Jake Finally Learns What Wes Meant...

Episode 2 of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love
Oh the drama! The controversy and heartbreak has really reached new heights this year...I guess that's what happens when a pilot is the bachelor!! (Making airplane/flying pun-like analogies is actually very fun...I think that's way so many people did it in this episode)

We begin as we always do, with the ever delightful Chris Harrison entering to give the ladies the rules and game plan (guess he left out one important yet seemingly obvious rule...but we'll get to that later). He tells the ladies that there will be 3 dates this week, 2 group and 1 one-on-one however not everyone will receive a date this week. Camera shoots to crazy Michelle who immediately goes panic crazy-eyed. He leaves the group with a date card which Ella opens and reads - Rozlyn, Gia, Valishia, Corrie, Christina, and Ashleigh H. are all invited on the date which includes this clue on the card, "A picture is worth a thousand words." Squeals commence as the ladies try to figure out what this mysterious clue means...

Everyone's a Model!
Jake arrives at the house to pick up his women and in the process he chooses to unbutton one too many buttons on his cobalt blue shirt. Seriously Jake? Why not wear a v-neck if you were hoping to show off your waxed and fake-tanned chest? Not that I'm condoning a v-neck but you should know the button on that button up shirt is strategically placed there for a reason.

With the ladies in tow Jake struts down the sidewalk doing his best runway walk while the top of his button down shirt flaps in the wind revealing more of the bare chest. Ashley at the viewing party tries to give Jake the benefit of the doubt and points out that the button may have popped off. But we all know Valishia the homemaker could have sewn that thing right back on if that was the case. Jake tells us he's on cloud nine - the first of approximately 347 references to could nine during this episode.

He reveals to the ladies that they will be participating in an InStyle fashion shoot for the date and lets his "friend" Hal explain the details. Corrie is ecstatic because InStyle is her fashion bible, Rozlyn's head grows even bigger since you know - this is what she does, and Christina declares she would rather be doing a math test. Hate to break it to you Christina but I don't think math is really your strength either...I'm thinking your talents would be better shown off in something like a flip cup or beer pong themed group date.

Roz is up first for the photo shoot and wastes no time literally throwing herself at Jake. As she drapes her leg across his torso the censorship blurred picture is used while Christina and the other girls drop their jaws. Christina comments that she thinks she just saw her "cha cha"...where is Channy with the Cambodian phrases when you need her!? Roz tells us that Jake is "really cute...I wanna bite him." Red flag #1, she already wants to hurt him.

Christina continues to hate on herself during the photo shoot but I don't really remember everything she said because I was so distracted by her hair during her interviews. I still don't understand what was going on there. It was in sort of an unfortunate 50's style updo and I was relieved for her sake when she put her hair down for the actual shoot. After trying to convince the photographer to doctor the photo to her advantage Jake steps in to try to calm her fears. He pulls his best Tim Gunn and says, "look at what that dress has done to your eyes girl!" Once her prince has rescued her from the photo shoot that he made her endure Christina is thrilled that Jake is the man she dreamed up in her mind. (she does know he's been there the whole time, right?)

Part two of the group date begins and you know that that means - there must be a body of water nearby so the girls can get in their bikinis! Jake takes the ladies to a fancy hotel where they just happen to sit outside near the pool. He asks Gia for some alone time first, I'm not sure what they talked about because I was distracted by the pencil she used to put her hair up in a bun which then made it look like she had an antenna sticking out from both sides of her head.

The camera cuts back to the group of ladies and that's when we hear Valishia say, "I teach women's bible studies but I don't get paid for that." What? Very random comment but after much discussing at the viewing party it was decided that since Valishia's occupation is a homemaker and she is not married the girls must have been trying to figure out how she has income. Scratch "gets paid to lead women's bible studies" off the list ladies - back to the drawing board!

Ashleigh H. then decides it's time to pull an Ashley E. and use a costume to distract Jake from the other women. Instead of a costume she goes for a string bikini though and wouldn't you know it - that worked too! Poor Gia didn't stand a chance next to the scantily clad Ashleigh. Jake goes behind a curtain to change into his swimsuit and I silently prayed he would not have on Ed's shorty green shorts. He pulls the curtain back to reveal swim trunks down to his knees and I breathe a sigh of relief - he must have noted how silly Ed looked when Chris Harrison gave him that game tape to review.

