suitcase in one of the rooms. That's right -she's dressing up as a '60s flight attendant complete with short skirt to get Jake's attention. Ashley thanks her mom again for the great idea and then says hi to her students as the camera pans in on how short her skirt is. She steals Jake away from Ella and then shares with Jake that she must have a big head because the flight attendant hat doesn't fit her. Jake says sarcastically, "That must mean you're smart." Ashley doesn't detect the sarcasm and enthusiastically says, "Yes! That's it - it's my big brain!!"

Enter Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska with a football in her arms. She asks Jake if he wants to throw it around in the front yard. Jake has to take a deep breath and seriously consider this because if he accepts he's fully aware that he will no longer be able to hide the fact that he actually doesn't throw a football very well. He decides if women start to mock the way that he throws the ball he'll just take off his shirt and reel them back in with the power of his abs.

Elizabeth and Jake are throwing the ball around - correction, Elizabeth is throwing the ball, Jake is sort of flailing the ball - when all of the sudden the rest of the girls come out in their gowns to play a real game - Blondes vs. Brunettes of course. I want to commend the makers of Hollywood Fashion Body Tape because thanks to their product everything stayed in place as the girls ran and jumped for the ball. The game ended with Jake running the ball inside, chased by 25 women of course.

Blast from the Past
Chris Harrison enters and announces the first impression rose is on the table and up for grabs. This increases the level of tension and thus the level of crazy in the house. Michelle states, "It will kill me if I don't get the first impression rose. I deserve Jake." Rozlyn the model compassionately tells her, "I hope that works out for you." Vienna steals Jake away to feel her heart and then her leg but is interrupted by Stephanie who has come to teach Jake how to two step. Meanwhile Michelle continues her mental breakdown and begins crying because she has not had enough one-on-one time with Jake. Once Michelle pulls herself together in the bathroom she makes her way to Jake and lays it all out there. "I am here to be the one - the copilot, I am here for love," she says in a tone that sounds very fatal attraction-ish. Jake tells her that's sweet to which she responds, "No, it's not about being sweet, it's about being honest." Red Flags all over this girl!!

In honor of the Red Flag King Wes I pasted Michelle's head over his pic from last season

Our Host enters the room once again and announces that some of Jake's "old friends" are here to help Jake make his decision. I silently hoped for it to be Reid and Kiptyn but alas, Ed & Jillian then entered the room. Jillian in a recycled dress she's already worn on a TV appearance and Ed looking how Ed always looks...surprised to be there. Chris Harrison announces that "our successful couple" will be interviewing the girls and giving Jake their thoughts. Do you think Jake really wanted thoughts from this guy?
While Ed & Jill interview the couples outside Christina takes this opportunity to play airplane with Jake. Tenley then steals him away and recites "10 things about 10ley" so that Jake can get to know her. I think it was when she got to "I"m a cuddlebug" that I threw up a little in my mouth, Number 10 was, "I'm a great kisser" which was followed by her asking if she could give Jake a peck to show him how true it was. Jake agreed to the kiss and then 10ley immediately regretted it because she felt like ti was too awkward and she had only kissed one other guy (her ex-husband). Which begs the question, how could she declare herself a good kisser if she had only kissed one other guy? That's a pretty small sample size to be declaring yourself good at something...

Ed & Jill gave their thoughts to Jake which went something like this, "Elizabeth from Nebraska is the hottest - give her the first impression rose. Michelle is crazy stalker, get rid of her." Proving that they are not in fact old friends Jake chose to disregard both pieces of advice. Instead he gave the first impression rose to 10ley.

Deliberation Room
Chris Harrison enters which means it's time for Jake to deliberate. They enter the deliberation room which this year has them sitting on some sort of couch chair thing that forces them to basically same-side-sit. Awkward. Jake says that the fake flight attendant is perky, Channy is aggressive, and even though Ali is scared of flying - again, love is more powerful than flying. (tear)

Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Jake begins his first rose ceremony on the other side by saying, "If you don't receive a rose tonight just know it's not personal." How is that not personal? Is he trying to give them the "It's not you, it's me line?" I think that only works when you're not still dating 15 women and excluding 10. Roses are handed out to: Ella the single mom from Tennessee, Elizabeth the competitive nanny from Nebraska, Ali the one who is scared of flying and ripped her dress, Vienna the one who is spoiled rotten, Christina the guys-girl, Gia the crazy swimsuit model, Ashley the teacher who dresses in skimpy flight attendant costumes, Rozlyn the model who gets by on her good looks, Jessie the gun show line girl, Corrie the kiss me now line girl, Valishia the girl who put dirt in Jake's hand, Ashleigh the fake tripper, Kathryn the real flight attendant in the purple tutu, and Michelle the stalker (who kissed her rose when she received it - anyone else think of Gollum and his precious?)

And finally with that we have the end of the season premiere! Sorry for the length of this recap, there was just too much crazy to leave any of it out. As our friend Carrie texted from her own satellite watching party, "This could not be more over the top if we were at 37,000 feet!" So true Carrie! Be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog, the always hilarious Pop Watch recap, and the incredibly funny Lincee's blog. See you next week for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!