Cut back to the house where the doorbell rings which means the girls react like Pavlovs dogs with shrieking. They bring in a date card which says this gift is for the woman who has the one-on-one date with Jake. The gift is what else? Diamonds! More shrieking ensues. Crazy Michelle tries to put the necklace on which makes the other ladies scream "It's tainted" - apparently they are afraid of getting Michelle's crazy cooties on the necklace. I'd be afraid too actually...

Back at the playboy mansion - I mean group date in the pool - all the ladies have joined Ashleigh & Jake in the pool. Christina tries to get some alone time with Jake and show him her talent of how well she holds her alcohol. After singing the twilight zone theme song and making lots of random sounds it appears that plan didn't go exactly as she hoped. Roz shakes her stuff to interrupt the duo and steals Jake away. Christina looks straight up pissed but again has a plan, "We need a shot!" Anyone else think Christina's next reality TV show appearance will be on A&E's Intervention?

Roz takes Jake up to the roof and wraps him up in a blanket while asking if he's having fun. Jake responds like a 12 year-old boy and says, "Yea!! I'm having a blast!! I'm on the roof with a model in a bikini!!!" It's here we see that Roz has watched some game tape as well. As they discuss how much fun they are having and how attractive they are she pulls the signature Jake lurch kiss on him! And he LOVES it! Jake immediately says, "I'll be right back" and takes the elevator down to pick up the rose in front of the ladies and then take it back up to the roof where Roz has been waiting alone...except for the crew. (Red flag #2!) Jake then sticks the rose down his pants behind his back and tells Roz he's really intrigued by her (intrigued - turned on, same thing right?) . He presents the rose from his pants and she acts shocked before accepting.

Love Conquers Fear
Doorbell rings, cue shrieks and Crazy Michelle runs to get to the card because it seems that someone has told her if she touches it she will get the date. Unfortunately this theory doesn't pan out for her because the card reads, "Ali...come fly with me". Thankfully the girls were able to decipher that cryptic message and realized Jake would be flying Ali somewhere. Ali instantly cries and can't believe this is happening -she never thought she would get a date with Jake. She did know the premise of the show is dating Jake, right?

Jake pulls up on his motorcycle sporting the leather jacket as well of course because today is the Tom Cruise themed outfit day, not the model themed outfit day. Ali emerges in a very adorable short yellow satin dress and the diamond necklace. I'm confused because a) In jeans and a polo Jake is very under-dressed and b) I don't know how she is going to get on the motorcycle in that dress. However Ali apparently has no problem hoping on and straddling the Harley in a dress. Still confused on Jake's wardrobe choice though...didn't the diamonds imply Ali was supposed to dress up?

The mis-matched level of dressiness couple ride up to an airfield and Ali's fears are confirmed - she will be flying. She declares, "I feel like I'm going to throw up in my stomach just thinking about it." Did anyone else think Ali has never thrown up before? I don't think she knows how it works. Jake checks the aircraft before putting on his aviators and tossing his leather jacket over his shoulder for another Top Gun reference. They begin the ascent into the air and Ali masks her fear relatively well. Once they are flying her fears fade away as she feels like she is yes -- "on cloud nine". After one more airplane/relationship analogy (Ali states that the plane took off as their relationship was taking off) the background music is cued and after 3 seconds Farrell at the watching party says she loves this song. I ask her what song it is and she responds, On the Wings of Love!!!, as if I should have known from five notes! Okay, okay...seeing as this is The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, I probably should have known from the first five notes.

The fearless couple land in Palm Springs as Jake declares that "feelings are taking off"...seriously again with the airplane/relationship pun? He briskly escorts Ali to an old fancy car as she runs to try to keep up with him. Remember she's in heels Jake!? You led her to believe this was a dressy date by the diamond necklace you told her to wear...what was she supposed to do, wear diamonds with jeans? (Is that what she was supposed to do?? I'm so confused...)

They drive to a deserted field and walk up to a dinner table in the middle of the deserted field. Jake begins the interview process and asks Ali about her previous serious relationships. Ali says she's dated, a "Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan" so after failing to get on either Jesse Palmer or Jason Mesnick's seasons of The Bachelor she was thrilled when another opportunity arose for her to apply.

Back at the house Valishia the homemaker announces the names listed on the last date card which says something about ups and downs. Winners are Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley E., and Vienna. That means Ella, 10ley and Michelle are the losers who don't get a date this week. That also means Crazy Michelle climbs up another notch on the crazy ladder and starts spouting off statements and threats such as, "I'm not ordinary like the other women...Jake doesn't want to spend time with me? Tough for him!" All the other ladies slowly back away and the on call ABC therapist is paged.

Back at the deserted field Jake has decided to present Ali with a rose which she 100% accepts and then we again see that Jake has really studied the game tape because instead of lurching, he slowly leans in to kiss her. Then he says he's got another surprise for her (nevermind that he likely had nothing to do with these surprises)...cue the band Chicago! A stage is set up in the deserted field for the private concert. Ali and Jake dash 500 yards across the field to the stage - again poor Ali is not dressed appropriately for a foot race. As the band plays "You're the Inspiration" Jake tells us that, "He's never had a moment like that before"...I think they cut off the end of that sentence which was surely, "...except for last year when Jillian and I had that private concert by Martina McBride and I pulled that awesome lurch kiss."

Moving from Airplane to Roller Coaster Relationship References
The ladies on group date #2 show up at Six Flags where Jake is waiting to tell them that their 10 year-old fantasies have come true - the whole park is closed just for them, no lines! Shrieking ensues again. Ashley E. tells us with crazy eyes that "Jake is my man...he just doesn't know it yet." It's here that I first became fascinated by Ashley E.'s crazy eyes...it's later that I grew to love them. The group rides many roller coasters; someone says something about how a relationship has ups and downs just like a roller coaster and suddenly I miss the cloud nine references.

The camera cuts back to the house where we see Crazy Michelle packing. That's right - she'll show Jake for not giving her a date! 10ley tries to talk her out of it while Roz feeds her some line about how they wished she was on their first group date. I'm pretty sure it was the producers who eventually talked her into staying - this girl is ratings gold.

Back at Six Flags, Paris Hilton - I mean Tori Spelling - I mean Vienna tells us that Elizabeth is her fiercest competition. (see the similarities again!)
Just then Elizabeth pulls Jake aside and tells him she wrote him a note. As she struggles to get the note out of the pocket of her painted on skinny jeans she tells us that when she writes notes they are very "her - they're naked, natural". What? I'm so confused at this point - does the note include a naked picture? Elizabeth begins speed reading the note and therefore I become even more confused because I have no idea what she said. I honestly don't think she took a breath. The watching party was able to keep up and told me that she said she doesn't want Jake to kiss her until it's her and only her that he is kissing. Ohhhhh....well played Elizabeth - I'm on to your game! Jake says he is intrigued (again - intrigued, turned on - same thing right?) and wants to respect her values. Elizabeth says she is playing so hard to get because that's what she deserves.

Vienna takes the opportunity for one-on-one time next and tells Jake her big secret - she dated a preacher's son for 4 years in high school (yes start doing the math - so 14-17 years old), then got engaged at 17; called the wedding off before it happened and then eloped at 18 with a rebound after learning the preacher's son got married a month after she called it off. She then divorced the rebound 4 months later. Before Jake even has a chance to respond crazy eyes Ashley E. interrupts with a fresh drink and Jake leaves with her. Ouch Vienna! Go find Christina at the bar and get yourself a shot!

Ashley E. says something that I wish I had written down but I didn't so I forgot what it was but after Jake agreed with her she responded with, "So we're both cheesy!" And then they both broke out into cheesy laughter. However Jake only gives her a peck on the check and Ashley E. questions the camera with crazy eyes, "How could you not want to kiss me!?!" The camera man mistakenly thinks she was asking him the question and responds that he's already got something going on with another "lady" in the house.

Jake rewards Elizabeth's game-playing "hard to get" routine with a rose and sends the other ladies home in the limo after awkwardly hugging them all. He takes Elizabeth to a bench for a special surprise. Before the surprise starts she smashes her face up to his and asks, "Do you want to kiss me?" Jake is confused and thinks maybe he misheard the note too...she was reading very fast. Elizabeth clarifies, "I want to kiss you - you know that my pact to not kiss you isn't because I don't want to. Because I want to. A lot. I want to." Jake clearly wants to kiss her as well but he's the good-guy and can't go against her values so he just looks longingly at her and then the surprise starts - fireworks! Cut to the girls in the lonely limo watching the fireworks in depression as they ride back to the house.

The Most Dramatic Cocktail Party Ever
The cocktail party opens with Rozlyn in a gold sequin-covered dress telling the other girls she is so glad she has nothing to worry about and telling us, "I have a rose biatch!" Classy. Jake enters and tells Ella he understands it was her birthday yesterday and he has something for her. Ella waits outside and Jake enters with a cupcake on a plate. I'm thinking Ella wanted a rose instead of the calories but she puts on her best Southern face and tells us, "It was the sweetest thang...it's hard not to be on cloud nine!" (welcome back cloud nine references!), Then Ella tells Roz "I got a cupcake biatch!" (not really- but wouldn't that have been awesome!?)

Jake pulls 10ley aside since she didn't win a date this week and begins interviewing her about past relationships. The perfect cue for her to share her divorce history. Alas she lets the cue pass her by and instead answers with an eloquent, "Yeah, those heartbreaks have...yeah, so, you know....what about your family?" Smooth.

Crazy Michelle is telling the other girls what happens when there's too many women in the house and it involves some sort of sound effect and hand motion. Enter Jake and Crazy Michelle does her best Jekyll and Hyde to reveal a spunky smiley person. Vienna tells us it's frustrating because Michelle is usually Debbie Downer all day every day until Jake walks in and then she's all Positive Polly. Vienna doesn't like being frustrated - especially when her dad isn't there to take away whatever is frustrating her.

Jake takes Debbie Downer - I mean Crazy Michelle away for some alone time...brave man! Crazy tells him that she packed her bags and was ready to leave because she wasn't a date winner this week. She tells him she knows that she is here for the same reasons as he is. She also knows many other things about him such as what type of soap he uses, his shoe size, and the type of wax he uses on his chest because she has been stalking him for some time now. Jake tells her he doesn't want her to leave, apparently he likes living on the edge of danger. Christina interrupts the conversation and steals Jake away leaving Crazy Michelle to shockingly tell us, "She interrupted me in the middle of my conversation!?" It seems that Crazy Michelle has never watched The Bachelor.

As Christina tells Jake about her funny drunken stories, Chris Harrison enters the cocktail party and asks to speak to Roz outside. The ladies know something is up - Chris Harrison only comes in to clink the champagne class at the cocktail parties! Outside a conversation between Chris and Roz went a little something like this:

CH: "So this is something we've never had to deal with before...it's very awkward...I'm guess you have an idea of what I'm talking about."
Roz: intense blank stare
CH: "You've entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers
Roz: intense blank stare
CH: "Because of what's happened we believe it's not possible (choked up a little - slight pause)...it's not possible for you to form a meaningful relationship with Jake."
Roz: "So you think no one else in this house has someone back home or feelings for someone else?"
CH: "No - but those are back home (like Ed had), this is here and this is an ethical show, we can't allow that - what kind of program do you think this is?"
Roz: "I mean I don't really think my personal life is anybody's business."
Watching Party: Roar of laughter, several "Is she serious??" comments
CH: (raises his eyebrows) "The staffer has been fired and you need to leave in the rejection van as well. I know you don't have your things packed so please go pack now."

As Amy P. texted from her satellite watching party, "Dang! He's bringing the heat on Roz and she's all 'what's my personal life got to do with this!' Uh, what?! Yeah, it has everything to do with your personal life." Sadly I'm not sure the connection was there for Roz and therefore I've decided to share some of my infinite wisdom with our friend.

An open letter to Rozlyn the model:
Dear Roz,
Is it okay that I call you Roz? Lincee at www.ihategreenbeans.com started it and I think it's catchy. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciated your effort to blame-shift and not admit guilt during Chris Harrison's interrogation. The way you first tried to compare yourself to the other girls who may or may not have boyfriends back home was very clever - way to make the producers think twice about enduring another Ed-scandal! After that was dismissed by Chris you then said one of the best lines I've ever heard on a reality television program.

Now, I'm just curious, do you really think your personal life is no one's business or did you just say that in an act of desperation to get out of further questioning? Because honey I hate to be the one to tell you that when you sign your life away and choose to participate in a reality TV show to find a husband you're pretty much opening up your personal life for the entire world. I'm sorry if you found that out the hard way...it's just kind of hard to believe that it wouldn't have occurred to you before you signed up.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for providing some quality entertainment and wish you good luck in getting those nosy people who watch reality TV to give you some peace and quiet and let you keep your personal life personal. Just one piece of advice- if you and your crew-member lover do continue with your inappropriate relationship and want to keep your personal life personal I would maybe not sign up for a reality show about your relationship. It doesn't seem to always work out so well and as you've no doubt learned it's very hard to get people to leave you alone when you sign up to be taped 24 hours a day.
Your Friend,
Rebecca
P.S. Too bad you had to give your rose back, biatch!

Sorry for the interruption - back to the play by play...so Roz accepts the decision to be sent home and walks back in to tell the ladies she's leaving. She then carefully walks upstairs in her 5 inch heels and packs while wearing her gold disco ball outfit the entire time. The security guard that she did not have relations with makes sure she doesn't go all Crazy Michelle.

The ladies are on the case trying to figure out what is going on. Christina comes back in after Chris Harrison interrupts to break the news to Jake. She asks whats going on and assumes that Rozlyn has gone to talk to Jake when crazy eye Ashley E. delivers my second favorite line of the night. She corrects Christina by saying, "NO...Nooo, we thought it was Jake but it's not Jake, it's Chris." There's no way I can give justice to this scene by describing it. This YouTube clip is the closest comparison to the way Ashley delivered that line. If it's on your dvr I highly recommend re-watching this scene. Classic.

Meanwhile outside Chris tells Jake he has some news about Roz. Fearing she's pulling a Ed and has left for "work reasons" he exclaims, "Don't tell me she's gone!?!" Chris tells him that she is gone because she had inappropriate relations with a staffer. Jake is angry but since anger isn't an emotion nice guys do he goes for disappointed. He paces back and forth outside to try to move from anger to disappointment and then sternly asks Chris if he can get his rose back. Chris says of course but assures him it will be a new rose since Roz's is wilted.

Chris Harrison gathers the ladies together with Jake by his side and breaks the news about Roz and the staffer. Many ladies begin instantly crying to which I say...why? As my sister texted from her satellite watching party, "these ladies need to get a grip on reality - are they really upset she is gone?" Jake provides assurance that he is not mad, just disappointed. Michelle assures him she is crazy and is here for the right reasons. 10ley has a Lost-like flashback to the deception and unfaithfulness in her marriage. More crying ensues. Chris Harrison finally stops the madness and tells the ladies, "I'll give you some time now to pull yourselves together before the rose ceremony."

Jake stares at the 5x7 pictures on the shelf in the deliberation room and then picks up Rozlyn's. Instead of throwing it in the fire or dramatically throwing it against the wall to shatter into pieces, he calmly places it back on the shelf...face down. Buuurrrnn! Jake emerges from the deliberation room and gives the usual "hope you're here for the right reasons" speech before handing out the roses. Roses go to: Vienna - the one who eloped, Gia - the one who has a lot of collagen in her lips, 10ley - the one who has yet to tell him about her divorce, Ella - the southern single mom who got a cupcake, Valishia - the one who still mysteriously has an income from being an unmarried homemaker, Corrie - the one who uses InStyle as her fashion bible, Jessie - the one who we have never seen, Ashleigh H. - the one who first sported the bikini on group date 1, Michelle - the one who is crazy, and Kathryn - who is this girl?

That means Christina the jello shot queen and Ashley E. the crazy eyes girl are sent packing. Ashley E. is able to keep it together during her rejection interview and give the contrite, "not meant to be" line. Christina however is haunted by the sound of laughing models still in the house toasting Jake as she tries to respond to her rejection interview and can't keep the tears from flowing. Ten bucks says she paid the rejection van driver to make a stop at the bar on the way to the airport.

And with that the most dramatic episode 2 in the entire history of The Bachelor franchise is over. Scenes for next week show of course more drama, accusations, crazy Michelle scenes, and possibly yet another lady leaving for reasons other than not getting a rose. We shall see!

For your reading pleasure be sure to check out Chris Harrison's blog (which provides details of the Roz scandal), The EW Pop Watch recap by Kristen Baldwin (which is always hilarious), Lincee's blog (again always a good one!), and a new link for you - Jake himself is blogging over at People.com. This week he calls Ali a "doll face"...I think I just threw up in my stomach.